I posted the following on prayer requests but nobody at all replies, so I'm posting it here too because I really hope someone will see it and resond with prayer or some words of help or advice or something. Why won't anyone respond? I don't understand. But here goes again. I've been lurking on this forum off and on for over a year but not posted anything. I probably wouldn't now, except things are really falling apart, coming to a head or crisis or whatever, and I know there is no answer without prayer or God's help. How can I distill the history into a few words? Impossible, but I'll try.

My boyfriend and I are two adults, upper forties, early fifties respectively, both divorced (he for two years, me for nearly twelve), living together for a year-and-a-half after knowing each other only five months. Old enough to know better? Yes, of course. But our coming together seemed almost divine providence then and now, and our initial attraction and affinity for one another was so strong, the circumstances seemed so 'right' that we brushed aside all questions and hesitations in a manner worthy of any two foolish teenagers. And yes, we met and came together while he was 'on the rebound,' considered that, and ignored that too.

Now, broken and damaged people that we are, with two lifetimes of pain and struggle behind us, we have found that old ways and habits, old wrong methods of coping, old hurts and scars and emotional barriers rear their heads when we least want or expect them to, and are tearing us apart. Our love for each other, and our true desire to be good for each other has yet kept us from breaking up - so far. But it's getting worse. Last year after an awful fight I found this (MB) website and tried to suggest its principles as something new and different, something worth looking at as a possible way to try something new. But his mind was and is closed to it - says he doesn't need some new set of rules rammed down his throat. I still see this approach as having hope if we could only try it, but things are getting worse and we are getting farther and farther apart. Both of us are to blame, between us having repeatedly committed every one of the "love busters" and failed nearly all of the other requirements of meeting each others needs and making our 'love bank' deposits. I have an especially bad problem with pms and the horrible mood swings it entails, not to mention coping with symptoms of menopause, losing my job and not being able to find another comparable, watching my savings dwindle and my financial independence be threatened, and having to deal with my beloved youngest son being discharged from the military on the eve of deployment because he's gay, among other challenges of the past year. He has not seen nor spoken to his children in over two years, both of them having turned against him (with encouragement from their mother) as a result of the divorce which he initiated for reasons he believed (don't we all) were compelling, and is still dealing with other repercussions from his divorce, and other issues, though the more they chew on him, the less he seems to want to share them.

Yes, we know the problems are huge, and we have both made awful mistakes, both in our pasts, and together with each other. Yet we still love one another very much and feel in many ways that we are meant to be together, if we could only find a way. I can't imagine ever finding anyone so perfect for me in nearly every way, and he says the same. And I really think we could make it if only we could 1) define this relationship and decide whether or not to commit to it, i.e. get married, though that is the proverbial "elephant" in the living room no one mentions. He says he is "not ready" in the best manner of the frightened male. I say it too, to save face I guess, but I don't really mean it, though in the past I thought I never wanted to remarry. But now, knowing my BF, loving him as I do, I really would like to, to really try for once to make it work like it's supposed to, (but I'm afraid if I tell him that he WILL leave and I don't want him to go); and 2) if we could seriously approach a marriage with the outlook and tools MB provides.

I'm sorry this is so convoluted and confusing. It's so impossible to describe a relationship, let alone all the other peripheral issues surrounding it, in so few words, though it feels like I've rambled on forever here. But please, if anyone reads this, pray that the God we believe brought us together in the first place will help us through this time of conflict, will help us stay together, and help us to do it in the way that's best for us, for each other, for our families, and in accordance with his will. Please please pray for us, that we don't throw away what, at my/our age seems like it could be our last chance to finally get it right. God, I know we've done everything wrong, but please pray there's a chance for us and we will be shown the way to take it. Thank you very much.

<small>[ February 28, 2003, 12:01 AM: Message edited by: Byrd50 ]</small>

Byrd,

I have said a prayer for you. My belief is that you both need to go to counseling to get over all of your old unresolved baggage from the past. You can't move forward even if its been a long time if you don't resolve the past.

Good luck to you both.

Jill

Thank you jillybean for responding and for your prayers. I'm more grateful than you know. Also I hear what you're saying, but there's an obstacle for us in going to any kind of counseling, even if I/we thought it would really help, which is quite doubtful. My bf and I are both pilots. To someone who doesn't fly it may not seem like a big deal, but the FAA will ground anyone who goes to a counselor, they say it means you're mentally unstable, etc. Flying is too important to each/both of us individually, and too important to us as a couple, to jeopardize it in any way whatsoever. So the only kind of "counseling" we could ever seek would be "unofficial," like a minister or volunteer or something who doesn't keep any records. And since we don't go to church or know anybody like that, I don't know what else we can do. I still believe/think/hope that God can find a way for us, with faith and prayer.

hi! also having problems with a live in. try online counseling or phone counseling if "actual" can not be done becaouse of your job. hope everything works out. need to here good words now just found out my live in cheated. kind of saw it was going to hapen wish i would have found this web sit sooner.

Thanks for the encouragement, Insearchof. I appreciate it, I really do. I will look into the online option. If you have any suggestions, I'm open, I'd really like, though, to find someone who approaches relationships like this (MB) does - it's such a new and unique way to look at things, imho.

