Hi everyone. I'm not sure what to do or what to explain but how do you handle the feeling that your doing everything you possibly can to salvage your marriage and give your W what she needs and wants but your gut and heart hurts so bad because she cant accept it right now and it feels like it just wont work no matter what you do?

Dont not be around spouse when doing the following...
Go for a walk, yell somewhere private like in the car while taking a drive, kick something firmly..not hard. Write a letter expressing all hateful, hurtful feelings and then destroy it. Pray.
I have a bit of a mantra I recite to myself:
1. be the better person
2. always show your love
3. expect nothing
4. Accept whatever good comes your way.

Lately I am trying to focus on the baby steps towards progress that I can see, and believe me, they are tiny

What is your story??

Well the steps are real tiny for me. Good advice and thanks. We're separated. It's been a build op over years really. I've turned my back on her at times for selfous reasons and it has always been either one or the other working hard on the marriage and being the giver but never at the same time. Right now it's me doing the majority if not 98% of the work (my view) and she has a right to being reserved thinking it wont last. The hard part there is that I know it will if we can work into the interdepepdent relationship it takes for a marriage to work well. I know it's not easy for her but it's been very rough on me not even knowing it was coming. Looking back I should have realized but if that was the case with everyone then we wouldn't really need these boards lol. Long story short her love bank was drained and rightfully so she feels it will never get filled and stay towards the top. I now know it will due to my resolve on making our love alive again but with each day mine gets lower also. Complicating things is the fact she has done a lot of giving in to fill what I thought was my love bank (obviously wasnt and I take all that blame for a multitude of reasons) so right now she feels (rightfully so) that if she were to put a full effort into it it would be her giving in again and opening herself up for hurt while I feel it would bring this marriage back alive stronger then ever before.

You have go give and give and give to make up for a negative balance, with no love busters either, because they drain the love bank. It will take some time, probably much longer than you think.

But come here and we will encourage you. We know what you are going through.

Thank you. That is exactly what I'm trying to do and find it maddening and tearing me down as a person and husband and it just does no help for our marriage to do that. By the time she is strong enough to put back into this marriage I feel I might be too weak and hurt to do the same.

How long have you been trying real hard?

Have you read the walk away wife article here?

Well it was late last year I really started trying and there were concerted efforts before that (meaning pre-realization of deep meanings and understandings) but it's been almost 2 months now since it's been truely evident my full efforts and concentration are on saving this and filling her bank but filling her bank isnt possible because it's only minimually allowed to be done.

No I haven't read that article but thanks I will look it up.

I did a search but couldn't find the article?

Did you know that of the over one million marriages that will end in divorce this year, two thirds to three quarters of those divorces will be filed for by women? What is this so-called, "Walk-away Wife" syndrome all about?

In the early years of marriage, women are the relationship caretakers. They carefully monitor their relationships to make sure there is enough closeness and connection. If not, women will do what they can to try to fix things. If their husbands aren't responsive, women become extremely unhappy and start complaining about everything under the sun... things that need to get done around the house, responsibilities pertaining to the children, how free time is spent and so on. Unfortunately, when women complain, men generally retreat and the marriage deteriorates even more.

After years of trying unsuccessfully to improve things, a woman eventually surrenders and convinces herself that change isn't possible. She ends up believing there's absolutely nothing she can do because everything she's tried hasn't worked. That's when she begins to carefully map out the logistics of what she considers to be the inevitable, getting a divorce.

While she's planning her escape, she no longer tries to improve her relationship or modify her partner's behavior in any way. She resigns herself to living in silent desperation until "D Day." Unfortunately, her husband views his wife's silence as an indication that "everything is fine." After all, the "nagging" has ceased. That's why, when she finally breaks the news of the impending divorce, her shell-shocked partner replies, "I had no idea you were unhappy."

Then, even when her husband undergoes real and lasting changes, it's often too late. The same impenetrable wall that for years shielded her from pain, now prevents her from truly recognizing his genuine willingness to change. The relationship is in the danger zone.

If you are a woman who fits this description, please don't give up. I have seen so many men make amazing changes once they truly understand how unhappy their wives have been. Sometimes men are slow to catch on, but when they do, their determination to turn things around can be astounding. I have seen many couples strengthen their marriages successfully even though it seemed an impossible feat. Give your husband another chance. Let him prove to you that things can be different. Keep your family together. Divorce is not a simple answer. It causes unimaginable pain and suffering. It takes an enormous amount of energy to face each day. Why not take this energy and learn some new skills and make your marriage what you've wanted it to be for so long?

