Hi,
This is MarineMom's (MM) husband. i'm sure you all already know the story. I dont really know where to start. well i'll start from when she told me that she had cheated, To me it honestly felt like some one dug inside my chest and just started trying to make scrambled eggs out of my heart. Never before have i felt such pain. but for some reason after about a day after she told me all i wanted to do is tell her that i still wanted to be with her and work it out. my next biggest pain was when i put one and one togerther and came up with the fact that my son might not be mine. to tell you the truth all i did was crawl in his bed with him hold him and just cry i never thought i could bear the thought that i might not be his biological father. after i got over myself i realized that what my wife did is not his fault and that he still the bundle of joy and ENERGY that i love in my life. since then pretty much i've just been taking it one hour at a time and making a commitment to working it out with her. The issues that i'm having and that i'm trying to cope with is that every now and again ( i have a very active imagination) i start picturing my wife and the other man putting his hands all over her and it just boils my blood to no end and i know that at that point in time i want no one around me because of how angry i feel inside. i try not to show it on the outside sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. i'm trying very hard not to let it get to me and am trying to replace those images whenever they pop up with happy images of me and my wife. I never thought until it happened to me that i would have enough love in my heart to actually try to work through something like this. i didn't realize it until the very moment when it happened to me. I love my wife very much, even through all of this and i want to keep on pushing through all of this and i just want to make sure i have all the tools necessary to do so. As for my son, nothing an i mean nothing will ever ever change the way i feel for him. and i pitty the fool whomever it may be that would even dare try to take that away. my only fear is that what if after i tell him, what if he decides he wants to go and find biological sperm donor and be with hime instead of me. That would absolutely crush me. That right now is my big worry that and what if the biological father decides one day that he wants him or something like that i'm afraid that i would not have any rights to my son. Well in a nut shell people that is what is in my noggin day in and day out. If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. I have tough skin and appreciate constructive criticism so tell it to me like it is.

Thanks
DRO

Unfortunately I don't have any advice for you but you might take some small comfort in providing me a way to deal with something I've been going through.

I too have had problems with picturing my wife with the OM, I don't get angry I get incredibly depressed. I'm going to steal your method and whenever I start to picture them together I will replace it with happy memories of us together.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm so glad you found us. Of course you are your son's real dad. I would check out your state law, but in most states, the husband is lawfully the father of any child of the marriage and an interloper has no rights.

Most of us know how it feels to be betrayed, but many don't have to face raising a child from the choice. I commend you for being a good man and wanting to save your marriage and keep your son in your life.

Welcome to MB Dro!

I'm sorry that you've found a need to join us here, but you've found a great place.

I know that you probably feel overwhelmed at times and your emotions are still very raw... those feelings are completely 'normal'. You need to find some ways to work through your pain and anger in a safe way so that you don't harm MM or your son. I get a sense from your post that you already know this and that's a great first step as you start on your journey to rebuild your M.

If you haven't already done so, I would strongly recommend that you and MM find a good pro-marriage MC. Rebuilding your M is hard work but it CAN be done. Read all of the articles here and find a good pro-marriage MC. Post your questions here and vent away when you feel like your head is going to explode... Remember, there's nothing wrong with being angry, but you need to deal with your anger and not take it out on MM or your son.

I don't spend as much time here as I used to, but you can always e-mail me if you have any specific questions... My e-mail address should be in my profile.

I wish you and MM the best as you start rebuilding...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Preciate the support. but i just want to make it very clear to everyone ( i'n not lashing out or anything) But i would never, never ever ever put my hands on my wife or my son. I believe that any man that does so does not deserve the title man or anything else. so i just want to lay down any suspicions that any one may have i would not do that. with that said i understand why some may think that. i think i made it seem that i have an anger problem wich was true at one point in time i used to get very angry and puch walls and such but as i grew up i figured out that i was hurting myself and that the wall didn't do anything. so i got a hobby and that is that i ride my motorcycle. i get on that and i clear my head very helpful. sorry if i went on a rant but i just wanted to make sure that everybody knew were i stood on mistreating my family.

And benc bro i'm glad i could help someone on my very first post i think thats cool. its worked pretty well for me, and it keeps me from getting angry whenever i think of it good luck bro.

Believer preciate the heads up on the laws i will definetaly check into that.

And RIF thanks for the welcome and the open arms i really appreciate that. you were right as far as me knowing that i can't/won't direct my anger towards my wife and son. thanks again bro and Semper Fi.

Thanks Again everybody,
DRO

Give yourself a break and realize that it will most likely take at least 2 years to recover from this. Don't try to hurry it, and be sure that you thoroughly discuss the whys of the affair with your wife, and her plan to keep something like this from happening again.

Hey Dro,

Sorry if you felt that I thought you were abusing your W... that was NOT my intention at all.

You made it very clear that you haven't and would never hurt MM or your son.

I just know from my own experiences how much my emotions raged from day to day. For me, it took a little over two (2) years, actually it took about 2.5 years for me to finally get to a point where I felt that we were "recovered". Rebuilding is a long hard process, but you guys can do it as long as you are both willing to put in the effort and are committed to each other and the M.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hi DRO. . .

Sorry you must be here. Welcome anyway

Do the site test just to be sure. And you are the Dad no matter if you contributed the DNA or not. And I think that applies by law as well. About the only need your son has for knowing about his bio donor is health issues down the road. THAT you need to collect and hold for the right time.

The sweetest revenge on the maggot is that YOU get to raise the boy to be a man. You have already bonded with him, so there you go.

