I have been with my H for since we were teenagers. He had been a controlling person from the start but I thought that all the attention, jealousy, and possessiveness was very flattering as a young girl. Little by little he took over my life until I felt like I was just an observer in my own life. Now it seems pretty horrible doesn't it. What is so confusing is that he could be the most wonderful person in the world-- he is smart, generous and truly will be there when the chips are down however when he does not get his way, or just if something annoys him he will explode!! His rages had left me so scared that all that matter was how he felt not how I felt about anything. My whole life centered around trying not to piss him off. What has even more difficult is that every day the things that would piss him off would change so I was constantly on my toes. For small offenses he would call me names like the "C" word, even after I told never to call me that again. Things got physcal every now and then, but not on a really regular basis. The emotional and verbal abuse was something I lived with every day though. It got progressively worse. Eventually I ended up having an affair, which I am so ashamed of. He said he forgave me, but he put me through hell from day one--no real forgiveness. I became SEVERELY depressed and suicidal. He did take care of me but at times he also tortured me with words and sometimes it got very physical. After the last incident I got up and left and have not been back in several months, though we talk every day and I have visited him on occasion. (I moved to another state). He is very very good at promising me the world and has been exemplary when we have been together lately. He wants me to come back and give it another try. I am afraid that once he feels like he has gained back control that I will REALLY be in for it. I feel very bad for him in that he is lonely, but he is extremely successful and has a lot of wonderful collegues who want to help him through this. I can't help feeling so bad and I am being persuaded by him to give it a chance, which would mean giving up a job I love, friends and family support, and an apartment which i also like. I just don't know what on earth to do! He yells, screams and cries when he feels hurt that I am not home with him. Please help me! I am in counseling but he refuses to go. He thinks it is nonsenses. Sorry this is so long.

I think this shows us all we need to know.

Yelling, screaming, and crying are not the traits of someone who understands what you need, and who will give it to you. They are the actions of someone still trying to control you.

Refusal to attend counseling is another BIG SIGN. I believe he won't go because he knows the counselor would see through him. In other words, he isn't ready to change, and he doesn't want to hear that he needs to change.

If you go back now, you will be back where you were, or worse.

I hope you continue to go to counseling so you can understand what was happening, and how to prevent it in the future.

SS

I agree with what's already been said and would like to add that my experience with people like this is that they want to win and will do anything to lure you back in order to "win" in the relationship. It is all about who is in control and right now it sounds like you have done an excellent job in taking control of your own life and your H probably can't stand that.

The only way I can see it ever working out is if he got SERIOUS therapy, on his own for his issues with control. This would need to happen before you ever got back together again. Otherwise he might just go along with it to get you back, but never really mean it. My ex and I went to five different counselors together but each time he would agree to try what was suggested in the sessions but then would tell me on the way home that he would not agree and that they didn't know what they were doing.

Sometimes you really do just have to move on.

Agreed, do NOT go back unless he has been through at least 2 full years of counseling and can tell you what he did wrong. Most abusers can't even recognize the abuse.

Please please remember that this is all a game to him. You are nothing more than a possession, a thing that he wins out over. In fact, when you give him 'trouble' like this, it gets his blood racing and it's even more fun to turn on the charm and pretend to be Prince Charming; he's trying to see how hard he has to work to get you back. It's a game.

I'm proud of you for leaving; most women never do. BUT I have an assignment for you. Please go to your library or book store and get a book called "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It really is the bible of abuse books. You really really really need to read it, so that you will be able to recognize - and fear - everything he does to try to get you back.

My D17 dated an abuser last summer for 2 months, broke up in August. He is STILL harrassing her by convincing all her friends that he's an angel and she was stupid to lose him; he even has befriended her previous boyfriend to gain more ground. It's insidious. Count yourself lucky you escaped with your life.

Just for kicks, go over to Emotional Needs and read a thread by youngandlearning. We've been trying to get her away from her abusive fiance since last October, and she's still waffling. It's very scary how they can invade your mind.

