It amazes me. It seems like every time I turn around I talk to people whose spouses suddenly 'resent' the role that they play in their family.
EX. A H that suddenly decides that when he got M 20 years ago, he was not 'really wanting to be M' and that he really did not want to have kids. His kids are in their teens! He comes home from work, and avoids his whole family by working in the garage, playing video games...
Ex. A W that now thinks that she did not date enough, that there is more to life than being a SAHM, and she is angry with her H about it... even though this is what they BOTH wanted when they got M, and she was thrilled with it until 5 years later.

It goes on and on, and on.... It seems that a lot people I talk to want their freedom to do what they want, all the time, and they resent their spouse for 'tying them down', whether it be with kids, or with doing things together.

I am not saying that I do not know a lot of happy couples too, but it seems like it is almost an epidemic of people just wanting to 'find themselves' (even though they have kids that they need to add in the equation!), or they need 'space' to figure out what they 'want' out of their life.

And it annoys me. It annoys me to no end that people get M, and instead of trying to make it last forever, and looking at it as such, they think in the back of their heads that if they get bored that they can just get the big D.

What triggered this? My EXH is suddenly consumed with rage at me for 'ruining his life' and 'keeping information from him' and now he is paying for it. He is mad at paying CS, he is mad that he did not claim the kids on his taxes...etc. But what it boils down to is this: He wanted his "freedom" at whatever cost. He did not look long term, not with our M, not with his finances, not with anything. And NOW it is finally hitting him that it was not what he made it out to be... he is living with his GF, he is watching her kids all the time, he is playing house with her. And he is angry that he is not doing it with HIS kids.

All I can do is sit back on my heels, shake my head, and say,
"it wasn't what it was cracked up to be, was it?" And, think to myself, "HA-Ha! I TOLD you so!"

But, I wish a lot more people would take M seriously, work problems out, and not bolt as soon as it becomes not so 'exciting'.

Just some thoughts.

Yesterday morning it occurred to me that it was my grandparents' 66 wedding anniv. My grandmother has been gone now for 8 years and Gramp is still with us. They were married in an age when divorce was frowned upon, and couples had to work out their differences and make their marriages work.

Today, too many people are taught to think of themselves. Me..me..me..comes first in everything. "I" have the right to life, "I" have the right to liberty, and "I" have the right to justice. Whether it's from the sexual revolution or some other source, it is drilled into our heads to be selfish and only think of yourself. That's why so much infidelity goes on. A marriage is no longer a partnership for all time. Divorce is so easy now, some people think of marriage as a swinging door. In and out when things get a little rough.

Maybe I was born in the wrong century or maybe living with my grandparents rubbed off a little common sense on my life. My H's infidelity has been heartwrenching and so unbelievable. His attitude of "he wasn't happy so why shouldn't he find happiness" is so foreign to me. I wonder what society will be like in the next 20 years???

I don't think is unique to waywards thinking. I know my WH thinks he 'should follow his bliss' and that his happiness will lift up everyone else around him....gag. Out of touch and justifying their immoral behavior.

Hi, Sadmo! I like the sig line quote I read, if the grass is looking greener on the other side, time to water the grass

Excellent post. You've just hit on one of my biggest pet peeves. This false "freedom" so many seem to be searching for, is nothing more than self-centered, "it's all about me", plain old selfishness.

I think, like me, many people were not raised to have character and depth. Instead we were raised to chase the thrill du jour' because many of our parents did not know any better. My parents were hippies in pursuit of nirvana, or whatever.

It took me alot of hard knocks to learn a very simple, basic truth about life: happiness is the result of LIVING RIGHT. It does not come from chasing the selfish interest of the moment. My grandparents knew this.


Mel<----graduate of the School of Hard Knocks, who had to learn every damn thing the hard way

It's hard to be "free" if you are selfish.

PapaBearTim alluded to this when he came back to his wife - spoke of his realization of family, love, and that is where it all really is.

I think too often we can get lost in ourselves, some take it too far. The New Age stuff encourages this - "love yourself" taken way too far, for example.