If you're a man reading this and your wife has been complaining or nagging, thank her. It means she still cares about you and your marriage. She's working hard to make your love stronger. Spend time with her. Talk to her. Compliment her. Pay attention. Take her seriously. Show her that she's the most important thing in the world to you.

Perhaps your wife is no longer open to your advances because she's a soon-to-be walkaway wife. If so, read the posts on the divorcebusting.com messageboard. Don't crowd her. Don't push. Be patient. If you demonstrate you can change and she still has eyes... and a heart, you might just convince her to give your marriage another try.

Thank you. I'm fortunate to have a wife that didnt nag but instead try to communicate rationally and I was messed up enough to not appreciate that. So much of my understanding and realization is totally different now. I only hope things can reverse course before both our love banks are empty.


I didn't realize I posted this in the Infidelity forum. Can a mod please change this to a general forum?

ezb
I think our stories may be alot alike. At time I feel like I'm fighting a battle that's already been lost. Like I'm just spinning my wheels and she's just waiting for the right time to roll out. I've been in this mode for about 5 months now and some days are rough. But I've seen little changes here and there. I think she's afraid of things going back to how they were, I won't let that happen, but she doesn't know that. I try to tell her but only time will tell you know? She has every right to feel that way she does, I created the environment she had to deal with for all these years. I know my wife, I know she values our family and our marriage but she's scared. She wants to be happy again, right now she believes that may be without me. She hasn't decided against the marriage but hasn't committed yet either. That's my hell and I have to deal with it.

I'm no expert brother or I wouldn't be in this situation, but I do know that you have to be strong, Stronger than anything you can imagine. My worst problem is trying to be positive when I'm around her, trying not to look depressed or upset. She told me that doesn't help. So the one thing I strive to do is be positive and happy when I'm around her. We still live in the same house with no thoughts of separating but it's hard doing it without expectations. Things are getting better, not as fast as I'd like but I'm trying real hard to be patient. I feel the same as you, I just know in my gut that if she just let go of the fear, we'd get this thing back on track and never go back to how it was. Try not to think of what "might" happen, only think of today and how you're going to make her feel safe. I have trouble doing tht myself so I know how you feel. We've been married 18 yrs and it's like we're just living together, tears my guts out. But I'm trying to stay on track, I never, ever give her reason to doubt me again. Never, ever LB! No matter what happens, keep your cool and be "nice". She needs to know that your marriage is your only concern and nothing will move you from that position. Sounds funny coming from me because I'm so far away from where I want us to be. But I've seen improvement, we talk, she says she loves me, she lays on me at night sometimes. 5 Months ago I got nada, nothing. Granted, she was still in hiding with her A until 2 months ago, so that changed alot. But we're moving, at least I believe we are. I have to believe, if I let the negative s*%t get to me, our marriage would be doomed, and that's not what I want. So I decided within myself that I will do whatever it takes to fight for us, by myself if need be, until she walks away. At least I'll know, and she'll know, that I fought with everything I had. So if she decides to walk, she'll know without a doubt that she's walking away from a good man and a great family. If she does that, she'll carry that burden herself, without my help.

I feel for you, I really do. I never thought I'd be in this position but here I am, just like you. This place has done me more good than I could've ever imagined. I don't know what I would be doing right now if I hadn't found MB. I probably would've ripped us apart by now. Keep strong, keep your eye on the goal and do everything you know to get there. Read everything you can get your hands on. Read the success stories to give you strength. Keep the bad junk out of your head, it's hard but if I can do (most of the time) anyone can.

Stay strong

Yes it does seem like we are in a similiar situation and thank you for the advice. I wish i could be much stronger then I have been. Not that its any consilation I'm sure but you should really find strength in the fact shes not a WAW. Mine left a month and a half ago. She says she loves me but I asked her tonight if she was still IN love with me and her reply was I dont know. That ripped me apart more then anything because I have done such a complete about face and have basically cried myself to sleep every night since the day she moved out. We both knew from day 1 we were meant to find each other and I still believe in that but she no longer does it seems. I cant blame her for not feeling anything for my hurt because of the past but the pain is great when you know our lives will be totally different if she could just trust that and have faith in it. She said she is also hurting but I know if it truely hurt deep now like it does me things would be a lot different then they are at the moment. It is hard to make the times happy when you feel its for a cause thats already lost because of her actions and words. Complicating the fact even more is that we both have high sex drives but she will not open her emotions up to have sex with me. I know she will be happy again and enjoy her life so much more if she could just have the faith that I wont turn my back on her ever again. we had such a strong connection when we met and there were so many things that separated us that I hate everyone one of em. The whole situation is tearing me apart just like it tore her apart and led her to walk away. She spent a long time on this message board getting up her strength to file and walk away so I guess now its my turn but harder because I was blind sided with it(not that I shouldnt have seen it coming but didnt) and while she got her strength I was still living here so she could wein herself from me. My fears are 1. this is pay back and even if its not meant to be it makes me feel that most times then not and it will end either way. 2. It already is ended for her and she just wants to simply help me by moving further away from our love slowly so I wont hurt as bad eventually.
She said shes changing it from divorce to a legal separation because she feels she also didnt do everything she could which is in her mind a positive but it doesnt console me nearly as much as I need right now. If she could only have the faith that I have had our whole relationship that nothing could separate us our love would flourish again. But then again thats why I was blind sided with all this. She has said she feels I always thought she would never have the strength to leave me, problem was though what I actually knew was I would never want to leave her. Things are starting to become very thin though. i only hope she trusts my efforts enough before it tears me from her also.

