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#2051992 05/04/08 09:57 PM
Joined: May 2008
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this is my first time on this website and wow! it is amazing! here's my problem... my husband had a one month long affair right before he left for a 15 month long deployment. he was living in texas at the time, and i was in california 9 months pregnant. he actually told me he was having an affair, but since he deployed, the skank has not been there for him, and he has been calling me for support. he says i am the only person in the world he feels comfortable talking to about his feelings and what he's going through in iraq, wants me to forgive him, and wants me stay with him. i still love him with all my heart and i do want to work through this, but neither one of us has any idea how to do that when he is in iraq, and i'm in california. does anyone have any ideas??? i haven't seen him in 5 months and he wont come home on leave until december. and then he still has 6 more months after that. i only hear from him about once a week. how can i forgive him and trust him again? how can we fix our relationship with such a distance between us?


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 84
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Hi AW,

I'm a navy wife. My H is also deployed. Your story is different than mine, but the same consequences. My H had a 4 month A that I caught. I exposed the A right away, and H left 2 days after me finding out for 7 months. I am also having a difficult time with recovery, with my H leaving and returning for a short while, and then leaving again.

The thing I can tell you is read books that support marital recovery. The first book I read was Survivng an Affair. That was read a week after discovering A. As time went on, I read more books. When I finished them, I'd write H a letter and mail the books to him. He read the books, which opened the lines of communication for us. I also started IC for myself shortly after his deployment, and continued that until H returned home back in Feb. this year. Then we started marriage counseling about 4 days after him returning. He just left again about 3 weeks ago for about 2 months. It hasn't been easy. Recovery during deployment seems impossible without support or the proper guidance. Right now my support and guidance comes from church, books about recovery from A, family. Even though you only get e-mail about once a week, what also helped me through the highest peaks of the pain during H deployment was handwriting H a letter. The letters would be really long, but it got everything out of my thoughts and my heart. To this day, H tells me he still rereads them to try and understand the pain his A has caused me. Another thing that can help you and your H is seeing if he could get some kind of counseling or talking to his Chaplain? My H was always out on missions, but he would return from whereever they were to rest for awhile, he would go to the Chaplain and the local chapel for worship.

I figure by now you have a baby you're raising, and these kinds of situations we're in is very hard. There are gonna be times where you don't feel like being nice or loving to him, especially that he's away, you can't really vent to him. I so understand that. I can tell you this... you've made a good step of coming to this website. I've been here for almost 2 weeks now, and it's helped me when I need to ask a question, because I know others have been in my shoes, or close enough.

In 2 months my D-Day will hit one year, and with H deployments, the recovery kind of sets us back. All I can do is pray and continue to raise my kids (which has been challenging at times), but when I look back to the first time he left last year after discovering A, I can see I made progress, and we as couple have made progress in the communication department, but still have a ways to go.

You've came to the right place. If you need to vent, I'm here just about everyday. You take care of yourself and your baby. God Bless you.

FAM5


M:Feb.'96
D-Day: 4th of July '07
BS:(Me) almost 32
FWH: 35
DS: almost 14
DD: almost 12
DD: just turned 4
Holy Spirit entered my heart: when preg. w/ DS '94
Accepted Christ as my Saviour: 5/98
I Love my Family Forever
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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Welcome. It will be a bit more difficult with him gone, but I'm very optimistic, since he realizes he made a huge mistake. I hope you are able to write to him. That way, you can tell him how you feel, and try to find out the reason for the affair.

You will be starting with a Plan A. That includes chatty correspondence about what is going on in your life. Try to be upbeat and let thim know that you want to work on the marriage, and have a marriage that is much better than the one before the affair.

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it's good to know there are other military wives here! it's hard to understand what it's really like for us unless you have been married to the military. books and church have been my way of coping as well. i will suggest to him to see a chaplain. that is a good idea. it's so hard because like you said, i can't vent to him. it's up to me to help keep his mind right while he is at war. i don't want him to get himself or someone else hurt because his mind is off in la la land thinking about me being mad at him or what i might do. that's why it's so hard to deal with this situation. i have to be so careful about what i say. the affair occured during the month of february, and he left in the beginning of march. our son was born at the end of feb. we also have a 21 month old daughter. it's hard to fix things in a situation like this!


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 128
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so what's plan A?


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 84
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Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 84
Hi AW,

Do you know if your H still has contact with OW? I know he's deployed, but he can still find other means of staying in touch with her. Do you know who OW is? Is she a co-worker or non-military?

