My husband and I were seperated for quite a while. We still lived together due to financial reasons, we couldn't afford to live apart. We lived very seperate lives. I had an affair about 6 months into this, and have found myself pregnant with twins. I was in love with this OM and had planned on officially leaving my H to be with the OM when I found out that the OM was actually with someone. He had told me that he wasn't with his girlfriend anymore, they also had 3 children and were just together for the kids and financial reasons as well. My H wants to work things out, the OM says he wants to work things out between us, I am scared to death to tell my family, but I don't know if I can hide the fact that this is from an affair due to the fact that my husband has had a vasectomy. I think I want to work things out with my husband, but it's all so overwhelming. And to make things even worse, I have a very public job, so if and when word gets out I am pregnant, with everyone knowing that I was seperated from my husband, I will loose my job and who knows what else. I am 14 weeks pregnant and it's getting hard to hide this pregnancy. Please, I know what I have done is awful, I don't want to hurt anyone. My husband was a diagnosed sex addict and we went through years of counseling with that. I was just drained and 5 years later, even though I thought I had totally forgiven him for what he had done, I guess I hadn't. I don't know what is right or wrong, I don't know how to get over the OM, I am scared about loosing my job, especially since now we are going to be supporting TWO more kids. That's five kids. I am afraid the financial strain alone is going to put HUGE stress on my marriage. And then we have the strain of the families and what our parents will say about me being pregnant, knowing my husband had a vasectomy. And then the town finding out I am pregnant. It's an absolute nightmare. And I found out that everything the OM said was lies. I know you are probably wondering how in the heck I could still care about him, I don't honestly know, I just do. I don't know where to go from here. My husband is seeing a counselor, he has been for a year or so, well before all of this, I am seeing a counselor, just started...and eventually hoping to either start marital counceling or divorce counceling. Can a marriage survive all of this? How can you exist in a little town (about 6,000 people) and be a public figure, with the OM and have the OM children (they are twins) and face family and friends. I just don't know what to do. I know you all say, should've thought about that before. He had 100% assured me he had a vasectomy, just another of his lies!

What does your husband want to do? Has he been told you are pregnant from your affair?

Has the OM been told you are pregnant?

Secondly, you were not separated. Separated means to separate physically and you said you lived together. A more accurate term would be OPEN MARRIAGE, IMO. Did your H know all this time you were carrying on an adulterous affair while living with him?

If you want to save your marriage, my advice would be.....MOVE AWAY and find a different job.

As for how to get over the OM, write him a NC letter, and change your contact information so he can't get a hold of you. Have no contact with him for life. I know it will be difficult because of the children, but you can't talk with this guy ever again. You'll have to work something out about the children, but do not do it by yourself with the OM. Have lawyers handle things. The best way to quit OM is cold turkey. You know that he is a lying SOB, so snap out of your addiction to him.

First I want to commend you for coming here. It is never easy for the wayward spouse to come into a place full of hurting betrayed spouses. Second I want to say what an amazing H you have to be willing to accept not one but two OC. Sit back and think what that would feel like as a man, to have your W pregnant with another man's child(ren).

Now, I have to say this as a FWW myself (and a BS with an OC)... get over yourself! Here you have done the worst you can do to your H (ok he has done wrong too, we are talking about you) and you are worried about your reputation? Where was that worry when you were sleeping with another woman's man and cheating on your H? Were you thinking of OM's children or your own children? Nope. So stop making this about you.

Can you recover your M? With your H's cooperation, probably. You will need to go completely NC with xOM. No contact for life. This probably means moving. Your family? Well at this point to ensure you don't continue the affair, I hope your H has already exposed your affair to them. Otherwise, be brave and expose yourself. Be honest and start living an honest life.

If your H knows about the twins and is still willing to work to save the M then by all means do! You should be only worried about what he thinks. As for everyone else, well sometimes vasectomies fail, ya know... just tell everyone his swimmers must be pretty dang good! Since you were still living together that should be explanation enough for your family, friends, and work.

If your H is wonderful enough to raise the twins as his own, make the best M ever and make a beautiful home for your 5 kids.

I'm the father of twins.

Twins are the most challenging and difficult babies to have. They're a ton of work.

I will be the first to tell you that there is no way I would put up with that difficulty and stress for kids that aren't mine.

He may say he's willing to stay and help, but let me tell you that the reality of having twins is very different than what people think it is like.

I love my boys. I help with their care because they're mine.

There's no way I would have been willing to put up with the sleep deprivation and challenges of caring for them if they weren't.

Vasectomies do reverse on their own sometimes. You may wish to check this.

I'm simply being realistic with you on this issue.

Love does not conquer all. Sorry to tell you. He may be onboard with forgiving you, but the reality of caring for twins will bring him crashing to reality.

You're in a very bad position and the sad part of it all is that your H would be stuck with CS if you guys D and he'd be forced to care for kids that aren't his because you couldn't be faithful.

Sorry, that is harsh to say, but that's the reality. I certainly hope you can understand if he wants nothing to do with the marriage, you, or the OM's kids and you let him walk away if he chooses to do so.

He's in a lose/lose situation. It would be different if the kids were his, but they aren't.

It's one thing to rebuild a marriage with children that are yours. It's quite another to rebuild with children conceived in adultery.

So he can forgive you and stay and raise kids that aren't his (the most challenging type being multiples) or he can walk away and be stuck with paying for the care of kids that aren't his.

He's in terrible situation either way.

