I read that this forum is read more so I'm moving my post here.

Ok here's my situation. Me and my wife have been together for 8 years. I met her when I was 19 and she was 16. We talked for a couple months and started dating on her 17th birthday. Things went well and 2 years later we got married. We've been married now for 6 years in june. We've always had little fights, some bigger than others but we've always managed to work through it. Mostly it was my fault. I have an addiction to an online game and spent way too much time on it and my personality would change. She let me know how it affected her and I quit for a time.

Eventually I would go back but I made sure to tell her if I spend too much time on it or my moods started to change again to let me know. I don't want to hurt her or our marriage. Things seemed to be going well for awhile. We moved into our first house and she graduated from college around the same time, last april.

Around october she starts talking about an open marriage. I thought she was referring to sleeping with another women, something I've been aware that she's been wanting to do since we met. I was ok with this because I felt that I couldn't give her that experience. It turns out that she was talking about sleeping with another guy.

We were lying in bed one night and she was crying, so I ask her what was wrong. She was hesitant about telling me but eventually I got it out of her. She was upset because she had messed around with this guy and he hadn't called her in a few days. I comforted her thinking I was ok with it. The next day it all hit me, the pain the anger everything. We talked again about the open relationship and I told her I wasn't ok with her sleeping with other guys. Since then she's slept with him 3 or 4 times.

She tells me that she doesn't want to be with him, that she loves me and wants to be with me. She says she needs space right now and needs to learn how to live by herself. I would find it easier to believe if she wasn't seeing the same person continually.

I haven't taken it well. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster. I want to be understanding and caring and sometimes I am but then I dwell on it and I get hurt and angry, I turn into the taker and I tell her that she needs to stop or we're through. Then when she gets upset I turn into the giver and try to comfort her. I know this can't be easy on her with my moods changing but I can't help it.

I'm afraid I came to this website too late, I told her she needs to end it or its through. I don't really want that though. I want to make it through. We've had 8 wonderful years and when we spend time together it's wonderful. It's just when she's away I'm lonely and hurt.

I guess what it boils down to is how do I live with the pain? How do I cope so we can get through this? I don't want to hurt her anymore and I don't want her to hurt me.

Thanks in advance for listening and responding,

Ben

EDIT: I feel that I should add a bit more information to this already lengthy post. We don't have kids. I've always been a kind caring husband but I never did much around the house. Recently though I've tried to change this. I've started doing my own laundry and help to clean up around the house. We don't often have dinner together since she has a varrying schedule and I work 9-5. Hope that clears up a few questions

She is having an affair and won't have feelings for you until there is no contact with her affair partner.

Have you exposed the affair to friends and family? That is a starting point.

Then you should ditch your on-line gaming. You need to be spending at least 15 hours a week doing fun things with your wife. Do you do that now?

And allowing another person into the marriage, even if it is the same sex is a HUGE mistake. We've had several men whose wives ran off with their lesbian lovers. It is just as bad as a man.

Welcome.

You have come to the right place to help you get YOUR head on straight.

1. Have you read EVERY word that Harley has posted for free?
2. Do you understand what he is saying and teaching applies to YOU?
3. Do you understand what he is saying and teaching applies to your wife as well?
4. Do you understand that Harley is the EXPERT at helping people recover and that you are very unlikely to come up with something the represents a quick fix reset button that works?

In other words, your marriage can recover IF and only IF you are willing to read and educate yourself then follow what Harley teaches.

Are you ready for the hard work?

Larry

The time we spend together is great. She cares for me, I know she does. I went through a deep depression recently and had to be admitted to a mental health care facility and she was by my side the whole time.

I've ditched the online gaming but spending time together is hard since she wants to be independent and learn to live without me (which I don't understand). The time we spend together is normally watching tv shows we both enjoy (which I realize now needs to change). Part of the problem is I have social anxiety and have trouble going out. I've been working on this though and she knows it.

Most if not all of her friends know and she was upset about me telling them. I just talked to her mom today. She told her mom that things were tough and her mom asked her if she was seeing someone else and she said no. I told her mom that she had been sleeping with someone for a couple months. I don't know how to bring it up to anyone else. I would really like to tell the OM's mom because that would probably bring it to a screeching halt but I don't know how to get a hold of her, and I feel uncomfortable doing stuff like that.

After reading more I realize I need to implement plan a but I don't know how to go about doing this. I've tried to tell her before that it needs to end but in a LB way. I don't know how to do it any other way

See your doc for the social anxiety. There are good meds for that. But there are lots of things you can do that don't involve being around other people. Or is it that you can't go out at all?

