I'm desperate, my husband has walked out upset and angry and said i might see him tomorrow...but might not. we are in counselling and love each other. But he feels inequal, that I control him. He immigrated here to be with me and still earns a lot less money. I know this is a temporary state for him that ends this year in June, but it has gone on 3 years. he feels i try to control everything. I do take issue with some of his spending, because its independent behaviour which I see no benefit from. i have trouble spending that kind of money on things for myself so I'm definitely disturbed by it. I think there are other factors too..the agreed contribution was I pay the mortgage, he renovates the house, we split it down the middle. the house isn't finished yet,but he has already asked for and recieved half the house in the form of a deed registered in both our names, and an amount to spend on himself every month. the other day he complained that he couldn't leave me because of the house, where would that leave him financially? he feels i am controlling him, but I am not. all i feel is unnappreciated for being a good earner. i know its the way i talk to him somehow, i'm controlling him with my words and attitude somehow. he can't explain it to me, what I'm doing. he just gets upset and angry and I can't hear what he;s saying when he's so angry with me.

I have completely alienated him and don't know how to fix this. he handed me a note before he left saying he loved who i was and what i have achieved but hated how i spoke to him and how i compounded how he felt. if anyone has any insight that might help me i'd really appreciate it. yours, sad at home alone
Eloise

So he moved here to be with you and you two made a deal that doesn't seem to be working out...

Do you have a relationship other than a business one? I just see a business deal in your post instead of a marriage relationship. You supply this and he is supposed to do that and...What happened to "We are in this together, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health???"

You say he earns less than you do. Are you OK with this or do you try to control his spending beyond simply saying what the funds should be spent on in the way of needs for the two of you? I mean, do you "give him an allowance" and then tell him how to spend it or do you both decide how money should be spent as a couple beyond some set limit so that neither of you can spend your way into bankruptcy?

An old line from a stupid movie was "Love means never having to say you're sorry..." Never bought into that, but I can tell you that love does mean having to say "you're forgiven" a lot.

Can you two afford some kind of counseling together? The best would be from the coaching center at MB, but local counseling with a good pro-marriage counselor might benefit you both and I think it would definitely benefit your marriage.

How old are you two and how long have you been married? Any kids? Are you from vastly different cultures? You said his current condition ends in June...Is he getting a degree and is going to school right now? What is going to change?

Mark

Hi mark, thank you for your response. i am 33, he is 32, no kids. in June he gets his tradesman license after a 3 year apprenticeship. we are already in counselling...but things are not getting better.. We made the busienss arrangement with the house precisely so he would not feel inequal. We knew it would be tough for him to move here, that he would have to start from the bottom again and take a big pay cut. It was unfair that he would suffer financially from moving here. We came up with an arragement that seemed fair and equal based on my ability to earn money and his ability to fix the house up. there is much more to us than the arrangement with the house. We were completely soppy when we first married, we were in love, we had a big wedding planning to spend our life together. I'm hoping this forum can help me understand what I am doing wrong in our relationship. Why does he feels controlled, what am i doing to create that impression?

He asked for the "allowance" so he would not have to ask my "permission" to spend it. Unfortunately, the other day he wanted to spend more than the allotted amount so he asked my permission. I would not tell him how to spend this money. but if he asks me and tells me he's going over his allowance, what should I say? I usually give an honest opinion. And my honest opinio is tht i definittely feel he has expensive tastes more suited to my income than his own and this grates on me. it feels to me like no "allowance" will ever be enough. He has to have the best quality hiking boots for work (sourced specially from England), designer safari pants for work, designer thermals for work, $25 per pound cheeses etc, $600 this year alone on toy helicopters, hundreds of dollars last year on toys to make his car go faster. i spend 3 times what I used to spend in the supermarket before I got married because he likes stilton, swordfish, cashews etc. he spends thousands out of his own pocket on audio equipment. I don't put aside thousands to spend on my wardrobe or jewelry etc, I spend it on the house instead. I resent that my earning ability is not appreciated the way I apprecaite what he achieves on the house. instead I'm criticised for being "controlling". He's simply way more extravagant in his tastes than I am. I resent that he feels the right to spend so much money just on himself. how can the spending be fair for us both without all this resentment? I don't want to stop him doing the things he loves or control him, nor feel i am being used as a bank account.

Welcome, Eloise...welcome, welcome...

I don't want to run over Mark (because he's one of the very best posters on MB)...

I do want to jump in with two things...

One, your DH (dear husband...though he may not feel dear to you at the moment)

may believe you are controlling...

does not mean you are controlling.

When you want to change the dance between you and you're partner, stop following the same steps.

"You make me feel controlled, less than you."

Normal step for you may feel reactive, "I'm not controlling!"...goes into the refute tango.

Instead, listen and repeat...so you can really hear what he may be saying,

"I hear you feel controlled right now. You feel more like a child than a partner. You feel frustrated and put down, is that correct?"

First way we learn to love is by being parented...easy to then be parents in our marriage than partners...and feel like it's love and we are acting from love.

Inject respect...hear his experience as his own. It truly is his...you can choose to believe a basic truth of humankind...everyone on this planet is equal. KNOW he's equal to you.

You both have devised, with obvious care, a plan and are living that plan, to evidence tangible equality...to give each other an equal experience. Don't forget you already are equal. You're partners.

