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So my wife says that she needs space. That she needs to find out who she is without me. I want her to be able to do this but I don't think it's going to work while she's having an affair. Do we need to get better before she can do this? Is it feasible to think that she can do this at all while we're together?
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So my wife says that she needs space. That she needs to find out who she is without me. I want her to be able to do this but I don't think it's going to work while she's having an affair. Do we need to get better before she can do this? Is it feasible to think that she can do this at all while we're together? It's all BS. She needs space so she can screw OM without you around to catch her. Do not give her space. She can have space again when she's earned it. My WW couldn't take a [censored] without me knowing about it until she finally got over OM, but we're still together and she regrets the whole thing now.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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"I need space" usually means "I want to continue my affair without you knowing about it."
The same solutions apply.
Plan A and Exposure.
When you refuse to go along with her she will rant, and rave and accuse you of things, but you need to ignore that, and run your plan. (try not to laugh when she does it - sometimes it's hard to hold it in when you know what to expect.)
If she wants space, make her move and do all the "heavy lifting." Don't do it for her by you moving out.
Do get legal advice and do protect yourself in case she makes false charges to get her way. It has happened before. You are better off having legal protection in place and not using it, than not having it if you do need it. See a lawyer and protect your self.
SS
I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
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Benc,
This request almost always means she just wants to continue the affair without your interference. You can bet it will be followed soon after by her either getting an apartment or asking you to move out.
Exposure to work is your best option here. Let her boss know as well as HR, and you have will have dropped an atom bomb on that affair.
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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Benc,
This request almost always means she just wants to continue the affair without your interference. You can bet it will be followed soon after by her either getting an apartment or asking you to move out.
Exposure to work is your best option here. Let her boss know as well as HR, and you have will have dropped an atom bomb on that affair. Should I at least wait till I am back in town to drop that bomb? And she is going to be furious if I get her fired. How do i deal with that?
Last edited by benc; 04/28/08 02:39 PM.
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Should I at least wait till I am back in town to drop that bomb? If that is just a matter of days, maybe. If its longer, you will give her too much time to prepare a story. About getting fired, if its a workplace affair, let her get fired. She is going to have to leave the job anyway.
Me 43 BH
MT 43 WW
Married 20 years, No Kids, 2 Difficult Cats
D-day July, 2005
4.5 False Recoveries
Me - recovered
The M - recovered
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I get back into town late on saturday. Is that too much time?
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.... she is going to be furious if I get her fired. How do i deal with that?
You can recover from her being furious. You can't recover from her continuing to see OM.
This is an often mentioned problem. Think about it though.
What would you say if someone robbed a bank then was angry when their boss was informed?
I think it's her actions that will get her fired - you are just the one that reports them. Don't accept the blame for problems that she is causing her self.
Let her suffer the consequences of her actions. That is the best way to learn life's hard lessons.
SS
Later edit
It would probably be better to be in town, visit a lawyer, and know what your rights are before you expose - especially if she is prone to anger, and if you don't know how she will react.
Last edited by still seeking; 04/28/08 02:50 PM.
I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
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And she is going to be furious if I get her fired. How do i deal with that? You just tell her you did it to end her affair because it was hurting you so much. Then you just lay low for a few weeks. She's going to want to scream and yell at you for a while. Just lock yourself in a room or get out of the house for a while. DO NOT ENGAGE IN AN ARGUMENT WITH HER! It will blow over in a couple of weeks. My WW was furious for about 5 days. Others have been mad for about 2-3 weeks. In the end, deep down they know that it is their fault, but they try and take it out on you for a little while.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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So my wife says that she needs space. Be a gentleman and clean out a corner in your garage for her. She can get her "space" out there or in the bathroom with the door shut. Actually, she is just trying to CON you. All this psychobabble about "finding herself" is just smack talk designed to get you out of the way so she can carry on her affair in peace. You shouldnt be willing to help her do that. And don't go along with her little con games. Just tell her you won't cooperate with any separation schemes and if she wants some "space" she can go out in the garage. Good grief. Where is Mr Rollyeyes????? :eek:
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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benc, a good time to expose is NOW before you get back to town. Let her blow off steam while you are gone! Yes, she will be mad, but you can handle it!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yeah, I'm doing that. Thankfully my brother has been through this (he's the one that directed me to this site). He told me that since I've already exposed to family and friends I need to strike while the iron is hot, so right now I'm on hold waiting to talk to the District Manager. AND DENIED. It's not a violation since they work in different departments
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Yeah, I'm doing that. Thankfully my brother has been through this (he's the one that directed me to this site). He told me that since I've already exposed to family and friends I need to strike while the iron is hot, so right now I'm on hold waiting to talk to the District Manager. AND DENIED. It's not a violation since they work in different departments Well, make sure the people at work still know about it. It wouldn't hurt (since it's a retail job) for you go to into her store and tell OM to stop screwing your WW in front of some other employees so the gossip spreads. Your WW will probably be too embarrassed to show her face anymore at work and the affair will lose it's steam.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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