Relationship abuse is a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maitain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. An abusive relationship means more then being hit by the person who claims to love or care about you. Abuse can be emotional, psychological, finacial, sexual or pyshical and can include threats, isolation and intimidation. Abuse tends to escalate over time. When someone uses abuse and/or violence against a partner, it is always part of a larger pattern to try to control him/her.



What a powerful statement I found and one I had no concept of before. If you see yourself as being abused please keep in mind thee abuser might or might not know this is really happening. I know I didn't. I would suggest if it's happening to you and your to the point then write it down/print it out and leave it for your SO. It might be the wake up call they need to change things and see things differently.

Hey ezb.

What a good post for the definition of abuse. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage in the past where my H thought that as long as he didn't physically hit me all was OK. Boy was he wrong. He was very manipulative and emotionally cruel and I finally had to leave the marriage.

Sometimes I think that emotional and mental games and cruelty can be worse in a way than physical abuse because you can't report it, you can't call the police and say "my husband (or wife) is being mentally abusive and get any help that way. I know I had family and friends who would say "well at least he isn't hitting you". I appreciate the post because it validates my past experience. Thank you.

Did you post this strictly as information or did you have a specific thing you would like to discuss?

Your welcome.

Just as basic information and for me realization on my part I was being abusive and not loving.

My D17 has taken on a service project to educate girls about abuse, ever since she dated an abusive guy last summer. It was such an eye opener for her. What was funny was that the day she broke up with him, I told her exactly what he was going to do, the cycles he would repeat through in an attempt to get her back (surprise, anger, remorse, begging, belittling, back to anger). Sure enough...about 50 calls, emails and texts within an hour or two, all rotating through that typical cycle of abuse 'styles' - i.e. they keep trying all the ways until they find the one that works on you.

Anyway, I've been awash in books and studies about abuse this year, and the one thing that sticks out the most is that the emotional abuse is much, much worse than physical abuse. It's easy to get people to help you if they see bruises. If you complain that your husband tapped his foot at you, they look at you like you're nuts. Laughable to them, but to you, it brings on a wave of fear of worse intimidation and a sudden desire to avoid displeasing him, further debasing yourself.

Thanks for that post.

Your welcome. It hit home for me and hope it helps others.

The cruelest part about emotional abuse is that I am not so sure that's what happened. And I don't have a sane person on the other side helping me to process what happened in our M.

I live with a foggy past, a broken heart and so many questions. What I have now is someone who is a monster and I blames me for everything and is the victim in all this.

Then there is the other side of is it really abuse or just another part to the wayward mind. And that saddest part is that I simply don't know and wonder.

I feel like I am crazy and have no touch on reality.

Would you care to explain? I'm an H with a WW for some emotionally abusive behavior so maybe I can help with a warped perspective of my own. I understand a lot more now.

My WH is passive-agressive, manipulating and controlling. When D-day happened almost a year ago, he said he wanted something more than to be married to his best friend and walked out the door.

Turns out OW is a twice divorced crack addict with hepatitis C. He withheld my number one EN for over a year saying that I wasn't safe and he couldn't trust me. Turns out he was having the affair the whole time.

He walked out because he said we didn't live a healthy lifestyle. While there was a HUGE amount of truth to it, he is living with a crack addict who has a disease that could literally kill her and him.

He has gone from being an everyday dad, to someone who at the very least was accountable to providing financially for us. I went into Plan B and it's been a dark Plan B for over a month and a half. He told me that he is building a life based on trust, openness and honesty with her. When I asked him why he didn't with me, he said that he didn't make it safe.

So all of a sudden he has found this "perfect" person, he knows that with a HUGE amount of work they can have this incredible relationship and yet he won't give me the time of day.

Now, he is witholding the money and for what? He has what he wants. I am leaving him alone to be happy in his new world. Why can't he leave me alone and let me just take care of the kids.

What does he mean by "he doesn't make it safe?"

It sounds as if your much better off. I myself was controlling but not in physical way. I didn't realize or mean to be and have come to see the light in what I hope is in time to save my marriage. It sounds like he realizes he's controlling in all ways and likes the role if he sought out a crack addict.

If he's withholding child support then I would suggest you make that part legal. Above all make sure you are physically safe though and protect yourself that way and that might mean going about things in a different manner.

My husband knew that he withheld himself from me emotionally as well as physically. He wouldn't let me in totally. Why I have no clue.

I could give a thousand reasons, but that would be disrespectful and I simply don't understand.

I have a lawyer and hopefully he is taking care of getting me the money. I am in no danger physically at all. Plan B has been a gift to WW, then he doesn't have to deal with me at all. Accept he still plays his games.

Better off? Most everyone says that I am. But you see, I married this man for better or worse, in sickness and health. I buy into the fact he is in an active addiction. The WW that exists in my H body is someone unrecognizable to not just me but his children. I wish I could just walk away and say that I am done and move on. But what if... what if.... G-d is working something out in him and I just have to keep hanging on to G-d and let him do what he is doing and the result is MY HUSBAND comes back to life.

