My husband and I have been married nearly 20 years now. He's a minister and a few years ago I realized that he was emotionally abusing me. Actually, a family member who is a counselor in the field of abuse in the family helped me to see it. He wanted me to move away from my husband which I didn't. We seemed to work things out for a while. I had considered separating from him. It seems to go in waves. Last year, he wasn't doing too well and we had counseling with this family member of ours. Things seems to get better and I forgot about it, like usual.

I don't really keep a record of it but something happened recently and we really decided to work on things. As of last week, I thought he'd turned into my dream man and I was so happy. We had a lot of traveling to do last week and are very tired.

1. Yesterday, his tone started getting sour with me. Asking me questions with a tone that puts me down. We had gone grocery shopping and I had put somethings in the back of my car to take out of town. Why did I have to put that there when we were going grocery shopping? It's not so much the question as the horrible tone and him hounding me for an answer. When he questions me in that disrespectful tone, I don't care to speak to him. I resolved it by saying I wouldn't discuss it and we chose to move on.

Later in the afternoon I mentioned I didn't have the phone number for the dentist and didn't make an appointment that I need. He took out his cell phone and scheduled an appointment for me this afternoon. Fine.

This afternoon, I was running 25 minutes behind. I'm still tired and weary from traveling last week and pushed myself as quickly as I could. He was going to ride along with me as he had some other things to do. It's an hour commute. He doesn't ask me if I wanted to drive but sits in the passengers seat. After I expressed that I want him to drive he frustratedly got into the driver seat. He figured I'd drive like hadies to get there on time he says. About 5 minutes go by and he's hounding me about running late. He'll never schedule an appointment for me again. I spoke up that I hadn't asked him to schedule the appointment. He argues that I did. Then, he continues badgering me about running so late. I asked for the number of the dentist and called to inform her that I'm running behind, no problem. He continues to badger me and I begin to cry. It escalated to the point of me asking him to stay away from me. He turns around and goes back home saying that I don't want to be with him, don't want to talk to him and he's now taking me home. Fine. I call the dentist and reschedule for next week. My husband takes his car out of town, where he works and we have an apartment and spends the night.

I called a few times today about other things that I need. Our final conversation I ask how he's feeling. He's offended and demands that I appologize for abusing him.

I told him in the car that I felt his badgering behavior was borderline abusive and he twists it on me and says I'm abusing him.

HELP~!!! Is this or is this not emotional abuse? What's wrong with him? He's had sex, breakfast, a clean house, clean clothes. Why does he do this? I can't ask because he'll say it's me!

I don't know how big of a reader he is, but Dr. Harley's Love Busters is a good book to read. If not refer him to the Bible on how husbands are to treat their wives and if he is a minister ther he is disrespecting God's Word. Not on the submission part where you are supposed to submit to your husband but on how a husband is to treat his wife..............

If he's like this every day, I'd say it might be. But you said that things were fine until these 2 days, which sounds like he's got a problem that's making him on edge. Since you say he has an apartment, my first thought is that he's having an affair. Which would be typical - or at least more likely - for an abusive personality.

I'd need more details to see if he is currently operating in an abusive manner, but what you described just sounds like someone who's in a bad mood, albeit a long one. I'd do some snooping.

I agree that he's having a problem, but what it is I'm not sure. Not enough rest would be my first guess. The apartment is ours as it is over the church. Our church is an hour from our home as we can't sell it. There is another family living in the apartment next door. I was going out there to spend the night with him when he took me home. He had an early appointment out there this morning.

It seems to be a cycle. It used to happen every month, right before my period. Then, he started controling himself and things got better.

I'll take quite a bit but once I started crying and he disrespected me so much by the way he was talking to me that I feel trapped and can't stop him. He won't shut up and keeps hounding. That's when I cried out, "Leave me alone." He should have gotten the cues long before that and seen that the way he was communicating wasn't working for him, but he kept going.

His type of abuse is twisting, blaming and making everything my fault and then he becomes a victim. Our counselor is very good at what he does and I think a lot of his material is found here.
He, our counselor, never talked to him the way he talked to me in private. He handled my husband by asking him if the way he was doing things was working for him? Then he'd ask what we were doing to make the other person love us?

According to my husband's needs, he should have the perfect life. I try to stay fit, I'm keeping house, spending more time with him in recreation, sex is good.

