I managed to get WstbxH to pony up for half the car rental I had to take when he renegged on lending DS his car to pick up the kilts for the wedding last week. He gave me the check this morning but I only just looked at it now. He's using the old checks from our joint account (I had my name taken off the account). He's crossed off my name and address and added OW's name next to his.

In other words, he's going to control her the same way he controlled me. If anyone hasn't followed, my decision to D was made largely because of the financial shenannigans I discovered when looking for evidence of the length of time the A was really going on. All these years he's blamed me for all of our money problems and I always believed him. But when I really looked, it turns out that he not only spent way more than me on a monthly basis, he also had a habit of withdrawing large sums of cash periodically that he couldn't recall what for (come on - who withdraws $4000 at once and forgets????).

Perhaps I should send OW a thank you note for taking him off my hands?

Tabby,

Yes. Years later, many of us can look at the pain of the A and how we dealt with it and it dawns on us that it was actually a blessing. OW actually did me a favor, I can see that now. BUT, it is the children who suffer most in D. As adults, we can not only survive but thrive, but our kids may not ever be fully over it.

You are absolutely correct Starving. My DS is grown but the whole process did not leave him unscathed. OW has a DD7 who is thoroughly messed up. I feel for that kid.

I thank God I did not have any children who had to suffer the consequences of this failed marriage!!!

It has been a long time Tabby, but I am so glad you are doing well! I too am finding myself happy about the divorce from STBXWH. I did actually leave a note on my Facebook page, thanking him (and her) for doing what they did.

Unfortunately, with all of the credit issues I found (debts I knew nothing of) I had no choice but to file for personal bankruptcy. (I also found WH had done the same months before, and that meant all of the debts that were left went unpaid for too long... surprise for me!)

I have not seen/spoken to him since last September, and let me tell you, when I got the papers for divorce, I felt the greatest sense of relief. I cannot wait for the paper to come telling me I am free!

Tabby, I'm torn between puking and cringing that he's crossed off your name and written in the OW's. WHO does that?!?

What a picture of how he really views marriage. And if I were OW, I'd be really upset. People aren't interchangeable.

But, can you imagine being on the receiving end of such a check? The expression on a store clerk's face must be amusing.

Hey, Nowheretoturn, how are things going! I also find I've started to anxiously await those D papers. The only reason it's taking so long is my own stubbornness. I figured since I did the LSA, he could do the D, especially since the D is rather meaningless in this neck of the woods anyway unless you want to remarry which I don't. For months he pressured me - I was the only one who could file within the year since he'd committed adultery - but I wouldn't do it unless he'd agree to sign it off with OW's name as the AP. There is no advantage to me or disadvantage to them if her name appears on it. In fact, she would get served with the papers as well and she could actually sue me for libel, so if anything it's a risk to me. Anyway, long story short, it would have made me feel better to see her officially and legally recognized as the ultimate destructor of my M and family, even it is just a token and carries no weight. But now that his time is up he can file himself, I'm just sitting here waiting to be served and wondering if I'd have been better off just filing myself before.

I could have filed as well, but it would have required the OW's name being posted in print for all to see.

I decided in the beginning that if he wanted to end it all, he would have to pay. I wasn't shelling out a penny. So, the year is up, and he filed. I tell you, the relief was amazing!

Oh the joys of being Canadian!

How long did it take from when he filed to when you were declared divorced? Did you actually "get served" with papers? (as WstbxH likes to threaten me with as if it is something to be afraid of). Though he hasn't said a word to me, I can't imagine that he hasn't filed yet - it's been almost a month since our separation date. I'm just curious as to how long the process takes.

Have you been served with a piece of paper?

What happened was this guy knocks on my door, and hands me a sheet of paper which told me a divorce petition had been filed against me.

It lays out what he wanted from me, which was only a simple divorce. There was no splitting up of property and such, because he told me to take it all when I was difficult a year ago when he wanted a separation agreement.

