My name is Michael, i am a 21 year old man. I have a son with the woman who i am divorcing. I really need some advice on everything!

Towards the end of March, we got into a very tiny fight over finding a gift for my niece. she got mad at me for not helping her find it, so i told her to divorce me and find someone else. well i didn't expect that she would do what she did. she packed her clothes and had a friend pick her up. she left our son with me. over the next week, we didn't talk at all. i heard from a friend at school that she was filing for a divorce, so i went to file first.. and i did. anyways, so now this past weekend, i went to visit my father who lives in the same town she does. i asked her if we could hang out and talk about what had happened, because we hadn't yet. well, my dad ended up giving us a key to his second property about 30 miles away from his house, so we went out there by ourselves. we talked, and ended up having sex.. quite a few times. now im not sure what it all meant, if anything. through our talk, she told me that she felt we need to grow up. so she wants to continue living apart, get a full-time job, and move out on her own. i told her we could do it together, but she swears it has to be done on her own. however, she says that she can see us back together in the future, more specifically, when i graduate college in January of next year. but i don't think either of us can wait that long. so.. what should i/we do? if you need more information please ask!

First of all, I'm sorry for your situation and I'm also very sad. My own DS was just married this past weekend at the age of 19 and I fear he could be you in a few short years. There is a lot of immaturity coming through in your story (sorry if that hurts but it's the truth). For better or for worse certainly does not exclude arguments over shopping or one-upping each other to file for divorce first. I'm sure you realize it now.

What I'd be more concerned with if I were you is the prospect of another man in the picture. Why is she so determined to live on her own? It's true, you both need to grow up but you have already made this committment. Marriage is an adult commitment and though you are both adults, you are young adults and still have plenty of maturing to do. I'm sorry I can't give you any specific advise. Personally, I wouldn't want to live separated especially since you will both change a lot over the next few years. But only you know what is right for you.

Welcome. No offense, but I generally try to get people to not marry before they are 25 - too many chances you'll change your mind on what you really want out of life, and too many chances you'll come to resent your partner for holding you down. And I've rarely met anyone who married as young as you who truly understood what love is yet. Love is putting the other person's well being ahead of yours, compromising, not having to win all the time, having no desire to look at other people because you can't believe how lucky you are that your spouse chose you.

I'd guess that's what happened with her. Kids (and you are both kids, if you go by life experience and wisdom) are supposed to go out and enjoy life; she got pregnant and it all got wiped away in an instant. The 'family' means she can't be fun and spontaneous and exciting and all the other stuff many young people want.

I also would bet money that someone was at least hitting on her, so she started looking around and realizing there are a lot of other guys out there who would be fun to date. You gave her an out with the D word, and she took it.

But, if you really want to work on the marriage, there are a lot of things you can do to give it a better chance. Read all the articles here, and then come back and we can give more specific advice.

Also welcome, Michael...have you read the articles on this website? Basic Concepts, Emotional Needs (ENs), Love Busters (LBs)? Please do so as soon as possible. You may find what you did when you told your wife to just divorce you then...was a huge LB.

Threats are devastating to our love banks. Marriage is structured to be our safe place, looking out for each other (read the rules of protection and time, and policy of joint agreement and radical honesty). When we threaten our partners, we wipe out that structure.

It's how we can go from allies to enemies really rapidly.

What do you want, Michael? Do you want an intact, loving, in-love family for yourself, your wife and your son? Or do you want to split his world apart for the rest of his life?

Just wondering...because you don't get top billing in this scenario, do you? I think you know you don't. And you both can grow together, in mutuality, respect and love...it's a choice, not a wish.

Are you going to fight to save your marriage...not because of your feelings...but because you made vows to yourself...what you were going to do...and will hold yourself to them?

Dr. Harley has books and seminars just for you...Fall in Love, Stay in Love; His Needs, Her Needs; Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders...they can give you the TOOLS to use in your life to understand relationship, yourself and be the best partner possible in your marriage.

Again, choice to gain knowledge, study and learn...and let go the outcome. You never controlled it, anyway.

Learn to own what you do that harms and attacks your marriage...then amend your actions. Work on identifying and eliminating your LBs...whether you choose to continue with the divorce or not.

Can you look your 15-year-old son in the eye in the future and say, "I broke apart your world because of a tiny argument." Will that make you proud? Is that what you want for him? Or will he grow up deeply frightened to EVER tick you off because you will emotionally divorce him, too? Abandon him?

No matter how much you may tell him you won't...well, you vowed not to do so with his mother, so why not him? See, it's not illogical for kids to fear making their parents hate them, disown them...when they already did it to each other.

Over what, really?

You can call the Harleys for counseling, get the books...study and investigate if she is having an affair (might be just in her head)...and be honest with yourself how many threats you gave to your partner, not conscious how wounding they were...own and amend them...each one, 'k?

You can take this opportunity to become a great communicator, act from respect, understand and know how relationships work...or you can stumble around waiting for your partner to decide what only you can decide for yourself...or you can follow through on your threat...and end it in divorce...which means you kept that as your one vow...and maybe repeat these relationship patterns you have...

You can learn to say, "I'm feeling really frustrated looking for this gift right now. I feel pressured and upset." Which would build intimacy...or your wife could learn to say, "It's your niece and I want you with me so I can honestly say it was from both us. It's important to me."

Then you could have acted from love, or come up with another way so that you both would have been enthusiastic...because you put your marriage first...treasure it the most...her happiness as important as yours...

And you can again. Up to you. Your choices matter. You're half of the marriage.

You don't have a sone with the woman you're divorcing...you are married to the mother of your son. See the difference? One discounts, throws away and doesn't own reality. She is your wife (until the decree is signed)...you are her husband.

Be honest with yourself...you aren't the first to react instead of act...which is the key to really growing up...act, don't react.

Welcome...

LA