Okay, really. I guess I'm just either stupid or not brave enough or something.

I used to post as Mr s R o b, so some of my story is searchable, I guess.

Synopsis..

EA (never met in person) with phone sex for 6 weeks in Feb/Mar 2006. Was caught in Feb, still did it and re-caught in March. Then not full disclosure until October (didn't admit to the phone sex). So BH had a lot to go through.

I had my "reasons" for the EA but have never brought them up to ANYONE, including my ecclastical leader, because I never want to seem to be justifying my actions.

Have had NC since March 05, no new anything and full disclosure of anything and everything since then. Tried to do my best, but I don't think I can do what he wants.

And it just seems to get worse and worse.

Oh, and I"m 6 weeks away from giving birth to my fourth- our second together, eighth between the both of us! (His 4 from a previous marriage don't see us at all, though. My 2 from a previous marriage live with us). THis was not planned, thanks to a no estrogen, very time-sensitive BCP and a really great Dave Matthews Band concert....9 months later....lol...

I am not kidding that every couple of days I get a new ultimatium. Yesterday it's that I get $50 a week in gas and then I can't do anything else (including go to work). I have a little over 2 weeks left to get the house spotless or else he'll sell it (it's all his, I"m not on the deed or mortgage, he can do what he wants). I have been told that he'll divorce me if I don't provide "#1 sex experiences every night." THough he hasn't yet.

He is really really mean if I don't provide sex to his satisfaction. In fact, he'll stop in the middle of it and just tell me it's not good and to leave him alone. He smokes pot right in the bedroom (remember I"m pregnant) before he'll have sex even though I STRENUOUSLY object. Then of course I don't have any good feelings about SF and it shows. He says that I debased myself for someone else and should be more than happy to be a wh**e for him. Oh, and the name calling is fairly continuous, almost to the laughable- I do something wrong, say, put too much mayo in the tuna, and I get yelled at and "you're a who*e anyway." It's not quite that bad, but practically. I havent' been blamed yet for global warming (like Bugsmom), but I'm pretty sure all AlQuaida activities are my fault. I say the sky is blue, he says it's more indigo.

The thing is, this is the way it's ALWAYS been in our marriage, sans the name calling. Now he just feels he's justified, and I feel that way too- like I brought this on myself because of what I did. But I keep wondering what I did BEFORE my EA to deserve this. And is there no deserving of respect and love for a FWW who has earned her F, and like Mrs WOndering, I KNOW this was a complete abberation and will NEVER happen again?

My love bank is in the red. Seriously in the red. He wont' do counseling, he'd be livid if he found out I posted here, he just says he should be able to do whatever he wants for as long as he wants and I should just put up and shut up. Divorce is bandied about- by both of us- a lot. I always beg him to stay. He says he loves me, then says of course he wouldn't tell me if he was going to divorce me, I'd never see it coming. Last night was another bust up SF event, and he said it was fine last night, then this morning he said "I just said that to get you to leave me alone, I can't trust you, so you shouldnt' believe anything I say. I am absolutely angry at you."

I will be left homeless and without income if I divorce. I have a "job" as a loan officer, you can all guess how well that's going. I am seriously looking for another job, but it's kind of hard at 8 months preggers. No health insurance, etc.

And the bottom line is I love him, but at almost 2 years from the last bit of disclosure, shouldn't the name calling at least go away? I feel like I can never trust him again- and obviously he feels the same about me. I know I will never do this again- I would divorce first- but he doesn't know.

Bob Pure asks what would you do if you weren't afraid, but unfortunately I am, and have no idea what to do.

I'm sure you've been told this before, but the name-calling is not ok ever. Not before the A, and not after the A. You made a mistake with the EA, but that doesn't give him carte blanche to abuse you. And that is what he is doing...

It is physically abusive to you and your unborn child for him to smoke around you. It is verbally/emotionally abusive for him to call you names and threaten you. I don't know what your marriage was like before the EA, but it is not what a marriage should be about now.