But PLEASE read that book!

About fifteen years ago I was married to an abusive husband. We were together for ten years before we even got married. When he got mad, he called me names, pinned me down and pulled his fist above my face, or he would just tell me how much he wanted to beat the [censored] out of me. I spent my life letting him control me and I worked very hard not to piss him off. I was on egg shells most of the time because his violent behavior would come on so unexpectedly. He always blamed his rage on something I said or did. Always. I used to cringe when I’d come home from work and see his truck in the driveway. Whenever he calmed down from his rage, he would spend the next few hours telling me how sorry he was and how he would try to be better. Usually it would make me cry and I always took him back. I’ll never forget the look on his face during his rage; I was absolutely terrified of him. I tried several times to leave the relationship, but he would threaten suicide and even homicide (he owned LOTS of firearms).

Something I noticed in your post is that you didn’t mention that you love this man. If your situation is anything like mine was, I know I didn’t love him either. In fact, I detested him, but I was afraid to admit that to myself because I was paralyzed from fear. With the help of a counselor, I was able to separate from him. She gave me a book called “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” that helped tremendously.

One thing this man did is wreck my self-esteem to the point that I didn’t think I could manage on my own. He convinced me for years that the world would swallow me whole if I left. But, I managed to do it, and built my self-confidence back up by taking care of myself. I learned to take care of my own finances, my car, my apartment, etc. (I was very young too when we first got together). After spending time on my own for a few months, I knew my marriage was over. I absolutely did not want to go back. I had new friends and I had a fling with a new guy. It wasn’t serious, but it gave me the boost I needed to file for divorce. The divorce was very messy and I lost almost everything (he kept the house), but it was worth it for my freedom.

We divorced in 1996 and to this day, I still have nightmares about that man taking me away from my family and holding me in a cage in his house.

I have learned that he has retired from his job and he is remarried with a new baby. I also learned that he got a lot of help from a therapist after I left. I am ok with that, in fact, I’m relieved that he is happy so that I no longer have to feel guilty for leaving him. I realized that as long as he and I were together, he was not going to break his old patterns. He was completely obsessed with controlling me and there was no way he was going to change that.

Does any of what I’m telling you sound familiar? It’s very possible that you used the A to break free from him. I know this is a marriage builder’s site, but I wonder if it’s time for you to break free for good.

-Mrs Z

Another thing to remember is that typically, your family and friends may indeed have an idea what's going on, but are afraid to say anything to you; or they have, and you have defended your H, so they stop. I have found that many victims of abuse feel shame, that they have let themselves get in this position, and embarrassment. And fear that they can't go back to their families and friends and admit what happened.

But know that your friends and family WANT you to leave and be safe, and are rooting for you to do so. They will welcome you back and understand, if you tell them the truth.

Yes that all sounds very familiar! As far as loving him, i am not really sure. I love the good parts of him if that makes any sense. My friends and family do know now after all these years. they always knew that he took me away from them, literally. I am extremely confused because I feel so guilty leaving him alone. he has abandonment issues from childhood and I feel like i have brought all that back to the surface for him. I am relatively happy where I am now, of course I do get a little lonely sometimes as I have never lived on my own in my whole life! I was with H for more than half my life, so the transition is weird and so is thinking of completely cutting him out of my life. That makes no sense to me at all with what he has done to me. I am a caretaker at heart and I think that that is giving me a little trouble doing what I know is best for ME. I also feel like I have spent so much of my life worrying about what he wanted that i have a hard time knowing what I want now. I feel very lost most of the time

Hi catperson, i have read the Lundy book and every other single book on abuse that is out there! I see him on every page! I feel that he has done such a number on me that I can't even think straight sometimes. I really want to disappear--go somewhere and be anonymous, which would mean giving up a profession which makes me a decent living because it a licensed and i could be found that way. I feel like if I could just be completely out of contact with him with him having no starting point to find me I could "deprogram" myself. it is pretty drastic but maybe it is something that would help. I just don't know. he thinks I am coming back soon, so that adds to my guilt. Sometimes I just give in and say OK because he is crying in agony and I don't know what else to do. At that moment I want to stop the agony. But I am still in agony...I think all these years i have been programmed to think that his needs outweigh my own, that I didn't really matter and that I was solely responsible for eveyrthing that went wrong in his life even when I wasn't around! I think I am going to re read that book though, I may be in a better state of mind to absorb it now. Thanks!

