I am the cheater, the wayward wife. But I suffered more than I can tell. And I need help.

We met in a third country. Both he and I are not the citizens of that country but we speak English.

Before that I did have some problems with my husband (basically financial pressure, He didn't have permanent jobs and he came to this country mainly for me). But I had faith that we could survive it because I was grateful that my husband was willing to sacrifice for me and I knew we both loved each other and we both were good people.

But then I met him. He is a good husband, with two lovely daughters and a beautiful wife. It's apparent he has a beautiful family. But because we are housemates and live together and he's kind of fun-going and sociable person, we chatted a lot. During the first two weeks we spent together, I realized that I had never been so happy in my life, esp. after marriage. It seems that I have been repressing myself all the time. And he liked me, obviously. One night, we chatted until 5 am in the morning. And I told him that I am not particularly happy with my husband and he said if he were my husband he would make me very happy.

Although I sensed that he was trying to speak something bad about my husband probably as a way to cheat me into a relationship with him(he is 11 years' older than me and later I knew he had several lovers in his marriage but he never told me the whole stories.), I also realized that he was not a bad man. In fact, everyone (female) in the house likes him. He is helpful, warm-hearted and humorous.

We almost walked to each other at the same time. He gave me implications here and there but it was me who picked them up. But definitely it took me some time and determination to do this. And I was amazed that I was so easily corrupted by this passion for him given the fact that I had decided to love my husband more for his sacrifice for me.

He treated me tenderly, claming I am a perfect wife in his eye.And his words sound sincere. I have never imagined that a man can treat a woman so well. Perhaps because of the cultural differences or perhaps because he is really a tender husband, he treated me as a father, a husband, a lover, every role I can imagine of a man. His way of looking at me, his way of feeding me, his way of kissing, everything makes me feel that he is the right man for me. And he felt the same way. I feel it's a shame to say, but we had great sex, something that really overwhelmed me. Although I was filled with fear and shame, I couldn't help falling in this relationship deeper and deeper. We behaved desperate and one of the reasons is that we both knew he would only stay in this country for 5 months.

My husband didn’t know the whole thing, but obviously he sensed my change. We quarrelled during the process and talked seriously about divorce. When he was there, I was so determined that I thought divorce would be good to me. But he advised me that divorce is not good for me and asked me not to make a haste decision, saying that if my husband left me, I would be alone in a different country. It would be more difficult for me.

Then he left. I felt like dying. I had problems in engaging myself with my life again. I couldn't have sex with my husband although he is physically appealing. I felt the way he made love with me is all wrong. I dreaded, in fact, to face him in bed. (This also happened when he stayed here.)I couldn't feel my love for my husband although deep down I know I still love him and depend on him. My mind is filled with him. And he kept contact with me after he went back to his own country, although he asked me not to contact him via his home mobile phone but another phone number. And he never gave me his home phone number. His caution, care for the integrity of his own family makes me sad.

The possibility of meeting him is slender. Although he claimed he wanted to marry me, I understand the possibility of his divorcing his wife and marrying me is also slender. But I have this fantasy of marrying him. (Isn’t it ridiculous, considering my marital status) I dream wildly of re-start a marriage with him. We text each other everyday but I am so miserable because every time I ask him whether he has a plan or not. He claims that he doesn’t have a plan. He wants everything comes naturally. He claims that he can’t marry me now but that doesn’t mean he can’t in future. He claims that he wants to marry me but I don’t see he makes any move.

The strange thing is he still keeps texting me. He expects to receive “sweet words” from me. But keeping this emotional tie with him kills me. I am confused by this indecision of love. I can’t love two men together. I think it’s not a right thing to do. I understand if I will, I still have a chance to go back to my life to love my husband and probably this experience will only make me more faithful to my marriage in future.

But I really find it hard. I want to stop texting him. Then he would try all means to persuade me into believing that he wants to marry me. He asks me to wait for him as if he is fighting a war, not knowing when he will be back. (I am literally moved by his words like this.)

I know marriage needs faith. I know it so well that’s why I feel I need to make a decision, either to give up this hopeless love or to wait for him faithfully (ironic? Isn’t it?) I know theoretically I should reconstruct my faith to my husband and love him. But I live in his shadow and can’t walk out of it. Now two months have passed since he left but I still hold this very hope that someday he will marry me! I simply can’t kill this slender, slim, flittering hope. And I still have this romantic imagination that I am willing to sacrifice everything for this beautiful love as long as he can choose to leave his wife.


I don’t want to destroy his family, I really don’t. I just fall in love with a man whom I think is my Mr. Right. There are a thousand things that make us to be together naturally, as if a magic, as if destined.