You DO NOT DESERVE to be abused. Yes, you need to make changes in yourself to avoid an A, but at this point, I'm not sure that the EA is your problem at all.

Do you have any family to turn to? What about your friends? This is not a healthy relationship. I'm sure it's scary, but you can find a way out if you try. This abusive relationship is not good for you or your children. It will not change. He has already proven that.

Please, find support and get safe.

I guess the hard thing is he just doesn't care. He says it's fine if he never sees the kids again, he'd pay CS and daycare and that's it. He says over and over that he just doesnt' care if we are married or not. Why he doesn't file for D I don't know.

I feel so stupid- I'm college educated, from a strong family, and if a friend of mine were going though the same thing I'd give the same advice.

He said last night he'd stop smoking pot....at least for awhile. He "found" some a couple years ago and says he hasn't bought any since, just uses teeny amts, etc. THe funny thing is that I NEVER had anything to do with any kind of drugs, including alcohol, until this... thanks DH for bringing that into my life!

I can get verbally abusive also, as far as name calling. I am working on this, but it's a struggle.

He has never ever ever gotten physical with me or the kids.

If I say- "Calling names is not acceptable to me," then he throws my EA in my face and says I abused him with that...

He couches the ultimatums as boundaries- like with the house, I said I didn't like it and he said that "you can do it or not, I'm just telling you what I am going to do if you don't get the house perfect." He never lifts a finger to help- rarely, if ever....

Hmm, I just saw MrsZonie's thread, where the consensus seems to be that she should just suck it up and drive on if her husband lets loose, since she brought it on herself.....

So I guess it should go on forever since I'm a FWW....

Depressing.

This is verbal and emotional abuse, pure and simple! Name-calling; threatening your access to work by limiting your gas money even just to get to work; does he limit your access to friends and family? You say he'd be mad if he knew you posted here, that sounds like it. Forcing you to be around illegal and unhealthy marijuana smoke when you are pregnant!!!!!!!


What, one abuse excuses another? NOT.

Can you contact some sort of women's shelter or women's services?

I think it's admirable that for YEARS you have not excused your EA by talking about how he was before the EA. But if he's this abusive, no it does not excuse your EA but it does mean you need to get out. You have a right to not be abused. You have a responsibility to raise your kids in a non-abusive environment.

Do you have sons or daughters? Do you want your sons to act like your H, or do you want your daughters to expect nothing better? If you don't have enough self-esteem left to do it for yourself, do it for your kids.

His exW may be an ally to you here, I dunno.

HTH, MrsZonie my WW, was posting this because she was mad for me calling her Stupid, Careless and a Sl** after she FINALLY told me that she allowed very explicit pictures of her to be taken and kept by the OM. This came after she assured me there were no other details to tell me. I thought we were in Recovery and we clearly were not. I lashed out. I was WRONG and it is not acceptable to do this. Sometimes it will happen, and I think the consensus from everyone here was that she needs to stop crying foul when it does happen and help US work through it the right way.

I know exactly how your H feels. He feels that he's entitled to reparations from you. HOWEVER, he seems to feel his reparations for what you did to him can come in the form of abuse. This certainly cannot be allowed. Some of the vets here will tell you more than I can. I am too new to this myself, but just wanted to say that even for what MrsZ did to me, I could not and should not ever treat her like your H is treating you, and I don't think anyone on this board will tell you differently.

Keep coming here and posting, get help and take care of your kids and yourself.

You know what, Zonie, of course the BH (or W) is entitled to be furious and upset- esp when new info comes out that just brings it all to the forefront again. I didn't mean anything about you- please know that.

Yes, reparations is exactly it. If I could only go into detail about the horrible things that he has asked for and I have done- but it's never enough. He says I will owe him forever- but apparently he can do whatever for however long and I'm supposed to be okay with it.