When you have firm boundaries and he realizes that, he will leave you alone. You may have to get a restraining order to help keep him away.

I had an abusive husband years ago. I had to rent out my house and move in with strangers to escape. He STILL stalked me at work. After two trips to jail, he got the point.

If you are a caretaker, there are thousands of volunteer organizations that need help. NEVER do your caretaking with an abusive man.

See if you can find a women's support group to help you get stronger.

Stella,
I feel weird giving advice because I'm so new here, but I know exactly what you're going through because I went through it. All I can offer you are some insights from my own experience.

I know exactly what you mean about feeling guilty for leaving him. My ex knew I felt guilty and he played on that by talking about suicide, or he would just cry and beg and plead for me to stay. He was a big man, and watching a guy like that cry would crush me. And, it immobilized me.

Just know that he is using your guilt to control you and the more you break away from him emotionally, the more desperate he will become. At some point, his desperate attempts at keeping you in his grasp will anger you to the point that you will lash out at him. Your guilt will be replaced by that anger, and that will help you distance yourself. As you continue to care for yourself, you will become defiant. You will become stronger and stronger in your resolve because you will come to realize that you can take care of yourself. I really think that you are in the first steps of breaking free. It will be lonely, but it will get better. You will start to take up your own interests, read, go out with your friends, and feel yourself become stronger and more in tune with your identity. I found that going to church was enormously helpful during this time. And lots of prayer helped. I found that reconnecting with my spiritual self was a way to pull out of the darkness and I didn't feel so lost.

It will get better. There will come a point when you will stop owning his emotions.

-Mrs Z

He would also need to go to anger management before you could even think of going back to him.

If you go back now, the abuse will escalate, and you will end up seriously injured or dead.

At some point your issues with the affair will also need to be addressed. Stick around, and when the time comes you will get great help here with that.

But right now you have a leg amputation spurting blood. That has to be fixed before we can help you with the heart condition. When you have dealt with the immediate abuse issues, and are able to think more clearly and evaluate yourself better, then we can look at what weaknesses in you allowed you to have the A.

Welcome to MB.

Also you should not be having him over for the weekend. Limit your personal contact time, because abusive and angry people will use opportunities like that to try and manipulate you into doing what they want.

With you being out on your own and away from his control, his anger could escalate.

I have been through quite a bit of domestic violence training (not because I am violent), and have seen it time and time again working in the field.

Mrs. Z, thank you for your reply. You understand. I do feel like I own his emotions or at least feel responsible for them. I hope I can get angry enough to stop feeling the guilt. It has been so hard for me to get really angry. I am hoping that I can get past this slump and not give in. I am hanging in there pretty good so far. this forum helps and it helps to hear others stories and opinions. thank you!

AJ, Thanks for your advice. you seem to be pretty well educated on the matter. Any resources you might know of would be great any way of handling this and/or conveying my boundaries to H would be great.

Neal, The weakness in me was probably needing emotional connection. not a good reason, 2 wrongs don't make a right. I would love to get to the bottom of that after we work on "my amputation"! I love that! thanks

so much of what you say reminds me of my own husband. except, he was the one who had the affair and not me. your posts (and others on the this thread) really gave me the perspective i needed this morning. thanks for that.

i wish i had more to offer, but i'm in a bit of stupor here having just asked my husband to leave, so i'm at a bit of a loss for words...

good luck to you.

LostPixie I am so sorry for what you're going through!!!