I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I gave up, not yet. I love my H and believe in the man who once existed. That man, although a very sick human being, was a part of me. The very deepest parts in my soul. I promised G-d to love honor and cherish all the days of my life, I can't give up on G-d.

But not having a clear picture on what went on, truly is eating me up because I can't change my behavior if I don't understand.

Well you have to do what you have to for your soul.

Is it your behavior that needs to be changed?

Queenies-I've been following this and trying to read a little of your history on other threads you have posted to.  I am new here so be patient. I have experience with a ten-year emotionally abusive marriage that I fianlly left so I am hoping I can be of some help.  (I am in a new marriage with it's own problems, but tha's another story) But I am not sure I understand what you are saying and maybe it is because I don't know your whole story, but why do you say you don't have a clear picture of what went on? Do you truly not remember or are you unsure as to whether what happened in your life was truly abusive?

I had a HUGE part in the destruction of my M. I am an alcholic who didn't live in a recovery way. Though I have my sobriety I lived in a dry drunk. My life was chaotic and unmanageable. However, since the day WH left, the anger that lived inside me, doesn't, I lost 87 lbs after trying for years and years, I am way more healthy, at peace for the most part, and have learned to change everything in my life. I don't have a true sense of what was really happening and so I struggle with not knowing the truth.


I truly don't know if what went on was abusive or just me living in a dry drunk and creating the mess myself. My H loved me very much and was completely devoted to me. But I could never make him happy. The reality is it wasn't my job. He played so many mind games, withheld so much from me that it drove me insane and I created ways to survive that didn't kill me inside. But those are the very reasons he said he wanted something more than his best friend.

I hope that makes better sense. What I wouldn't give for some signs from G-d to truly help me put this to rest and understand what really happened.

Ok that helps explain a little the "guilt or feeling of fault" (I use those loosely) that you might be feeling. Did he support you during that time at all? I'm by far an expert but getting to the truth and root causes is a need in order to be able to understand and move forward.


Do you know why you became an alcoholic?

I don't have much experience with alcoholism but I do know about the abuse part.  IMO emotional abuse is the continual eroding of your self-esteem by use of verbal abuse, financial games or any other behavior meant to control you.  Sometimes it may be a threat or a veiled threat of physical abuse.  In my case it was slow and insidious, sneaking up on me over a period of years.My exH convinced me that I was not good enough, that I never did a good enough job at anything, I was always lacking in every way.

He was hard to complain about, he didn't smoke, didn't drink, had custody of his daughter, went to church, had a job.  He worked so hard to be perfect but he was depressed and mentally ill.  He found my weaknesses and exploited them.  I look back now and I can't believe I didn't see it sooner - a sickness in him rather than my faults, but that is what people like this do, they don't convince you all at once, it's slow, it's quiet, they don't show their cruelty in public.Feeling relieved when he finally moved out was the proof I needed that he had abused me.  As soon as he was gone I felt 80% better and in the next year I was the happiest I had been in years.  My teenage sons from my first M were relieved, my parents were relieved.  I had less money but TONS more self esteem.  It took 2 years of planning on my part, but I got him out and it was the best thing I ever did.

The specific kind of things he did:

He convinced our MC in private talks with him that I was lying about him and that I had been sexually abused by my father and was repressing those memories. 

He told me that if anything ever happened to me that he had told his friens at the local police department that I was violent and that it would be self-defense.

He watched everything I ate and told me I was fat even though I was a 118 pound size 4.

I shared things about a secret A from my first marriage in a session with our third MC - he was encouraging complete honesty.  This A was a secret to everyone in my life and my exH used it against me from that day forward.  He threatened over and over again to tell me boys, parents and first husband.

He would tell people at social gatherings how wonderful I was and how much he adored me and then yell at me all the way home in the car for embarrassing him.  He told me he was embarrassed to have me share his name.

This is the short list - I don't mean to ramble but I just wanted to share this with you.  I hope it helps - it is still good for me to talk about it , its been 8 years and it still haunts me at times.

I became an alcoholic because that's what I am. Some people say you are predisposed to it, my parents were alcohoics and my grandparents on my dad's side.

My husband's parents were and I don't know about his parents.

How I became one isn't the important fact, it's the fact that both of us took our sobriety for granted and slipped back into dangerous destructive patterns that addict/alcoholics simply don't have the luxury of doing.

I would like to put blame on WH, but it's important for me to keep to my own side of the street and let G-d take care of WH's.

I'm glad that you shared with me. I consider it an honor.

I don't know what happened in mine. I could say he eroded things in me, but I simply don't know. I have so much of my own to blame that I just don't know.

Friends in my life say he abused me, he controlled me in his own way, etc. I simply don't know and that's the hardest part.

I think this link below describes one particularly insidious form of marriage abuse - a type of abuse proven time and time again to have a gradual and cumulative effect which destroys loving intimacy a marriage .... it's a trap .... and like most traps, it's set with attractive bait

*LINK* to Starfish's post

Regards,

Pep

thanks Pep