Thing is, if I'm not okay with it then it's over, 'cause he doesnt' care. At all.

First, OMG!!! It's YOU!!! I just thought of you the other day and said to Mr. W that I wondered how you were doing! Can I just say that I'm so sorry for what you are still going through, but that I'm so happy to hear from you! You have not been forgotten!

HTH, it breaks my heart to hear that you are still being abused...You need Plan B with conditions that unless and until he gets professional help that you will not be around him-EVER...Your children need you to be healthy and no way can you be while living under those conditions...It's not safe and it's not right!

I'm gonna put a call-out to MEDC who has experience working with victims of abuse and see if he will come here and advise you...

I'll be praying for you...(((((HTH)))))

Mrs. W

HTH, I certainly didn't think you meant anything about me or my WW. This thread is about you. I was just pointing out that as recently as yesterday, MrsZ was not fully committed to recovering, and even with the details I received I don't feel that any Spouse should treat the other as you are being treated.

I think your marriage as it exists now SHOULD be over. You and he need to start to build a NEW one together, and you cannot with this form of abuse.

Again, the vets will have much, much better advice than I can ever give.

It's been TWO YEARS and this is still going on? Something is very wrong with this picture.

You are being abused. Yes, you abused your husband with your EA but going strictly by what you post, you have been faithful since. I'm not sure either one of you though are following the MB guidelines for a successful recovery. That's hard to do though if only one of you is willing.

There is no excuse for what your husband is doing. It sounds as if he's NEVER going to get over this and you will PAY for as long as he wishes. Your marriage may be recovered from your affair but it's a very unhealthy marriage.

I don't know what the Harleys say about a BS who behaves this way, but I would think it goes against several of the MB methods for a happy marriage.

You need to stand up for yourself AND your children (they're watching and listening to this poison). Call a shelter. They help women from all walks of life. Something's got to give in this sick relationship. How long are you going to tolerate this abuse?

Zonie- yes, this marriage should be overhauled, but BH wants nothing but revenge on me- that's the overhaul he wants.

MrsW- yep, me again (still!) BH won't care about plan B- it will just be over. I have no $$, nowhere to live, no decent job and at practically giving birth, it's kind of on hold, if you know what I mean!

Should I plan A him? But then, there are all kinds of boundaries crossed- the pot, etc- and I am so disgusted, I really hate SF. It's not "loving" at all. It's robotic and proscribed and pretty much all for him- though being this preggers I don't mind that right now.

I will do the house stuff, it's not disgusting or anything, but certainly disorganized. So that will be something plan A-ish.

My 2 older kids are disgusted with him- they know the house ultimatum and see that he does NOTHING around the house to help.

MEDC has advised me before, I think he probably thinks I'm hopeless by now...

Is this abuse or him just needing as much time as it takes to get over what I did?

PM, BH wants nothing to do with MB or counseling or anything at all- nothing at church (they even offered free counseling by a licensed counselor who is definitely pro-marriage).

We stay married for the kids. He says he loves me, usually followed by a ...but and then something he wants me to do better with SF. It's all about that and it has always been. That is a DJ, but it is my perception.

No, you are not hopeless.

My advice is real simple. Get out of the house(or better yet, get him out of the house...you CAN have him arrested for the pot use for starters) and get yourself(your kids) and your unborn child to a safe place. Your H is clearly abusive and anything short of getting away from him right now puts you and your unborn child at risk.

I certainly can offer help...but the first step is you deciding you want help.

So, when is enough enough?

I think he has you convinced that he won't care, but I don't necessarily believe him...I understand wanting to wait because of your pregnancy and money issues, but I do believe that you need to be getting things in order the best that you can in order to execute a Plan B, A.S.A.P....