Well here I sit, another sleepless night. I think I might have gotten an hour but 3:15 am now and my alarm will go off in an hour or so so i grabbed my coffee and back to the boards for relief in some small manner. I wrote her a love note tonight and I hope she can see the true message of love in my heart and mind and wanting to rebuild what we once had. More importantly though I hope she can see it will be worth our effort to. I think shes convinced now, or at least I hope she is, that the real man she married is back and waiting for her but I know she has doubts whether I will be that way for good. I've already taken steps there by setting aside past emails that I will look at on a regular basis to remind me of things not to do and just as important of things to do so it will never come close to this again. That it wont be a perfect fairy tale the rest of our lives but that it will be what we were both looking for when we met and thats as close to a fairy tale as life can be. It pains me to know now that she doesnt know if shes IN love with me anymore though. It's just another step further away she has become. Thats a very hard part in all this. Some steps she seems to get closer but others further away and thats what gives me a sinking ship feeling. We've had sex and she said it was good since she has moved out but then all of a sudden she said she couldnt have sex with me. It brought emotions into it she is not wanting now. Emotions, good or bad, are what makes the heart beat of a marriage. I know right now this is not a marriage and the way I treated her (and her me at times) has made this not a marriage for awhile now. Sex was just many of things that gave us such a strong bond and I know it will again. Yes it detiriated during all of this and was a major problem for us that has caused all this but not entirely just that by any means. It was both our strong resolve from the start to give each other what we needed to fill the love banks that has bonded us so tightly. I wish i would have known then about love banks instead of just realizing thats what I was doing before. Her bank overflowed and maybe that has come to hurt things now with it being totally empty but it was not a bad thing by any means. I want to overflow it once again if she will only allow that. It was all right here on this site for me to realize and I was stupid (understatement to say the least) to not see it before now. She knows I understand so much more now but feels it would be giving into my control to let it move forward enough at this point to save our marriage and she cant put herself in a position to be hurt again. I can respect that feeling she has because of the past but at the same time I know my resolve now would not allow that to happen and thats why I have taken steps to remind myself of the most awful event that has ever taken place in my life. Never before have I lost something so dear and special to me and the majority of the blame for losing it is on my blindness and stubborness to name a couple of things.

Dino,

Take great pride in the fact that you still live together. I wish that was my case right now and i know if it was things would be totally different. I long for chances at any type of intimacy with her now and that would even include sitting accross a crowded room. Be strong enough for both of us please. I'm a weak man right now and the only thing that can give me strength is her love and it seems it will be a cold day in hell before i get that again. If it werent for the steps further away from me and our marriage that I see her taking, the steps she takes closer would mean so much more and give me more strength.

You sound as committed as I'am at repairing the hurt and rebuilding your marriage. Stay committed my friend and maybe we can help each other through this and save both our lives.