My heart goes out to you too. It's so hard as a live-in, isn't it? to address these problems, because like Dr. Harley says, you don't really have a leg to stand on when you're just living together vs. being actually married. Some things are 'understood,' like being faithful, but if your live-in cheats, then what? You can't say to them, "You promised," because they didn't, and yet the betrayal hurts every bit as much. I hope you can work things out too.

I do pray alot for you two and know exactly what your going through! I am on my second marriage but have felt my husband and I slipping apart more & more each day. I am going through severe depression with all this but I do not want to tell my husband how I feel as he will just get upset and we will get into a huge fight so I just keep everything to myself. I have tryed to go to counseling but he won't let me anymore as he said it is tooo expensive and we just can't afford that!! So I can pray alot for you but I am sorry I can't be more help!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

It sounds like you have a lot going on. Please try to be good to yourself (at least a little) during these trying times.

My H and I lived together for 5 years prior to getting married (1st marriage for both). I won't pretend to know what you're going through as we did not have all the challenges of old wounds to face.

My recommendation is to find counseling for yourself, even if HE won't go. Get yourself on some firm emotional footing and it will probably be easier to deal with the issues in the relationship. I must say, though, that it concerns me greatly that he does not want to be open to working on the relationship in new ways. "If you keep doing the same things you've always done.. you'll keep getting what you've always gotten."

Good luck to you.

Thanks karla and myschae for the prayers and encouragement. They must be working because things are better than they were. One thing I have realized is that (for very valid reasons I won't go into here), my bf is having a very hard time moving forward in his own recovery from the divorce. It has to do with his children, not feelings for his x. He was the one who initiated the divorce, but the repercussions have not been what he expected. I have to remember that I had ten years behind me when we met, he only a few months. It's just going to take him awhile, and I do need to be patient about that - healing can't be hurried, it will take as long as it will take. But as I said, things are better now, so I will keep waiting and praying and hoping that we can make this relationship work - it's definitely worth any effort.

Hello, I read your post and was deeply, saddened, moved and I offer my prayers and support to you and yours. God has surely heard your cries and seen your tears and he will not abandon us in our struggles, whatever they may be. I am going through some rather emotional difficulties with my live- in boyfriend as well, and I pray that I have the strength to let our love for one another and God's unconditional love be in control of whatever we go through. Be strong, be diligent in your prayers, the power of prayer can move mountains, and I believe that God shall bless you and your family and give you the comfort and peace you need to make changes for the better. Much love and suppert. Heidi

He feels guilty and heartbroken about the loss of his family. The loss he initiated.
He is tormented by the absence and companionship of his children.
He probably misses the good old days.
He probably regrets not being with his loved ones for holidays/anniversaries/special once in a lifetime events.

weddings
graduations
performances
birthdays
grandchildren
award ceremonies

He is missing all of those things.

Sadly, there is nothing you can do about his loss. It is what it is. He turned away from his family in order to pursue some personal goal(s), and this is the price he pays. It's hefty. It probably will never go away completely.

His compelling reasons to leave his family behind probably don't seem as important to him as his losses become more real every day.

He will be sad, perhaps for the rest of his life.
He wishes he could go back and fix things rather than leave his family without fixing things.
And I suspect, he does not feel he can tell you that he misses his wife terribly.

He made a mistake. He has deep regrets. His pain is served by his guilt. It has nothing to do with you.

This may not be the happiness you dreamed it would be.


Pep

Can it ever develop into a good marriage?

It Better!! Been two years now, the man asked me to marry him last year, but won't set the date.

sigh...

Hi, Byrd50! Please know that I am praying for you. As far as counseling goes, counselors are bound by law to keep their clients confidential. There is no way the FAA would find out you are in counseling unless you choose to tell them. I would highly recommend that you seek counseling, even if your live in does not. If you find the right counselor, it will work! You may have to kiss some toads before you find the frog, but a counselor who is well suited for you is nothing short of a gift from God.
Also, I don't want to sound judgmental in any way, but I can't help but make a comment on your prayer request. I think I come to prayer from a different perspective. Rather than asking God to work in a certain way in my life for specific outcomes (such as staying together with someone), I feel more comfortable praying for God's will to be done. I come from the perspective that His will is perfect, not mine. Even if I don't like His will, I know in the end, it will always be for the best. God is the Alpha and Omega-the beginning and the end. We can't see around the corners that God can. Asking God to limit Himself to what we want rather than to His will may not be the best thing for us in the end.
If you do decide that counseling is not for you, there are some great online resources I often refer to. One of them is www.goodtherapy.org. There are therapists that blog on this site all the time. There are many, many aritcles and blog entries involving relationships that you may find helpful.
Whatever you decide to do, I am rooting for you!!! Turning to God to help us in all our situations is the best thing for us-you've already got that one down!

I'm doing the math here and it seems as though you have been together since his divorce? Was he having an affair with you? Or are you a rebound? I hate to seem negative, but if either is the case it doesn't look good. This on top of all the Pep said is a huge hurdle.

Yes it can.
Wife #2 and I lived together for 10 years after our separations and divorce.
And have been married over 15 years.