First post and in need of help.....very upset over issues with my H concerning his SF needs. I perceive him as being selfish when he states he needs sex at least once if not twice a day and BJ's at least once a week! We have been together for 7 years and married for 5 years. We are happy in every other aspect of our marriage except for these needs and my feelings that my EN are being overlooked and superceded by his SF needs. We are going around and around on this issue to the point of him contemplating divorce, because I have stated I would like my own time to "desire" him. If he does not have sex every day or at least every other day, he gets upset....sex is always on the list of things to do, so I never have any time to "want or desire" my husband, whom I am very attracted to! I hope I am not being too candid on this issue, but I feel I must mention that I have had issues with BJ's in the past, it is something I need to work on, as my H is well endowed, and it is difficult for me to perform without gagging. I only mention this as it has been a serious issue for him, and something that he feels he cannot live without. I want to stay married, however I feel lost in his needs, without mine being entirely met. He tries, but I perceive that as his precursor to getting what he needs, which is sex. We are almost at a stalemate on these issues, and I am lost as to how to proceed to compromise, since he does not feel he should have to compromise who he is and neither should I. I have tried to explain marriage is about compromise on both our parts, but I am getting this gentle resistence on his part. I have read about half of HNHN and am considering Love Busters. We have been to counseling now 3 times, and my H feels we have "already tried" this and it has not worked and we have already tried to solve this sex/BJ issue and it has not worked. This situation took a while to create, and I have explained to him the undoing it will take some time also - to which he sees he has put in his time and it has not worked! The time spent on this has barely begun, and I feel he is giving up too early. Can anyone give me any advise?

I think if you took a poll, once a day - especially after 7 years! - is way more than the national average. Of course, there are people out there who do keep that amount, but the difference is that both partners WANT to. You do not. Therefore, your marriage is at risk. I provide H SF about 3 times a week, after 30 years, and from what I hear, he's got it good!

You will have to learn how to set a good boundary. It isn't about who is right and who is wrong. It is about two people with different drives being married and having to find a good compromise.

That means that H should not expect to get it once or twice a day if you don't want to. That's just his luck (although it sounds like he's about the luckiest guy on the planet as is).

You have just as much right to what works for you. Just because he has a stronger drive, and you haven't said no in the past, doesn't mean that is the correct answer. The correct answer is a compromise that you both will settle for. Don't let your fear of his anger or attitude make you cave in and keep giving him what he wants, because, like you said, you'll start resenting him. Better to fix it now, than to lose you forever when you can't stand it any more.

If you need help, let us know.

When I was in a relationship like that, Dr. Harley called it controlling and abusive. So it sounds to me like your H might have some problems in trying to control you using abuse to do it. You might take time to consult w him. Especially since you are already married. Can't give direct advice other than that. I just know that a man demanding someithin like that can actually make it repulsive to you. And that will get him in the exact opposite direction that he is wanting things to go. I know it isn't cheap, but Dr. Harley has given me the best guidance on how to work in a situation like this.
If you can, ask him!!!!!

I am new here, and this is how it goes in my house, too. H wants it daily - which I would be more inclined to give to him, if he was paying any attentional at all to MY needs and wants. If he is being a jerk and he knows it, he will still ask for it. We just had a baby a month ago and he will wake me up when I am alseep (which I REALLY need right now) to have sex. If I am too tired and don't give in, he pouts. He is 33 years old and this is how he acts. Its infuriating!

Can I borrow your husbands? LOL... just kidding.

I'm the one that wants sex every day. DH could care less. Just doesn't make sense to me. No SF for months!