Welcome to MB. I do not often say this but since you are not married to this man yet please RUN DO NOT WALK away from this relationship. You have no idea the stress, heartache and expense you are heading for by marrying him. Engagment periods and dating are your chance to get to know the true character of the person you are considering marrying. He lied to you for 3 years. IMNSHO he failed the test. (((angel)))

Angel,
I'll reiterate my comments on the welcome thread. I'm sure you love him and want to see the best in him, but sometimes you need objective opinions to help you make the right decision. He has shown you that he is untrustworthy, by lying to you and keeping you like a pet for 3 years. You know that you cannot trust his family to act as a moral reality check for him. And you know that he will never be able to go "No contact" with the OW because she is the mother of his child.

I know it hurts, but sometimes you just have to cut your losses and chalk it up to a learning experience. If you decide to marry this man, you are signing up for a mountain of grief and pain.

It is too late. I have already decided to stay. I wanted to find a place where I could get support and opinions on how to make my marriage work, but I guess after looking for months for a place to belong, I was wrong again. I don't have any place where I belong. I guess I will have to learn as I go and do this on my own. Thanks anyway.

Angel, you don't have to do this on your own. The problem is you are going into a terrible situation with your eyes wide open. It is very hard for people to support you doing that.

Angel,
I'm sorry you feel that way. This board supports healthy marriage building, and based on what you have written and the literally thousands of stories here, there is no basis for a healthy marriage here. The people on this board have "been there, done that, and got the t-shirt". If you want more opinions than just mine and and faithful's, post your story in the General Questions II board. Sadly though, I doubt you will because you probably know that the advice you get will be much the same. The people here are not jaded and angry. They are just realistic.

At the very least, put off the wedding for a year and implement the boundaries, such as total honesty and transparency, that you can learn about on this site. At least work on rebuilding your trust of him before you rush headlong into this marriage. If he really loves you, he would not begrudge you another year of engagement. Please think about it.

My fiance of 3 years told me about a week ago that he has been cheating on me and now the girl is pregnant. Im completely heart broken and have no idea what to do. Im sure he says the usual things like im sorry and please give me another chance and ill dedicate my life to making it up to you. The thing is i still love this man, we have all of our things together, we have a house, cars... I believe him when he says he is sorry and that it will not happen again i just dont know if i can deal with this situation and the fact that she's pregnant. He will still need to talk to her and even help her through the pregnancy and when the child is born. i need help i dont know what to do. I am a christian person and believe in true forgiveness and that we are all humans and make mistakes and sometimes they are BIG. HELP!!!

Lorena,
While your situation is well-suited to the pregnancy/child forum, you will get many more responses if you post your story in the General Questions II forum just below this one.

My advice to you is the same as the advice I gave to angelnmo. Please post your story and solicit some other opinions in the GQ II forum.

Lorena,

Does your fiance want the child in his life? If DNA proves the child is his, he does not have to have contact. He could just financially support the child. Have you thought through the full implications of child support, your future children etc? BTW, WHY would he have to help her through the pregnancy? There should be absolutely no contact between your fiance and this OW. Once the child is born, DNA established and then court ordered CS and visitation (if he wants contact). He does not have to see or directly talk to the OW. He should not ever be alone with her ever again or the A could likely reignite. Do you really want your fiance going to doctor visits with her? Attending the birth? These are all possibilities you will have to face. Please, please think it all through before marrying him and having children with him.

Hello Lorena1,

I am in a very similar situation. First you must ask yourself if he is worth it and if you still love him. Don't listen to his words of sorrow and promises of making it up to you. I have learned that if you make the decision to stay with him, then let his actions speak for him.

In my case, I dated my man for several years before we got engaged. Legally, we weren't married, but in my heart we were. I didn't need a piece of paper to tell me that this was my husband. I'm not sure if you feel the same way, but if you do, you owe it to your heart to stick it out. Just like alot of the wonderful people on this board think that they owe it to their marriage to try to work it out, I think that if you feel married to this man in your heart, you should try to do the same.

You have a tough road ahead of you, I'm not going to lie. Your love for this man and his willingness to atone for and become the man that he should be will be greatly tested! You have to be strong and sure of your love for this man. Some feel that going into a situation with eyes wide open is crazy when you can turn heel and run for safety. I feel just the opposite. Going into this situation with eyes wide open gives me an advantage. I can prepare for what's ahead and fortify my resolve before the battle begins. And believe me, there will be a battle!

