Hello,

I thought I'd post here also, I've been posting on 'general', but I need some help to know how to get past this.

I know it's not a physical affair, but it's killing me just the same.

I found out that H has thought of other women, while masterbating at home alone. We've been having troubles for awhile, but at least he's never been involved with anybody else, and our sex life has been very good. We've been married 10 years and are currently separated, his idea because of the stress of fighting, etc.

Our sex life has always been the one area that I felt safe with, satisfied and that I had a special place to share with him. Now this is tearing me apart inside. He's admitted to masterbating with magazines a few times, but who knows how often it's been.

He told me it's been when he's been angry with me over something.

Even before this, I've told him to please come to me, when he wanted that need filled, I've never turned him down, but found out that occasionally, he's fulfilled it at home alone. I told him to please hold off and come to me. He said he would.

Three things happened 3 nights in a row, just recently. First, during foreplay, he was telling me how (the women before me) didn't look like they had big breasts, but when naked, they were very nice. Like I WANT to hear that before sex with him!

Second night, I tried talking to him at home, and he didn't want to. I found out the next day that his ex-wife called him and woke him up and they talked 1/2 hour. He hates me waking him up to talk. Luckily, she lives 3 states away and is living with her boyfriend.

Third night, the discovery of what he's been doing with the magazines.

I have to mention that I'm a Christian, and I believe as God does, to lust after a woman, is having done what is in the mind.
So to me, he's cheated. And it's just crushing me. I can't seem to look at him, talk to him, and he's very angry with ME. HE is angry, and that's even making it harder on me and hurting more.

So here I am. Hoping to find some ways to deal with this now.

Thank you for listening.

This may not help much, but I have a similar situation. My husband uses magazines and porn to act out when he is upset about something. He told me that it's because he is emotionally upset, maybe because we haven't communicated or he hasn't felt heard, etc. He told me it has nothing to do with his desire of me and it's not physical. That's frustrating for me because if it's physical, I think I can fix it and just be there for him physically, I don't ever turn him down.

Anyway, there must be something else going on there that he is turning to this addiction. Perhaps he has always done this and you didn't know, recent events are stressing him, etc. Maybe some reading on Sex Addiction might help a bit. He is going to have to want to make a change himself though before you will get anywhere because it's different than being in a relationship with another person where fog is involved.

Good luck.

I would feel the SAME way you are feeling. However, this is the battle ALL men face. It is not a problem on your part, but theirs. Any unredeemed man will struggle with this. It really takes the help of Christ to live a redeemed life. Many men think it is okay because it is such a strong natural impulse that many things trigger their sexual drive. Sight, smells, sounds....

A man CAN train himself to avoid triggers - IF he WANTS to live a pure life. My husband will not talk to a woman he thinks is attractive if he can avoid it or even hold his breath when walking by someone that smells great. That may seem extreme, but his desire for our marriage to remain pure from outside influence is extreme. Get your husband the book - "Every Man's Battle" by Steve Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. This was beneficial to my husband.

My suggestion would be to be a little more supportive if and a little less defensive. You're right - it is VERY hurtful and disgusting - but, keep in the back of your mind that this is the card men were dealt. Some are better at submitting it to God and some are better at hiding it. I send up a prayer for you.

Oh - men also have no filter sometimes. They dont realize the things they say in passing can scar you forever (the breast comment). That was inconsiderate. But, men are simple. Really. If he is committed to you and the relationship and to God, he should be open to looking at resources to help your marriage thrive. God Bless.

AS:

I emphathisize with the pain you are feeling, but, frankly, if you consider a man masturbating to a Playboy centerfold as "cheating", then, sorry to say, you'll never find a man who won't "cheat" on you.

AprilShowers:
Please check out www.newlifepartners.org You will find better responses and healing on this subject and won't be judged at all, only understood. I can't believe some of the responses you got to this in Gen Quest II! It is so very misunderstood. Give it a try sooner than later...

"I emphathisize with the pain you are feeling, but, frankly, if you consider a man masturbating to a Playboy centerfold as "cheating", then, sorry to say, you'll never find a man who won't "cheat" on you."

Sorry to pop ur bubble of excuses where men are concerned, But there truly are men out there that refuse such lustful behavior for reasons Higher Above as well as their wives!!!!!!!