That's awesome! I'm so proud of you. I was listening to an author about building wealth yesterday, and he said NO ONE will ever get rich without starting their own business, pretty much. See if they have a plan where you can buy into it a low buy-in, but pay them back for a longer period. Or see if there is someone who wants to become a partner. You could also check the Chamber of Commerce to see if they can help. Good luck!

Hi, Cat, thanks for the input. My H has looked into buying a franchise for a long time, too, and you're right, the more financing information and options you're looking at, the better chance to find a great fit.

I feel like I finally have my compass back. That this modified 180 is finally really helping me. H is still not today doing the things that I'd hoped for, like being affectionate or looking happy to see me, and I can observe that as if from a distance, instead of feeling like something is missing that keeps me from enjoying today. I believe that his actions are not a statement that I am a failure in any way. Today we enjoyed DD7's birthday with her. Didn't get sidetracked.

Not the destination that I'd planned, but the view is really good here, too

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling some strength in yourself. You need it. Hope it continues to get better.

Thanks, cat. It's been hard to find acceptance for this disconnect again, because things were going really well for a while, we were really connected again, and then to lose that after seeing that it WAS possible for us was painful. But I can't let that keep me from enjoying today anymore. Today I'm going to an Alanon day of workshops, the first one I've been to, and tomorrow we're having DD7's birthday party with her friends. A nice weekend.

Wanted to give a little update. Thanks, Jilly, for the recommendation Healing the Shame that Binds Us. It helped me get the perspective that I needed to get back to my step 4 work, the fearless and searching moral inventory, and I'm getting ready to move on to step 5, admitting my shortcomings.

I don't really have much to report on the M front. I am getting the consistency that I've wanted to have in choosing my attitude, and I think that has made a huge differnce for me in eliminating my LBs. But any that crop up, I can admit them, make amends, and move forward. I don't see them as in control of my life or my marriage. But I will ask H what he thinks, too

I'm not really doing the modified 180 anymore, but I'm not making all the thoughtful requests that I need to, either. I am glad that MrA shared his struggles this week, it helps me think through my choices and check my intent in not asking for what I need. It's still that fear of rejection. That's okay, I can have courage and ask, anyway. I'm going to go back to my Love Busters book and look at the exercises for Radical Honesty.

Does anyone have a link to any articles about resentment from Dr. Harley? I found a really big one that I have, one so bad that it makes my heart race to think about it. In SAA, it talks about recovering from infidelity through consistent actions, and sometimes the WS doesn't apologize. My resentment is not about an infidelity, but about a coerced event with H when we were first boyfriend and girlfriend, back in '94.

In counseling, I heard that we can't resolve issues in the past, only in the present. So I don't even know how to address this. I haven't brought this specific issue up in counseling, though, nor did I mention it to H after the initial incident. I would not handle that the same way today, where I would tolerate that in the present, but I don't know how to make peace with it in the past.

Hey eo! Glad to see you posting, though I don't have any advice for your questions. I was just thinking today I needed to look you up. Sounds like you're making some progress, anyway. Every day forward is a day forward. Good luck with your search!

Thanks, cat. I was nervous to ask that, because it was something that I've carried a lot of shame about. If I don't find anything, I'll check with the IC.

Those are the worst, hon. Just think what a huge load it will be off your mind once you finally discuss it. And it may not carry the ramifications that you think it will. Whatever it was, remember that the memory you've been carrying around was only YOUR interpretation of it, so if you feel you did something wrong, others may not. But you'll never know if you don't address it.

Ears,

forgiveness is a strange thing..

How can he know you are still struggling with this if you never tell him how much it hurt you? Yes, even if it was years ago..

And I'm not sure where the article is on this site, but I came across these..while searching for something else..


Up-Close Forgiveness

When It's Hard to Forgive

Archive

Cat, I hear you, that I may be too hard on myself. I have been afraid to share this struggle with the IC, because I don't want to influence his opinion. But it is a safe place there, and I think you are right, that it will help me get perspective.

In a nutshell, I had given notice at the place I was staying, but then the new apartment I was moving to would not be ready until a week later than promised. H offered to let me stay with him in his room at his mom's place for a week while I waited for the new apartment to be ready. I accepted the offer.

I didn't understand the expectations he had that came along with that. I wasn't yet ready to be intimate physically with him, and he got mad. I felt bad about making him angry, and I went along with it. It was really confusing for me, because that was the first time as a grown up that I was intimate with someone that I didn't feel "in love" with. I felt betrayed by H, for his failure to protect me, because I had confided in him about my childhood SA and thought that he understood that was why I wanted to go more slowly. I was angry with myself for going along with it, but told myself that it was somehow okay because I should have known that he would have expected that.

TR, I am not okay today to share my feelings about that time with my H. When similar things come up on TV, I say something like, I'm having trouble understanding why someone would want to be physically with someone who doesn't want to be with them. And he says, why are you asking me, what would I know about that, in a tone that I don't feel safe to open up. I will think on how to share my O&H with him.

Thanks for the articles on forgiveness. It really gels well with what I have been learning about forgiveness in Alanon, too. I don't know if I'm ready, but you are right, it will be a weight off of me when I can let it go.

Ears,

Hey... sorry I have been away awhile and I am just catching up on threads. I am a bit confused. When you are talking about the apartment situation and then staying with your H at his mom's house... did this happen a long time ago before you were married or is this happening right now?

My gut is this happened in the past but I wanted to get clarity on it before I respond any further.

Thanks,
Jilly

This was way back in '94 wehn H and I were first boyfriend and girlfriend. THis is coming up for me now because in going through my 4th step, this came up for me as an unresolved resentment. I feel alot closer than I did yesterday in forgiving myself for my part. I totally failed to protect myself, and participated before I was comfortable. If I had that to do over again, at the point that H got angry, I would have not have taken ownership of his anger and taken on responsibility to fix that.

