Yea you really do need to move to plan B. This has been going on over a year now and you need to DEMAND some respect. You have 3 Daughters in the house seeing this open disrespect of you.

I have asked. State flat out, you can "have a relationship" you just can't have it here. Please go. I've changed the locks. He says he doesn't want to. Every so often if I make him angry he will say he's going to move out eventually. He just never goes.

Absolutely better to file here. I've looked into that. Child support guidelines back home are a joke.

What's really interesting is that occasionally he becomes convinced that I'M having an affair. He goes through my phone, questions me etc. All things that are totally not OK for me to do to him.

My director at work came in my office one day several times & talked about personal stuff. Ask about my M, (noticed I wasn't wearing my rings) told me about his FW etc. I told WH about it. Said I thought it was odd. Never really spoke to the man before. He said, that's how it starts he'll call you tomorrow, I promise. I don't know where your head is, but I can't tell you not to see him after all I've done. I said I had no interest in that kind of sitch. The next day the direct. came in & asked if my husband would call & threaten him. I said no, of course not! That is SO not him. In fact, he has encouraged me to "go out and meet someone". Later, I saw the call on the phone bill & confronted him. His response? "I'm doing whatever I have to. I'm trying to salvage this marriage. He was trying to get in your pants and I knew if that happened it would destroy us. I was like- HUH? Why will what your doing not destroy us??

Anyone that knows me would say I'm self-reliant, intelligent and pride myself on being a leader. But, I've fallen into letting him lead since this started. The one call the other weekend was the first time he flat out called her from home. Once or twice he has made a lame excuse & called I'm sure. He has started leaving his phone in the car overnight since the 2 am call. He's always said he HAS to have the phone with him in case employees need him. I guess they've managed to find a way without him.

It's like there is an up & down cycle. I used to say it was the 3 day cycle. Then it seemed to be on a 3 week rotation. Now it's almost a weekly thing. He doesn't go out weekly. Seems to be about once a month. He always says he thinks he's trying really hard & I push him. Convincing him we will never work and he might as well have some fun. I asked him yesterday why he would give everything up for something he says will never work. He said we would never work either. I said No, probably not while you have a girlfriend. Ever think about trying it without her?? He said "all the time babe" I guess it just never gets past that planning stage huh??

I would get an attorney to file the papers. Let hubby know that you won't tolerate 3 people in your marriage.

I'm sure the affair will end, but this could go on and on forever. I think reality would be a wakeup call for him.

i think this is fairly normal. i seem to remember reading it somewhere here and my wh has done the same thing. it was before i knew about the A but i remember it distinctly.

your situation sounds a lot like mine. i'll pray for you.

Yikes, over a full year of cake and only a few crumbs for you. I’m sorry that I miss-read that. You must be worn out and tired. Certainly a Plan B will help remove you from the daily grind of negative relationship talk and is the best way to return you to a sliver of normalcy.


“Honey, I’m doing my best to love you and protect our family but I want to be clear on one thing. You see, while I support you because I am your wife and you are the father of our children, I don’t support the choices you have made. I want you to know how much I object to your sharing yourself with another woman. Please don’t confuse my support of you with my permission to continue your affair as it is terribly hurtful to me. I will do all in my power to help you end it and return to your family. While I certainly can’t make you “do anything” I can certainly let you know how your choices make this family feel.”

Also, it is not love busting to rationally explain to your husband that there are limits to how long you will endure his behavior.

Mr. G

It's time.
You know it's time for plan B.
If a BS does Plan A for too long (one full year is 6 months too long) the loss of self respect is too great.
You must be 'whole & healthy' if the marriage has a chance of recovery.
Recovery is HARD - harder than what you're going through now.
Every day you remain in Plan A you shrink a little more.

Release to WH all his earned consequences, all at one time.
Then hand him over to God.
Then begin to build yourself back up.
Recovery is HARD - get strong now.

Hope & prayers,

Pep

*LINK* to Misapplication of Plan A - by Distressed

Please read this

Pep

It's time.
You know it's time for plan B.