So, basically, he petitioned to have a divorce. Nothing else.

It took a year in order for either of us to file, because I had no actual proof of adultery (cell phone records only) and that is the law in our great country.

I have one month to file an answer, meaning that if I want to dispute anything, I have one month to do it. In my case, there is nothing to dispute because he only wants a divorce. Actually, my month will be up tomorrow!

So, then it also says on the paper that it may take up to 3 months to have the case heard in court. Maybe sooner because as I said, there is no dispute.

When divorce has been granted, we will each be served with a paper saying it is done.

In order to remarry, you will have to have your divorce papers sent to you, as you will need them to file your new marriage.

That is what I know about divorce. I did some reading on Canadian websites to find out all the dirt.

I tell you, when I get that piece of paper, I will be a happy woman.

Oh... and just an update. I found out about the OW finally. I know where she works, who her friends are, etc. I also found out STX is NOT happy in his land of make believe. He is completely miserable! In late July last year, a friend of his came to talk to me... asked me if things were really "over". By that point, I had decided (after finding out some stuff) that I deserved much better and knew that no matter what, I would NOT take him back.

So... he is still with this girl, apparently, because otherwise, he would have no one. Sucks to be him! :P

Thanks. I really wasn't sure what to expect. My first divorce was 20 years ago and I was the one who filed. We had the whole trial and the works over custody but in the end, I gave him enough rope and he hung himself with it (couldn't be bothered to stick to judges interim orders for visitation so judge awarded me sole custody - he promptly abandoned his son after that). I recieved my divorce certificate in the mail quite some time later.

This time, like you I didn't want to have to cough up the money for it and I already had a signed LSA dividing property. DS is an adult so neither of us have custody. WstbxH would have signed off if I simply checked the adultery box and left the "give details" space empty. I probably should have done that but at the time, I really wanted to put her name on a permanent legal document.

All I know about WstbX and OW right now is that they must be heavily in debt. They used all of their separation settlements to buy furniture for their apartment (including 9K on a dining room suite!!!). Then they bought a house with a 40 year mortgage and nothing down - cashed out all their RRSPs for legal fees for the house and fighting OWH for custody of OW's DD. Then the renovated the kitchen AND the bathroom. They've had AC installed and they bought a washer & dryer for $3000. This is what I know - God only knows what I don't know since I don't talk to him and DS doesn't see them very often. Oh, and he makes 1/2 of what I make, and she makes about 1/2 of that, so their total income is far less than what he's been accustomed to. Oh well.

I found out after the fact just how much debt STBX had accumulated in our time together. I found out about credit cards that had been canceled by me, but all it took was a phone call by him to re-instate them.

Yep. Turns out he filed for bankruptcy last April, which was right after coming home from his brother's wedding AND leaving me. He also cashed in his RRSP's to pay off his work account. I found out after the fact he filed, and found out just how much debt there was (I knew of the stuff that had not been hidden from me)

Because he filed in April I had creditors track me down 6 months later... found out the hard way about bills being left unpaid for so long. After contacting a trustee to find out my own options, she suggested I file for bankruptcy myself, because there was no viable option to restore my credit.

His discharge should have occurred this past January, but because he had cashed out his RRSP's and had spent some money on the trip for his bro's wedding, they deemed his bankruptcy as fraudulant and he now has to wait for a discharge.

Needless to say, he is not a happy camper. Last I heard, he is no longer living with OW. But, I honestly could care less anyway. As long as I get those papers and no longer have to deal with him, I am more then happy with life.

Funny. One year ago, I was completely in love with him. Once my own fog lifted, I started to see him for who he REALLY was. I hate what I see.

A man didn't knock on my door to "serve" me....I got a certified letter in the mail..I had 30 days to answer it and our meeting with the mediator for custody was shortly after that...it was probably a good 6 months before we ever started talking details of settlement and that took us 14 months or so to settle AFTER the 6 months only because he was being a butt!

