Hi all,

After some serious thought, soul searching, praying, etc I've decided that staying in Plan B is best.

OK, I could go there, IF I knew exactly where he was, which I don't. I'm sure that I can find out if need be, but the main reason is that OW is probably there and I feel like me showing up would be too much stress. Since I have never seen her before, it may be just too much for all of us if we meet under those conditions. I'm guessing that part of this whole health issue thing is the stress of her putting pressure on him to get things wound up with me and move on. Besides, I have no job now and no money to fly out there and stay in a hotel. My friend called him and told him that I was concerned and basically that I care, so he knows that. He still said he absolutely did not want to talk to me. And Wildhorses was right in that he doesn't need my sympathy right now. And SL was right in that it is partly MY need to do this.

I guess what I have come to terms with is that I would attempt recovery, but I need something too, and that is an attempt from him and a little remorse. I know, we shouldn't expect that from WS's, but I don't think that it is asking too much after an entire year of false recoveries, lies, continued contact etc. I feel like I've done my part, and I've taken Jennifer's advice and written a few letters which fall on deaf ears. At this point, I just feel that if he wants to recover this M then he has to make the attempt. This is something I need. If it isn't worth it to him, then so be it. Maybe it's pride, dignity, whatever, I don't know. I just know that I could not heal at this point without that attempt being made. He obviously still does not want this M or he would have let me know about this when it happened 3 weeks ago.

This situation will be a tough one. Not just the emotional aspect, but what this does to the status of the D that he filed. Legal and financial issues will only be more complicated from here on out.

Again, thanks for your support.

Hi CL,

...yes...I also wonder what I would do in that kind of situation...

If you can send a note, without any 'expections' to acknowledge your concern for him regardless of whether or not he 'acts' on it, then that would be fine... because if not, that's when you would be hurting yourself, by setting yourself up for disappointment.... and I guess, also, like B says by doing so, you're hoping not to set yourself up for future regrets or be unhappy for NOT having communicated your concern...

...but the idea is to do 'something' with YOU in mind... as opposed to doing something and expecting an outcome of sorts!

In principle plan B is NOT you refusing to see WS... it's stating your boundaries for WS to see you, and it is WS, by refusing to respect them, that is in essence CHOOSING not to see you!

...for a WS to give up OP, his 'addiction', or overcome his pride, or consider changing in any way, WS needs to be highly 'motivated' to do so....that's why the DARKER plan B the better... the greater the LOSS the better....MISSING BS more the better....

...and a BS needs to accept the limit of what they CAN do.... that WS cannot be MADE to WANT to make the EFFORT required to repair the damaged R with BS.....WS must CHOOSE, of his own free will, to want to.....because it will be LOTS OF WORK!

...that's when a BS must be....STILL!

I will be curious to know what you chose to do...or not do!

I see we cross-posted.

CL,

You seem to have thought it through and have come to a decision... not an easy situation...

Trust that if your Plan B letter was clear... and if WS wanted you in his life.... he knows what HE needs to do...sick or not sick.

...and particularly if OP is involved in his life, and seeing that it would be a financial strain for you to go and see him and if your concern has been clearly communicated to him and he is asking that you not go and see him....

...I don't really see the benefit of going to see him either for your personal recovery nor your marital recovery.

I think going to see him would be a terrible idea.

If you've sent a few letters and then your friend got rebuffed when she told him you still care, then I would agree that that's enough.

Next time I'm talking with Jennifer, I'm going to ask how the whole letter concept fits in with "the darker the better" thinking behind Plan B.

(((CL)))

Luna,

Thanks for posting. Yes, it's been tough. My Plan B letter was delivered last summer, but we had a couple of false recoveries after that. Our final D day was me blowing a gasket and LB'ing, so it didn't end with a second Plan B letter. I did however, send two or three additional letters under Jennifer's supervision where I apologized for my actions, pleaded for a new beginning, etc. but stated that we must have honesty, no contact, etc. No response on those though.

SD,

Yes, please ask Junnifer about the letter concept. To me, it seems like begging. If I thought that I would get a different response I would be willing to try again, but I honestly don't think I would. I feel like I've shown my willingness to recover, and I understand the addiction concept, but c'mon, there has to be a time where a WS is either going to do it or they aren't. I dunno, maybe I'm just getting tired and frustrated with the whole darn thing.

I totally understand the Plan B concept. This thing can really wear you down in a hurry. Plan B is definitely about the sanity of the BS.

Yes, SD... it would be interesting to see what Jennifer says about that.

Hi CL,


...what I find with a WS is that the fog is soooo thick it's uncertain, even with the dots very very close together and it being a very very simple message, I still wonder if a WS 'gets' what is being said in plan B... like trying to talk to a 'drunk'.... it has little to do with what or how it is being SAID... and more to do with the state of mind and reception of a message by a...DRUNK...


Me, too, CL.... it's like....trying the same thing over and over hoping to get a different response.... unless maybe enough time has gone by to check and see if the fog has lifted and if by chance this would enable the 'message' to get through...

...otherwise...it seems to me that BS is continually given WS 'power' over one's life! ...and that's NOT good..TOO high a price to pay as far as I am concerned!