And if you feel uncomfortable telling the OM's mother, then write to her. Tell her you love your wife, and her son's adultery is interfering in your marriage and any help would be appreciated.

I have trouble going out at all. It's not that I can't it's just that when I start thinking about going out I get really anxious and start thinking of excuses not to go.

As far as the OM's mom goes I wouldn't have a problem calling her I just don't know how to get a hold of her.

I'd like to tell her Dad too, I just don't know how to go about doing it without getting her angry at me. She was really upset when I told her friends.

Also, do you have any advice on telling her to brake it off without confrontation?

Benc - They have meds for THAT too. I suffered for about 10 years with panic attacks and agoraphobia. It was awful, and I missed a lot of good things in my life. I could go to work, as long as I stayed off the freeway, but had trouble going to meetings, and even sometimes to lunch in the cafeteria. I didn't fly home to see my parents for years - couldn't do it.

The meds work fine, and I only took them for about 6 months and got over it and have been med free for 10 years.

There are also relaxation exercises that help, but the meds are faster.

Your wife will be angry, and there is just no way around that. But your marriage will survive anger, but it might not survive an affair.

benc - Reality check time.

"YOU shall NOT commit adultery."

Oh, ya, she doesn't believe in God, so obeying God's commands are "not for her."

How about if you post your wedding VOWS so we can see what sort of commitment YOU and SHE made to each other. Perhaps there's something in those vows?

My guess is that neither of you really take your vows or your Marriage very seriously, despite your protestations.

You want "exclusivity" with her, BUT you are "okay" with an "Open Marriage?" Benc, there is NO SUCH THING as an "OPEN Marriage." That is NOT "Marriage," that is a "living arrangement" that does NOT care for the other person. How about Polyamory? Would that suit your lifestyle better?

Neither one of you seems to understand the first thing about Marriage, AND NOW you want help in how to get her to NOT sleep with anyone she "feels like" sleeping with? She "missed out" on her lascivious youth where she could "sample" as many men as she wanted? You think it's okay for her to have a Homosexual relationship, but can't quite "buy into" her having a sexual encounter with someone who is "equipped" for normal sex?

Just WHAT reason do you see for either one of you to be MARRIED?

You have already established that "what you want is okay" and that "what she wants is okay," it's just that you don't want her to do something FOR you....like keep herself ONLY unto you until DEATH do you part.

Benc, your "problem" is not so much with your wife sleeping around as it is with neither one of you understanding what Marriage IS and what it is NOT.

What REASON would your wife have for NOT sleeping with other men when her "standard of moral behavior" is her own "wants and desires" that gives her "permission" to do whatever she wants to do?

One last comment. CARING is NOT the same thing as Love. Not understanding the difference, not understanding what real love is, seems to be the problem for both of you. She is simply more active in gratifying her own lusts, her own wants and desires than you are, unless you toss in addiction to gaming that YOU want more than her. Just like any alcohlic or drug addict..."it won't hurt so much if I just 'scratch the itch' a little."

Marriage INCLUDES self-denial of things that are, or would be, DETRIMENTAL to the "one flesh" unit that is a MARRIED COUPLE.

But, hey, in this day of FATAL sexually transmitted diseases, what difference does it make if your wife shares "needles" with another man who obviously isn't concerned about who he sleeps with. Forget the "notion" that when you sleep with someone, you are sleeping with everyone that the person you are sleeping with ever slept with.

Don't you think it's is probably past time that you both grew up and she those "teenage" things that are motivated by "self-preeminence?"

You want change? You want to "save your marriage?" Start with yourself and YOUR view of what Marriage really is and should be. Start with the Standards and Boundaries that are important to YOU. You cannot "force" change on your wife, but you CAN make needed changes in yourself that will make you a better and more desirable MAN.


"Brought to you by the numbers 2 and 4, and by the letter M."

Benc-

We have some similar aspects to our stories, my WH and I are young (25), and have been married for five years. Married young, no children...he thought we had some sort of "open marriage arrangement" (I made a sarcastic remark during a fight one time which he took to heart.)

I found out about the affair a little over a week ago. Since then, he promised never to see OW again and vowed to save the marriage, then changed his mind two days later. I moved out of our apartment into my mom's place, then changed my mind and came back. He since moved out, and is staying with OW.

This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but each day it gets better. You need to read the articles by Dr. Harley on here, and you need to buy the book Surviving an Affair. I could not find it in any bookstores near me, so order if from marriagebuilders.com.

Listen to the advice given by the pros on here. What they say to do is VERY VERY HARD, but deep down, it feels right. The HARDEST thing to do is usually the right thing.