We have counseling tonight together. I go every week to work on things I need to improve and she comes for a joint session every other to help work on me and us. I still have yet to decide what I would like to bring to work on and truth be told I really dont want to have a list just yet. I want to work on the things she needs first and foremost. I guess thats the giver in me right now and maybe not the best thing for the total package of repair of this marriage but its a sacrifice I feel I should make in a better effort to show her my changes, dedication and comittment to her, our love and our marriage. It's hard to talk about negative things that have happened but yet they need to be talked about and communicated for healing and rebuilding. It'll also help too because I'm taking notes (writing them down after) and saving them for future reference so this never happens again. Part of what I'm doing but she has yet to have faith in. Are there other things also that shes not saying because she wants or needs me to realize on my own? Thats a very rough part of it. The only thing I cant seem to listen to at this point is that she needs space. Hard to imagine giving more space when we're separated and I have no idea where she lives. I'm just working so hard on this right now and I know for a long time she was the only one that worked on it and that has been our ultimate downfall because it takes 2 to make it interdependent. I dont want control, I want love, i want the feeling of being alive again when we're together because i feel so dead when we're not. It's that feeling alone that will drive me to never let this happen again and thats just the start of what I could list. She never thought she was my rock but she is. I, too, was her rock at one time and will be again if she allows it to happen before its too late (if it already isnt). I have faith and belief it isnt too late because of my resolve to save this marriage, to bring the fairy tale back alive the best we can. I hope she sees that now and lets me prove it to her. I have always known i could never hold or love another woman like i have her. That I could never look so deep into someone elses eyes and feel the connection I do with her. Why did I let my love for her blind me into not seeing her love for me was fading????? Why did i turn my back on her????? there's probably a multitude of reasons but one thing is for sure and thats that I didnt truely listen to her needs and wants and supply them to her with my love. NEVER AGAIN WILL THAT HAPPEN!!!!! What an idiot I became, what a moron I have been. I hope she has enough compassion and love in her heart to bring her back to me before its too late.

Well it's day 1 of the no contact rules. We made an agreement in order to give her more space last night at counseling to not contact each other on mon. wed. and fri. and sat. being a floating day. I want to give her all she needs but it's so hard knowing that today will pass and I won't be able to tell her I love you. I made a vow to myself when we said it for the first time to each other that there would never be a day for the rest of my life that I would not tell her those words. I have to break that vow now. I'm hoping I can give her even more and not contact her on thursday either which would mean then I would have to wait until saturday. I don't want to do that though but I need to show her I love her in every way. It's hard when all you want to do is love someone and you can't for whats felt as the better of things. How can this be better for things if I can't say I love you? I guess on those days I'll even be a permanent fixture here on my lunch just to get by without hearing her soft voice. We talked last night on the phone for awhile though and I would have talked all night had it not been for the fact she had said she was tired earlier so I didn't want to keep her up. It finally came out that she has been looking for nsa. It tore me up inside and out but I know she has needs, we both do and I have put my on hold for going on 2 months now for the better of our marriage and to help save it. I can only hope she realizes that. I don't know how I'll make it knowing shes looking but ..... I don't know. Right away she mentioned putting the divorce thru now. I've known since last week though and I've still been doing everything I can to save this marriage. I know she can't believe in that right now because she says that she can't but if only she would realize this is real, this is love, this is the connection every dreams of having in their life. If only I wasn't so blind, if only I never said the things I didn't mean. So many things said that weren't true. They were said just in anger and I've learned now you just can't do that in a marriage. You have to walk away which is what I tried to do so many times and it made her feel like.....well I don't know but I would assume like I was walking away from her. I wasn't. I only didn't want things to be said that weren't meant. Well it's back to work now. I'll be back later tonight for sure just to get thru the day without telling her I love her.

EZB, is your W having an A? No, I'm not asking you for her answer to that question, I'm asking you if you've done your own investigations and confirmed that she is not involved with someone else.

All of your comments about her wanting space, the way she's reacting to you, not knowing where she's staying, etc. scream active WS to me.

If she's an active WS, MC is likely going to be a waste of time and money.

I can say for sure she is not having an affair. I haven't investigated no. She needs space because she needs to be her again. It might all sound cliche but truth is I made her feel like I was critizing her so much that she stopped being her. She was afraid to be her because then I would hurt her with words and critisism and I would take my love away. I did it to her and I hate myself for that. It started out as me helping her and before I even knew it I was ripping her down all the time instead of loving her like I should have been. She can't put emotions into sex at all right now. I hurt so bad right now and it's not because shes not here. It's because of all the pain and hurt I caused her. She's my sweetie and she didn't deserve any of that. We were so connected and I ripped us apart. I just want to find that connection with her again and I know we can. We had something so special from the start. Why was I so arrogant, why didn't I protect her feelings.
I will not give up, I will not let my soul mate get away any further and never again if she does come back.

You cannot say for sure if you haven't investigated.

Yes, it does.

Your W saying that she loves you but is not IN love with you is a red flag. All your efforts will go unnoticed if there is another man in the picture. And not being in contact with her for multiple days of the week will not help your cause at all.

Well if thats the case then I made my bed. I'm convinced it's not because of our deep connection and for how long she stuck by me and what I put her thru and she was still there. Right now I will do everything to save our marriage so I can prove to her she can come home and we can heal. I know it's not too late. She has stopped the divorce and changed it to legal seperation maintenence. This was after she had already put the divorce on hold after I showed improvements. I know she still loves me deeply and she hasn't been able to yet open herself up for fear I would just hurt her again like I did before. I won't this time though and time and love will prove that.