This was a quote from another thread and I did not want to TJ.

Can someone really define what it means for a FWS to be engaged in recovery?

I see pretty good examples of not being engaged, but have not seen anyone try to explain what being "engaged" really means.

Four Rules of Recovery

Click to read what "engaged" means according to Dr. Harley.

My DH as been committed to these RULES for over 4 years. Actually WE have been committed to following them.

We are very happily recovered.

It would mean doing things to recover the marriage with the goal of repairing the marriage.

I'm not playing devil's adovcate here, but those answers don't seem to encompass the full meaning.

I have seen several situations where the FWS is following those rules, or doing things to recover the M, with the goal of repairing the M, yet they have also been described as not engaged in recovery.

It seems to me that people are saying "engaged" in recovery is more than following the principals.

It also seems to be pretty situational. If the BS is not happy with recovery, then the FWS is not engaged, regardless of what actual actions they have taken.

Hi rprynne!

For us it means that we both are engaged in the marriage...We view it as something that we both value equally and protect...We talk and listen to each other, we do fun things together, we do not so fun things together...We consider the other in all things...We communicate with each other like a right leg might communicate with a left leg for the act of walking to be able to occur...We practice "extraordinary care" and when we slip, and we do, we apologize without defensiveness (that can be tricky sometimes ), take responsibility and ask what we can do to make it better...In short, we are a TEAM...a darn good one, we think!

Mrs. W

hi rpryne,

I think that was me you quoted?

Where have you seen someone who was engaged in recovery described as not?

For me engaged in recovery means

Verifiable NC
Transparency
Following Dr Harleys rules of protection, time, honesty and meeting EN's

rprynne - the "4 Rules," etc. are important "do's" and are very much needed for a succussful recovery effort. But I personally think the answer you might be looking for is more "attitudinal."

Here's what I think "engaged in recovery" means from the WS standpoint:

Repentant and Recommitted.

After that the "steps" in the process of recovery can be "engaged" with sincerity, and even enthusiasm as recovery progresses and both spouses begin to believe that recovery is possible and an attainable goal, regardless of how long the process itself actually takes.

Ditto that.

BK - It may have been you I quoted. Its not so much that I disagree with what you said, but rather it made me ponder what does "engaged" mean.

The example that came to mind was BP's sitch. I'm not an expert on his situation, but over the years what I have picked up is that Squid has ended contact, is sorry for what she did, and tries to meet his EN's. I believe BP said there was a period of time when he was happy and she was putting forth the effort. Yet BP doesn't seem to feel great about things.

Perhaps its a poor example. I don't know.

From my own personal sitch, I know I have struggled mightily with explaining what I think "engaged in recovery" means to my FWW. Clearly, I feel she is not engaged. But many times, I do not think she understands what that means and I seem to lack the vocabulary to explain it.

What I see is that, for the most part, my FWW is willing to "test" any process, procedure, rule for a period of time. She does not go in saying I will only do this for so long, but after some variable amount of time if the "test" fails, she quits doing it. My opinion is that the "test" fails because she is not "engaged." Her opinion would be that she tried and it didn't work.

Bob has actually said Squid won't make any effort to meet any of his EN's that are not "instinctive" to her. Those just happen to be the only ones that are important to him hence he is stuck.

RP,

I empathise completely with what you describe.

When my (F)WW fails to make any concerted effort whatsoever, or quits at the first minor roadbump, it hits me as evidence of her general lack of concern for truly accepting her responsibility for her actions and shows complete insensitivity to what damage and pain she has caused. Makes me wonder if she's still foggy.
Could be I'm hypersensitive due to what she's put me through, but as MrsW has put it she should show through her actions that she's "willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes" to prove she's really on board (engaged?) with recovery.

Thoughts?

...often strikes me as a cheap and easy cop out...