Hello. I'm a new member who desperately needs the advice and support of others who have been where I am. Let me tell you what's happened so far.

My H and I have been married for seven years. We have one child together and I'm currently 6.5 months pregnant. On April 9th of this year, he left our home and said that it was over. On the 11th, he came back home, telling me how much he loved me, how I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen or ever would see, and that he could never want anyone else. Things seemed great for the four to five days. See, there was a girl (and I say girl because she is only 19) who he had been speaking with and I was NOT okay with it. He would secretly call and text her and got upset when I checked our cell records and found this out. Needless to say, he left his phone out one morning and I checked it. She had left him a text asking if he was thinking about her. I confronted him immediately and he left, stating that he needed to think. He called me about 45 minutes later and said it was over, that he didn't love me in that way anymore and hadn't in a long time. I saw on the phone records that he had spoken with her for 30 minutes before he contacted me. This was on April 19th.
Since that time, we have seen each other because of the children and he says that he is not physical with this other woman, but he feels has a connection with her and wants to be more than friends. He is staying at her house, people! I highly doubt that they are just friends. But, anyway, he even had her call me and say that they were just friends and that he loved me and his family sooo much, even though he still says that he doesn't love me in that way. I don't know why she did that. His parents and family know about it and no one supports him in this decision, however, he won't stop. He has only known this girl about 2 months and she is leaving this week to move about 2 hours away to work at a theme park. She will be gone for 4 months.
I have asked him not to contact me until he ceases all contact with the OW unless it's an emergency and then he can contact my mother. This hurts, but I have to attempt to get on with my life. Since the day he left, I have lost 12 lbs and my job. I can barely function. This is the man that I thought was my soul mate and I thought we would grow old together, our lives and thoughts twining together like vines.
I don't know what to do. Please help!!!! I really hope that all of this makes sense. I'm in a very emotional place (which I'm sure others of you have been here too), so I might not be very eloquent with my writing.

Welcome. This must be awful for you, especially since you are pregnant, but it has happened to several others here. And the husband almost always comes back.

Just consider him temporarily insane. He is addicted to his AFFAIR partner, and that is what it is, an affair.

I hope you will contact her parents and see what they have to say about their daughter.

You need to stay calm and start eating. Losing 12 pounds isn't good for you or your baby. Stick with us and we will help you through this.

Thank you for replying. I feel so alone and even though my friends and family have been wonderful, they have not been through this. I don't understand how he could say all those wonderful things to me, then leave again and say that he doesn't love me and hasn't since before I got pregnant. I'm so confused. He tells me that he wants a divorce, but then when his mother asks him, he says separation, then adds that we can't do anything until 60 days after the baby is born anyway. He gets angry when I tell him that I want no contact with him, I don't get it. I want NC because I want him to see that he NEEDS to talk with me, that I am a part of him. But, I'm also afraid that he really doesn't love me anymore and that I'm not a part of him any longer.

I don't know how to find out who her parents are or I would contact them.

oh boy have i heard those same words.... difference is i found out after my baby was a month old.... and he moved out when she was three months old to live with OW.

You aer in my thoughts and prayers.

See if you can do some checking and find out who her parents are. In the meantime, Plan A, where you show him what a great wife you are, is the starting point. If you feel like you absolutely can't have contact with him, then I guess we will support that choice.

Hi Ayane,

I know your pain, really I do. I was 7 months pregnant when I found out my WH was cheating. You know how I found out FOR SURE? I so happened to decide to get myself checked out at the hospital b/c my stomach was tightening up...and at that time I found out I had and STD.

BTW, my baby is fine (Thanks to God) and so am I. I used to try to check his cell phone like you have but my WH always kept it so heavily guarded.

I know what you mean that you have expressed it to your family and friends and they just don't really seem to empahize with you. No one knows EXACTLY how you feel except for you.

I hope that you wll get yourself checked out to see if you have any STDs, and do what's necessary to give you and your child a great life in the meantime.

I actually exposed my WH to his gf's mother and family. And I was scared but at the same time felt like they needed to know. And while he may have been really angry with me, Iknew it needed to get out there in the open...

I hope you will continue posting nd replying and hope you will start seeking God, if you haven't already.

The most important thing right now is to make sure you and your baby are doing well.

Every time we talk he tries to start an argument with me, which is making it very hard for me to get on with life and attempt to get things straight. His words and coldness sear into my heart causing me great pain and making me angry and bitter. I have tried to be great and supportive, attempting to help him, but it just doesn't seem to work. I can't seem to control my tears every time he talks to me. I don't know if his attempts at arguments are fulfilling an EN for him or what, but I can't have that. It's making me even unhappier.

I believe everyone's WS is bitter and mean to them during the affair.

Mine forged and csahed my paycheck, called me names, and even defended OW.

Bu the times that I didnot cry r showed weakness in my voice started to make him wonder and I did get a different reaction. You can't control him, but you can control yourself.

He picks arguments with you because he knows he is a low down, dirty scoundrel. The only way he can feel okay about his actions is to make YOU the bad person. All of this is so typical. Keep reading, and you will see it over and over.

I suggest that you read here and stick with us until you get stronger and can let his words roll off your back.

It is pointless to argue with him and let your feelings be hurt. Would you argue with a heroin addict who wanted his drug?