What can I do?

Thanks in advance for any advice and help.

This is a MARRIAGE BUILDING site.

Sorry. I know I would possible incur all kinds of blames here. But as Dr. Harley says, cheater is also the victim of a relationship. Blame me if you want but please give me a little help. Thanks.

Start by blowing that fantasy bubble wide open.

1. Expose your A to your H, so at least he knows what is going on and can make a decision about who he spends the rest of his life with, rather than leaving that to someone who's obviously living a fantasy.

2. Find a way to contact the OM's W and expose the A to her. I'll be that will be the quickest way for the veils to be drawn away from your fantasy image of the OM, and exposing to you what he really is like.

3. Ask yourself how you could honestly consider someone who's had several lovers in his M'd life as "not a bad man". He has committed one of the worst sins possible, several times over. Being charming doesn't make him any less of an adulterer.

It sounds by your post that you are more interested in trying to stay with the OM than saving your M with your H.

If you want to save your M than i am sure there are lots of people here who would be willing to help, but to ask us how to help you "get your OM" is not going to get you any responses.

This is a good place to start!!!!

Josephineflower,

First of all you are not being punished. You are punishing your H. He is the one that is feeling the full punishment of your affair, not you.

You get your H to take care of you and you get to spend your time dreaming of your "soulmate". You should be very happy with this situation or you would be changing it.

I am a bit confused about your situation. Could you help clear this up for me? Your H moved with you to another country, because you wanted him to do so? He came her although He is having trouble finding work? Is that right? Why are you in whatever country you are in?


You are NOT a victim Josephine, you are the perpetrator. Your H is the victim. Your OM is not going to meet you in the future because as you say he has a beautiful W and children. You are nothing but a daliance to him, and someone to have some fun with.

Sounds harsh doesn't it? You are in what is termed here "the fog", it clouds your thinking and your dedication. You will NOT come out of the fog until you cease all contact with OM, and then you will go through withdrawal very much as a drug addict does. At that point, there is a chance for your marriage.

However, your H needs to know of this affair. He needs the opportunity to make decisions about HIS life and whether his future includes you or not. You have essentially cast him aside, and he does not know why. He needs to know why. He already knows things are very wrong, but he is blaming himself and that is part of the PUNISHMENT you are inflicting on him. Stop punishing him and let him determine his life.

Your marriage can be better than it was, but it cannot do that with you in contact with OM.

It is your call, but rest assured you are NOT being punished, you are simply putting yourself in a lose-lose situation. OM will play with you until he gets tired of you or finds another woman. Your H will eventually get fed up and leave as well.

Your life rests in your hands, DO SOMETHING RIGHT! Make a decision.

JL

Josephine,

You're caught in a fantasy and not in reality. The man you're hung up on is cheating on his wife with you.

This is a very real thing which you need to understand and accept:

If he does it with you, he'll do it to you.

So do as you've been advised above and let go of this fantasy, because that is all it is; a fantasy.

Last night at my AA meeting there was a man who has been in and out of the program. He gets he is an alcoholic, he can see that his life is being destroyed, but he is so angry that he what he is and isn't willing to do what is necessary to get his life straightened out.

As I sit here and read what you wrote my first reaction is what I probably shouldn't say. I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you understand that people who on here have been hurt DEEPLY.

What kind of help are you looking for. I'm still trying to figure out how you are the victim in this? Can you tell me how you get there.

Oh good lord.

I have an idea for "her".


The broken english is almost contribed.

Or as put, the brokens englishes is almost contribeded.

