Yesterday I asked my WW if she has had any contact with OM since I found out, she got what seemed real nervous and looked down and away towards the table and said no. I asked her if he did contact you would you tell me? she said she was not sure if she would, because of the pain that it has caused you thus far, and she would tell him not to call her any more. I said that I would rather her tell me right away and be truthful then me find out later. she continued to seem real nervous to talk about it and I asked her why she is so nervous she said she's not nervous. (I know better) she was really nervous.

I want to ask her again today and say that it's her chance to come clean so we can move on in repairing our marriage Do you think I should do this?

Also I wrote a letter to OM girlfriend telling of the EA and what was going on between OM and WW should I send it? or let it go?

Your WW is clearly lying. Send the letter. OM's GF deserves to know.

Thank You, my gut feeling is that it has not stopped, I told her that I was thinking of telling OM girlfriend of this so I could even the 2 on 1 odds. but in a way I don't want to have this person feel the same pain as me.

First of all, don't give her advance warning of exposure if you can help it. It just gives her time to counter-advance with a snowjob story.

Second of all, which is worse, finding out your BF is a cheater or marrying the pond scum and THEN finding out? She will feel pain when you tell her, but not nearly so much as if you don't.

Finally, it is not about odds. It's about destroying the environment that promotes the affair - removing the secrecy. Even if it doesn't outright end the A, it will reduce the "support network" of the affair couple. Once in the open, they will cling to any friends or relatives they can convince of their "true love" (or whatever crap they spew) and flaunt these relationships as proof that they are doing the "right thing". Conversly, those who are disgusted by the adultery will pressure them to end the A. But they won't be nearly as disgusted, if at all, if they get the snowjob version first.

At least your WW acts nervous and like she's hiding something. My WW can lie through her teeth, but still appear to me to be totally sincere (even after being married to her for 23 years). I have had to first commit to a statement (she'll always be evasive and wishy-washy), and then prove her a liar through phone records, etc.

She's obviously not telling you the truth. I'd suggest having her write a NC letter from her to OM, and give to you to approve and mail. If she refuses, well, there's your proof.

Your right Tabby1, I need to do what is right for me and my situation and expose this once and for all and really not worry about the OM girl she should and will know. I am done trying to dance around what needs to be done and try to save what is left of my marriage, If it rips what is left then that's the way it is.
All I can do is hope it ends well, but I'm sure it's going to be messy for abit

Thanks Galoot, that's also what I need to do is ask her to write a no contact letter. I am really thinking that I have been too passive with my dealing with this, I've been reading but not buying into the methods on this site but I'm having a change of heart.

O.K. I say to WW "You know I love you" she responds "yes I do, and you know I love you" I say "I do" she says "and only you" I say nothing for a moment, then say "then why would you be afraid to tell me if he contacts you, I mean if you are still talking, I'll understand but I just want it to stop". She says "I will and would tell you, but there is nothing to tell, when we would meet, it was for coffee, and I made sure that it was in a public place, because of what happened in the past, and he understood that there was not going to be a repeat of the past, I have too much to lose right here, a man who loves me more than his own self, a family, a beautiful house, it's too much to lose over stupity".

I feel much better about my gut feeling of it still going on, but I am not sure if I should disclose to his girlfriend because it seems that it was just friends meeting to talk and nothing more, it was the past that made it a very bad situation and given the fact from what I was told he is in A.A. and was doing one of the steps to make amends to the people who he harmed with his addiction. not saying I feel pity for him because I said when I was told of his amends crusade,"he's going to fail, because he harmed me, and he will never make amends with me".
I am again thinking that I don't think it would be wise to swat at the hornets nest, because I may get stung given that it is what seems to be just friends talking and nothing more. I am sort of confused, and not sure what to do now.

OMG

HE CAN'T BE HER FRIEND

She can't have coffee with him EVER AGAIN.

NO CONTACT means No Contact. Nada, none zilch.

Public place? Please tell me you aren't being fooled by this?

Good Grief

You go, BigK. I was reading this and shaking my head. He needs to whop the hornets nest with a big stick.

Your "gut feeling" is smart - you should trust it because it IS still going on.

Good Grief.

Expose, demand NC, can not be friends, ever.

I and WW knows she can't have contact with him EVER or be his friend, and there are no plans that I know of to do such. What I am trying to say is that it was wrong because that they had a PA back in the early 90's so just with them meeting to talk was wrong as well as keeping it a secret. I too wanted to smack myself when I was refering to it as "just friends" ect.

I do think that he was trying to sweep her off her feet, WW told me that he said to her, "I never thought the guy was going to marry you, when you left me I thought that you two would have your fun then drift apart, and you would come back to me"...

I think that she came to her senses because she told him in the email that I found "this is where I belong with my family".

At the time that I found out about the A with that email quoted above I was fighting 2 credit card law suits that had a total of over $30,000 due to a failed business attempt from "04", had a raw deal of a job, that was not paying me what I was promised when I was promised and was on the brink of bankruptcy. I really think that if she was going to leave me there was all the motive in that time frame. but she told him "this is where I belong with my family".

LostWizard, what is she doing to place better boundaries in place? If she can come that close to resuming her affair when there is stress in the marriage, then you are not safe. She needs to make some major changes to prevent that from happening again.

Do you have the Harley books, specifically His Needs, Her Needs?

I think you need to give her a long drawn out explanation of why telling you about any contact is so important. Most WSs don't get it.

She needs to FULLY comprehend that not telling you when OM calls or attempts contact is lying by omission. These are secrets that WILL come to light as time goes on, causing you more pain and distrust. The further down the road these secrets are uncovered the worse the damage that is caused to your R.

You need to act as a team against the OM and the A.

You also need to stress to her that you don't blame her for HIS attempts at contact. It is par for the course, but you two need to take every step necessary to avoid these contacts (change cell #s, block emails, etc). And an NC letter is definitely in order, as well as exposure to his GF.

Yes, I wanted to say that in time I will find out but I did not say it, Thank you for a better way of saying it.

That's a new way of looking at it rather than seeming that I am trying to punish her.



I did at one time say that I don't blame him, she is a good woman (when she is being good) and I also said that being she is always trying to be the caring one and helping others out, sometimes it comes and bite you in the butt, and this is one of those times.

changing cell #'s is a good idea, but blocking email is a waste because a new email account can be created.

I have the exposure letter written just needs mailed, I just hope he don't get it first.

I intend to ask her to write the NC today.

I will get that book, I think it will help us both and not be taken as another attack on her, resulting on me losing love units.

She needs to write a NC letter that you send. The fact that they are meeting at all means that the A is NOT over. It may not be physical again, but she was willing to meet him secretly (even if publicly), knowing the damage it could cause to her M. That is a continuation of the A in and of itself.

I think you should tell his GF as well, she needs to be aware of the threat your W poses to her relationship.

I had mentioned this site to her once last week, and explained the steps that was involved to deal with this, and I said "I thought exposure would throw gasoline on the fire and OM would have more intent to cause harm". I am afraid that it will cause more stress in our marriage. Also I am not 100% sure it is still going on. but I do agree that his GF should know the threat that my WW posed.