The thing with my H A and it being with someone he worked with, I had the power as the wife to put an end to it. OW and my H had to sign papers for NC. I ordered a MPO(military protection order) on OW. I also got a hold with H command through the Chaplain. I really do advise Chaplains over military family sevices. My H was confronted overseas. He didn't get demoted, but he got a strong stiff warning. I did write a letter to his command, which one of the Chaplains helped me with. At that moment looking back, I was so scared for him and for us as a family for financial reasons. My H is about to retire in a few years. He worked his tail off to get where he's at in his career. And he basically threw it away for his selfishness. But boy did he get lucky. I was told if I had submitted the evidence, it would of went to trial. But all I wanted was for him to be confronted and to wake up to see what the heck he was doing to himself, his family and his career, for some piece of a$$. I can actually say through all this pain and devastation, he is a good guy. He had a lot respect in his workplace. People loved him, my family loves him, and my kid's and I love him very much. But because he couldn't communicate his emotions to me or confide in a friend about what was going on inside of him, he chose the wrong path with heavy, heavy consequences that are now weighing on our marriage. But the steps you can take is getting a hold of the ombudsmen wife from his unit/command, and see if they can give you some phone numbers that can help direct you in the right path on what steps to take for your marriage. You can also ask for his Chaplain's contact number, which I'd recommend. If for some reason you can't get a hold of his Chaplain, you can start by contacting the base he was stationed at before deploying and just see if you can speak with any Chaplain. If that works, talk to that Chaplain about your story, and I'm sure he would give you the best way possible of dealing with this situation.

Unfortuantely, especially the military lifestyle, A are very common. I've been M to my H over 12 years now, and in our M I'd discuss with him how easy it is to get sucked into this lifestyle of messing around, especially when your marriage is at a weak point, which is another common struggle of military life, because we're apart more times than not. We were not seeing my H regularly, he worked 2 jobs for the past 10 years, he was sleep deprived. It took it's toll on him physically, and it took it's toll on me emotionally. So we were both resenting each other.

The only true power I have is God. The Lord has brought me to my Pastor, my family, H family, Chaplains, H command, books to help guide me through this mess, and counselors. One thing I know that I want and just about what everyone else wants that is their M is struggling through infidelity, is it to survive and thrive on the other side of this storm. As much as I'm hurting, and as much as at times I want to give up on my M, I know that the Lord has a plan for me and a plan for everyone else struggling and fighting for their M to overcome this. I know with every tear I shed and every pain I feel down to my bones, that there is something bigger and better. But in order to get their, we have to have faith and just keep going, keep pressing on.

The pain hits you pretty good, a pain like you've never felt in your life. You can't even describe it. I remember D-Day, my middle child was right there when I found out... man, the pain on her face. She begged for H and I not to divorce. Never seen her react that way to anything since she's been on this earth.

AW... just hold your babies tight and pray for your H heart. Read books upon books. Review them over and over. Share with your H in letters with what you've learned from the books. Get IC. There were times when I didn't even want to go for my couseling sesions. I thought at times, "why should I go, I didn't create this mess?" True, but I had to do it to cope or function enough to care for my children. My children are a lot older than yours, but regardless, no matter what stages you are in parenting, it's all challenging, and especially during a deployment with infidelity. The first month my H was deployed last year, I had basically fell apart. I isolated myself, I looked very ill, I wasn't a mother to my kid's. My children were checking up on me. My father had to come and run some of my arrands for me the first month (thank you Lord for that!). I was too paranoid to drive, my mind wasn't there. I was in such shock, and thinking to myself, my H left us like this. The Pastor's wife would call to check on me. I mean the littlelest thing that we take for granted in life, I couldn't accomplish. It was scary and heartbreaking. I do wish I had came to these forums sooner. I came across the website, but didn't really utilize it. It took me a good couple of months to get back into some sort of routine with my children (mind you, I also homeschool them). I absolutley felt out of control with everything. All we can do is take it day by day. There's going to be days where you feel like it's neverending. Like I said before, when looking back, I do see some progress with myself and H.

I will pray for you and your H. I know all this hurts beyond description, but I also know you love him, or you wouldn't be here. So my words of encouragement to you is don't give up, cause I won't. You are not alone. Take care of yourself and your babies.