The only area that I may lack is the area of respect in his eyes because he doesn't respect my insight. He's gotten better over the years but he's very resistant. I've learned to control my mouth more so that shouldn't be a reason for this. I try and build him up and I'm supportive of his work and successes.

2 days ago, when this started, he was installing a new garage door opener. Where we live we have to take the trash out as they pass by. We're doing a little bit of remodeling so I had my kids help me get the trash ready and it was 'in his way'. I tried to get it out of the way and it wasn't there that long before the trash came by. He went on and on about my bad timing. I wanted to get the house in order, so I was trying to get the trash out of the house. Which is also the reason I'd placed a few items in the back of my truck. Believe me, it didn't take up much room and we didn't have much shopping to take home. For him to go on and on about why I'd put the stuff back there when we had shopping to do. I scratch my head. I don't like being talked to as if I'm his child.

I just don't understand how one week he is able to act like the perfect husband and the next week he can be so mean. I went out of my way yesterday morning to make him a breakfast that he loves because it's his favorite meal and I don't always make him breakfast. We had discussed whether we'd take 2 cars or one out to his work. He didn't want me to be trapped when he had his morning appointment so I figured he'd leave earlier in the morning yesterday, but he didn't. Then, instead of leaving early and driving his own car he waited around for me and badgered me about how I don't care about my word. I gave my word to be somewhere at a certain time. In fact, I'd say that's his biggest complaint about me right now. He badgers me about my word. Not that I don't keep my word but sometimes I'm not able to keep a schedule exactly like I'd like too. I say it in good faith, hoping that I can but sometimes it's not physically possible. I'm not as young as I used to be and have some physical problems. Sometimes I have terrible insomnia and it effects my whole next day.

What about an affair? It will cause the WS to lose respect for the BS, as they rewrite history to justify the affair, telling themselves they 'need' someone better. Living apart like that, and him being in a position of a 'helper' to people would be a huge easy lead-in to developing at least an emotional affair, if not physical.

Aside from that, the only way you can make him respect you is treat yourself with respect first. You have to make a habit of not tolerating every time it happens. Like if someone is yelling at you, you tell them you're leaving the room for 20 minutes to give you both time to think. Come back in 20 minutes and if he starts up again, you leave again. A very direct consequence - taking away his audience and not standing for the treatment.

Besides taking a time out, what would you suggest I say or do? I'm trying to stick up for myself when I'm asking him to stop.

Now, I haven't heard from him all day and I'm being led to believe he's having an emotional affair?! He's a loner type guy and someone would have to be seriously persuing him for him to even notice. He's not overly attentive to me although I could get plenty of outside attention if I need or desire it. I try to keep myself pure. If anyone is at risk of an affair it would be me! Someone who tries as hard as I do for little attention in return can get very discouraged.

I don't know what WS, BS stands for. Catperson, may I ask if you are a female? It makes a difference to me and how I recieve your advice.

Sorry. WS = wayward spouse (one who has an affair)
BS = betrayed spouse (whose spouse is the WS)

I am female, have lived 30 years with a man who gets his way by acting out, being mad, pouting, criticizing...since I've been accepting it all these years, it's incredibly hard for me to stand up for myself because I've lost all self-confidence. That could be you, if he really is abusive, if you don't change yourself.

You can't change him, only yourself. What do you do? You tell him - respectfully and calmly - that you feel (hurt, disrespected, ignored, criticized, etc.) when he does (whatever it is). You do not do what he tells you to do if you don't want to. You accord yourself the same amount of respect you give him, and question whether you should allow certain things; if not, you say so, and then don't allow them.

Having said that, you can't just start doing that and expect him to be ok, if it's new. You first need to make sure you're giving your marriage all you should, being the best possible wife you can. Read about Love Busters (LBs), and see if you are doing any to your husband (H). If so, stop. Then read about Emotional Needs (ENs) and see if you are providing him all his important ENs - if you aren't, he may be looking elsewhere for them. Like in the arms of another woman.

And believe me, nearly every single person here whose spouse was wayward, also said at first "No, not MY husband (or wife). I know him, and he just wouldn't." You need to protect your marriage by at least considering the possibility before it's too late.

You are not him, so you do not know that. You only know who he is when he's around you. Don't make the mistake of assuming this.

catperson,

I'm so sorry for your trial and pain. I pray that God help you and your spouse to find true joy and peace in your relationship.

