To quickly summarize my situation... found out about WH affair in April DD#2, has been going on for 6 months with younger woman (sigh!). Confronted him, told him that he needs to move back in and work on the relationship or else. He moves back in for 3 days, not sure if it is what he wants to do... He calls it quits with me 2 days later. Yesterday he is back to pick up the rest of his things, leaves me a letter stating that he is so sorry for the pain that he has caused me, that he can't believe what he has done- the lies, the deception, the selfishness, that he sometimes cries alone in his car when he thinks of the hurt that he has caused me. He believes that he is not capable of being happy and loving someone completely. He states that I am his best friend, that he has learnt so much from me during our relationship. On his way out, he kisses me and says that he has always been attracted to me and that he would love to have sex with me right then. I let him know that given that he is with someone else that wouldn't be a wise idea. So anyway, wondering what to make of the letter... what to make of the request for sex... any thoughts, I am too close to the sitch to figure this one out.


summary- living together 15 years, no kids,we call each other spouses just never went thru the ceremony

me,

If you would be willing to post the letter, I would be willing to take a look at it and do some analysis.

Schoolbus

its fairly long, so thanks!!

"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, totally sorry for everything I put you through these last few months. There are times that I feel totally sick to my stomach for everything I've put you through. It makes me very sad- what I have done and most times I just start crying in disbelief. I've been doing that alot lately, mostly when I'm alone in my car and I start to think about things. I just can't believe what I've done and worse yet what I've become. You see I always thought that I was the strong one, the one to take care of you, to take care of everything, but I couldn't I failed miserably at it. The lies, the deception, the selfishness, it just f'in kills me. I remember when this first happened back in January when I left and I met Sam (friend) for the first time and I just sat there crying saying I can't believe how much I hurt you. I feel like I have broken everything and I feel I've disappointed you.

I don't know how I got to this point. I know I feel and incredible amount of sadness and loss>

I'm not sure- no sure whay I'm stuck in this thinking and why I can't concentrate and focus on the good. All the good in you and all the good we had. There are many times when you asked me if I was capable of being happy, capable of totally loving someone. Maybe I'm not, maybe I'm unsure how to handle these emotions- or just too afraid to let myself go and have it all out there- exposed.

How it ends... Not to use too many cliches, but only time will tell. I do know that you are my best friend and despite all this I feel tremendously close to you. I always will. You have made me a better person- sometimes I think that if I had never met or been with you I would be half the man I am today. All the good you have in you, you gave to me: the kindness, the compassion, your inquisitiveness, your openness, the dogs (the list can go on) all this has shaped me.

I do worry, I do worry about you. I want you to be happy and healthy. Maybe I shouldn't because you have been the strong one through all of this. Your loving man. P.S. You turn me on!!"


So there it is in all its glory>

is there anyone who can help me with this... i guess I am wondering whether i should just move on or should i read anything positive in this letter. I think that he is in MLC but not sure

Hang on..I'm sure help is on the way! BTW, if I'm not mistaken, Schoolbus has extensive training in writing analysis.

I'm just an onlooker here, but if you're willing to listen, I have an opinion. So, take it for what it's worth.
When I read the letter I get mixed emotions. It seems that H is confused by his own choices and is second guessing the mess he's created. But, he's also going home to another woman. Basically, if he keeps you on the line, he has the best of both worlds. It seems like a classic case of 'having your cake and eating it too'. I believe the person you should be asking is him. Ask him what his motivation was. Ask him what he thought he was going to accomplish by confusing you in this way. Ask him what the OW would think if she saw a letter like this written to you. It's not fair what he's doing as he's playing with your heart. Tell him it has to be one way or the other, but not both. He's totally not being fair to anyone involved. It was very selfish, imo, for him to give you that note.
As for the sex part...hey, why not try? Great!
good luck

The letter is laughable in its predictability. As fiori mentioned, your WH wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to have both his 'best friend' and the person he's 'in love with' in his life (and to have sex with them both). He's feeling guilty and he wants to assuage that guilt by saying all of this. Aww, poor WH.

Only you can determine if you should move on, especially since there are no kids involved. But is there still a chance with him? Most definitely. The fact that he's ping-ponging from her to you tells you that. Read Surviving an Affair and you'll see what happened with Jon and Sue. You probably meet certain ENs that the OW does not. He is currently torn between the two of you.

Since he's moved out, I would suggest initiating Plan B. Write a Plan B letter detailing that you will not see him nor speak to him until he agrees to end all contact with the other woman. The other board members can help you implement a strong Plan B.

Ok, here is my opinion. He is setting the ground work for a booty call. IMO his letter is all about HIM and how he feels etc. He wants to make sure he doesn't close the door on you just in case he wants to come back. I could be totally wrong here but I don't feel any true emotion in that letter. I hope the poster mentioned above comes and reads it.

Hey, you still turn him on!

Don't you feel special, being in that exclusive group of women who "turn him on"?

I mean there's you, there's the skank, and....oh yeah....every other woman on Earth with a vagina and a pulse.

"Sorry I cheated on you. I feel really bad. Can I get some oral?"

Wow.