Josephine,

I am one of the hurting on here but I do see your pain and will try and help.
When I met my husband he was the most wonderful man I could think of. He was so kind and thoughtful nothing I ask of him was to much. If I needed him he would drop everything and come to me. It was the best time of our lives together.
I had known him for about a year when we were married. He was a wonderful thoughful and loving man what more could any woman want.
Three days after the wedding he told me he had gotten married so he could settle down and do what he wanted to do. So we settled down. He no longer responded to me needing help, when we came home from work I cooked and cleaned up, he sat and read the newspaper, watched television ect. Most of the time he did not want to make love unless it was his idea so we did not. He would yell at me for no reason tell me how sorry and no good I was till finally I started yelling back.
I still love my husband very much so I gave up on myself and my life was only for him. When I could not make enough money at a job I had I would start looking for another job. Anything he wanted he got. I did without.
Almost seven years into our marriage finally he was realizing he was wrong he started treating me well, thinking of me ect.
Then just as I was getting a dream job he got a set back at work. Lost his rank ect. That threw him into a don't care time.
That is when he met an old "one night stand Friend" they had known each other for years before he had ever met me.
He has left me and moved her into another house we own that I worked and payed for, she thinks he is so wonderful. He has all the time in the world for her if she wants to go they go. She does not cook, she does not clean, she does not work.
What I am trying to show you is you have a dream now. You do not love this man nor he you. It was a brief affair nothing more. Yes it seemed wonderful but it is just a dream. His wife loves him she has put up with his affairs, her heart is breaking, she wants that man that made love to you but she does not have him nor would you if he was your husband.
What you do have is a husband that loves you more than life itself do not fool yourself he knows what you have done and still loves you.
What could you possibly want to keep hurting him for. You said he was good to you would do anything for you why would you even consider giving that up for a dream that will never become a reality. Even if this other man left his wife and married you you would be treated just as she has.
My husband tells me he is just having a last fling, he knows I love him and there is no chance of him losing me.
I am in more pain that words can express.
DON"T BE STUPID! Put all this entergy into your marriage and make it passionate, loving and true.
Do it now before it is to late.

Thank you Kathy.

I know from him that his wife has discovered one of his love affairs before and even in that case she didn't want to leave him.

I assume I am just an innocent spoiled wife who has been taken in by a man with sweet words and dreamed with him in the wonderland of love although I don't deny that my own weakness helps lead to all this.

I lived in such a fantacy in the past 7 months that I didn't even feel guilty or shame. But now, I feel really shameful and guilty for what I am doing.

In fact, I am trying to save myself from all this. I begin to write on my blog about all good points of my husband, trying to make myself love him again.

And today, after all what you have said here, I am determined to delete his phone numbers and stop contact with him. But I know this is like a sickness, it will not be easily cured for once and all. I might want to speak to him again when I am weak and fragile. I might dream again. But I am trying and I think I need time.

Thanks again for everyone, even those who speak harshly. You help me to engage with my reality and realize the value of my husband.

Be good to yourself, JF...

Inform OM's wife of his affair.

Tell your H.

Bring reality to yourself...you know it's the road to redemption. You've been in seven months of lies (part of fantasy)...come clean with yourself and others. Only way to break the fantasy and amend your shame and guilt.

You can do this. You are strong enough. Now, be honest enough. You've made your goal...take the steps to reach it.

First one, honesty.

Welcome.

LA

Josephine, the best thing you can do now to end the A is to TELL YOUR H. Just DO IT. If you don't feel safe enough to do so, then ask a trusted friend to be present, or disclose in a place that you feel your safety will not be threatened.

Telling your H will quickly burst the fantasy bubble that you now find yourself in.

Josephine, the best thing you can do now to end the A is to TELL YOUR H. Just DO IT. If you don't feel safe enough to do so, then ask a trusted friend to be present, or disclose in a place that you feel your safety will not be threatened.

Telling your H will quickly burst the fantasy bubble that you now find yourself in.


[quote]

You may be right in saying so. I believe it will helpful for bursting the fantasy bubble. But how many husbands will forgive their wives for A? Have you got statistics? Perhaps more women will forgive their men. This is a realistic world. If I do so, I equally risk losing my marriage.

I know I am selfsih in doing that. But when A happens on one party of the marriage, the other party is not totally innocent. The reason why I feel it difficult to go back to my life is perhaps not only because I am living in a "FOG" now, but I made a comparsion. I see the difference. I feel a different life which is far more better than my own. I feel a far more considerate, thoughful, tender husband who cares a woman's needs on different levels. In other words, this A breaks all my notion of a happy marriage and I feel my marriage is not that perfect at all.

How can I go back? I know that man is only a dream for me. I can kill that dream if I try hard. But how can I get my life back? How can I persuade myself into believing my H is equally nice as him after this comparison? I feel hopeless in a way because I know my husband is not perfect but I cann't change that. I know that man is great but he is not mine. I am in the middle of no where.

What a load of entitlist fog babble.

YOU made the decision NOT him.

You have the responsibility to do ALL of the work for recovery to begin. He IS totally innocent to YOUR decision.

Stop with the act like you are the victim here.

You don't get it.

From the moment you chose to break your vows to your H by engaging in adultery with another man, you effectively chose to end the M. Yes, there might be a piece of paper somewhere that says you're legally bound together, but that's about it. Right now you have your poor H living in a lie, a lie that you created with your choices. To put it bluntly, you are abusing him, and the longer you do that, the more pain he's going to go through when he finds out, and he will eventually find out, I can guarantee that.



On that we can agree!


I sense a subtle amount of blame-shifting there. Did you involve your H in your choice to have sex with another man? Did he agree. You have no-one but yourself to blame for choosing to have an A.