I would have gotten myself to an emotionally safe environment. The lady I was renting a room from found another lady to take my place, but I could have asked another friend if I could stay with her for the week. Now, many years removed, I realize I could have explained to the landlord that I would not be able to wait until the apratment was ready before I move in, and I would have to take occupancy at the time the lease started, even if that made it harder for him to complete the renovation work he was trying to get done.

Does it help to realize that young adults haven't had enough real world experience to realize that such things are even options? I see it in D17 all the time; a situation where I instantly know what to do, but she just isn't aware you're allowed to do something or hasn't learned that things work a certain way.

Hi ears,

I haven't replied because I can't add to anything that has been said. I hear you about being afraid to bring it up to H - when you "hint" by commenting during tv shows, he may know what you are driving at, and gives you subtle signs to "not go there." I'm sad that you feel the need to tiptoe around that.

How are things otherwise with H? Is it feeling like a safer place? Sometimes it seems like when we start feeling safer, long-hidden issues surface because we're now in a safer place to deal with them. Do you think you're getting to a safe enough place that you can be O&H about this with H sometime in the future?

Jayne, I do plan to bring this up with H. I think that part of forgiving myself is sharing my O&H about this with him. If I haven't talked to him before my next IC appointment, then I'll talk with the IC about how to approach this. Also, I'm still working the steps, and there is one where you make amends
to those you have harmed, and as I understand it today, that would include forgiving past events.

Otherwise, things are okay with H. I am working on my O&H, and dialogical speaking, which is "I messages" instead of "you messages". This does create conflict, some days more than others. We are pretty happy on a day to day basis, but I can't let down my guard. Because of my reactivity combined with where H is with the SDs and DJs, I have to pretty much watch every conversation that we have, and that is making big love bank withdrawals for me and perhaps for him as well. After rereading some of Dr. Harley's articles this morning, I wish that I'd make a move to separate for a year in January when things were very confrontational.

My fear is that we're going to get to that point again here. I ordered that Ending the Food Fight book, and I hope that helps with this week's symptom of focus at my house. We also as a family went to a nutritionist, which I thought would help but H connected with her and DD12 didn't.

It would not an easy decision to make, because I think separation is a high-risk strategy. And there are good things every day that the kids and I would miss without H here.

Yes, I think separating is extremely high-risk. I would consider it a very last resort. (Unless, of course, you feel unsafe.) Is his drinking still a concern? Have you had to leave the house recently? (I did that Thursday night... long story, maybe I should bring it up on my thread... but I thought of you.)

I'm glad you're working on a plan to let your H know that this has been bothering you for this long. I don't know, do you think it's important to bring it up in a way designed to minimize his defensiveness? Of course his reaction is his own choice, but you know you can bring things up in a way that is not blaming - unless you are wanting to blame him? I don't think so, but I may be wrong.

I'm guessing you want to let H know this has been bothering you for some time, that keeping it hidden has allowed it to fester; that you feel anger toward him and also toward yourself, that it happened a long time ago and the past cannot be changed, but you need to discuss it in order to move past it. Is that close?

Jayne, I would consider Plan D to be a last resort, and I definitely don't believe that's the direction we're headed. Separation is the next step before that, one that would have big consequences to all of us, so definitely I am trying other options before that.

I am not feeling physically unsafe, but emotionally it is still not safe here. I haven't been leaving the house as often, because I am consisitent in declaring the boundary violations and asking him not to talk to me if he wants me to stay in the house. It is a little frustrating to me that when I ask him to leave me alone to settle down, at that point, when the withdrawals have been made, he will usually, but he has not stopped with the DJs. He does not see anything wrong with how he sspeaks to me, and laughs at me for how I am trying to speak.

The difference now is that he does apologize after I've been upset. But when I ask what will he do to make amends, he gets quiet. An apology and then going back to the same behavior, like saying I'm not normal, later in the day doesn't help me feel protected. An apology with a plan would make me feel safer.

I guess the next step would be to check H's mood before I go into the room, but I am still thinking through whether I can do that without becoming resentful.

I'm actually doing okay with his drinking itself. My biggest fears were where it was headed, like if H got severely physically ill, but those fears have not played out at this point, and I have faith that the kids and I will be okay if it gets worse later. It's not something that I can fix for him.

What I was thinking was to share my experience with him, and then tell him that while I feel safe in some ways, like physically, but in other ways, I still don't. Then I'd like to ask him for what I need, to feel protected and safe at home, and tell him that I want to go back to counseling, like he'd promised before, and try to identify an action plan to get back into counseling together, not just IC.

I asked H to go with me for a cup of coffee after dinner, and he asked about what. I told him that I want to go back to couple's counseling, because I don't feel respected and I need a plan to address it together. That he was looking into it at one point a few months ago, but that he had stopped looking. So if he wasn't enthusiastic about finding one, that I am. He said that he will go if I "make him," but that it is torture to him. He asked me would I please just try to be happy? That he knows that there are things about me that he doesn't like, but that he decides to be happy anyway.

I still have a problem with getting overwhelmed, and I was on the cell just getting to DD7 to pick her up, so I told him I'd talk to him later.

After dinner, he started drinking, so I didn't think it made any sense at that point to continue the discussion.

I disagree that I focus on being unhappy. I do decide to be happy, every day. But I am not willing to accept unacceptable behavior, and I am not going to keep sweeping it under the rug. The disrespect and intimidation is going to continue as long as I allow it to.

I feel totally unmotivated to work on this, like there is a feeling in my gut telling me to leave this alone and let things simmer down. I don't know if MC is going to help this time. But I know just letting it stagnate is not going to help, either.