You do have one advantage over me. Your man told you about the pregnancy before the baby was born. Now both of you can join together and deal with this situation together. It will either tear you two apart or solidify your bond with each other forever.

I can give you advice based on my own experiences, but you ultimately have to make the final decision.

If you want to hear how I dealt with my man and the baby, and some opinions on how to deal with this delicate situation, let me know. I will tell you one thing, if I had to do it all over again, I would in a heartbeat, just to see that look of unconditonal love and admiration I see in my fiance's eyes.Again I stress, It wasn't easy. At first I went through a roller coaster of emotions, sometimes all in a single hour. I became depressed and lost weight. There were times when I wanted to cover my ears when he told me all the gory details about his affair on the side. But I knew that I had to put myself through this to see whether or not I loved this man enough to go through this terrible ordeal. I know right now it feels like your whole world has come to an end. You may feel physically nauseous and sick. That's what these types of message boards are designed for. You need to build a strong support system of positivity. Aunts, a priest or minister, a close friend, you need to lean on them now more than ever!

Now that I look back on the 1.5 years that I have been with my fiance' after D(discovery) day, I can see that our bond is stronger than it has ever been. Sharing a tragic event seems to have one of two effects on people. It draws them closer or tears them apart. In my opinion, you owe it to yourself to be able to look back on this (whether you stay or go) and be able to say that you gave it your best try. Take care and I will say a prayer for you.

Oh, and I want to add a few other things. Now that you know about the pregnancy, you and your fiance' need to sit together and come up with a game plan. You should lay out what you are and are not willing to put up with from your fiance. He should tell you what he is willing to do and what he can't do. Then make your decision accordingly.

I thought that it would be a great idea to let my fiance be involved in his child's life. I didn't want him to hold any resentment in his heart against me for making him decide between me and his child. But that's just me. If he expresses no wish to be in contact with the child until she is grown enough to seek him out, then great. But, it is his decision. Whatever decision he makes, if you decide to stay with him after that, then you must support him. If you don't think that you can do that, then walk away now. It is for the better.

As far as how much involvement he should have with this woman and her unborn baby, this is my opinion and is what is worked for me and my man. He paid 3 visits throughout the pregnancy. The first, when she went to find out about the sex of the child. The second when she went to the doctor to find out about the health of the child. The third and last time was when the baby was born. Anything else, and you are doing it for the woman, not yourself or the baby. Be prepared, because this is a tactic that she will employ to her full advantage. She may suggest lamaze classes with your man, regular and routine office visits, phone calls at all hours of the night, etc. etc. This is not necessary and is only a ploy to get your man to bond with her and her child. I know it sounds cold, but her wellfare is not your man's concern unless it may have an affect on their baby.

I know I am getting wordy, so I will cut it short. Again, take care and God Bless!!

Angel, You are giving very bad advice to this woman. By no means should her fiance go to SINGLE doctor appt with that woman nor should he attend the birth.

Lorena, you need to decide what you boundaries are if you decide to stay with your fiance. With each boundarie there needs to be an action if the boundary is broken. Again, NC with OW until the child is born and DNA is established. Why would you encourage contact when there is no proof the child is his? Are you going to take the word of a woman that will sleep with another woman's man?

Lorena, if you read this please email me killenme2004-MB@yahoo.com

It has been so great to read words of advice from woman who have been through a similar situation. My fiance has always dreamed of having children, he says he was born to be a father. He complete regrets what he has done but we both know there is nothing we can do to change it at this point. The OW has serious issues, she is not taking care of herself as she should knowing that she is pregnant. I know she is using that to still be close to him. He feels that since this woman his holding his child which is so important to him he has to make sure that she is taking care of herself. The other day it was like 3 and she had not eaten anything! He called to to see how she was feeling and she told him that and he felt obligated to get her some food. I dont know how to deal with those types of situations. He has told me "tell me what you want and expect from me and ill do it". I know he is going to have contact with his child when the child is born and i guess i can deal with that but i dont know how to deal with the pregnancy. He knows her and therefore knows she is careless about her health and taking care of herself and he's afraid that she wont take care of herself and that will cause a negative affect on the baby's health and wellbeing. I feel just like you (angelnmo), i feel that just because we didnt have that written paper that said we were married didnt mean that we didnt feel like it. We have talked and cried together and discussed how we got to this point, why he cheated and how we might be able to deal with this. I have not decided to get back with him but i have forgiven him for cheating on me. Despite what he has done and the betrayal he lies and all the hurt that i have inside i know he is a great man. Please tell me how you have been able to deal with this and what steps and boundaries you had to set. Thank you!