...and you are making it worse by lying to and misleading your H. You can make it better by reintroducing honesty into your M, or you can decide to D your H and seek a better M elsewhere. But what you are choosing to do now to your H is simply evil.



It's still all about you, you, you, isn't it? Do your H a favour. Be honest with him about the A and your view of the state of your M. If he decides to work on the M, it may get better - if you work on it as well. If he decides to end the M, then you'll have the opportunity to pursue your fantasy relationship without abusing your H in the process.

Alright, as everyone has said, this must end. Let me tell you a brief story, then give explain it.

My FWW had a relationship with OM for 7+ months. They saw one another at work and every other week on a date. They had a single instance of SF about 2.5 months in (Valentine's Day). He was only in it for the idea that a young good looking woman could be into him and she was in it for the fantasy of avoiding the stresses of life. She finally told me that she wanted to move out and see other people. I told her that wasn't acceptable to me, and that I wasn't giving up on our family. I said that she could either come back or would lose everything. She revealed because she really wanted out because he didn't treat her right. I didn't reveal to everyone because she ended it very quickly after D-Day. We are working hard on reconciling and recovering now. When we can scrape together the money soon, we are going to do a few sessions with the Harley's.

Here is the explanation part that is very important for you...

First, during the time of the A, she was checked out emotionally. She wasn't what we needed her to be for our family. You are not the W you should be for your family when you are living a fantasy that revolves around another person. The OM doesn't belong in your marriage now any more than he did at the alter when you said your vows. My FWW was totally living in a fantasy, and now can't comprehend what she was doing involved with OM. You are in a fantasy world, and all you are doing is avoiding reality! The thing is, your family can never be a happy and fulfilling thing for any of you while you are living in this fantasy world. All it is doing is preventing you from doing the things in your marriage to make it a great one. You will never be happy in your marriage until you get real and do the hard work a good marriage requires.

Second, the longer this goes on, the harder it is going to be to get out of. You are just growing your addiction to the fantasy. You are doing a horrible thing to not only your husband, but to yourself. The longer you wait, the more stress it is going to put on your husband when you do tell, and the more he will have to forgive you for. You see, my wife held out telling me about the SF until I really confronted her. She was trying to protect me from the hurt, but she really just set our recovery back almost nine months. You need to get this out, be totally open and honest, and be ready to accept that your husband is going to be wrecked for some time. The longer you hang onto this, the harder it is going to be for your husband to forgive you and the harder it is going to be to for you to end your addiction.

My advice: end the A, tell all, beg for forgiveness, commit yourself to your family like never before, and NEVER do anything like this again. Please, for the sake of everyone involved, including OM's family, do the right thing.

Josephine,

I was glad to read your reply. I will not comment on telling your husband it seems you have had enough input on that. I know you hurt and it is hard to let go of a dream. But that is all it was. A dream. The reality of it will hit you one day when you least exspect it and it will hurt you.
I know how easy it is to blame your husband. My husband blames me that he is doing now. It takes hard work to make a marriage.
As women most of the time(sorry guys) it is our job to work the hardest.
My husband tells people I will always be there for him because I love him so much. If he knows that then why am I to blame for his A?
Please get your head on straight. Forget this om he does not want you he has gotten what he wanted and gone on. He will if he hasn't already find the next woman to have an affair with.
Affairs have nothing to do with love only lust and self gradification. All you do when you contact him is make him think more highly of himself and give him a laugh at your exspense.

Josephine,

Mark1952 used this quote in a post to another thread but I thought it would be very useful for you to read it.



Do you see yourself in Pitman's description? I do.

You know how to tell you are in the fog??? You claim you don't want to disclose to your H because you are afraid he might divorce you and then you turn around and say:

Given what you say you feel, what have you go to lose by telling your H the God's honest truth? Most marriage where there is an affair don't end in divorce according to Dr. Harley. Whether your's will or won't really has a lot more to do with you than anyone else.

You have had some very disrespectful judgements of your H. You have stacked the deck against him and then NOT given him a chance to show you what is really inside his heart. You say you want a considerate, thoughtful, tender husband, but you clearly don't think he deserves the same thing.

Josephine, it is time to step up H about this affair, or your marriage really has little chance. It may not have much of a chance anyway, but you have no way of knowing. Affairs change marriages and you will NOT go back to the old marriage no matter what you do. You have destroyed that marriage with your justification and your actions. Your H just doesn't know it yet. He needs to know, he no longer has a real marriage, it is just a "fantasy" of his.

Please think about this very carefully.

God Bless,

JL