This is exactly what I read through all the BullS**t. You put it more uummmm blunt and to the point than I did.

i appreciate everyone's candour.... after I discovered my WH's affair the first time, he said that he had cut it off with the OW and that he needed some time (I know, I know) to get over the guilt and decide what he wanted to do with his life. Then 4 months later I discover that the affair had been ongoing the whole time and that he had been spending at least 2 nights a week with the OW and at least 2 nights a week with me. We were having sex (probably the best we have ever had). One of his complaints during our relationship was that I never wanted to have sex (it was a founded complaint frankly). So I guess I am wondering whether this is just sheer manipulation to continue to have sex with me or whether there is anything else to it.... If I am his best friend and he wants to have sex with me, good god, what else does he want???? Is he not getting what he wants from the OW? Does it matter??? So confused.

It's very simple...HE WANTS IT ALL!!!

so I guess we are talkin' Plan B then.... can this really be all about sex??? It just seems so pathetic.

SLOW DOWN..........

Marriage Builders is about a plan of ACTIONS. You need to arm yourself with a lot of information, and do everything necessary before entering into planB.

Have you read "Surviving An Affair"?

Have you read about and implemented an effective PlanA?

YOU MUST HAVE A PLAN OF ACTION if you want to save your marriage!

Are you willing to schedule a phone counseling secession with The Harley's? They will give you the professional help you need to save your marriage if that's what you want.

Mixed,

I don't read the letter as others do. So here is what I see. The offer of sex, is NOT an offer. It is simply a way of trying to ease your pain so to speak about him chosing a younger woman. He is trying to let you down easy. As for the rest of it, it is just self-justification and a long way of saying
Personally I would not read anything into this letter but that it is a goodbye letter right now. Things may change, affairs end in most cases. But, right now he wants her.

It is your choice with regard to continuing to hang in there or not, but my suggestion is that you not have sex with him again, or until such time as your are convinced that the affair is over and NC has been established.

Finally, I want to strongly encourage you to go the Doc and have STD tests done. This woman is not of high caliber and you have no idea who she has also been with. Neither does your H when you think about it. He is in the fog right now.

Protect yourself, by protecting your health, your finances, and your heart. You may get another chance to rebuild this marriage, and if you lose all love for him, there will be little chance of success. If you decide to let it go, it is surely your choice.

God Bless,

JL

I have been doing a lot of reading about various ways to survive an affair- divorce busting, divorce remedy, surviving an affair, after the affair( what can I say I like to read), lurking on a few boards. I don't mean to sound cavalier about all of this.... I have been devestated by the affair. I didn;t realize how completely I love my WH until this all hit me like a ton of bricks.

In terms of Plan A- I have joined a gym, bought new clothes etc. (although my WH has always maintained that I was beautiful to him), been working on growing my 2 businesses, have ML with my WH every chance I could get, have been understanding of his turmoil (I think he is in MLC), have avoided LB as much as possible, gone out with friends more. I think I am in a good position with the WH- he was willing to move back home but got cold feet after a few days. I haven't been very good at drawing boundaries and feel like I have been too much at his beck and call. I have not exposed the affair- as my WH is the most private person that I have ever met and there is no way he will forgive me if i do. He has not even told his family (after 4 months of living apart) that we are not together. Very few people know. I would love to tell the OW that he has been sleeping with me for the past 4 months but I don't know anything about her and I don't want to become a stalker.

I have been in a modified Plan B for a week or so... just returning his texts if he sends them and otherwise NC.

I do want my relationship back, I have invested 15 years of my life into it and my WH. It just all seems surreal even after all this time.

Mixed

I'm in the same camp as JL. My WH sent me very similar letters for weeks after I went into Plan B. I don't know your WH, but in my situation, the letters were simply a very long and drawn out way for him to work through saying goodbye and to see if I would ultimately tell him that I was okay and that I still thought he was a good guy despite his affair so he'd feel less guilty.

When I didn't respond to him, he simply dropped out of sight with his OW.

Best of luck to you however you decide to handle your sitch going forward.

Smartie

Thanks everyone for their input.

So I guess in other words, its one of those, sorry you are in pain but this hasn't been easy for me either... You are a great person, please be happy and healthy so I dont feel guilty. Move on with your life. Jeez that is depressing!

I was sort of interpreting it as I am very confused right now and dont know which way to turn, to decide between OW and you. I am in a fog and want to be with the OW now as I want to start new and dont want to have to look at you and relive the guilt.

Do I make anything of the fact that he doesn't want to deal with our co-ownership of 2 properties, that he hasn't told his family yet after 4 months, that he texts me every day or so, that he still has alot of his things here at the house, that he gets his mail here or is that just classic conflict avoidance... I feel very naive. It was only 2 weeks ago that he was talking about moving back home....

Quote: If I am his best friend and he wants to have sex with me, good god, what else does he want???? Is he not getting what he wants from the OW?

God your WH sonds EXACTLY like mine. He said 2 weeks ago and i ablib quote "I am still physically attracted you you, i am still sexually attracted to you, we are freinds, if it were'nt for OW I would come back"

Sound familar??

nztami1, i guess they are reading from the same script... what do you take it to mean...