He may say he's onboard and want to stay and you get romantic notions of how great a man he is to be willing to do so, but I'm here as the realist who will tell you that the reality of caring for multiples will drive away anyone who insn't connected by blood.

I cared for my boys because they were my flesh and blood and it was my duty as a husband and father.

If they weren't mine? It would be hard to bond with them and the resentment over the challenge would really eat at me over time.

I'm not telling you what to do in your situation. I'm merely sharing the reality of what you face with you from your H's standpoint.

Yes, he has been told. He actually knew before I told the OM. He responded very positively, he wasn't the one that wanted to stop having children, I was. He feels badly for how he treated me in past pregnancies and see's this as a way to make up for that. I was always honest with him.

I just want to say thankyou to all of you who replied. I am so sorry for all of your hurts. I didn't mean to by any means come across as self absorbed. Honestly, as far as public and family finding out about this, I don't care, more concerned about what the family will have to go through, my husband and kids. I don't want them to have to suffer. I think I can resolve this though. My h continues to be really supportive. He just is sorry that he treated me the way that he did. I like what Jayne said, who cares what everyone else thinks, and vasectomies fail! And who can disprove that right? I suppose they can say my kids don't look like my hubby, but kids don't always. Anyways, thank you all for your responses...if anyone else has any advice, I'd sure be willing to take it!

Thanks again!

sd,

I truly wish you the best. I am merely being a realist and can tell you that the challenges of raising twins are huge.

The psychology and bond between men and women and children are very different.

Perhaps your H is one of the minority of men who'se love for the woman and his wife overrides past discretions.

I was certainly willing to forgive me WW despite the fact that she never gave me the chance to. I'm merely saying that raising another man's child may have ultimately been too much.

Just be prepared that baby twins are a very real challenge under normal circumstances. Your situation adds that much more to the challenge, but I hope your H is up for it and you can get through this.

sdchelle,


So let me see, if I have this right? All is good because your H is supportive and he is sorry he treated you poorly earlier in the marriage. And further, you think you can pass off that the children are H's because really the "snip" might not have worked.

So all is good in your world right? And "I suppose they can say MY kids don't look like my hubby". MY kids???? So your H is going to rear the children, pay for them (because after all OM already has three right?) and they are YOUR kids?

sdcheele, you said you would be willing to take some advice. I would strongly urge you to read the articles on this site. I would strongly urge you and your H to seek counseling. I don't think you have really considered how deeply this has affected him and will affect him.

Finally, you are using his past behavior to justify yours. If you keep that up your marriage might as well end NOW. You need to really think hard about the concept of forgiveness. If you cannot forgive him or will not forgive him unless he assumes the responsibility for these twins coming, you should not be married to him, and he is a fool to take on the responsibility under those conditions.

That man needs to be released from what you hold over his head, just as you will also need to be released from what you have done. You will bring two children into the world, your H clearly did not want, He had a vasectomy, Or was it you that did not want them and that is why he had a vasectomy? You won't inconvience OM with having to support them, you have no problem letting your H do so.

Do you see the level of selfishness that you have risen to?? Read the articles here, get some of the books, and learn how to be the W you need to be. Perhaps your H will do the same.

Please think about all of this very carefully. You have some serious thinking to do and you need to do it NOW before you end up with an H that deeply resents what you have done, and you are facing having these twins alone.

God Bless,

JL

Just wait until he finds out you have deceived him.

Um, I'm the mother of twins (see my sig) so I didn't say what I said in ignorance of the difficulties.

Also, these were my first. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. On one hand, you may have it easier because you aren't a newbie parent. On the other hand, at least I have no idea what it's like raising just one kid since I have nothing to compare it. It seems like it would be awfully lonesome for the kid, and more work to entertain and keep busy, especially after they're weaned and potty-trained.

I wanted *one* *girl*. I got *two* *boys*. Now I have no idea what I would've done with just one, and a girl to boot. As long as I can keep my boys from killing each other, they are a joy. Except when they're throwing the furniture off the deck in the middle of the night in December. LOL

Seriously, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm sure there are adoptive parents who love their kids just as much as biological parents do, and I bet that applies to parents who adopt sibling groups. If your H knows about sleep deprivation, night feedings, diapers, sickness, and knows there will be two, then I'd say he's able to determine for himself what he's willing to do.

Of course I have no idea what it's like to only have one diaper to change.

jayne,

I wasn't really replying to you so much as just adding to the end of the thread.

pom

I'm sorry pom, I didn't mean to come off like I was snapping at you.

I can see that it would be difficult to not resent bringing up someone else's kids. The extra work involved in twins could compound that. But OTOH I do think it's possible for nonbiological parents to totally bond with their kids.

It is obviously possible, but I think it is much less so when those children are the product of infidelity.

I also think it is easier for women to set that aside than it is for men.

Boils down to our base instincts: A woman knows her children are hers. A man doesn't.

The emotional bond is more important to women than to men in an affair (generally speaking). That's why there is pain over the feelings of love shared with another woman.

Men are bothered more by the sexual acts (generally speaking) and less so by the emotions.

Why? Blame it on biology. A man wants to know that the children in his marriage are his and that she isn't sleeping with someone else.

A woman wants to make sure that the emotional bond between her and her mate is strong so that he stays and helps raise her children.

This is a theory based on biology.

But if you look at these threads and see how different men and women are in terms of the things that "hurt" you can see a general focus on the sexual betrayal by men and a focus on the emotional one by women.

It's a "general" observation.

I could see myself bonding with a child that I knew up front wasn't mine and I chose to take care of him/her (adoption).

Not so with a child produced out of infidelity.