I began to feel that the enemy was attacking my marriage. I copied some of my post and sent it in an e-mail to my husband hoping he could get a feel for how I was feeling. Around 3 p.m. I called him and asked why I hadn't heard from him. He said he'd just returned from his tournament and had read my e-mails and we would talk when he got home.

When he arrived home he wanted to correct my thinking and tell me that I wasn't being abused. He said that what I wrote was completey biased and made me sound like an angel and him like a louse. He even said he could accuse me of abusing him for writing such a thing. Long story short, I asked him if he was planning to protect me? I told him that when he's tired that he needs to quickly appologize if I'm responding in such a way that I'm showing signs of feeling threatened, like crying. He assured me that I was his one and only woman. That there isn't anyone else that he's even remotely attracted to besides me. We agreed that we need to always respond in a way that's loving. If we aren't responding and communicating in a way that's loving than it's wrong. We appologized to one another. He grabbed me and made me sit on his lap and gave me kisses. Then he asked me if I wanted to be married to him?

I had dinner ready when he arrived so we sat down as a family and ate together. He liked it. He likes potato salad and I made some for him.

I'm sure thankful for this site because it helped me when negotiating. I asked him if he'd read the article that I'd sent in a link on physical/emotional/verbal abuse. He said no. He asked why I was crying again, that my emotional stability is wacked out. I was able to tell him that when someone is denying that they felt abused and try to make them feel that they have a mental problem than it's wrong. That's when I told him that discussing what happened wasn't the issue, the issue is not responding in love. Then everything started going great and there was reconciliation. Little by little, things are getting better as he becomes more willing to listen and apply. Thank God!

We also talked about not assuming, not using absolutes, adding the eliment of responding in love.

I see a lot of "he should's" in what you write, such as he should know. How should he know based on cues?
Again with the he should's...
And again...
So because the trash didn't take up much room, because you were remodeling, etc, he should not be so bothered by the trash...

Again with the he should's...

Look, I'm not saying his responses are healthy and loving.

What I'm saying is that you are not helping things with the "He should's..."

So I'm pointing this out. It could be part (not all, but part) of the problem, part of the cycle the two of you are current on.

He shoulds isn't part of it at all because I don't talk like that. I know what should mean. It puts false blame and guilt on a person.

The answer is:

1. Communication is the key.
2. Not assuming.
3. Not using absolute words when arguing
4. Responding in love.

I shared the scenario to see if it looked like emotional abuse or not? How would you take it?

I read on another forum that the abuse pattern is a honeymoon stage, tension rising, abuse takes place. I don't know if this is why I've seen a cycle. In the past, it sometimes happened because I'd have pms, then I'd accidently offend him, he'd shut down, become independant and then lash out. I journal and was able to see the cycle.

If you're just trying to determine, read the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Bancroft. If that doesn't fit him, then you guys are just not communicating properly. Following the MB principles will help you if that's the case.

Couldn't you write out some of the things you do know? What if I don't have access to this book you're talkin about?

One poster said that appearantly, I'm unclear to my husband about what I'm thinking.

How do you wives handle feeling your husband's bad mood? How can you ignore it? My husband is really moody and it wears me out.

I Googled 'abusive personalities' and this is the first thing I got - warning signs - how to tell if you're in an abusive relationship; it's pretty descriptive and you should be able to tell from reading this carefully and honestly.

btw, nearly all libraries carry that book or can order it for you, or you can go to Amazon.com and order it online to be delivered to your doorstep. If you feel he falls into this category, reading it could save your life.

Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality
It is sometimes possible to predict the likelihood of the person you are currently or are about to become involved with being abusive. Below are a list of behaviours and traits which are common in abusive personalities. These are commonly known as Warning Signs.

While not all abusive people show the same signs, or display the tendencies to the same extent, if several behavioural traits are present, there is a strong tendency toward abusiveness. Generally, the more signs are present, the greater the likelihood of violence. In some cases, an abuser may have only a couple of behavioural traits that can be recognized, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things).

Often the abuser will initially try to explain his/her behaviour as signs of his/her love and concern, and the victim may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviours become more severe and serve to dominate, control and manipulate the victim.

Jealousy
At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He/she may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him/her. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you'll meet someone else, check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you. Jealousy is not proof of love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.

