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I need help and advice. After a 6 month long affair with OM, OM ended the affair with my WW so he could work on his marriage. My WW was crushed so on the advice of my marriage counselor and at the request from my WW I stayed by her side to help her get through withdrawal. After a period of a couple of months she finally realized that OM was not who she thought he was and was finally able to get over him. It was at this point that she quit going to the MC since she was no longer feeling the pain of withdrawal. However, the MC believed that she needed to continue sessions to work through the issues that led to the affair to begin with. She decided she didn't need to go any longer, but didn't want to work on our marriage until we got rid of some of our debt so we could have a clean slate to work on.

Now I find out that she is TM'ing and calling several different men and the TM's are in the hundreds per day. When I confronted her about it all she can do is call me a stalker and tell me that we agreed not to work on our marriage until we got rid of our debt. Officially she calls it being separated, even though we live in the same house. This somehow justifies her continued behavior and she is absolutely convinced that I'm the crazy one and literally thinks I am stalking her.

Obviously this is a huge slap in the face and I have zero interest watching her date and flirt around with more men. After observing her behavior it is obvious to me that she is a complete addict right now in regards to getting attention, TM'ing, flirting and emailing. There are 3 or 4 different men she is communicating with right now that are all out of town and as of yet I don't believe it has led to anything physical. However there is no doubt in my mind that sooner or later it will.

Whenever I try and calmy communicate with her, she completely denies everything and then once I confront her with the evidence she blows up and calls me a stalker.

At this point I have no idea what to do....my choices are to simply watch and wait OR leave and never come back. I desperately want to save my family, but I don't think I can go through this again. Advice needed and appreciated.

ManInNeed, IMO your W has checked out of your M.

Her concern about dealing with the debt first is likely primarily to make sure that she can check out with as much as possible. And you are likely going to get scr*wed in the process. My suggestion would be to Plan B and lawyer up.

Why do you want to stay M'd to your W?

Because I love her and I love my daughter and don't want to give up. Seems like after all of this effort and pain that I have nothing to lose at this point to keep trying.

Just to be clear the debt I was referring to is actually my personal debt from a failed business that I had before we got married. We are in the process of finishing the basement and once we do were going to refi the house and pay everything off. Once this is done is when she says she wants to work on the marriage with a clean slate.

She is 36 years old and the new OM that she is TM'ing hundreds of times a day is 24 years old and in law school. I also just found out that he sent her an extremely vulgar video clip via his Blackberry.

This seems like she is suffering from a mental illness or a mid-life crisis of some kind. This is not at all like her behavior prior to the affair several months ago.

ManInNeed,

I'm sorry, but you're WW is still abusing you. She knows you don't approve of her talking to other men, but she does it anyway. She apparently checked out of your M some time ago, and has no intention of returning.

When one partner checks out, but refuses to leave, then its up to the other to protect themselves. She has ZERO respect for you, so you better look out for yourself twice as hard.

I concur with ManInMotion ... its time for you to lawyer up to protect yourself and your assets. You are describing a WW that, quite frankly, is NOT worth salvaging.

I don't think you're getting it. She's not doing this for the M's benefit - she's doing this for her benefit. Less responsibilities to worry about = easier to leave the M (in a wayward's mind, of course).

If she really wanted to "work on the M", she wouldn't be making things worse at this point by the lying and the contact with other men - she would be spending that time working on your M. IMO what she is REALLY doing is pursuing possible leads, because the thought of "working on the M" does not appeal to her.

MIM....you have just said what I have been thinking all along. She is trying to find someone else to take my place so she can leave on her own terms with someone else in place. I will talk to the MC and begin thinking hard about a strong Plan B.

Don't agree to not work on your marriage right now. Tell her that you aren't separated. Tell her she is not permitted to talk to and text other men all day. Also, make her continue to attend MC. If she does not live up to your conditions, make there be consequences like:

1) Turn off her cell phone.
2) Expose to her family and friends as well as your daughter (if she is older than 10)
3) File for legal separation and ask for primary custody of your child, the house, etc. YOU NEED TO GET HER ON THE HOOK FOR HALF THE DEBT! She is going to stick around with you until the debt is paid off and then leave you.

Don't be made a fool of by your selfish WW. You can't stalk your own wife. You aren't a stalker, she is a cheater.

Actually, I think she's trying to find someone else to take your place and force YOU to leave the house on her own terms, once all the debts are paid off, of course.

I would not pay off another cent of mutually shared debt until she commits to the marriage.

In fact, I think you deserve a new convertable. European, preferrably. One that gets crappy gas mileage. Be sure to put all the gas on a credit card, and all the cash you can in a shoe box.