Oh my I died at bit inside reading that, I’m so sorry Ayane this is so hurtful. You should go to a doctor asap that rapid weight loss it a problem and has me concerned. I’m not sure if you can take ant-depressants or anything while pregnant but it doesn’t hurt to find out.

Thank all of you for your kind comments, I really appreciate them.

believer - your words make me feel so much better, thank you so much. In my head, I've told myself exactly what you are saying, but at this point I don't even know if I trust my instinct anymore.

my1stlove - thank you for the encouragement also. How are things with you now? Are you doing okay?

Strongerthanb4 - thank you also for your kind words. How did things turn out with the two of you?


The one thing I keep thinking about is the fact that he continues to LIE about where he is staying. I found his car in her apartment complex and he wouldn't even come outside to talk to me. When he spoke with me on the phone, it was like I was talking to someone off the street, some stranger, his voice was so cold. He says that just because his car was there doesn't mean he was at her place. I don't understand why he keeps lying. He says we are over and he doesn't care to hurt me any other way, why can't he tell me the truth????

Thank you, Chris. I have seen my doctor and I'm currently taking anti-depressants. My H and I both have ADD and neither of us are taking our medications. I can't take them until after the baby is born, but it's not hitting me very hard, except with focusing. He definitely needs medication, but he says that it's being here and being with me that makes him feel unmotivated, negative, and unhappy.

Your husband is behaving by the WS book. So that is very good, because the stuff you will learn here will work for you.

When he says that he is unmotivated, depressed, etc. around you, just tell him you are very sorry, and didn't realize things were so bad.

What worked for me was treating my husband like someone who was feather-plucking insane. It did no good to reason with him. And he had the coldest eyes I've ever seen. One look and it was like seeing a stranger, and a not very nice stranger at that.

So when he is cold, just know that he is going by the book. YOU need to be warm and calm. In fact, just try to remember all the stuff he spews so you can report it here. We have heard it all, but if I was a betting person, I would wager he won't have anything new.

Husbands almost always come back, so take some hope in that. The statistics are overwhelmingly with you.

Ayane,

I'm sorry you're here and I feel for you.

But... there are alot of good people here and when you're hurting they'll be here to help you. Believer is a special person with a big heart. Listen to her.

My instincts tell me that my marriage is NOT over, but I don't know if I can wait it all out. I don't know if I want to take the chance of feeling this way again. I don't even know if he means it when he says he doesn't love me anymore. It hurts to think that yeah, maybe he doesn't, because how could he when he is so cold? I have two children from a previous relationship that he has helped raise and they are completely flabbergasted also. The oldest told him and me that he wasn't acting like himself. Then she asked if this was how he was always going to act now. It's really sad.
Also, I think about how great things seemed at first when he came back after those two days. The sex was better than it had been in years and he was doing sweet things like rubbing my feet and putting headphones on my tummy so that the baby could hear music that he likes. Now he says that he didn't want the baby when he got me pregnant, he just thought it would make me happy and help our relationship. How crazy is that???? He calls our baby "your baby" or "the child", it's awful, especially since he loves our other child and my two other child so very, very much. Or seems to anyway. I don't know....

Ayane - Tell your children that he is not himself, but you have a plan. Of course he loves you and the children, unless he was a lousy husband and father before the affair.

Trust me, he is behaving like they all do, and he will snap out of it when the affair ends.

Your job is to take good care of you and your children, and don't fight or argue with him at all. Be calm and pleasant, and don't let him bait you. When he starts the fog babble about not wanting another child, just let him know you are sorry he feels that way. Don't try to reason or educate.

The infatuation sends strong chemicals to his brain, and that is why he is behaving so strangely. He is getting his fix from the other woman right now.

I know those things hurt. I can't explain why waywards say those mean ugly things. You're husband sounds very conflicted. Which is typical of a wayward spouse. He'll say that it's over and all sorts of other B.S. ... but don't listen to his words ... watch his actions...


Take comfort in this...There isn't anything he can do to you that someone else here hasn't already experienced. He's a typical wayward and he'll follow "the script".

I know it's hard... and you're heart is hurting...but try and be still...

Do you have a good support group? Good family close by? Belong to a good church? If you don't have a good support group ... try and develop one.

He left. To me that is a telling sign. On the other hand, he called me first to give me his new number. He always answers when I call and if for some reason he doesn't he calls me back immediately. My MIL and my mother think that those are telling things. Also, the fact that he got so angry when I told him that I didn't want any contact with him so that I could get on with my life gave me a bit of hope....


My mother and I talk on the phone constantly but she lives about 6 hours away. His family has been great, but they are HIS family and I don't want to put them in the middle of things. I have a couple of really good friends...and I've turned back to God. I've prayed for the first time in years and rededicated. I never thought I would go there again.....

He's in conflict... Most everything he says will hurt.... but those little things that he's doing says to me that he's not done with the marriage yet.


Very good... Keep talking to your mother.... Don't be surprized if his family dissapoints you. But if you have a good relationship with them try and continue that.

Find a good church... What is your faith?... If you don't mind me asking.

It is good that his family is supportive, and somewhat unusual. Often the just want the WS to "be happy". So count yourself fortunate. You can let them know that you love your husband and appreciate any support.

As you read more here you will see that your case is just like all of the rest. Try to stay calm and not let him upset you. Pretend that he has been snatched away by the aliens and doesn't know what he is doing.

Try to relax, and make your home a warm and welcoming place.