I have been dating 9 months. Had girlfriend way better looking than my wife. Had dates with better looking women and some not. The last 2 times I was asked out in person once was in line getting cigarettes the other I was having a drink with a friend talking and was asked out. I have more options than I can follow up. Why do I miss my wife. SHe was treating be bad and was mean to me and me her. I got like 3 woman to date me that gave up on men and havent dated in years. One like 4 years. Why cant I put this energy or charm on the ex wife? These other women wouldnt open up to me and trust me if I was a bad guy so why not the wife. SHe says she wont date anyone and hasnt but the fact that I cant court her back makes me think she is. I dont even know why I want her back because we always argued but I do. It's out of my hands so I date.

Have you been to counselling at all? You need to separate your feelings for your XW and your feelings for your new social life. Also, these women are probably attracted to you because you project an aura of being unavailable (due to your feelings for your XW). For whatever reason, people want what they can't have. In fact, I think Plan B works on that principle - when the WS realizes that they can no longer have the BS, the BS becomes instantly more attractive.

A counselor may help. If you really miss someone who treated you badly, you may have a skewed idea of love. This can happen when we've had abuse or neglect in our childhood.

Or it could be that you are still viewing your ex-wife as a score. In other words, by losing her, you've lost points. Marriage, for better or worse, can be a way we judge how successful we are in live, and even how we're doing compared to others.

Also, I don't think it's a good sign that you're attracting women who have given up on men, if that's really what they'd done. Taking a break to get your life on track is GOOD. Giving up on the opposite sex speaks of unresolved issues.

I'd also ocnsider the quality of the women you're dating now. Sure, they may be better looking than your ex. BUT, looks aren't everything. Are these women picking you up just because you're good looking or look wealthy? Or do you suspect they are? Suspicions like that could make your ex look good by comparison. Even a bad marriage has more depth than a couple of dates with someone you met picking up cigs.

I go to counseling yes. I dont tell females I still want the wife. It looks like it will never happen so no reason to mention it because it's over.

It wasnt all bad it just got bad the last third of the relationship. At one point we were soul mates. It went bad. I miss the good times.

I guess your right about giving up on the opposite sex as unresolved issues. The last gf definatly had those and her excuse was maybe she wasnt meant to be in a relationship ever rather than fix the issues. I'm not wealthy. Semi good looking on a good day. Yes the quality is an issue. No keepers yet. And I will be picky if I get married again and I will also put them first.

Signed papers don't mean the relationship is over. I refused to marry a man that asked me 3 times (because he wouldn't get help for the issues he had to resolve. he's a sex addict and a control freak) but I was willing to work with him through it all if he was willing to get help for those two problems.

Neither of us have lost feelings for each other. He still comes to me whether things are going good or bad. It was killing me, because he got married last July. I finally had to tell him "no more contact w him w lucy and getting no help for his problems". lucy, woman he claims to have married in a "weak moment" - he demanded sex for 90 days straight and he would marry her' he got the sex and then found out that once they married the 90 days were up!
Just to save my own sanity I refuse to have any contact with him.

Things aren't always as they seem. He is still under his mother's control (one thing that makes him a control freak) until he can break free from that - he has no hope anywhere-but even the counselor couldn't help him see that until he's ready.

Just step back and consider what it is you are still attracted to in your ex and what it is you want in a relationship. I know from personal experience that when Dr. Harley's principles are followed -- THEY WORK and when they aren't things go to the gutter. Take your time and try to figure it all out before you do anything. You might still have a chance of you and you ex getting back together and making things work if you BOTH follow what Dr. Harley teaches. have you been to one of his seminars and tried to follow the program?

Oh, and by the way -- I seperated from him in March of 07-- He's still trying to come back -- even though he doesn't get sex from me anymore (and now finally no contact until he gets help)

That is an interesting story. For me it's too late. I found the DR. Harley principals too late after she decided it was over. Thanks though.

At least you'll give him a chance if he gets help. Good for you. I went to marriage counseling and that didnt change her mind. She went once and thought she would come out smelling like a rose but he pointed out her behaviors to her and she never went back.

Steve,

You posted a while back that you were dating and getting good at it. (that statement led me to believe that you were dating for all the wrong reasons).

Many spouses that have been abandon will date to prove they are worthy and many times just because they feel rejected and lonely. Someone that is still hurting from divorce makes a very, very poor relationship partner. They use the the relationship to temporarily mask their pain.

Why do I know this? I did it myself. I dated early and everytime I did I still thought about my X. So, I then waited 1 1/2 years to date and it got serious way too fast. So after 1 1/2 years, I STILL wasn't ready. It is coming up on the 3 year anniversary of our divorce and almost 4 years since she moved out and I still don't know if I want to date.

You need to deal with the emotional issues of your seperation/divorce before you can date.

Keith

PS. My X also treated me very badly throughout the marraige. I think I just got used to it.. I think at some point I lost my backbone and let her treat me like crap. I will never get in a relationship like that again.

SA-
I would also like to add that you cannot just replace one W with another. You need to be able to be happy, and COMPLETE with or without a W. You are not less of a man if you do not have a W.
You also need to get over your exw. She does not want you back at this time. You can use this time to fix you, and become happy with yourself.
Just remember, if you have someone, just to have them, it can even be worse than being single! Single is not bad.

It's been a year now. Divorce is final. And I feel like i dont mind being single anymore. Some weekends I stay in and watch tv and do hobbies or work on the house. Other weekends I date.

A lot of the women I dated tried to get me to settle down with them but no keepers. If I never find a keeper that's ok because single life has its advantages however I keep all options open. SO being that I dont mind my own company anymore maybe the rebounding is over. I dont know. I date a lot. MIss the ex and I dont know why because I'm happier and dont feel worthless now being single.

Finding someone attractive and that is the right one for me I'm not sure if its even possible. Only one woman I liked and tried a relationship with for 8 months. She was pretty and we had a lot in common but I ended it due to unstableness and behaviors that took me many years to realize about myuself she wasnt willing to see in herself at all.

At least I have sex now more often then when I was married. I do compare them to the ex in my head but I dont tell them that. THanks for the advice. Been through hell and back but here I am. The rebound dating and sex though did help me at the time.