HA HA - this is exactly the way it happened for me. I found out all the dirt when I went through old bank statements. I only did it to try and figure out what our bills were since I was taking over the house, and to see if I could get any clues as to how long the A had been going on. I could go back 18 months at one bank and 12 months at another. The results were shocking! I think I said earlier, in one month he withdrew $4000 cash. This was in 1 $2K withdrawal and 2 $1K withdrawal. The only reason the money was there was because we had just received our insurance settlement on the car DS totalled. He told me he used the money to pay down our line of credit. So I checked that bank and in 12 months we had never paid a penny over the minimum payment which is interest only. Then he made up a bunch of rediculous lies about it - eventually claiming that he "couldn't remember" what he spent the money on!!!

Fortunately for me, I had a separation agreement written up within 3 weeks, checked by a lawyer and signed within a month of D-day. So this absolved me of any of Wstbx's debts, gave me the house, all of it's contents, money for DS's tuition and left him with next to nothing (which he signed for willingly because at the time, all he wanted was to move in with OW asap). So whether he declares bankrupsy or not it won't make a difference to me.

AGE, are you also in Canada? Here custody and property division is handled by the LSA which you can write yourself, have written by a lawyer, go to court or whatever. It only has to be signed by both parties and a witness to be legal. Even people that go to court for divorce are actually going to court over separation. The actual divorce certificate is meaningless in terms of these things. It is good only for remarriage and that's it. Most people do the LSA first, but it can be done afterwards as well (often the case when it goes to court). This is why I don't feel like I am still married or that I should not be dating as many others on this board do because my LSA is equivalent in all regards to a divorce in other jurisdictions, with the one exception that I can't remarry.

Considering I have not seen my STBX in at least 7 months, and have not spoken to him in about 9, I too consider my self as "not married"

If it were at all possible to have gotten the divorce earlier then the one year required by laws, I would have done it last summer.

I am currently dating the most amazing man. One who is completely honest, trustworthy, and respectful. He is a breath of fresh air in my life.

Life couldn't be any better for me now. It sucks I had to go through what I did to get here, but I wouldn't change it for a thing.

Tee hee... it just gets better. Went to a conference last week and had to miss my baseball game. Some of you may remember that I play in the same league as WSTBX. It just so happened that the game I missed was against his team. I got home to discover he'd called the next day. He called the night I got home as well with his usual excuse about looking for DS's phone number. He was all apologetic about missing DS's birthday (I wasn't even aware that he had yet). Then, at this weekend's game, he showed up without OW (he's come with her twice but according to OWH she hates it - he missed all the other games when she didn't come). Sure enough, we get a rain delay. He's promptly on the cell phone and I overheard people snickering that he was asking permission from "the warden". Well, most people ran into the community center but a few of us went to our cars and "tailgaited" while the rain passed (passed around watermellon and gossiped about the top players etc.). His car wasn't anywhere near the rest of ours but doesn't he try to squeeze up into the crowd under the trees. Among this group of people are a couple who used to be good friends with OW and OWH and now still hang out with OWH. So he hung around the outskirts of the crowd but he was clearly not included.

Later somebody asked me if he was getting tired of living in a police state. I'm not sure what they meant but I can surely imagine.

BTW, I did ask him about the divorce papers when he called and he still hasn't filed them. He is still under the impression that I have to sign so maybe I will. I just don't want to appear too eager about it in case it prompts him to rethink the LSA (which still could be challenged in court for up to 6 years or something like that and I would like to sell my house in the coming year).

It's fun to see him squirm.

Oh, and one other thing. I found out OW's car takes premium gas. It's $1.34 per litre for regular here today!

That's over $5.00 an American Gallon!

However you aren't required to put the premuim in the car and more than likely your X is footing the bill.

However the thought of my X being unemployed and having to fork out $4.00 a gallon just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside as I can afford the cost without blinking.

It's $1.40 for regular here Tabby. Which is why I run across my border into Michigan to fill.... WAY CHEAPER!!!