If you want to save your M, work on making YOU a better person. I have been going to the gym and losing weight, started using a gradual tan-lotion, and am wearing "nice" outfits and putting makeup on every day. I can't control whether or nopt WH ever comes back, but I can use this as the impetus to be a better woman. I am going to do everything I can to save the marriage- but the only thing I can control is ME. If I do everything I can and he still doesn't want me...I deserve better. YES, I want to be with HIM...but only he can choose to want us to be together. I can't force him.

Saying all of this, and feeling it or doing it are TOTALLY different. I am doing things that I know are right, but I don't necessarily "feel" that they are right, or that I should do them.

Just trust in the advice other's pn here give you. It is humbling to know that our situations have happened to other's before, and we can't think that we have this unique problem, and that other's advice won't work for us.

Expose the affair to as many people as you think can help. They will be able to support you, and be a shoulder for you to cry on. Work on yourself. Become the person that your WW would be CRAZY not to want to be with.

Hugs. We can get through this.

RedBerries thanks for that reply. That is almost exactly how I feel. I want to work on myself, make myself a better person but my mind keeps drifting back to her. I don't feel like I am a whole person without her. I guess my whole problem stems from the fact that I was a loser before her. I had been arrested a couple times, skipped out on my court dates. Couldn't hold a steady job. When I met her all that changed. I wanted to be a better person for her. Now I don't know how to be a better person for myself.

ForeverHers-

I'm not sure where you get off. I thought this was supposed to be a supportive website. Nothing you said is helpful. First off I don't believe in god or the ten commandments. People are human and they make mistakes. You don't know the first thing about my feelings for her or her for me.

I never said that I wanted an open relationship. I said that I would understand if she needed to be with another woman. That might be her sexual preference and I'd rather her figure that out sooner than later.

As far as what marriage is I feel that that is different to different people. What's sacred to me might not be sacred to you. Marriage to me is always being there for each other and yes caring about each other.

Since you seem to have nothing constructive to say and only want me to feel worse instead of better and have no advice on how to save my marriage I'd appriciate it if you wouldn't post in this thread again.

Ben

What FH said is dead on. If you don't share the same views with him on marriage, your marriage is bound to fail. How can you say your marriage isn't open when you would allow her to sleep with another woman? That sounds open to me. We aren't trying to attack you, but we're telling you that YOUR VIEWS on marriage are bound to lead you to divorce. If you don't want to get divorced, then you need to change your views about marriage. Marriage can only be protected if you only allow your spouse and no one else to meet your emotional needs. If you allow someone to meet your wife's emotional needs other than yourself, you are not protecting your marriage. Your feelings for each other are NOT unconditional. Marriage is different things to different people. That's why 50% get divorced, because it isn't as sacred to them as it is to others. FH is just trying to educated you as to what is necessary for a lasting committed relationship. If you don't like it, then you shouldn't have gotten married.

Couple questions. First does anyone have an idea of how to get the OM's last name with just his first and a cell phone number? I tried looking it up with a reverse search in the white pages but that didn't work.

Second, and I think I might have asked this before but how do I tell my WS to end all contact without driving her away. Ending all contact will be difficult too since she works with him but she's putting her job in danger by having the affair in the first place since she's his superior. Would it be wrong to write an anon. letter to the District Manager? This happened to another couple in the same store recently. no one lost their job, one of the people had to transfer. It's a retail store so I don't think she would suspect it was be since there's plenty of gossip.

Ug, one more question. If I can find the OM's mom should I contact her before I ask my WS to stop seeing him? I won't be able to do that until next sunday since I left to see my parents for a week.

You don't do it anonymously, you just flat out call them up, schedule a meeting, show them your proof, and let whatever happens happen. If she gets fired, it's her fault for sleeping with a subordinate, not yours.

I wouldn't worry about exposure driving her away right now. Worry about the OM. Once he's out of the picture, then you will get your chance. Exposure and working to end her affair will always drive a WS away. It's like tearing a crack pipe out of an addict's hands. They are always going to throw a fit.

Do it all at the same time. You want exposure to be like a tsunami.

Is contacting the OM and asking him to stop a bad idea?

How about telling him to stop? She is your wife afterall.

so telling him to stop is not a bad idea?

First would be to call the OM's parents ASAP. You have internet access where you are this week, why not do some searching for a number and address for the OM's parents. If you can get hold of them this week while you are away they may be able to stop the Affair. You are not there, what do you think your wife is doing back home? More than likely she is seeing the OM, unless she is there with you. If she is that would be even better.

TELLING the OM to stop is not a bad idea. You may scare him off. Worst case he will ignore your demand, best case he runs like a scared rat.

Also your wife MUST quit that job. Your marriage will not even begin to heal if she still has contact with him.