dO i TELL ANYONE? Does bringing everything in the open work? Whats the reasons for telling? Who do I tell/not tell? I've read some posts which say you should tell family/friends about affairs. I've had advice not to tell and haven't but I notice several ( about 7 months since affAir ended) months down the track we're still no nearer to solving our difficulties and now I wonder if in H's eyes the affair has become a non issue eg if we separated would the reason be the affair or irreconcilable differences? H says the affair isn't the reason he doesn't love/like me any more but I'm really gutted about it. I'm trying to follow plan A but its really hard when it seems like H has got this big wall up. All the info here seems brilliant but H hasn't got on board with doing anything. I did email him something from here recently and he said it was good but won't discuss it. I peeked at what he had looked up and to my disappointment he had looked up Dr Harleys question/amswers about affairs from the OW perspective. Umm... I'm just not brave enough to ask him about it....And this is 7 months after the affair ended. been married 27 years. 4 kids aged between 7 and 17. So...?? BIG question do I tell and risk all. I guess only I know but I wonder if I do tell H will lose the last bit of respect ( if any) he may have for me. H says he wants to stay but its for the kids and God , not for me. he did have early advice where the person told him our marriage was about 2 out of 10 and I think he might be stuck on that. My gut feeling is that H thinks he has met the love of his life too late. ( she also is/was married with 2 kids)H has described her as his best friend.

H had an affair but H wants me to sort out my relationship with son (age 15)but not with him.

I am really struggling with this. H doesn't like the way I relate with our children and that is why he says he doesn't love/like me ,He was unhappy with me so he says was vulnerable to OW who was a wonderful mother who had an uncommunicative H (thats from H's perspective ) H is waiting /watching me to be a better mother(showing more affection) so he will then like me. I am really struggling with this. He continues to see our relationship through these glasses

and I think this is why he won't do anything about us he won't go to counselling, he won't read anything, he won't go on a marriage course, he doesn't care if we go out as a couple or not, he is pursueing his own new hobby BUT and this is where I feel very CONFUSED he says he enjoys S and making me happy (????), he is happy talking to me about his hobby -, he is helping more with chores (which I don't care about), he is spending some time with the kids,

He is very friendly to everyone else. So much so that we were disagreeing about something ( can't even remember what)Someone called round unexpectedly. I was feeling really upset. H could really easily greet this friend quite happily, laughing and chatting to them as if he hadn't a care in the world. This is a regular pattern I now realise.

I don't know what to do next?? I've said on another question I'm trying to do plan A but inside I'm crying thinking why bother? Do I swallow pride (if thats what it is?) and do what H says and try and get on with son if thats whats caused H to dislike me? I just feel I haven't got it in me to do this so I will win H back and I hate feeling like I'm on trial

Is this the right approach to making a marriage work? (I'm guessing the reason H won't do anything about us is his view of my and sons relationship.)

Yes thanks , please could you move this to infidelity. (i do find this forum hard to navigate!)

Here you are.

c00per

Hi Lin,

Welcome to MB.

The vets will be around later in the a.m. but after reading your posts I just wanted to ask...are you sure that the A has ended?

It really doesn't sound like it, especially when you said that he looked up something about the OW's POV.

Or maybe I'm just extra suspicious. I don't know. But really, after reading that is what struck me first.

Does he still have ANY contact with the OW at all? Was this a workplace affair?

If he has any contact then withdrawal hasn't taken place.

Anyway, you'll get some fantastic advice. I'm glad you found MB. It's been a Godsend for me.

Take care,

Charlotte

I am certinly no expert but I wanted to welcome you to MB and say that I am sorry that you have to be here. Have you read Surviving an affair or His Needs, Her Needs? I actually found HNHN more helpful in my situation. I believe that it is imperative that you expose to OWH. I also would question whether or not the A is over.
The pros will be along soon to help you. Keep reading and listen to your WH's suggestions but remember that the A was NOT your fault. It was his decision to deal with the issues of your marriage with a third party instead of with you.
Say

This was my first thought as well. I'd do some digging and find out for sure.

I'm a newbie here (relatively speaking) so I don't have much advice, but I can offer you my support and prayers.

Lin: I was also wondering if the A is still going on or maybe he isn't ready to give it up yet. Who broke the A off? Was it the D-Day that ended it or did one of them?


