My first post in general but there seems to be some really useful stuff in here. H has been away since Monday. I know in that time he has been contacting OW via email, even though on Sunday he said he would end all contact. He flies home tonight and I want to meet him at the airport. Responded pretty much immediately to his email but he has not replied. I fear he is planning to spend the night with OW and am desperately trying to stop this. We agreed to take the time of this trip to think about what we wanted, on Sunday he was afraid I wouldn't want him back (on Saturday he had left and stayed with OW but returned Sunday am). I'm afraid he will ask for a divorce when he sees me. I was contemplating plan B but we haven't talked about the needs the OW meets that I am not. But am scared I won't have the chance to fully put plan A into practice now. Should I just turn up at the airport? I think this is the only way I can stop him going to her.

feathers, have you exposed the affair? Is the OW married? Do they work together?

So far only to my mum and step dad. I thought it would be harder to rebuild if all family relationships had to be rebuilt too. Since taking that decision I have discovered he has continued to contact her every day while away this week and is saying he will phone and see her as soon as possible.
She is not married and has no children.
They don't work together.

Ok, I could be a little off here, but isn't this against the law. At the very least, by the board of the therapy? Or something like that?

feathers, then I would notify his HR department and his supervisor immediately. What he is doing is a gross violation of business ethics that could leave his company legally liable.

Is there anyone else to whom you can expose? Any close friends, siblings, key people in your lives?

Let's see if someone else agrees with me.

His employer should be notified, regardless, feathers. If he is using his professional status to exploit clients, then his boss needs to know.

Nobody is at risk here, he gives massage, that's how they met.

feathers, do you have Surviving an Affair? Have you read this book and understand the dynamics of adultery?

Here is a good outline of Plan A:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

So he is a masseuse?

That's helpful, thanks ML

My son is a licensed massage therapist. Here are excerpts from the ethic standards sanctioned by the state for massage therapists. I'm sure it's similar in every state:

Section 1. Code of Ethical Standards for the Massage Therapist. A massage therapist shall:

(3) Report to the board if the massage therapist has first-hand knowledge or evidence indicating any unethical, incompetent, or illegal act has been committed by another licensee.

(4) Take precautions to do no harm to the physical, mental, and emotional well being of clients and associates.

(8) Respect the client’s right to treatment with informed and voluntary consent, either verbal or written, and to refuse, modify, or terminate treatment regardless of prior consent;

(9) Not initiate or engage in sexual conduct or activities with a client;

(10) Not engage in an interest, activity, or influence that conflicts with the practitioner’s obligation to act in the best interest of the client;

(11) Respect the client’s boundaries with regard to privacy, disclosure, exposure, emotional expression, beliefs, and client’s reasonable expectations of professional behavior;

(12) Refuse to accept gifts or benefits, which are intended to influence a referral or treatment that are purely for personal gain and not for the good of the client;

(13) Conduct all business and professional activities with honesty and integrity..... (emphasis mine)

feather, your mission is to make as much trouble as possible for the affair. That means exposure, speaking to your H about your pain and doing your best to create conflict in the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy because they are FANTASIES. When you expose them, the fantasy begins to fall apart.