lorena, you are never going to have peace as long as this OW can manipulate your fiance into "taking care" of her. She is an adult, he cannot take responsibility for what she does or does not do. Either he leaves you and commits to her and that child so he can make sure she eats (and I don't buy that one bit) or he commits fully to your relationship which means cutting off all contact with OW until DNA is established. Allowing this to continue is setting the stage for him and her to walk all over you and your boundaries. Please do not do it. If this continues you will be dealing with a second OC in the future. Mark my words.

Lorena

I'll jump in here with my two cents worth as well. Your man doesn't know if this is his child. He is not responsible for the well being of this OW. She is, she will never change. If the child turns out to be his then she should prove it through DNA. Until that point he should have absolutely no contact with her. He should have no contact after the child is born until he is served with paternity papers to prove he is the father. He needs to go talk to an attorney now so that all communication between the OW and him takes place through legitimate channels.

If and when the child is proven by DNA to be his, if he wants contact with the child then all contact must be arranged through a third party. The OW will claim in court that you are unfit to be around her child. The two of you must be united together in all decisions. You must provide an united front to the OW so she knows that she may not contact him and try to reestablish their A.

If he feels that she won't take care of herself now then how will she take care of the child after it is born. If he is proven to be the father and she is unfit by his standards you have two choices, live with it until she hurts the child, fight for full custody (unlikely until she hurts the child), or go complete NC. It's her child, she chooses to have, and keep it, he is proven by DNA to be the biological father, and financially supports the child through court ordered child support.

But if you want your relationship to heal, then he goes NC 100% with the OW until the DNA and legal system mandate otherwise.

Best wishes

FTS

Lorena1, I do agree with fled the state's legal advice. The advice I was giving was based on the assumption that paternity has already been established. Yes, I agree, that both of you should wait until paternity is established before reaching out to and having contact with this woman. But it sounds to me like your man is already sure that this is his child. I would sit down and talk to him. Ask him how he really knows that this child is his. Tell him that you ask these questions because you are concerned about his emotional well being. Would your fiance want to stay involved in the pregnancy only to find out later that the child isn't his. That those precious months he spent wasting time and energy in the OW, he could have been working on your relationship? I stress, he must establish paternity, whether the child is his or not. He must protect himself and your future family together legally and financially. Once concrete proof has been established that the baby is indeed his, then you do have some tough decisions to make.

The advice I give is based only on my experiences. I do not claim to be an expert or know all the answers. All that I can do is present my story to you, and then you may seek professional or expert advice and make your decisions accordingly. I guess what I'm saying is that I can only tell you what we did and how it worked for us. Each person is different and I am only presenting one situation for you to draw your own conclusions from. I am by no means advocating what I think you should do. There will be many who will disagree with what I have to say, and some who will agree. I am just a woman reaching out to you with my story.

This woman is manipulating your fiance in the best way that she knows how. She is using his paternal instincts and his concern for the unborn child (who may be his) to try and pull him back into his life. This is what the OW tried to do with my man.

I know it is hard to entertain the thoughts of the tricks these other women will do to get the claws into our men...as you continue down this journey if you stay in this realationship and find your support with others who have been thru this...nothing will shock you with what they do.

And that is all she is doing....playing her tricks....pulling the pity me card.

The pregnacy time is the time to focus on the two of you...that is the time for you to put each other first and make the R strong....very strong so it can be able to handle what the future will bring...

That means this time is the time that it is a must...you have to go completely NC with her.... no matter what she says....no matter how much she whines...