In my M, we are in month #5 of our recovery. My H has had this mentality of how he's not sure he has made the right choice and he's thinking on OW more and more lately. Up until last weekend he admitted he has not been giving me but 1/2 the effort to repair our injured marriage. He has not had any contact with OW since NC day in Feb. but mentally I wonder if he believes she is waiting for him. I know she is hurting because I have had the "joy" (sarcasm) of her phone calls and emails for which I have put an end to any contact. Does the WS really imagine in their fantasy worlds that the OP is sitting there pining over them and willing to take them back no matter what?? That may happen in the beginning but I can't believe that any normal person would put up with a lover who would come and go, flip-flopping back and forth. I would think that those feelings of uncertainty would eventually destroy any relationship.

Thanks for your answers. My heart did sink at the thought that maybe the affair hasn't ended. :-(I don't THINK the affair has continued due to lack of available time although I'm guessing he still thinks of her.
Having said that I think there is a bit of unaccounted time lately, hard to tell though, seeing H is self employed and has his independent hobby. I hate to ask though -I'm not sure what my emotions might do but then I guess we need to do some communicating. I'm an incredibly non confrontive person which could be partly why things aren't going anywhere. but your answers have inspired me to ask him (politely of course :-) ) about something he said a few weeks ago. When I asked why he didn't want to do anything (about us) he said he felt paralized by indecision. ( end of conversation) Well I guess due to emotions being in the way I have only just dimly realised what this might mean and I plan to ask him.
Re the OW the affair stopped because the other H found out and my H told me that same day. They had opportunity for a relationship because they were in the same hobby together, meeting 3 or 4 times a week, H is doing a different hobby now mostly men!

On the positive side H is not attending hobby so much and spending time with kids

I asked H what he meant when he said he is paralyzed by indecision.
He means he can't see the point in working on our marriage because he can't see that I can change. He thinks I'm socially inept and can't relate to people normally and when he sees me relate to our 2 older chn he doesn't like what he sees.
Yes I admit I have issues, I can't stand it when our kids argue and fight and I don't always manage them very well. Older son has a short fuse and yells and is disrespectful if I ask him to do something especially when he thinks its unfair and I go to pieces. H thinks its because I can't manage conflict.

If I point out that he can't handle our kids arguing he thinks thats different because he's under stress.

Bottom line is he will only work on our marriage if I can get on with kids

So really I think is there any point in working on our relationship?

He hasn't seen OW but does think of her. He thinks of all the negative aspects of her. and this is why he looked up the Harveys site on the OW. I guess I can accept this is true but I see even less hope for us when he is trying to get over the OW by thinking badly of her and disliking me so much.

yes i feel rather hopeless about it all.

H doesn't want to separate because of the kids. thats the only reason. Most of the Harveys advice seems to be for couples who want to be together

Any advice welcomed

Bumping this one up for Lin...

Lin, if he's still involved with this OW, then the marriage can't recover. How much snooping have you done?

Whether he is still in an A or not,your description sounds like that of a man who's still very much of a wayward mindset. He's still pinning the responsibility for his poor choices onto someone else - you. Which is absolutely not on - you do see that, yes? No-one MADE him do those things - they were his choice and his only.

Even if he has reasons for being dissatisfied with the marriage - and that's a moot point anyway - the marriage is not going to magically resolve itself just by him telling you you're inadequate.

I think you've suggested MC? That's the first step in working out what might be amiss with the relationship, but, of course, it might reveal his own inadequacies rather than your own.

Plan A is about rescuing the marriage during an active affair. It's about reminding the WS about the good things they stand to lose if they leave the BS. Plan A either results in the ending of the A or in the BS moving to Plan B. Once the affair is over, you move to rebuilding the marriage. Do you see what I'm saying? You don't Plan A once the affair is over. So you shouldn't be Plan A'ing now, seven months after the A is ended.

If your H won't move on to the rebuilding-the-marriage stage within a reasonable timeframe, then it's time for you to start setting boundaries. Boundaries are about deciding what's acceptable to you, and what's not, and having the strength to uphold that.

I think it might help you a lot to find yourself a good counsellor who will help you with setting those boundaries.

God bless.

TA