|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 66
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 66 |
I need advice in what to say to expose A to OW's mother and father. OW's mother does not like my WH as it is, and the situation with the father might be interesting because OW lives in his house rent free with her daughter while the father lives with his gf is a different house. I am pretty sure WH is living with OW at this time.
How do I call them up and tell them? What if they are mean to me, or don't care? What do I say? How do I deal with the backlash of WH finding out? Please help!
My full story is in the link in my siggy.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
This is from JFO, the Newly BS thread. When you have your list ready, go to each person and sit down with him or her if you can. It’s good for them to see you troubled, but very calm and steady. It’s very important to be under control. Many wayward spouses will immediately try to gaslight their betrayed spouses and will swear to everyone around the betrayed one is demented to even think the wayward spouse would actually sneak around behind your back. Take a deep breath and launch into a description of what has intruded into your marriage. Don’t wait for the perfect time and place, or the magic words to use. They’ll never come. Don’t tell your spouse you’re going to do expose the obscene adultery to your prospective allies. Just do it.
Oh, by the way, your wayward spouse will be absolutely furious. He or she will shriek imprecations at you, swear he/she was going to work on the marriage but now...oh, boy...now they wouldn't have anything to do with you if you were the last person on the face of the planet, etc. It's all bluster, noise, and drama. They are pissed off because you’ve wrecked the perfect little fantasy world they’ve been indulging themselves with. Let them rant and rave. It means nothing because you know where it’s coming from. Spouses sometimes do leave at this point for a while. If they do, you do NOT support their separate lifestyle in any way. If they leave, the almost invariably come back very quickly because their fantasy isn't supportable without your help.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
No one else is chiming in so I'll add more.
You can tell them what has happened, how you learned of the A. You can show them how much learning of the A has hurt you.
You can add that you have done research on marriage building and that you love your H and you want to fight for your marriage.
You can also add that you have done research on affairs, and what you have learned is that they are fantasy-based and the likelihood that they will successfully stay together long-term is very low.
Don't worry about your H. He's a fogged-out alien right now, remember?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 66
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 66 |
Don't worry about your H. He's a fogged-out alien right now, remember? Yes, I remember oh so well. I will try to muster the courage to do this. I am so scared though. Who knows that kinds of people raise their daughter to screw around with a married man.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
My sister's friend is an OW. She actually comes from a nice family.
This friend completely justifies the A by saying that her lover's BW is a mean person who doesn't care about her H and has given up on the marriage.
That's why you are going to show them you are not a mean person and that you ARE fighting for your marriage so that they won't believe the lies that their daughter and your WH tell them.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 14
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 14 |
When I called and spoke to the OWs mom and dad they didn't care what I told them at all. They believed every word he and their daughter told them.
That was 8 months ago. Things change. I heard last month they had come to learn the whole truth and were pressuring their daughter to end the affair. Even though they didn't care when I first called them, I am still glad I did because it may have helped down the road.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554 |
How do I call them up and tell them? What if they are mean to me, or don't care? What do I say? I would suggest just telling them of the situation, and asking for their help. I suggest avoiding bringing up anything like "studies show...", etc. Stick to the basic stuff, and try to keep the conversation as succinct as possible. Let them do most of the talking if possible, and answer their questions as best you can. And excuse yourself from the conversation if they start trying to blame YOU for your WH's actions.
ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 790
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 790 |
I agree with MIM that you need to stick to the facts. Stay away from accusations and don't lose control of your emotions if possible. It's okay for them to see that you're upset, but don't do anything that may give them reason to believe any lies that OW and WH may be peddling about you being unstable, a nut case, etc. Losing control is justified for sure because you're hurt, but it won't get you even close to what you want to accomplish.
Be sure to specifically ask for their help. Decide how they can help and tell them. If you go there to just dump the news on them, they will rightfully question your motivation. If you go there with specific ways they can help and then ask them for their help you will look like what you are - a woman who loves her WH and wants to save her M.
Best of luck to you.