Controlling Behaviour
Controlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., even if you told him/her you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he/she was not involved in. As this behaviour gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or how you spend your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he/she may theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalise you for making the wrong ones. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not.

Quick Involvement
Many victims of abuse dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser will often claim 'love at first sight', that you are 'made for each other', or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could understand him so well. He/she may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time. He/she needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him/her or make love before you feel the relationship has reached 'that stage'. He/she may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself to him/her.

Unrealistic Expectations
The abuser may expects you to be the perfect husband, wife, mother, father, lover, and friend. He/she is very dependent on you for all his/her needs, and may tell you he/she can fulfil all your needs as lover, friend, and companion. Statements such as: 'lf you love me, I'm all you need.', 'You are all I need.' are common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him/her emotionally, practically, financially or spiritually, and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation.

Isolation
The abuser may try to curtail your social interaction. He/she may prevent you from spending time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places 'together'. He/she may accuse you of being 'tied to your mother's apron strings', not be committed to the relationship, or view people who are your personal friends as 'causing trouble' or 'trying to put a wedge' between you. He/she may want to live in the country without a phone, not let you use the car, stop you from working or gaining further education or qualifications.

Blame-shifting for Problems
Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem. If they are unemployed, can't hold down a job, were thrown out of college or University or fall out with their family, it is always someone else's fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother. They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get him. He/she may make a mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him/her or preventing him/her from doing as they wished to.

Blame-shifting for Feelings
The abuser will deny feelings stem from within him/her but see them as reactions to your behaviour or attitude toward him/her. He/she may tell you that 'you make me mad', 'you're hurting me by not doing what I ask', or that he/she cannot help feeling mad, upset, etc. Feelings may be used to manipulate you, i.e. 'I would not be angry if you didn't ...' Positive emotions will often also be seen as originating outside the abuser, but are more difficult to detect. Statements such as 'You make me happy' or 'You make me feel good about myself' are also signs that the abuser feels you are responsible for his sense of well-being. Either way, you become in his/her mind the cause of good and bad feelings and are therefore responsible for his/her emotional well-being and happiness. Consequently, you are also to blame for any negative feelings such as anger, upset or depression.

Hypersensitivity
Most abusers have very low self-esteem and are therefore easily insulted or upset. They may claim their feelings are 'hurt' when they are really angry, or take unrelated comments as personal attacks. They may perceive normal set-backs (having to work additional hours, being asked to help out, receiving a parking fine, etc.) as grave personal injustices. They may view your preference for something which differs from their own as a criticism of their taste and therefore themselves (e.g. blue wallpaper rather than pink, etc.).

Cruelty to Animals
The abuser may punishes animals brutally, be insensitive to their pain or suffering, or neglect to care for the animals to the point of cruelty, e.g. not feeding them all day, leaving them in areas he/she knows will cause them suffering or distress. There is a strong correlation between cruelty to animals and domestic violence which is still being researched. (For more information and personal experiences, see Domestic Violence and Cruelty to Animals.)

Cruelty to Children
The abusers unrealistic expectations of their partner are often mirrored in their attitude toward children. He/she will think of children as 'small adults' and blame the children for not being responsible, having common sense or understanding. He/she may expect children to be capable far beyond their ability (e.g. is angry with a two-year old for wetting their pants or being sick on the carpet, waking at night or being upset by nightmares) and will often meet out punishments for 'naughtiness' the child could not be aware of. Abusers may tease children until they cry, or punish children way beyond what could be deemed appropriate. He/she may not want children to eat at the table, expect them to stay quiet, or keep to their room all evening while he/she is at home. Since abusers want all your attention themselves, they resent your spending time with the children or any normal demands and needs the children may have. As above (cruelty to animals), there is a very strong link between Domestic Violence and Child Abuse.

'Playful' use of Force in Sex
He/she may pressurise you to agree to forceful or violent acts during sex, or want to act out fantasies where you are helpless. A male abuser may let you know that the idea of "rape" excites him. He/she may show little concern about whether you want to have intercourse and uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. Starting sex while you are sleeping, demanding sex when you are ill or tired, or refusing any form of intimacy unless you are willing to go 'all the way' can all be signs that he/she could be sexually abusive or sexually violent.

Rigid Gender Roles
Abusers usually believe in stereotypical gender roles. A man may expect a woman to serve him; stay at home, obey him in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. A male abuser will often see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship. Female abusers may expect the man to provide for them entirely, shift the responsibility for her well-being onto him or heckle him as being 'not a real man' if he shows any weakness or emotion.