It IS going to be a roller coaster of emotions. But you have the right track already.

Also save your money for a couple of sessions with Steve or Jennifer Harley - one session with either of them is worth a dozen or more with the average conselor. In point of fact, you don't need counseling, you need coaching. Think about it.

I was the BS, so I have lived in your shoes to an extent. You sound a lot like me when I first got started down the narrow path. I can relate.

Let it all hang out here. You are safe and with those who care.

Larry

DRO,

Somewhere on the Pregnant/Pregnancy board is part of my story - the part of being a daughter, and potentially the daughter of the affair partner instead of the father I grew up knowing as my father.

What I'm going to tell you is a double edged knife - but it depends on you whether or not that knife has any cutting power - you have more power over the situation than you could possibly know.

If you want the details of my situation, you're welcome to do a search.

The thing I want you to know is that as a child of this kind of situation, even though my father wasn't perfect, and left me vulnerable to needing a "father" in my life during those teen years, I still choose him - and have since I was a young adult.

The so-called bio dad is an imposter. Take it from this unconfirmed child of an affair. Raise your child with love and tenderness, treat his/her mother with kindness and true mature forgiveness and love, you will transform that child's future. And that child, even if curious about OM, will truly bless your name and his/her childhood with gratitude for you.

Both of you, please follow Harley's methods and counsel with his son, Steve or daughter Jennifer if you can. There is sweetness after the pain.

I know - because I counseled with Dr Harley years ago, and posting here has not only healed my relationship with my husband, but it has helped me recognize the challenges for my parents and appreciate the pain both went through as a result of the choices they made in their marriage.

I read this thread after seeing the unanswered posts. I just want to say you sound like an awesome young man and I am proud that you have come here to vent and get guidance.

I had a situation with my first wife that I married at 18. She had also gotten pregnant by another man outside of marriage. It was not the childs fault, and I was desparatly concerned as to the right thing to do. I also was consumed with many of the feelings you have described when she had left for the two months when she got pregnant.

Because I didn't have a place like this I tried to handle it all alone. I forgave and tryied to go on and the only recourse I had was to suck it up. But the feelings were so intense and I had nowhere to go where they were understood like they are here.

When the child was born, and my wife couldn't deny anymore he wasn't mine, she shunned him and couldn't deal with it either emotionally. Because he was of another ethnicity the doctors thought he was jaundice and were going to medicate him for it. I went to the doctors and told him to protect the boy, and recieved the same kind of "cold shoulder" treatment that many must recieve when they tell them they are HIV positive, regardless, of cause.

I literally had nobody who could help me through, my wife seemed to not care for the little guy, and even the words of truth from my pastor, "It takes more than making a baby to be a father",did not help.

Mixed with the pain of betrayal, the guilt that it somehow was my fault, the boy was given up for adoption. I thought it was the best choice for him and had no idea how to handle all of the emotions I felt. I have allways felt less than a man for giving him up, I still do.

My first marriage broke up within two years after giving him up. I blame my guilt and pride along with my failure to love and protect that little innocent boy that came into my life. I believe I gave up. No excuses.

What you are working for is the right thing and this place can help you. Its true you are his real father and more of a man for the love you have for your wife and him. The pain from the affair will fade in time but your love is true and real. Hold onto that and the faith that will bring you through.

May God bless you and I am glad a real man is serving our country.

Just as a curiosity did you ever do a test to make sure he is yours?

If not, then you shouldn't assume he is not yours, because he may very well be

You've been posting to marinemom's threads and so you should know they've already had two DNA tests confirming this.

Yes and I asked him BEFORE I found out.

This thread started on 4/28/08 where DRO identifies himself as marinemom's husband. the following are your replies to marinemom's threads:

I feel sorry for this child, he has been living thinking that your husband was his father, now he'll be gone and wont even understand or comprehend what happened to his "daddy?"

I do not blame your husband for wanting to leave, that would be the biggest shock anyone can endure.

So I do not feel sorry for you, considering this was your mistake, so I feel sorry for the child and the husband. Because if you look at it, HE is the one that lost a family.
This is your reply to marinemom�s thread on July 7th.

Originally Posted By: marinemom
No another DNA test wasn't done but that was due to H not wanting to waste the money and he didn't see the point and I can't force him to do something he don't want to.


I would get one done anyway, just to be for sure for sure you don't have to let husband know if you don't want to get his hopes up, ask your parents to help pay for it, they will understand.

This is another reply to marinemom on July 7th


So I guess that you were fully aware of whom you are posting to unless of course you don't really read the threads you reply to? of course, I really wonder why you continue to bother to post to marinemom's/fighting4family's threads given that you have taken her to task for not following your advice, and said that you wouldn'tost to her anymore. I mean anyone can see that your three months of recovery entitles you to take someone else to task for their shortcomings.

This is why its so difficult to counsel people and dangerous to make sweeping statements that take one side. All we can do is support Dr. H concepts and the individual going thru the confusion and pain. In the end the marriage success depends on them and thier willingness to work things out in a healthy way.

Preferably with Dr. Hs help. But its allways up to them, its their marriage.


The best we can do is be emotional support and help them sort out the truth. We hope that they will embrace that truth and recover, and the marriage is what this board is about yes, but the 2X4s representing the truth as others see it are part of the process of getting at the truth for them.

Its not a game of "look at what they did", its "what did I do?" and we hope it will be someday "what can we do?"

Then the recovery can begin.