have posted before and found friends and support here. Night out with H last night ended in me walking in on him on the phone to OW at approx. 3am ( it's a blur). I screamed, shouted, hit him, told him to go to her. Phoned OW myself and told her to collect him (a/phone, she didn't answer of course.) I expect these are all major love busters! We've been trying to recover from the revelation of the A since 06.04. Attended our first Marriage Guidance session on Thursday. He said, 'It's over, get over it'. In the cold light of day did he mean the A or the marriage? I've not heard from him and am lucky to have loving family near by to turn to. I am in so much pain and feel physically sick. How can I go on? Any words of support would be a help.

oh honey, im so sorry. No advice to give but [[[[hugs]]]]

I'm sorry you're at this place, but from what I've learned, if there's any way for you to get the old H back, you will have to expose the affair to everyone who matters - family, friends, church, work, and all the same on her side. Have you done that yet?

feathers,

my thoughts are with you. no matter what happens you need to know that you will get through this and in the future return to a state of happiness. so many of us have taken this path of pain and i have seen many outcomes here where the path eventually leads to happiness either with the WS or without.

Feathers, I am so sorry this is happening to you.

My husband just left me on Friday, so we are in similar situations. It is so hard, but we can get through this. The wonderful people on this website will help you- they have helped me so much already.

I don't know what else to say, other than get the books, read, read, read, and post on here and you will receive support. Try to take things one day at a time. I am so sorry. (((hugs)))

Thank you all so much. We are spending a week apart,H trip was already planned so seemed a good time to take stock. I have now found emails with much more evidence of A, the extent of their contact and their plans. Do others feel exposing the A to all is the way? I've so far only told Mum and Step Dad. All family are very fond of H and having to build back relationships with all may be to much. H has said 'don't let me go' and he doesn't want it to be over. I don't know what to believe. All contact with OW will stop, he says but he's told me that three times before.

I have exposed the A to everyone who might have any influence over my H. The only people left are OW's mom and OW's father. I am scared to do that. LISTEN to the advice the people on here tell you. It will help you! Expose the A! You need support too.

Well, here I am again. H is away for 24 hours, and I see he is emailing OW. Barely 24 hours after telling me he would stop all contact. Why didn't I make him tell her that there and then? I've emailed him too, not to say I know, just to show I'm here. Do I need to accept it's over? I don't want to do that, but all evidence is pointing in that direction. I can't keep fighting for our marriage on my own. I know I deserve better. I'm angry, a bit, but I'm so tired. I don't even have the strength to be angry anymore. Why does he keep making a fool out of me? the only reason I can see is that he has no respect for me anymore. I know he's tried, but he's not tried that hard, not even 48 hours worth of trying. I don't know what to think, but my instincts are telling me to stop wasting my time.

Feather: That's your survival instinct kicking in and that's what you're gonna need to survive this mess.

I have been wallowing for months in the self-pity of my situation. How could this man who has been my best friend for 20 years, actually hurt me so badly? I have made 4 months of changes to "appease" him to our marriage. I changed my look, my behavior, my activities, and on Saturday he announces he really hasn't given me full effort towards repairing our marriage. I have been busting my A$$!!
I have now slipped into that survivial mode and whatever H chooses, now I know I will be okay. He is not the center of my world, I AM! (look under WADEALLIE for my story)

Yes, you need to expose to EVERYONE. Hah..even our barber knows! At first you feel ashamed because you're husband had an affair on you and you think people might blame you, but they don't. Funny thing is they usually realize it's your H's fault before you do.

I tell you I'm starting to turn around too. That's a powerful message and I wish you every happiness, you seem a strong, confident person. I'll learn from those words of support, thank you

Feather:
I'm glad my words can help. Up until this past weekend I was the biggest "basket" case. I had regular meltdowns. My little world and everything I thought I had was a joke and I didn't know how to pick myself up and move on. I guess REALITY has a way of kicking you in the rear!

At some point I hope I can pick myself up and move on from all the lies and disappointments. I know that life does go on and it's up to me to make the best if it that I can. I just hope my grief doesn't last too long, it's been long enough already.

MJ63:

Up until last week, I was a ranting and raving woman ready for the mental institute! I had regular meltdowns. Gee...most of last week was a meltdown and I was attacking H with my anger and grief. He was getting sick of me, I am sure. I was NOT strong at all!


Then OW googled me and read my postings. I think I scared her because she phoned. We spoke which was civil, but I think that is what finally just snapped me out of it.


I talked to H and discovered he has not been giving me his full 100% cooperation to recovery. Wasn't sure 'why'? Says he thinks often of OW still. He has agreed to give me the next month to REALLY put in the effort. He is speaking to his IC about what might be starting his triggers. This thing is never ending and then now....
I have OW actually emailing me with christian websites to ease my pain and asking for forgiveness. I was polite and responded that I could not forgive her but maybe God could. Today another email. She thinks it's unfair that I can forgive H but not her when it's the same sin. UGH!

Ok, so tomorrow, I'm gonna pick him up at the airport and we're gonna talk. His bags are already packed because I think I know the way it's gonna go. He has emailed me this week but his email tonight was pretty cool and he's addressed none of the issues I've raised. His email to her however, is pretty hot, and he is worried about her concerns, and thanks her for being understanding! I don't want to let on I'm intercepting emails obviously, but I know he won't agree to end all contact, so my only choice then is to end it for him isn't it? If I kick him out, he can't hurt me anymore. I want to try the marriage builders way, and I have again and again, but I'm trying alone, how long am I supposed to be made a fool of by these 2. They're getting their cake, eating their cake, and baking cake in a cake shop! And I'm the only one suffering here. The post about trying again really gives me hope, but I've told him I'll support him through this, I know how hard it must be, the only effect it seems to have is to give him the green light to carry on the A. Yes I'm scared. But why should I be taken for a mug? My plan is, for the last time, to ask him to send the text to end all contact. He won't .So what then?

feathers,

as i understand it the MB way only begins when the BS decides they can live with the WS actions. If you cannot live with it and wait it out, maybe leaving is the best thing. that is your decision to make. it sounds like it is the shortest path to end your pain as he will certainly drag it out for awhile. of course you are the only one that can judge if the pain is worth waiting. no matter what, you are not alone.

Thanks SBS, I guess that's my decision isn't it? How much more pain can I, or am I prepared to take. Right now, I'm thinking not that much. Why should I work so hard to save the last 13 years when he's making no effort.

Feathers, please read the following article on plans A & B. It's true that you can't recover your marriage until the affair has ended, but there could still be hope. Maybe plan B is an option that you haven't considered?

What are plan A and plan B

Whatever you decide, I wish you well.