I know, I know. It terrifies me though. He's always said that he's never left because he knows deep down inside he'll never come back. Now, I know he's also told me several times in no uncertain terms that it is over. The one time I did force him to leave he told me it was either the bravest thing I had ever done or the stupidest. Only time would tell.
I've never minded being alone, in fact I've always enjoyed it. But I'm in a place where I don't know anyone & don't really intend to stay long enough to make connections. Just an excuse. I know.

Release to WH all his earned consequences, all at one time.
Then hand him over to God.
Then begin to build yourself back up.
Recovery is HARD - get strong now.

That is so hard for me. I've always been the reliable one that fixes things. I know that's part of my problem now. I have a REALLY hard time accepting that I can't fix this. It's almost 2 pm here and he'll be calling soon. As a matter of fact, that's him now. CRAP

By the way, I do want to say thank you to everyone for your advice. Sometimes you just need someone to talk you down! I truly thank you taking the time and I'm going to work through these things. Thanks

Just called again. He'll want back in the house.(I know for a fact he has very little money. Most is DD into my account) What cash he has will have to be used for his work expenses. Oh well, he shoulda thunk of that. As my DD14 would say.
So, I've never actually put alot of thought into Plan B (obviously!!!) I'm thinking it goes something like this- he calls, shows up, wants back in. I hand him a letter and tell him to go?

Examples of letters please?

you and i are in the same place. i was directed to your thrad by lala to rad what mr g had to say.

you should check out my thread. i posted my plan b letter there.

good luck

i just wanted to say that i read your whole thread and in fact, our situations are VERY similar. our husbands sound a lot alike.

Oh bless your heart!! I'm sorry!

I'm going to read your thread now.

You have no working boundaries.
Read this, written by MBer Mulan:

*LINK* to Mulan's descrition of boundaries

Thanks Pepper, that hit the spot!
The [censored] actually called and was really surprised that I wasn't thrilled that he wanted to come home. Because I don't have my ducks in a row, plan B wise, I had decided to let him back in. After explaining MY BOUNDARIES.

I calmly & quietly told him he had dished out more than enough and those days were over. I knew that I couldn't reason with him, educate him or outtalk him. Nor did I have any desire to. He can do whatever he wants but he WILL NOT DO IT IN MY HOME, as a married man, in front of me & our children. No "dates", no phone calls, no texts. If he wants to do that, he will go. I let him this would never happen again and if he decided the homewrecker "needed" her night out he shouldn't bother calling the next day. I'm a smart girl & I think if I apply myself I can find someone to mow my grass and rake my leaves. (That was the reason he HAD to get back into the house Sunday. A sudden, intense interest in lawn maintenance) I told him I loved him, I wanted the best for him & us and this was not it. Of course, I would be sad but the girls & I would be better off alone than having a man willing to compromise his morals and our dignity in this way. I said that I had allowed myself to fall into a pattern of weakness & that isn't me. "While you're working on your issues I will be busy working on me. When it's all said & done I'll have grown & changed some things I'm not happy with. Hopefully you will too."
I told him I knew boundaries "were not his thing" but that this were what was going to hold me together. I said "I feel better knowing that I don't have to just keep taking it. We'll see how it goes hopefully we can make progress.But, if we don't, you will have to leave the home."
OK???? Ya think?

Sounds good. Be prepared for a relapse though, and when he moves out, that's when you need to hit him with some legal separation papers.

Oh yeah, I really don't even think of it as a relapse since I assume it is ongoing!! Just the point where he figures I've let my guard down & he can go back at it.

He told me last night that he had always tried really hard to keep that apart from his family. That he didn't give me alot of time during the work day because that was hers. When he got home at night, that was mine. I should be happy, because he chose to stay home with me. And I got more time with him.

I explained to my girls Sunday that it was not OK to let someone do this to you & that I did have a plan . I lost my way for a while, but I was back. We were going to be OK.I was going to let him stay in the house while I got my ducks in a row and- who knows? Maybe he will come to his senses in that time frame. But, chances are- he won't and I would ask him to leave in a couple weeks time if not. They are always encouraging us to go out & it makes them really happy when we go to dinner or the movies. I didn't want them to think all was well & then be hit with it.