My husband's own affair was one in which he described feeling like he was getting old, things were too "rigid" in his life and he wanted to be "free" - yet he said the moment he experienced his "freedom" with the OW he knew it was exactly what he did NOT want.

He was a walking contradiction, and could not figure it out!

People get strange ideas as to what it is they want, what will fill them up. They get "empty".

Too bad they compromise everything - and sometimes cannot ever get it back.


SB

SB-
That is what it probably is: Selfishness.

I was not raised to be selfish, nor am I selfish. I try to 'do unto others as I would like done to me'. And it has served me well. I have a good bunch of friends that are like minded, and we would do anything for each other. Well, almost.

With my family, I am the same way, times 2.

It seems that a lot of people's loyalty wavers when they get a little bored.

Unfortunately with this new breed of "freedom fighters" it affects their kids. And that is NOT good.

I am just glad that I know people still that still hold family values dear to them!

ML-
Exactly! Living RIGHT! How hard is that?
My grandfather taught me that, time and time again. I miss him a lot. He was the epitome of how to live right. Always a kind word, a smile on his face, a helping hand.

I am proud to say that my Dad is a lot like him... with a bit more of a temper! LOL!

Sadmo - With the wholesale attacks on the "fools" who believe in God and Christ by the "general public," the removal of God from the classrooms in favor of 'you are just an evolved animal' and only accountable to yourself, with the societal "stamp of approval" that Marriage is a convenience and IS 'disposable' whenever you WANT something else, I understand your lament here.

But, as with all things, "wishing" will never change anything.

It takes ACTION, it takes "standing for the 'unpopular'" position of humble obedience to God's commands, it takes NOT being "of this world" even though you do live in it.

Sin IS SIN, that's the truth. Regardless of human "opinion."
Today the sinners like to call their behavior "lifestyle choices" instead of what it really is, to delude themselves and to deflect others from "imposing" their values on them.

And that's what most folks don't want to admit, that someone other than themselves DOES determine "right from wrong."

"Until death do us part" is NOT "until I no longer have tingly little feelings for you and my lust wants what is not mine."

God bless.

I said this exact thing to my WW a couple of times. My exact quote was "I don't remember our wedding vows saying 'I promise to love, honor and cherish you, forsaking all others until something better comes along'"

Should have seen the look on her face when I said that one. Priceless.....

I was raised around my grandparents and a lot of much older family. They all lived through the depression and learned from it. I grew up knowing that D was terrible and ruined families. I was taught that people who cheated on their spouse were trash and you didn't even talk to them until they made things right. Almost everyone went to church, and if you did something bad they would confront you and pressure you to stop. If you didn't, everyone would quit doing business with you. You wouldn't get hired to work somewhere if you were "no good". My parents saved up to buy things and paid for them with money they already had.

Now, for my wife...her father, who was a wonderful person, and a lot like me in some ways, was a terribly selfish person. That is one way we weren't alike. He was a tyrant and there was no person or thing that could satisfy him. My wife was his favourite, and she lived to please him. He would spend money on anything he wanted, whether he could afford it or not. I love my wife, and she is generally pretty great, but there are times when she is so much like him.

Her A was all about selfishness. She was tired of being a part of a family. She dreamed of being single and would have divorced me but for the kids. It wasn't that I wasn't a good husband, it was that she didn't want to do anything around the house, care for the children, answer to anyone, manage money, or do anything that wasn't exciting and fun. I did most of those things anyway, but nothing was enough. I had my issues, too, but that wasn't really what the A was about. She was caught up in a cycle of selfishness that could justify anything she might ever do. She was so caught up in herself that she didn't care about anything or anyone else. Her A wasn't about the two of them, it was about her. He wasn't good looking, in good shape, nice, engaging, a good communicator, loyal, or anything else attractive. He just happened to be who she chose to be a part of her fantasy that she would be happy if she just had her own way in her life. Now she sees that she wrecked our marriage, nearly lost the kids, and destroyed her husband. She didn't get that the problem was her, but tried to blame the whole world for her unhappiness. Total and utter selfishness. She can't believe she was ever like that now that she is over it.

I really don't see how the children of this generation have any chance at an attitude like mine because of the rampant selfishness and disregard for others that permeates every aspect of our society.