...well...without plan B....I think a BS...given the state of confusion created by D-day and its aftermath... would buy into the idea that A is somehow BS's fault rather than a result of WS's choice..... and NOT consider NC with WS as the healthiest route to take... and therefore be subjected to the 'mental abuse' a WS is capable of inflicting.... similar to the cycle of a victim of 'physical abuse'...

Hey all,

I changed the name of this to my final thread because this is my D thread.

While we all secretly hope that our WS's hair will fall out, or their cars will break, or something bizarre will happen, when something bad really happens to them we realize the severity of the situation.

After WHs severe heart attack, and my decision to stay in Plan B, I've since come to another conclusion. While this is not following MB principles, it's my feeling and I wanted to express it.

Obviously, major stress has contributed to his health. While I know that my DD's addiction is part of it, I also know that our situation is part of it too. His life is on the line and I certainly don't want to be a part of the stress causing it. At this point I'm going to call my atty and have him get this over as soon as possible by agreeing to whatever I can (within reason). I realize that continually fighting for a M that he obviously doesn't want to be in only adds to the situation. It just isn't worth a life in my opinion. While I never thought that I would say this, he and OP have my blessing. If that makes him happy, then I'll accept it and move out of the way. Not all WS's come back. As much as we all want to believe that they do, they don't. It finally hit me that he really doesn't want to be M to me, so why am I putting us both through this.

Now, that doesn't mean that I won't fight for my financial security, because I will. I have to. That's if there is anything left. This all just means that I'm giving up on the fight for the M and will do what I can to expedite the D that he wants.

Will I stay in Plan B? If Plan B means no contact with him ever, then Yes. I will do this to protect myself from the pain and to preserve my own sanity.

I just hope OP stays with him when she finds out that he isn't the cash cow that she thought he was. His inability to work now will not allow him to absorb the huge debt that he has incurred, and will no doubt drive us into bankruptcy. Unfortunately nothing has been signed in terms of the D, so legally we are still M and I will also more than likely be responsible for this debt. IT all sucks.

Opinions, advice, 2x4's, whatever welcome....

I just love you and am walking through this, however you need me too.

We can all say he is an idiot and all the extra stuff, but I know you, and I know how sad and hard this is for you. I'm sorry it's come to this. It almost seems irresponsible to say that G-d has a better plan, but CL, if we are to survive this without becoming bitter, etc., we have to put our entire trust and being into G-d.

{{{{{{{{{{Chai}}}}}}}}}}}

Title changed...

I keep changing the name of my title, but then it doesn't actually change. Anybody know how to do it?

Thanks for your support Queenie. The longer I stall, the more pressure she probably puts on him so nobody is really winning. In my case, OP wins. I'd rather lose the battle than have him die. My DD loses in that case. She's already losing everything anyway, and she doesn't need to lose her dad right now.

I fought as long as I could.

OW will undoubtedly drop him. It isn't easy caring for someone recovering from a heart attack.

Can he get ss disability?

Believer,

I don't know. He probably has some sort of disability from his job if he can't go back to it. Not sure how good it will be though.

And yes, I do agree that she will probably drop him when he has no money. Especially if he requires care at any time. He admitted to me at one time that she was looking for someone to take care of her.

It seems like to me that YOU are making a lot of ASSUMPTIONS.

Why are YOU taking so much RESPONSIBILITY for events that are OUT OF YOUR CONTROL?

You have that much POWER, CL?

Mimi,

I know what you are saying, but you can't deny that our situation is part of his stress. How could it not be? I'm not saying that I have any power of sorts, just that I feel like my continued stalling is for me. What I want. Not what he wants. I feel like I need to let it go and quit fighting it. And I'm not saying that I'm the only source of stress, just that I'm adding to it, and I don't want to feel responsible for adding to conditions that cause the HA that kills him.

Maybe it's screwed up thinking, but all this is not worth his life. I don't want anyone to die because of all of this.

I don't think that you are responsible for HIS STRESS.

HE is responsible for HIS STRESS.

He is TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE and is being held accountable.

Affairs by definition are SELF-DESTRUCTIVE..PHYSICALLY and EMOTIONALLY...

You can't ASSUME what HE wants.

This has been one of my MAJOR GROWTH pieces even in my marriage today.

I've stopped making assumptions about what my husband is thinking and feeling. That is sooo DISRESPECTFUL...a DJ..

You DON'T KNOW until he tells you.

I encourage you to take a look at this, if not for this relationship, for any future relationship.

This is even important for me in my relationship with my boys.

I've become a much, much better parent by LISTENING to them, really LISTENING to them and NOT making assumptions based on my own LOGICAL thinking.

My H just recently called me on this.."just because it's LOGICAL to you doesn't mean that it fits with my LOGIC"..he receives this as being condescending on my part...

This is INCREDIBLE, CL. If he has a heart attack and DIES, YOU will not be RESPONSIBLE at ALL!!


It could be that DIVORCING HIM will cause GREATER STRESS for him...and just because he is stressed doesn't mean that he will have a heart attack and die..

There's clogged arteries from the food he's been eating...

There's the effect of heredity if there's a history of heart disease in his family...

I could go on and on...