Verbal Abuse
In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, either in public or in private, this can include degrading remarks or running down any accomplishments. Often the abuser will tell you that you are 'stupid', could not manage without him/her. He/she may keep you up all night to 'sort this out once and for all' or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you. The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family.

Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde
Very rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh, nasty or violent person, either in public or in private. More frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world (often they have responsible jobs or are respected and important members of the local community or Church) and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home. Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent kindness and consideration. This Jeckyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion from outsiders. Many victims describe "sudden" changes in mood - one minute nice and the next explosive or hysterical, or one minute happy and the next minute sad. This does not indicate some special "mental problem" but are typical of abusive personalities, and related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

Drink or Substance Abuse
While neither drinking or the use of drugs are signs of an abusive personality, heavy drinking or drug abuse may be a warning sign and do increase the risks of abuse, especially violence, taking place. Often an abusive person will blame the drink for his/her abuse. However, a person who, knowing there is a risk he/she could be violent when drinking or on drugs, chooses to get drunk or high, is in effect choosing to abuse. The link between substance abuse and domestic abuse is still being researched, and it is apparent that while neither alcohol nor drugs necessarily cause violence, they do increase the risk of violence. (See What about alcohol and domestic abuse?)

History of Battering or Sexual Violence
Very rarely is abuse or violence a one-off event: a batterer will beat any woman he is with; a sexually abusive person will be abusive toward all his intimate partners. Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Sometimes friends or family may try to warn you about the abuser. Sometimes the abuser may tell you himself/herself that he/she has hit or sexually assaulted someone in the past. However, they may further go on to explain that "she made me do it by ..." or in some other way not take responsibility and shift the blame on to the victim. They may tell you that it won't happen with you because "you love them enough to prevent it" or "you won't be stupid enough to wind me up that much". Once again, this is denying their own responsibility for the abuse, and shifting the responsibility for the relationship to remain abuse-free on to you. Past violence is one of the strongest pointers that abuse will occur. If at all possible, try to speak to their previous girlfriends.

Negative Attitude toward Women
Some men may tell you that you are different to all the women they have known before, who display a lack of respect of women generally or who talk negatively and disrespectfully of their previous wives or girlfriends. They may tell you that you are special, not like the others and that they consider themselves to be the luckiest man alive to have found the last decent woman. It is not likely to be long before they remember that you are a woman and don't deserve their respect.

Threatening Violence
This would obviously include any threat of physical force such as "If you speak to him/her again, I'll kill you", or "If any wife of mine acted like John's did, I'd give her a right seeing to". Threats are designed to manipulate and control you, to keep you in your place and prevent you making your own decisions. Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behaviour by saying "everybody talks like that.", maintaining he/she is only saying this because the relationship or you are so important to him/her, tell you you're "over-sensitive" for being upset by such threats, or obviously want to hurt him/her. Threats can also be less overt, such as "If you leave me, I will kill myself", or "You are so wonderful, I will never let you go/couldn't live without you".

Breaking or Striking Objects
The abusive person may break your treasured object, beat his/her fists on the table or chair or throw something at or past you. Breaking your things is often used as a punishment for some imagined misdeed on your part. Sometimes it will be justified by saying that now that you are with him/her, you don't need these items any more. Breaking your possessions also has the effect of de-personalising you, denying you your individuality or literally trying to break links to your past. Beating items of furniture or throwing objects will often be justified by saying you wound him/her up so much they lost control, once again shifting the blame for this behaviour on to you, but is actually used to terrorise you into submission. Only very immature or abusive people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten or intimidate them.

Any Force during an Argument
An abuser may physically restrain you from leaving the room, lash out at you with his/her hand or another object, pin you against a wall or shout 'right in your face'. Basically any form of force used during an argument can be a sign that actual violence is a strong possibility.

How many months or years do you think it would take to rehibilitate an abuser and how many set backs would they be looking at in the future?
Once a month, once every 6 months, once a year, once every 2 years, never, depends on the individual?

sassy, abusers DO NOT rehabilitate! If you read the book "Why Does He Do That?" you would see that the chances of rehabilitation may be something like one person in 10,000. I'm serious. It is ingrained in their being, to be that way. They have no problem, you see. It is everyone else who has the problems. Therefore, there is nothing to rehabilitate.