It sucks that she has to go thru the pregnacy alone....but that is the choice she made for herself by sleeping with a man that is in a commited R....he has no reason to go to any dr appointments, to feed her, to the labor room, that is being there for her, that is NOT being there for the OC

Hun your R needs to go completely NC until the baby is born and DNA is done and says he the father....the boundaries need to be set now....for you...for your R....and yes even for the OC...because laying the boundaries now...giving your R time to heal and become strong....removes the drama later...and gives the OC a better life....

Put your R first for now....letting her put her claws in the R now is only going to cause it to fail or a lifetime of misery....

Going NC right now is the only way to make it all work out for the best in the long run

In the beginning it was very hard Lorena1. My fiance was alone throughout the pregnancy. He did know that the baby was his early though, because she agreed to go to the doctor and do a DNA test early to prove paternity. I know that this is a rare case. Most women will refuse to do a DNA that early because they will say that it may harm the fetus. I guess in that respect he was lucky because he didn't have to go nine months wondering if the baby was his or not.

My fiance was given this advice by a loved one. "if you love the woman that you are with, then you will make all efforts to console and reassure her". If this means minimal to no contact with the OW until the birth of your baby, then so be it. This is the bed you made, this is your cross to bear. Don't be selfish and try to make a family with the OW out of obligation or regret. You owe it to the woman you love to be there for her 100%. If you cant sacrifice what you think is the ideal relationship between a father and his baby, then you shouldn't stay with your fiance. If she asks you to give up your baby for her, then you must decide what is most important. The love you have for your fiance and your future family together, or the obligation that you have to this OW. If you decide that you can't give up your child or carry on minimal contact with the OW, then you should do your fiance a favor and leave.

He took that advice. What he did was go to the appointment to find out the sex, again when they checked to see if the pregnancy was going well, and finally when the child was born. That was it. I am not going to lie and say that she didn't fight him every step of the way. She tried every trick in the book. Wouldn't eat to make herself sick so she could play on his sympathies for the unborn child, make him feel guilty by calling him an unfit dad, calling his family and saying horrible things about him (i guess hoping that they would chastise him and make him do better), pretend to have pains and call all hours of the night, etc. etc.

What he has to understand is that this is a grown woman. She chose to have this baby, she chose to go the path of an unwed mother, now she must take care of herself. Trust me, this woman will not harm herself to the point of losing the baby. This baby is her only link to your fiance. She will not sever it by doing something so stupid as to purposely lose the baby. Try to make your fiance understand this. This baby is her meal ticket and her only hope of getting her claws back into your man. Shame on her, but in my situation, this is what the OW did. Luckily my fiance understood this and told the OW as much.

After D day, I told my fiance that I needed 3 weeks to wrap my head around things and to do some seriously soul searching to determine if I wanted to go down this hard journey with him.Again, I am not telling you to do this, but it is what worked for me. Once I had committed myself to him, we sat down and came up with some ground rules. Communication was key. Since we knew that the baby was his, and I had decided that I could live with him having a relationship with his baby, we decided that minimal contact was the best route.

Again, I am not saying that you and your fiance should keep in contact with the baby, but this is what we did. I felt that this was his child and he had a right to be with the baby. It was not the innocent baby's fault that the parent's didn't think before they carelessly brought it into the world. Also, I love my man very much, and have grown to love this baby, which is a part of him. This may not be for you, but it is what worked for me.

We sat down and wrote some rules that we would follow. We mutually agreed upon how and when he could contact the OW to see his child. There were many other things that were agreed upon, but my post is getting long, and I have to cut it short.

Please let me know what you are going through. It helps to vent and have someone that will listen to your story. If you are like me, I know that you must feel all alone in this. You are not alone. If you decide to go the route that I have chosen, let me know. We can share stories and experiences and just vent to one another. I can't give you professional legal advice or professional counseling advice. What I can be is just another woman trying to make a life with the man I love and sharing my experiences with someone who is in a similar situation.

Yes, exactly thunderstorm. I agree with most of what you said. My fiance went to those 3 appointments more for his peace of mind. He wanted to know the sex of his child and whether or not the baby had any birth defects or other health problems. As for him going to the ER for the birth, he did that for this reason. When his child is old enough to understand, he wants her to know that her daddy was there for her birth. That even though he was no longer with her mother, she was not trash. She (his child) was important enough to him for him to show up for her birth. I'm not sure if this was the best course of action, as it seemed to fuel the OW's fantisies that he still cared for her, but this is what he did.