My husband never ever consults with me when inviting friends over or accepts invitations to someones home. I work all day five days a week, he's retired. (But he did this well before he retired.) I've spoke with him about it numerous times. I told him gently that it is not fair to not ask me first. Since if we entertain at home it ends up my responsibility to get the refreshments and prepare food. He doesn't help, he just sits and visits. If he has accepted an invitation out, and usually spur of the moment, I may be exhausted and not really feel like going. It's unfair of him to do this. His health is not good, he has COPD and can't help me much so I am not done work when I get home, there is a lot to taking care of a home and our rental unit. How do I get him to cease this behavior? I find myself tired, very angry and near tears when I am in the kitchen preparing for a get together that I really didn't want in the first place.

Did you look up Independent Behavior on this site? Have you read Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs?

Have you explained to him how hard this is on you?

Could you order food instead of cooking it?

What would happen if you just said you were too tired and didn't prepare the food?

Maybe some of the concepts on MB can help you to negotiate this.

This website helped me through a rough patch in my marriage five years ago. It was through the Basic Concepts and a personal response from Dr. Harley that I learned to approach my issue and my husband so that we were able to better negotiate problems. Things remained one sided though, as when I suggested he visit this site I was ignored. But I will once again suggest it and I will continue to read all the site has available.

We live in a very, very rural area so ordering out is not an option. But I think your suggestion, gardener1 of just not preparing food is a start. Snacks out of a bag only.

Cost is another issue. Even beverages and snacks for twelve or so can run into some cash. I don't mean to sound like we are poverty stricken but my husbands retirement due to illness has really strapped us. I try to get this message across to him but I am ignored. But I will as I said dig my heels in and attempt to use the "Basic Concepts".

I would tell him - at a good moment, when nothing is planned - that you can't continue this way, that it's putting a strain on your mental and physical well being, so you are going to have to make a change. Politely tell him that he will have to be in charge of future events that he plans, because you can no longer take care of it and everything else, and since he is the one who arranges the events, it's only fair that he be responsible for them.

And then you have to be willing to stand by your decision. When guests come, just lightly say, you're transitioning over to H taking care of the events, and he just hasn't got the hang of it yet, but please bear with the two of you while it happens. That way you're not making fun of your H, but you're also not picking up the slack.

But the key is to tell him AHEAD of time that this is what will happen. Offer to help him figure out what to prepare, but don't do it yourself!

If nothing else, he'll see how much work you've been doing.