Go a little further in your finances...because I read your posts as saying, "His labor on the house counts as invisible income, which adds to his apprenticeship, and will end when he becomes a full journeyman in pay."

Okay...so he then "earns" half and you earn half...pooled money first goes to paying bills to your budget...meaning, money paid out jointly includes to a marital savings account...and you split the money left over in half...hence, his "allowance" and yours...and you keep yours separate. To buy marital gifts...sounds to me like his #1 EN is admiration...which can be the love language of gifts...gift of presence, attention...gifts symbolized in toys.

Second...he can feel dominated or less than...make sure you are not mothering. Read Harley's articles here...on the Policies of Joint Agreement and Radical; Rule of Protection, Time and Care.

The better you partner, the better a partner you'll be. You don't control his experience...respect it as his...that you're not the cause, control or cure...nor is he for you.

He chose to move, chose to apprentice in a new country...chose to be with you...all his choices.

He may well feel let down, strangled, controlled, limited by his own choices...your choice remains to acknowledge your OWN choices, how you feel, what you dream, your goals...and together, set your marital goals (don't overlap them...because that's where parenting comes in...where "it's what is best for you").

Have you done the Emotional Needs (ENs) questionnaire? The Love Busters (LBs) one? How about the Recreational Inventory?

Have fun and play together...builds the experience of equality, affinity, comraderie and being a team. Partnering.

Thank you for being here and choosing to post.

LA

thank you LA for your reassurance and suggestions. my DH came home last night and started talking again. i'm trying hard to hear him even if i feel accused. i'm trying hard not to keep repeating the same destructive steps too. He agreed to try the policy of joint agreement but told me he does not have any confidence that I can follow it. we have done the EN questionaire in the last few weeks but not LB yet. i think i really need to understand his LB's and i don't yet. I know his primary EN is recreational companionship and mine is admiration. that was a very helpful excercise for us to do, it really clarified where the issues lay. I did the LB for me this morning and it reinforced what I already understood, my issues are relatively minor. i know i can be happily married to this man. i'm not sure he is in the same place though, he is very withdrawn. i feel like i need to somehow win back his love and respect and i don;t know how. i'm tempted to suggest we start all over again and woo each other. not sure if that would work though...i'll keep trying. thanks
Eloise

Thank you for replying, Eloise.

Two things...your perception is that he's very withdrawn and last night he came home and began talking to you. Sounds like he does communicate.

Did you do the listen and repeat while he shared with you? Was that the new step in your dance? How did you feel about yourself, if you did this?

He's capable of falling in love and respecting you. When you read up on Love Busters, pay close attention to the "Disrespectful Judgments (DJs)" section. I say this because a big portion of my life experience came from assumptions...which came from my fears. Similar to yours, you fear him not feeling in love with you; which assumes he is not.

Try adding "right now" to your thoughts...see if your own feelings change with this addition of reality. Right now, he says/feels/thinks. Do you believe we fall in love with our spouses again and again, over time, as we meet each other's ENs and eliminate LBs?

As we practice the rules of time, care, protection and joint agreements?

What you believe matters...your choice of what you believe gives you emotions.

Can you plan on 15 hours of RC time together? Within RC, I found it met my EN for admiration (which includes appreciation and attention). One of my DH's top ENs is RC. It's how we learned to play together again...to be friends, teammates; after a long time of feeling as we were enemies.

Did you see the Recreational Inventory online here? It's RC time in itself, I found, going through it with your DH. Fun stuff I had never considered...and I believe one of the core needs of humans is to experience newness...and in marriage, discovering it together is key.

Could you guys pick out three new RC activities to try? Doesn't mean you have to commit to doing them all-out...experiencing them together is bonding, can be joyful, even if it turns out neither of you really enjoyed the activity.

Because you do it together. That's part of marriage...each day, you both do marriage together...half and half.

Btw, my DH has overcome a life-long addiction to spending. I hear you. Being married to a shopaholic was really difficult for me...and what I shared with you about separating finances...it really solved our relationship problem...though my DH was conquering his shopping addiction at the same time, too.

(Btw, recently DH discovered something within his addictions...like shopping. Didn't just distract him from feeling anxiety; also met in false ways his EN for admiration, appreciation (like self-reward) and acceptance...like releasing adrenaline in ourselves in tiny doses. Could be your DH needs to hear your honest appreciation, even of tiny stuff...or acceptance, admiration...your thoughts ARE these things...and though you may be sharing them with him, he also may be cutting part of them out...hearing criticism instead.)

I stayed away from quantifying my stuff and his stuff (like your LB problems being minor). For each LB action, we take away 20 EN deposits we may have made.

Also, we can block our partner's deposits with resentment, expectations, entitlement and lack of respect. We may not experience their acts of love for what they are. Very cool to explore how you feel loved (the ways) with your DH...and hear the ways he feels loved.

Congrats on doing the EN questionnaire together, too.

Something new, together.

If you want to woo your DH...woo him. When you were first in love with him, you felt a high level of acceptance, desire, appreciation, admiration and connectedness. When you act that way towards him, you will again. When we act accepting, we feel more accepted; same for desire and the rest.

Thank you for sharing you know you can be happily married to your H. Good to know. When you hear his doubts about you following POJA, listen and repeat. They are his doubts. For you, holding yourself to not agreeing to anything you may resent...to seek what a solution you would be enthused about...that's in your power. Your control.

It's how we respect our marriages, even when we don't feel like respecting our partners right now.

LA