My FWH and I have been in recovery for just over a year and there are many things that I just can't let go of.

One thing that really bothers me is that my H does not admit that his relationship with the OW was an affair because it happened while we were separated. But I know he began his relationship with her 11-8-2006 and we did not separate until the end of 11-2006. I know the 11-8-06 date because he wrote their monthly anniversaries down in his calendar. He says he did not leave me for her, that he left because our marriage sucked.

We have been in recovery for over a year, so why should this even matter anymore? Afterall, I know the dates that it happened, so why does it bother me so much that he puts a different label on it?

Also, I stop myself from talking to my H about the A because I know it makes him feel bad to talk about it and he says he doesn't ever want to even think about her. He just wants to focus on how great our marriage is today.

Were you still married?

Then yes, it was an affair.

I can't tell my wife I want a divorce, go screw another woman for a week, then come back after that week and tell her that I don't want a divorce afterall, and claim that it is not adultery, an affair, or cheating.

Adultery - voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband.

Affair - a romantic or passionate attachment typically of limited duration

Cheat - to be sexually unfaithful

If you were still married, these all still apply.

Maybe I shouldn't have asked if it was an affair. I know it was, but my H does not want to acknowledge that it was. My problem now is how do I let this go. He knows it was wrong and has caused me terrible pain and he is remorseful, so why does it bother me so much that he doesn't use the A word?

Can you bring him here? He doesn't sound like he's working on the M at all. He is still lying. My WSTBXH and his OW still swear up and down that their A didn't begin until Feb 07, though OWH and I both have indesputible evidence from all the way back to Aug 06. Despite this and the fact that they now live together openly and are in the later stages of getting their respective D's, they still stick to this lie. Are you sure your WH isn't still having an A?

Tabby, Sorry if I made it sound like my H is not working on the M at all. He and I have both put in a great deal of work over the past year and I do not think there has been any contact with OW.

My H goes into work late so that he can cook breakfast for me and he comes home early daily. We spend almost all our time together and he says he is very happy with our marriage now.

He is not really good at hiding things and was very verbal about being unhappy with our marriage long before the A and then he turned into a complete a$$ the minute the A began, so I am pretty confident that he would tell me if he wasn't happy and even if he didn't his behavior would give him away.

What I am struggling with is letting go of things, like him not using the word affair. Why should it be such a big deal?

He should be able to say he had an affair. He was married and had sex with another woman. Marriage is a life-long commitment. You can't just screw another woman and say, "well, it's not an affair because I'm separated from my wife right now." BS, that's not how marriage works. There are no "timeouts" in marriage. I'd squeeze his balls in a vice until he apologizes to you for having and affair and committing adultery - in those words.

That's what you need to move on and you should get it.

I think you are right. I need to hear him say those words.

Doesn't think he had an A, eh? Oh, send him here. We promise to be gentle with the 2x4's.

(now where did I put that special piece of purpleheart...)

CantLetItGo,
He needs to say the words because he needs to own up to it. By refusing to admit that he had an A, he is trying to avoid the consequences of his actions. If its not affair now, it won't be an affair the next time he does it when you are separated. Right?