I just found out my wife was cheating after 31 years of marriage. Explicit texted messages on her cell. I confronted her she admitted it and said it was over. She said he didn't want to see her anymore. She sounded disappointed. She said, he felt to guilty, as he knows me. It went on for 8 months. I'm certain my wife per sued him. I live in a small town and was concerned with the entire town knowing and being humiliated, she said know one knows. I called the man she was with knowing that I would see him around town, not wanting to hang my head every time I saw him. I thought it would be best. I was civil and told him he must not have loved his wife as much as I love mine when she cheated on him or he could never have done this to another man knowing the pain. He cried and kept apologizing. He also said that no one knows. I asked him to take that knowledge to his grave, he agreed. Things where really good at home all this time, I never suspected. What I can't understand is that I'm not angry at her or him. I'm not angry at him because my wife went after him and I believe he truly feels bad. I'm not angry at my wife because I love her so much and can't bear the thought of losing her. She seems to be truly sorry but I don't see the level of sadness and disappointment and grief that I'm experiencing. I cry 4-5 hours a day When she is around all I want to do is hold herWhat should I be feeling? How should she be acting? We are both a young 50 years old.

I'm so sorry this happened to you this is the worst pain you'll ever go though. I can't tell you what you should feel you feel what you feel and it is always right so please don't try to question your feelings. This secrecy is concerning her Affair could renew as long as its keep hidden at the very least you should tell the other man's wife she should know anyway.

The OM is single. He ended up divorced as a result of his wifes affair years ago.Thanks Chris

Has your wife figured out why she felt entitled to an affair? You said everything was fine in the marriage. How did the affair get started? And you realize that they can never have contact again for any reason, right?

I'm not sure at this point that she fells entitled, but initially she she blamed it on our past. I have become a changed man in the last 3-4 years. My friends at this point are probably tired of hearing how wonderful my wife is and how much I love and owe her.

I don't know yet how the affair got started and was wondering when and how hard to press for the info.

She does know that there can be no further contact and I don't believe that the OM wishes to have any contact either.

Your response is encouraged. Thanks.

just hang in there bud, things will be better. I am going through the same feelings. I been separated from my wife for the past four months. I suspected that she might be cheating and I don't want to believe that idea. She seem a little more cold and shrude to me now than ever. I think a lot of this is cuase by the fact that I just lost my business. But she feels that I have been emotionally neglecting her. I am trying to repair our marriage, I sent her flowers and post card every weeks. She now tells me to stop doing that, it's a waste of money especially that I am not even working. I can't stand the thoughts of loosing her or seeing her with another person. I spend most of my alone time crying, I am now in counselling and she's paying for the session, so that makes me feel that she still love me. Remember you're not alone we are here to help each other out. Just hang in there good luck with your future together

New info. I printed out "Requirements for recovery" and true hearts letter
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1836779#Post1836779

left it on my ww's night stand. When she came home from work she read them it but didn't say much. When we went to bed, after about 5min she blurted out "we never said we love each other" I said, I tell you I love you all the time, but she was talking about her and the OM. She also said she never ever uttered one bad word about me. She said the OM even asked her why she was doing this and she responded with I don't know. Is it possible that she really doesn't know? I began to ask her questions about the A that she would not answer before, she answered quickly to anything I asked. I have more to ask now that I have thought about it. How much should I know? Explicit details? Whats the recommendation? I'm trying to give her a break today, between working all this time, not sleeping, and the emotional nightmare I can see she is exhausted. I feel much better because I believe she truly has realized what she has done and if I know I have a chance to win back her heart, it's enough for me. Now I hope you don't think I'm being a sucker. I'm watching and listening closely. I have went through just about everything I can think of where she may have stashed things related to the A. I searched her purse and monitored her cell phone since D day and I told her would be doing it. She doesn't even use her cell phone anymore and has quite taking her purse and cell to work. I feel our situation is better than most. The A had ended before I found out. She feels rejected by the OM Which I hope helps her to forget him. The OM cut it off and I have talked to him and I don't believe he is ready to move on. We have been married for 32 years and it's hard to hide sincerity from each other and I believe she is sincere in wanting to fix this. I know,I know, the 32 years didn't help me know she was having an A. I was my blind trust and love that allowed it to happen. She is quite aware that there is no trust now and is willing to accept it (so far). Now my goal is to find out why it happened. I was a selfish [censored] most of my married life, not mean or abusive (I don't believe)but I did pretty much what I was going to do without regard to her feelings. The last three years or so I have change a lot. I started telling her I love her all the time became very affectionate told how beautiful she is (she is), maybe to little to late. Our kids (3) have all left home. Our son joined the military at 18 years old (2 years ago) and was the last to leave. In last few years my wife has been much more concerned with aging. Probably to concerned and I believe this may have been a reason see if she was still attractive. She just had to prove it. Husbands are supposed to say there wife is beautiful thus not giving it much weight when they do. I think these may be some of the thing that drove her to do what she did. Who knows? The bottom line is. I do believe that when this is over we will enjoy each other more than we ever have. So maybe it will be worth it.

(( h8nlife)) So sorry you find yourself here...

Just to let you know, if you post in GQII, you will likely get more responses as that forum has much more traffic.

Have you considered calling the Harleys for counseling? If I was in your situation, I would do it if I could afford it. I've heard it is very much worth every penny.

Was a NC letter sent? In my case, my H told his OW by phone that there was to be NC, but if I had it to do over again, I would have insisted on a NC letter.

Have you learned about Emotional Needs and Love Busters?

Once my H had gotten through withdrawal (you have read about withdrawal, right?), we got "His Needs Her Needs", the audio version so that my H could listen to it on his commute to/from work.

We both really enjoyed it. There is also some "Surviving After Affair" information in HNHN which you will probably find very helpful. I really don't think anyone working on Recovery should skip this step...

This is a very emotionally trying time for the BS, so please try to take good care of yourself. Hang in there!

Hold your head HIGH and walk right passed him. HE is the one who should be hanging his head in shame. You did nothing wrong, they did.