My wh just confessed about 3 wks ago to having a physical affair with the ow i knew for sure he was having an emotional affair with. he had originally left our home in jan after i told him i could not handle his friendship any longer and if he couldnt give the ow up then he needed to leave. Well he left me and our 12 year old son and went to stay with his mother. In the mean time i find out he had talked to a lawyer about divorcing me and he is still having relationship with ow and it had turned physical. I guess i had to get to the point i had enough. i was trying to talk to him and work it out and he spent several months going back and forth between the ow and I. His mother even got him a new cell phone on her plan. i felt this was underhanded because it let him continue talking to the ow while he was making me think he wasnt doing this. finally in april he confessed to the physical affair and this was after he had started in therapy.

We talked and cried alot and i finally came to the conclusion i could not work this out if he was still going to be involved with the ow. i told him that it was over between he and i and i would no longer protect him in our son's eyes. i said i have been the one to try and keep a relationship going between him and our son. i told him no more. i felt i was harsh and told him i would not protect him any longer and our son would learn what kind of a father he had and he would have to be the one to now contact us in order to see son. he said he was trying to figure a way to break this off and he asked if i do this can i come home and we work this out. i said yes this is the only way.

well the night he broke it off, he spent 2 hrs on the phone listening to her cry and he came to me and said this was the hardest thing he has ever done and he thinks he loves her. im like ok then why are you here. i learned he had to grieve his loss but im having trouble with the fact he said it was hard leaving our son. so he seems to be making it about our son and not about me and im very confused. When he would be going back and forth he would spend maybe 5 minutes with our son and the rest of the time with me. so if its not about me then why is he home. i told him i would never deny him rights to our son.

well now he has gone into deep depression and at times just wants it to end. he wanted me there at first and now its like he has isolated himself. i saw his phone and the ow was still texting him until i confronted her and told her she needed to stop. he would hide his phone from me, he said it was because he deletes those text and he just cant take anymore of this. he does turn his phone off when he leaves work and doesnt turn it on until the next morning. he says now all he wants is to be happy. he is starting back in the i dont know if i want this phase. he did admit to me he is torn, part of him wants to be at home working our marriage and family out and he wouldnt really talk about the other part. i think he wants to be with the woman because he made the comment "well i took her out of the picture" at times he gets angry about our marriage and stays hurtful things like im doing what everyone wants and what do you want from me, and i cant find peace with you. other times he seems so sweet and does small things that make me think he wants this. is he grieving? i asked him this and he said no i grieved when my dad died. i found out he had sent her a cute forward text that he had sent me. could he have done this without thinking and it just be habit. i saw some of the "breakup text" she asked when he could get his stuff from her house and he said he didnt have anything there, he said its stuff she had bought him. he says he isnt having the communication with her. can i believe him? he just seems to be getting worse so thats why i wonder if he is grieving or going thru withdrawal because he just seems to be getting worse. any thoughts would be helpful

Can you exchange phones with him so she doesn't get through? See, everytime she contacts him it triggers his feelings and puts him back to day 1 of recovery. I would suggest doing this along with having him send her a no contact letter that is written together and mailed by you.

Is this woman married? Who is she?

I would also IMPLORE you to contact Steve Harley for an assessement and to get coaching. You are at a CRITICAL POINT in your marriage and this can go either way. Steve can help this go north instead of south.

Do you know about lovebusters? Are you doing everything in your power to make yourself more inviting than the OW?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent

[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Requirements for Recovery from an Affair

Dear K. R.,

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bc
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Best wishes,

Willard F. Harley, Jr.

I am sorry you are in this situation, but it is good that you have found this site. MelodyLane is one of the best posters here, and she will help you execute the MB plans, so you can have the best chance to get to the recovery phase. Trust her, listen to her. The Harley methods are all about having a PLAN which gives you strength during a very horrible and painful time. It is hard to think straight when you are suffering this kind of trauma, so having all of this laid out for you can be a great comfort.

I am a former wayward wife (FWW), and since I have turned my life around, I have put together the following link for newly betrayed spouses (BSs) to help them understand the spouse they are now dealing with (who looks like the same person they married, but certainly doesn't ACT like him/her!) I hope it does help you, because I know how confusing this all is right now.

Good luck and God Bless!


Inside the Wayward Mind

I am willing to try these things, I told wh that i was willing to work past this and put it behind me because i love him and he was more important to me than what he had done. i said because of that then i have to work thru this and put it behind me but he had to also work on things on his end and we needeto find out how we ended up in this situation. i had told him i was done because i couldnt take anymore and i was done. he said if i break it off then i can come home. He came home 3 wks ago after flip flopping for 3 1/2 months and first it seemed he was trying and now he is back to i dont know if this is what i want and im torn. He said part of him wants to be here and work out our marriage and the other part he wouldnt talk about. He said thats why i took the ow out of the pix.

