Hey guys,

Please advise me. I just found out from my atty that WH had a heart attack (beginning of April) and was hospitalized and is now in rehab. As you all know, he left town 9 mos ago and I have not seen or heard anything. I assumed that he moved to OP's state with her.

I had a mutual friend call him to see if he is OK. He is out of work and in rehab, and said that he had surgery. He didn't even tell our DD.

My friend asked if he would talk to me and he said absolutely not.

Can someone advise me? Plan B is one thing, but when someone's life is on the line it's another. I don't know if OP is with him or not, but I feel terrible. I feel like I should do something. He really has no other family except a brother to whom he isn't very close. Is this a situation where you should break Plan B?

Did you see the suggestion by SD?

CL.... I know you didn't ask for my help, but...

If someone who is that alone in the world is still that hardened to speak with you...then leave it be. Sounds cold, I know, and maybe if a friend hadn't asked him, and he hadn't said "absolutely not" I would prolly tell you to reach out to him. It is not your fault that he has so little support in his life--you were his wife and he chose to devastate you and your daughter and still does to this day.

Not your problem, shouldn't break Plan B. Just my opinion.

Resonance,

Your help is very much appreciated. I want help from anyone who is willing to help. I called out to the members who post most often to my thread, but it doesn't mean that I don't want help from anyone else.

I'm having a lot of mixed emotions right now regarding this. He has been very hostile towards me. I know that the WS's need to blame the BS's in some way.

Thanks SD. It's not San Diego, it's South Dakota. I may call Jennifer again just to see what she would say. I'm sure she would tell me to do another letter.

I agree with LaLa. He was asked and he answered. Leave him be. Let him find his rockbottom. He will reach out to you when and if he is ready.

Yes, it IS a big deal. But he doesn't want your sympathy. It may actually cause him greater stress.

If you feel you MUST....maybe just send a card and/or flowers saying you are sorry to hear of his illness - wish him well, and be done.

Just my .02 cents.

Fox

I wouldn't break Plan B for this; that would be YOU satisfying your need to DO something. He said he didn't want you to contact him, and I agree with LaLa, this sounds very COLD. Leave him to it, then.

South Dakota was my first thought.

So you saw my advice, and I'll stick by it. And I think you're right--it's what Jennifer would tell you to do.

The kneejerk reaction is that reaching out like this is not plan B, but I think Jennifer's opinion would be "what do you have to lose at this point?" The risk is for YOU--that you will get hopes up and get triggered. You need to be able to do it dispassionately and expect that it will fall on deaf ears. Think that you are doing it just because it's the right thing to do.

That he told your friend he didn't want to talk to you doesn't really factor into this for me. There are lots of possible reasons for him to say that (he doesn't want to admit it to friend, he doesn't want to admit it to himself, he doesn't want to appear weak).

Having a card and flowers show up is different. What's he going to do--throw them away? He will have it with him when he rehabs and thinks. Let him know that the door is still open if he is having second thoughts. If he doesn't want them and throws them away, that doesn't cost CL anything.

If you decide to send something, let me know if you want help putting the words together.

I would say STICK TO PLAN B..

This would have been the PERFECT OPPORTUNITY for him to take your friend up on the opening to call YOU..but he DID NOT...

He needs to SUFFER..not like this particularly..not talking about physical suffering..but let him SUFFER from your absence during this experience...

Your story reminds me of the prodigal son. The father waited. He did not search out his son, but he welcomed his son home when that son did make the choice to return.

The whole idea behind Ark's "Be still" post is that sometimes all a BS can do is wait. In fact, not waiting is to some extent undignified and disrespectful.

If you went into Plan B with a Plan B letter, you've let him know that he can return, but it has to be his choice to return.

There's a line from Milton that I once had in my sig line: "They also serve who only stand and wait."

Cherishing

Gosh, I must be an old softie. I would go see him. My kids dad DIED from the after effects of a heart attack. I think this is part of the in sickness and health part of the marriage.

I understand what you are saying, Believer..

But, it depends on whether she is continuing to work on marital recovery or not..

I thought about this kind of stuff when I went into PLAN B 'cause my father had died suddenly of a heart atack, thinking about what I would do if something happened to my husband...

She has a GREATER CHANCE of MARITAL RECOVERY if she does not visit him...

PLAN B is SERIOUS BUSINESS...

The WAYWARD SPOUSE has to SUFFER, reach the bottom of the barrel..

So my H was DEAD to ME anyways as I was DEAD to HIM at the time...

Chai, staying away, will definitely EVIDENCE to HIM that she is FINISHED with HIM until he ENDS his AFFAIR...

Hi All,

Thanks so much for all the responses. I see both sides, and I haven't decided what to do.

On the one hand, I feel like most BS's I guess. Like I should be there, that this isn't the way it was supposed to be, I'm not there when he needs me the most, everyone needs someone to care about them etc. On the other hand though, I didn't ask for this, he told me that he didn't want to be M and that he wanted nothing to do with me. This was his choice not mine. So I struggle with which direction is the right one. I keep asking myself how I will feel if he doesn't make it and I did nothing. I really don't even know exactly where he is.

And maybe you are right Wild, he may not want my sympathy. That may be the worst thing.

I'll be doing some soul searching tonight I guess. Thanks for your input.

SD, yes, I may need help with wording if I decide to do another letter. Jennifer had advised me to do one more which I never really felt comfortable doing. I just need to think about all of this tonight.

It's funny, but yesterday I had pretty much decided that I was done. In fact, I almost started a new thread - my D thread - or DONE thread. Now I'm not sure. Is this God's way of telling me that I'm not really done yet?

I BELIEVE it's CERTAINLY part of GOD'S PLAN...

Trust in HIM..follow HIS lead...

LISTEN to the SPIRIT...

I BELIEVE that EVERYTHING happens for a REASON...

I don't think we can specifically KNOW what the PLAN is..

We are to BELIEVE and have TRUST and FAITH in HIM..

The LORD doesn't like DIVORCE and certainly does not condone EVIL..

What can you DO?

I thought you had let your WH go and put him in GOD'S HANDS.

GOD is at WORK.

What can YOU do?

Mimi,

I know what you are saying. I don't know exactly what I can do at this point. Of course, when you are M, you take care of that person, be there for that person, support them, etc. He has chosen to be with someone else though, so maybe there is nothing that I can do.

D@mn, this is a tough one. Why did this have to happen in Plan B?

Sad and INCREDIBLE for anyone to say..but this is a PERFECT PLAN B scenario, not created by you...

HE will certainly MISS you, I think, and LONG for you...

That is NECESSARY..for him to RETURN...

ChaiLover -

My sons' dad was a very outgoing person, and had tons of friends. In fact, he neglected me and our sons to spend time with every Tom, [censored] and Harry that had an hour to kill.

When he had his heart attack and bypass surgery, NOT ONE PERSON showed up to visit him - no one out of hundreds of friends. The hospital was 80 miles away and I went everyday with a 3 year old and a 6 month old. And we were separated at the time because of his drinking, drugging and infidelity.

But I have NEVER regretted it. And it didn't make a bit of difference to him. When he recovered enough, he continued on his path. He didn't appreciate it at all.

But I feel good that I did the right thing, that I showed compassion to the father of my children.

I would GO, and if he tells you to get the hell out, then that is on him, and you will know that you took the high road.

A very SIMPLE but well-thought-out NOTE may be OK....some oneliner that escapes me...

It's different here, Believer...

Chai is in PLAN B...

I think PLAN B should be taken seriously..

When folks go into PLAN B, this is ALWAYS a POSSIBILITY..that the WS would get ill..