|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069 |
Welcome to marriage builders. As you read and learn about the plans here, please keep one thing in mind. Don't let your spouse know about this site. While it would be good for them to read here, most are not interested while still in an affair.
However, they will find your thread and monitor it. And that takes away a lot of your support.
We've had that happen to two members here just lately.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652 |
Very true. I wonder if this could be pinned, or added to the welcome msg or something.
(By the way, once they're here, we may as well try to influence them positively. But I do agree with you, absolutely. Don't take my other post as disagreeing, 'kay?)
me - 47  H - 39  married 2001 DS 8a  DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 24
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 24 |
I don't feel this should be general advice. I told my wife about the site and I wouldn't mind her monitoring my thread. I have nothing to hide from her. There is tons of good information that she could benefit from as well. I realize though that not everyone would be as comfortable with it as I am though
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069 |
Benc - I told my ex about it too, and he never bothered to show up. Now that we are divorced (and his affair ended), and I have moved on, he is reading here from time to time.
And there is nothing that is secret or anything that the WS shouldn't know. It is just a real problem when someone wants support. When the active WS is reading, it stunts support, and any plans are anticipated by the WS. Not good.
We have lots of wonderful former WS's posting here, and they are a great asset.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,496
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,496 |
Benc, this is good advice and should be heeded. During an A, there are steps or "plans" that are followed to assist in the demise of the A. Having the WS aware of these step/plans make them less effective.
Thanks B.
BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 480
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 480 |
Our FORMER WS's are invaluable!! A current WS, has a different take on us. Some WS's who have read here have pretty much called us looneytunes for lack of a better word. This is YOUR
resource. If she got upset that you told some of her friends, will she be ok with you telling the www? Unfortunately, they read what you write and forego the learning tools that are available.
Last edited by Going_Forward; 04/27/08 10:30 PM.
Marriages don't fail, people do.
(And I don't recall who said it)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464 |
There have also been cases of a WS using a members thread against them in a courtroom.
As Believer said, showing your hand to a WS in an affair is a bad idea. Having the enemy KNOW your moves in advance is BAD for your chances of recovery.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652 |
During an A, there are steps or "plans" that are followed to assist in the demise of the A. Having the WS aware of these step/plans make them less effective. This is EXACTLY the point. For example: let's just say someone comes here soon after D-Day saying their WS is in an affair, they claim the A is over but they "want space". Often the BS feels compelled to give the WS the space they ask for, in fear of making the WS angry and driving them away. But what the BS will be told to do here, is to expose the A, to snoop, to not give a blessing to any request "for space" ... and to fix their part of what's wrong with the M. Now the last one is cool for the WS to read, but the first 2 kinda lose their effectiveness ... KWIM? The WS can intercept or pre-empt exposure. They will know if, when, and how they are being snooped on. Once the A is REALLY over, and they want to learn to restore their M, sure.
me - 47 H - 39 married 2001 DS 8a DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
1,138
guests, and
56
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,032
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