The only thing we would get into an argument about was the ow. everytime something would happen or she would do something it was just make me angry. He said he was tired of me fussing at him all the time and if i find something he would say you dont trust me, you just dont trust me. i told him no i dont trust him, i said he broke that trust and isnt trying to rebuild the trust with me. i feel like he just isnt trying now. i told him i would leave him alone to grieve and he said hes not grieving that he grieved when his dad died. she was trying to still text him til this past weekend when i let her know wh chose to come home and was told if he wanted out of our marriage to go. i also told ow she is fixing to pull wh family in because this is starting to affect our son and now she needs to back off. He said she hasnt sent him a text since then but i just dont know. hes says they arent having personal contact but ive seen where he has forwarded her funny cute emails that he has sent to me. she sends him forwarded emails but by blind cc.

i have gotten to the point now i just cant do this because he just isnt reassuring me the ow is gone and out of the pix. i could hang on if would just do that one thing and reassure me and get rid of the cell phone. he cant tell me he wants our marriage to work, all he can say is what if this doesnt work. he is so negative now. i am consulting a lawyer this week to protect me and our son. i was so hurt by him last wednesday i told him it was over and he wouldnt leave the house. This was all from the previous saturday because i found one of her text and got upset and he tried the suicide ploy like he has done in the past. he said he just couldnt take anymore of this. after he calmed down and i wasnt saying anything about this he seemed like a different person and was all concerned about me and how i was feeling at the moment. i just dont understand and i am so confused. he is not being affectionate to me but he tries to do small things like get breakfast, or we needed toothpaste and he picked some up.

i finally got upset and said i cant do this and even told him about consulting a lawyer and i couldnt do this anymore and i was done. now he is trying in small ways. he still isnt affectionate but he wants me to go with him if we are going to the same place. i had said we need to try to start separting ourselves and he wants to be around me more. we are both in therapy. my therapist said until he is willing to invest himself in trying to rebuild our marriage then its not going to help trying co-counseling. she said i enable him and i need to quit doing that and i have put it out there to him that i love him and im willin to try and work thru this and rebuild our marriage but he has to also be willing to work thru this and sever any ties with the ow and get rid of anything or anyway the ow would be able to contact him. as of right now he can tell me if hes made his decision about working on the 4 boundaries i gave him. they are the cell phone has to go, he has to be willing to invest himself more into rebuilding our marriage, he has to discourage OW (this goes alone with reassuring me), and he has to find another job (they work together). I just dont understand i think these boundaries are not hard. its easy to get rid of the cell and i know the others wont happen overnight, it will just take time. i did that on the advice of my therapist. I wanted those 4 things to startmaking me feel secure so i can put more into rebuilding our marriage. so any advice would be great.

Read this site...go to the homepage, and down the RIGHT hand side (you have to scroll down a little to see it) there is a link called "How to survive infidelity." In those page, you will read about the Plans that Dr. Harley has formulated after 35 years of experience. Understand that nothing is a guarantee, though, and that his plans are just the BEST options to re-gain control of the situation and YOUR life. YOU are the only person you can control.

Right now you are spinning your wheels and getting nowhere fast because you are trying to control HIM. He is a grown man and must make his own choices. The Harley plan is unique because it focuses on how to change YOUR behavior... not for him, but for YOURSELF.

He is addicted to his OW. Every time he sees her or speaks to her (email, etc) he is thrown back into the addiction. Until he separates from her completely, writes a no-contact letter to her and then becomes completely transparent to you (phone records, cell phone, email passwords, wherabouts, etc), you must focus on yourself. You will know when he is ready.

Because of how long he has gone back and forth and drug you through the mud, I would suggest that you spend the next few days reading as much as you possibly can (avoid him as much as you can for now...no relationship or affair talks/fights, whatever). Start with the Harley articles...it is invaluable information that is provided to you for free. It is a gift from Dr. Harley himself, as all other sites would charge you for this kind of knowledge. You have found this site for a REASON...USE IT!!

Say nothing to him about this site. Do not tip him off to any of the things you are learning. Really take it all in, ask questions here, and after a few days...put your plan into action, starting with a short Plan A. If you can possibly call Dr. Harley, that would be IDEAL! As I said, your WH has been going back and forth for a while and it is depleting your love bank to a dangerous low. You are much closer than you think to completely falling out of love with him. It happens very fast, LLL, you could wake up one moring and say...D-O-N-E!!! I want you to learn this stuff and focus on yourself to avoid that happening.

Have you exposed? I can't remember, but think about who in your close circle has influence on him to end the A? Is the OW married? That would be your next stop. Believe me, your WH will be FURIOUS, but (trust me on this) YOUR MARRIAGE CAN SURVIVE HIS ANGER, IT CANNOT SURVIVE A CONTINUING AFFAIR!!!!!!!!!

Here are some other links for you to read (but please start with the Harley stuff!!!)

Betrayed Spouses...Be Still
Mark's Musings for Newbies
Pep's Notable Posts
Infidelity Video by Dr. Harley
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
Orchid's Reverse Babble

I know it's a lot, but really...can you keep going on this way? He is threatening suicide, which is really sh!tty, selfish, entitled bullchit...but obviously what both of you are enduring is extremely painful. YOU are the one who can change. YOU hold the key!!!!

Thank you i am going to try that. i just cant take much more because this is starting to affect our son. i walked into his room and he was sitting in the dark listening to a cd facing the wall with his head in his hand. i asked if he was ok and he just said im ok mom. i walked out and started crying.

UPDATE now i am the one confused. ok have been trying plan a to do things to get along with wh. its been calm and quiet. im going out of town this weekend with our son and he was wanting to do some nice things and seems in the mode of wanting to work this out. well last night the ow is out of town also and she left him a message that she made it ok to her travel point. well he is trying to say a mutual friend told her to call and let her or my wh know that she made it. well that other friend has a cell phone with voice mail why she left my wh a message i dont understand. he said he thought it was something innocent and he didnt think anything about it when their mutual friend told him. so im like do i have stupid written across my forehead. he is keeping his phone out in the car like i asked but he isnt telling me when this stuff happens. so now im the one who is confused. i just dont believe him. he just isnt reassuring me and he got mad when i found this message and it was like he was defending it. he later came back and apologized for it. so is he trying to manipulate me again so he can keep this friendship going. he turns his phone after when he gets home and he hasnt gone anywhere in the past 3 wks that i havent known about. his time seems correct? so is it still part of the withdrawal. any more help is greatly appreciated.