And I do see this as abuse and not just him taking time to heal...Also, you mentioned that a lot of this behavior pre-dated the EA...Perhaps though I am not the best one to ask, because I'm sure you remember that Mr. W has never even yelled at me...or actually at anybody...EVER...in his whole life...I've never been called a name, and mine was a PA and I was quite possibly one of the worst waywards around-I was rotten to the core-I gave him plenty of ammunition should he have wanted to lash out at me, but he never has...So, I live with an amazing anomaly of a man and probably am not the best judge...But I gotta tell ya, it sure does sound like abuse...and I don't think you deserve that...no one does...

Mrs. W

Others here know Plan A and B better than me so if someone says otherwise, go with them. But IMHO no, do not Plan A. In some sense you have been Plan A'ing already, by putting up with this and being as good as you can be. His abuse continues. That's classic abusive behavior - he will manipulate you so you do what he wants.

The regular MB plans don't hold in cases of abuse. He's abusive and will not change just because you act nicer. That's exactly what he wants, and that just continues the abuse.

However, Plan B sounds good to me.


This is abuse. he is NOT trying to recover:


He is NOT trying to recover. He is NOT going to change under the present conditions; he's getting just what he wants.


It still affects them and influences them, even if they disagree with his behavior. Think of this: how many times do people say, "I'll never do what my parents do!" And yet so very often we find ourselves doing, or getting into, the same exact things. Patterns repeat themselves unless dealt with.

Get those kids out of that house! Including your unborn!!!! Pot smoke!!!!!!!!

You are worth it. You deserve better hon. I'm just thinking that maybe after being beat down so long you may not have the self-esteem left to do it for yourself. You deserve to do it for yourself, but if you cannot, do it for the kids.

Oh yeah, I like medc's idea of getting HIM out of the house even better.

So your name isn't on the deed. You're his wife, right? Don't you have rights to the marital home?

Get HIM out, yes.

Something to consider though, may be the logistics of childbirth - if you have him kicked out before, could he get back in while you're in the hospital?

I don't know what state you're in but if it's a community property state, you have a vested interest in any improvements or $$ that has been spent on that house during the marriage, even if it's his separate property pre-marriage. That's kind of irrelevant though because the priority for you should be to get yourself situated BEFORE that baby gets here. I don't think you have time for the legal wrangling right now and you certainly don't need any drama in your condition.

Call a shelter. Not only do they offer shelter, they have tons of resources... legal help, housing, child care, job searches, etc.

Take MEDC up on his offer to help. I know firsthand that he has helped others in your shoes. But like he said... you gotta be willing.

This is not a hopeless situation.

HTH,
Listen to MEDC...do not Plan A. It is beyond that. You said it yourself, all he wants from recovery is revenge. You are NOT deserving of that. Even if you had multiple As, you do not deserve the abuse. I am a BS and while I have anger and pain related to my FWH 4 year A, I do not want revenge.

This man is abusing you and he has you believing that you somehow don't matter to him (maybe that you don't matter to anyone). I have been where you are. It's scary and it's easy to believe what he says. Don't. You can't see it from the inside. Just rely on the knowledge that others CAN SEE from the outside and that we want you to be safe and happy.

Talk with your family. Talk with your friends. LISTEN to them when they are appalled by Hs behavior (as they should be). And let them support you in leaving. You can do it.

Good luck.

We've talked before that his faith doesn't condone pot smoking or the kind of abuse he's been dishing out before and after your EA.

You are standing between him and God, and you are preventing his recovery or potential for recovery.

It's time.

You know it. Imagine Jesus talking with you about the Atonement - what He did to cover the debt of your sins and of your husband's sins. But you seem to be bent on suffering for your own and forgetting that He already suffered them. Will you make His gift for nothing?

Talk with your ecclesiastical leaders - about ALL of it. At this point, three years later, they're not going to think you're excusing yourself. Let your husband go through his recovery or fall. But get out of the way of God taking care of you!

Hello M r s R o b!!

Welcome back.

You should read back over your old threads because the advice really is the same.

Your situation is totally different from the Zonies.

((((M r s R o b)))