Me (BW) 48
WH 46
M 2000
No kids
D-Day #1 1/4/08
Confrontation 2/10/08
D-Day #2 3/22/08
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,531
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,531 |
Are you close to the OW's parents in any way? Is there any emotional investment in them that if they didn't believe you, you would be hurt by their response? I only ask this because the very, very worst that can happen is they don't believe you and call you names. That's it. So if they are strangers or acquaintances that you barely know, don't worry about it. Tell them the truth and stick to the facts.
If these are people you want to maintain a relationship with, be prepared for the worst. But recognized that the worst might come anyway (they could find out about the A through someone else). Don't mistake this for advising you not to expose. Just be prepared for blood to stick together.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 66
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 66 |
Thank you KLD.
I am so nervous.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 66
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 66 |
I have met the OW's mother once, and never met the OW father. I do not really know these people at all. I will probably do it over the phone.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
RB, MIM is right, just stick to the straight facts and most importantly: ask for their help! Tell them about the affair, give them just enough information to convince them, and then ask for their help in busting up the affair. Ask them to persuade their D to end her affair with your H. Make sure you tell them that your H moved out BECAUSE OF the affair.
Also, make sure they have your # in case they have any follow up questions.
That is all you need to talk about with them, don't try to educate them about the affair.
It sure would be nice if your mother could do this. Will she not do it for you?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
RB, when you call, DISGUISE your # with *67 and don't leave a message. You don't want to tip anyone off.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 66
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 66 |
I can ask her, but she probably will not be willing to get involved. My MIL may be willing to do it, would that work?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
YES!! That would be great! Would your MIL also offer to horse whip her son for acting so trashy?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160 |
RB, do not shrink from contacting MIL, FIL, brothers and sisters, pastor, boss, coworkers ... anyone who might be able to put pressure on your WH and his partner in adultery. It's difficult only through the moment you begin to tell your story. Just take that deep breath ... and launch.
A friend of mine did the voice over on a series of radio commercials for Nike a few years back. You remember them, I'm sure. The advice to urge people to become more physically active (and sell more Nike exercise gear) was simply, "Just do it!"
That simple refrain applies to your situation even better than it does an advertising campaign, RB. Just do this, okay? It's just too darned important to let your fears rule your life. Besides, the good folk here at MB always have your back, right?
Hang in there, lady. You can do this, and much more besides. We're with you.
LH
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 66
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 66 |
Ok, my MIL said she would be more than happy to do it (call OW father and mother). This should be interesting...I am dreading the reaction I am going to get from WH. He is going to be furious. 
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,160 |
Let him be furious. So what if he is? He can get over being angry, but a marriage can't get over an intruder like the OW. Anger, btw, can spill over into his little fantasy world he's built with OW ... and that's always a good thing. Stir the pot whenever possible.
Now, who else can you expose this adultery to? Is there anyone else in WH's life who might put pressure, however small an amount, on WH to end this obscenity?
LH
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 66
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 66 |
Now, who else can you expose this adultery to? Is there anyone else in WH's life who might put pressure, however small an amount, on WH to end this obscenity?
LH I have exposed to everyone I could think of: my parent's, his parent's, his boss, his closest pre-A friends, the pastor who did our pre-marital counseling, and OW's parents should know tonight. I am just not sure what I will physically say to him when he finds out and calls me furious. I was thinking of this: "I am going to do everything in my power to save our marriage. These are consequences of your decision to have an affair, and you must deal with the consequences of your decision."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 596
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 596 |
Redberries,
I wouldn't bother discussing consequences with him. He will probably just interpret that as you being vindictive. He will probably interpret it that way anyways, but you don't need to give him added reason.
I think you should say that your marriage cannot be saved while the OW is in the picture, so you will do everything you can to end their affair in order to give your marriage a chance. If he doesn't want other people to know, maybe thats because deep down he knows what he is doing is wrong.
Good luck!
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
236
guests, and
44
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,621
Posts2,323,489
Members71,946
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