Well, that didn't last long!

This is a LONGGG post, sorry! I need to vent.

He worked pretty much all weekend, which is really odd. I'm thinking maybe homewrecker was moving??
Sunday, he calls on his way home, says "I'll be home in 2 hours. Want to go to dinner and a movie?" I ask why he would want to go out with me if he couldn't bring himself to talk to me all day? I told him I just needed to know what rules I was expected to live by. Exactly what days are mine and what days are hers? (OK, I know. It's sort of a LB?) I couldn't help it. When he's not here I have no trouble with the plan A thing, but when it's in my face the way it is, after a few days, I can't take it anymore and I always say something that defeats the purpose.
He gets mad refuses to talk. By Sunday afternoon I tell him that I'm pretty sure I know where this whole thing is going and that I'm concerned that by the time it's all said & done we're going to do and say so many things to each other that we'll hate each other. I said "If you can't stop, need to be alone, need to get it out of your system- whatever. Maybe you need to go do that while we still have a chance. It's not fair to do this and then say "we'll never work out. We can't even get along" when we can't get along because you have a girlfriend. That is truly the only disagreement we have. He really doesn't say much. We watch TV, all is fairly normal. He wakes me up when he leaves this morning at 5:30. I said it seemed kinda early and he said he was going to a town 2 hrs away. He asked if I wanted my wake up call. I said yes, please. He told me to have a good day, used his pet name for me and left. I woke up later, panicked because I had overslept & my girls were going to be late. Tore in, waking them all up. They rolled over and said "Mom, it's 4:30 in the morning. Why are you waking us up?" I thought for sure something was wrong with their clock. I came back to check my cell and he had reset the bedside clock and left at 3 am. Of course, I knew where. He texts at 6:30 to say he was sorry he did it this way, he knew I would never let him go. He didn't want to talk or text, he wasn't coming back and that he would help me move when the time came. We've text back & forth all day. He called this afternoon. I told him I was totally disgusted. He had obviously been planning this for along time. He denied that & said she(homewrecker) had, but that he just kept HOPING he & I could make it somehow. But now, he has to admit that he's always known in the back of his mind, we would never work. I told him I wasn't sure how he thought it would work, what with his girlfriend and all. He says I just keep pushing him away. I told him what he considers "pushing him away" is expecting him to live up to the promises that he makes. If he didn't want me to have expectations, he should have never make the promises. Then I would have known what was up.
Then he tells me he needs to give me $100 less a month than we agreed on because he needs the money. I said, I know for a fact, there is nothing in your account and you're still gone. Obviously there is money somewhere. He says no. I said so, are you telling me you are going to sleep in your car? He says "yes, tonight I'll have to" I call BS & said you have someplace to stay. Let's be honest. He admits he does then says "You want me back. I know you'd take me. If you are so sure this thing with her will not work out do you really want to create such hard feelings over $100 that I hate you and won't come back?" I flipped. I told him that his coming home was not even on the radar. That I would not take less to make life easier for him and the girlfriend. That yes, I was sure in the long run it wouldn't work. But he was the one that has said for a year that he knew that it wouldn't for a million reasons. He tells me he knew things would never work with me either and that I had always said that I didn't want him to stay for financial reasons, so I should help him. I agreed & said yeah, that was for you to leave to be on your own. I'm not going to take less to make life easier for you & her. She has an income too. Obviously she had enough money to move out. You'll be fine.

SOOOOOO, I assume this is Plan B time? Or do I make nice and let her make him crazy??

If there was such a thing, this should go into the Wayward Hall of Shame for slimy ways to leave your spouse! Arghhh!!!!

It's time for Plan B. Take away his cake. Are you ready for Plan B emotionally, mentally and legally?

File for legal separation and get full custody of the children and spousal and child support deducted directly from his paycheck. Call his bluff.