Such people prey on people like you and me who think we can 'fix' someone and make them better and happier. We can't. The sooner you realize that the sooner you will walk away and look for someone who WILL make you happy.

Please don't go down that path, if your SO is truly abusive. You will end up abused, psychotic, and/or dead. And so will any children you have with him.

He is not salvageable. And Marriage Builder principles do NOT work on them; in fact, they twist around these principles to further manipulate YOU if you try to use them on him.

I don't believe that. With God, all things are possible!

Well, good for you for being optimistic, but don't say we didn't warn you - along with 95% of the literature from studies on abusive men - when we say if you try to convert him by being nice to him and following MB principles, we'll probably never hear from you again because you'll be so cowed...or dead...or ashamed for thinking you could change him and finding out you were wrong, that you'll never come back and let us know. I hope I'm wrong, or else that he isn't really as abusive as you say and might actually be a decent person who wants to improve. I really recommend you read some threads over on Emotional Needs by youngandlearning to see what an abusive relationship does to someone who stays in it too long. Or read the book I recommended.

Good luck.

He used to be very controlling. I was punished emotionally, he'd shut down and hold grudges easily, had outbursts of anger using a tone that is condescending(spelling). I used to try and try and wait for him to treat me right. Finally, without knowing it, I had opportunity to speak to a marriage counselor that actually deals with abuse. He recognized that it was so bad that he told me to separate from my husband. I went to my parents and told them that I was going to be separating from my husband and my husband sat down with my parents. During that meeting, my parents could also see how bad it was. Even his own parents could see it when he told me to shut up in front of them.

I didn't separate and continued to live with my husband while coresponding with the counselor. My counselor wouldn't respond to my husband until it got so bad that I asked my couselor to please talk to him and then we met with him together for counseling. My husband made great improvements after realizing that he was being emotionally abusive. He sat down with our children and confessed to them and made a committment to change. When I started posting this thread, he was having a little setback and I was feeling trapped. You have to realize that when it gets a little bad, the red flags go up for someone that's lived with emotional abuse in the past. There have been great improvements and our counselor gave us hope that he could change. So, if you're wanting follow up, here it is. I'm not cowering. When it gets tough, I will come around and look for support. I hope that's what this forum is about. Thank you for your kindness to respond.

I have to imagine that there are other emotionally abused spouses out there that are in ministry and feel trapped, just like I did. Thank God, my husband seems to want to do what's right. Sometimes, it's not in my timing but God has been faithful to me. We are going into our 2nd year of recovery.

I'm glad it's working. It doesn't sound like he is the typical definition of abuser. More like he just has dysfunctional learned habits from childhood, which are very much unlearnable. If he was a true abuser, he wouldn't be caring about you, he'd be trying to manipulate you.

Sorry, but I have to pop in my 2 cents here. Catperson wrote me a few months ago with the same book....please take her advice and read it.

My original post was about my hubby (both remarriage) saying my dog had to go after a few months of marriage and nothing was said about my 7 yr old "3rd child" prior to the marriage. Hubby "became" jealous of the dog and HATES him with a passion...the dog has not changed, hubby was just showing his true colors and focused on the dog so the other issues would be shadowed. Hubby and I have been in counseling separately since before we met and for marriage counseling since month 1. The insurance company recently called both counselors (I carry insurance on both of us) and I was relayed by my counselor that I am now "confirmed" as being emotionally abused. While I would love for our joint counselor to tell me that things can change, and yes, all things are possible, it is like telling a blue eyed person to become brown eyed. Miracles do happen, but certain personality traits are like eye color.

I am now financially unstable (I was just making ends meet before, now I have a large loan out to keep hubby's house [he refused to fix it up until the dog left....now it's still not being fixed up to sell]... from foreclosure/truck from repo'd, while in 7 mths I have seen NO money help from him...and I have 2 kids in college), have 'lost' (I feel like a traitor) my dog, cannot help in youthgroup (he says it takes time away from 'us'), have lost my best friend (she and he had an argument about my giving up my dog and he says I cannot talk w/ her now), and I bawl almost every day on the way home from work over this all. Amazing how a few short months can create such havoc in ones life by an insecure person.

OK, this was more than 2 cents, but please read the book....I need to get a backbone, but it's coming.