FAM5


M:Feb.'96
D-Day: 4th of July '07
BS:(Me) almost 32
FWH: 35
DS: almost 14
DD: almost 12
DD: just turned 4
Holy Spirit entered my heart: when preg. w/ DS '94
Accepted Christ as my Saviour: 5/98
I Love my Family Forever
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 128
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Posts: 128
thank you!
H says he hasnt talked to "bucky" (that's what i call her cause she has huge teeth) since he asked me if we could work things out. he said talking to her is like talking to a stranger because they only knew eachother for the month of the A. he also deleted her off his myspace. but now he's saying that he gets to take his leave next month and that he has to stop at her house on his way here to get his stuff that he left there and that he left important army documents there. i told him the only way this will work is if he cuts off communication with her completely and that he should just ask her to mail the papers to him. he says he cut her off but that he doesnt trust that she'll actually mail them.
i did get ahold of some of the other wives and got the numbers i need, and i thought about starting a case against him when this first happened. however, sometimes i think he did it on purpose to try to get out of going to iraq. i know he was very scared and wasn't handling it well, and that has a lot to do with the sudden change, sudden partying/drinking, and the A. another thing that contributed to it was the long-distance relationship not being satisfying for either of us. we also have our issues just like any other couple does, but we are both big-time conflict avoiders.
what exactly is plan A? from what i've seen in other posts, it is exposing the relationship. that was actually my first reaction. as soon as he told me he had the OW i called his dad. then i told everyone i came in contact with... all his and my family,all of our friends, his co-workers, his superiors... and everyone had something to say to him about it. everyone was trying to talk some sense into him. i also messaged the OW on myspace and made sure she knew he was married and had a family, but she said she didnt care, so i really gave her a piece of my mind and told her if i ever see her i'm gonna kick her big teeth down her throat. i also messaged her mom and told her the situation and all she said was her daughter just has to make her mistakes and live with them. i'm not sure what to do at this point though. we both want to work on our relationship, but we dont really know how.
oh, by the way, "bucky" is one of the guys in H's unit's cousin. she lives about 3 hours from the base.
thank you for your prayers. i pray for my H everyday.

Last edited by armywifie; 05/05/08 07:40 PM.

Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 13
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Offline
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Joined: May 2008
Posts: 13
My H had a brief A with another military woman while he was stationed 4 3 weeks in Utah (6 years ago). The woman had begun emailing him & calling his cell phone. He maintained the telephone & email relationship with the woman for 4 months after he left Utah. I discovered the A when I ran across an email that the woman had sent to him. I confronted him & he called the woman so that they can get their stories together. The woman then responded stating that she was cheating with my H friend but they were using my H's email address so that his wife would not find out.

I discovered another email that the woman sent trying to convince my H to come visit her in her home state. She wanted him to take her to her class reunion. I confronted my H & he confessed. He let OW know that it was over but OW did not go away without a fight.

I put him out of the house & he got stationed at another base about a hour away. I was looking for help dealing with my feelings, so I found the MB website. H said that he loved me & did not want our marriage to end. I was angry & hurt. Especially when the woman tried to insinuate that she was pregnant (which turned out to be a lie). H had been smart enough to use a condom the two times they were together sexually. OW also admitted to condom use also so H doubted that she was pregnant. After finding out that the woman was not preg, he & I begin to put our broken marriage back together.

He & I followed the principles of MB. H cut off all contact with the woman. He deactivated his email address & changed his cell phone #. We concentrated on our marriage but it was hard because H was stationed about 1 hour away. I began to doubt his fidelity because he was living on the barracks away from me. But, it turned out to be the best thing that we could have done for our marriage. I can't speak for everyone else but separation worked for us. He got time to think about what was TRULY important to him.

He & I began to date again. We spent time getting to know one another again. We began to enjoy each other. He knew that he had to prove himself to me. I had to let my anger, mistrust, & hurt go. It was hard at first. I was bitter & resentful. The distance between us helped me to resolve my feelings.

My H is deployed too but is returning soon. When he left, I can truly say that there was no doubt or mistrust that came through my mind. I only thought about how much I love him & how much I would miss him.

My point is that sometimes a little distance can help married couples to clear their heads. Distance can give both people the chance to think about what is important. In your case, your H sees that you are there for him when he needs support. That will say a lot to him.

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Military life is hell ain't it.
My WW had an A while deployed for 8 mos last year, just found out 2 mos ago. Just getting into the whole routine of seeing how things play out. We're both active duty, both deployed at one time or another. I ain't no saint but I've been "on the wagon" so to speak for 5 yrs. Things have been kinda rough since '03 but nothing too bad, at least I thought. 8 mos apart can do something to the strongest of people. I thought she was strong, but knew it was just a matter of time and circumstance. Society is like that now, not right, but that's just how it is.

Been working on plan A for 2 mos now. Seem to be making slow progress, WW is still scared of us going back to how our M used to be. Using all her WW justifications of why she isn't committed to our marriage just yet. We've been married 18 yrs. She paid for A with her career, much better than mine but now lost to a bad choice. Nothing too bad, just early retirement. She's still angry about everything. I'm being the good husband for once, hope it's not too late.

I understand how the military spouse feels. I've lived both ends of the deal in my 23 yrs. We are stronger than most, but do break. I hope everyone finds their way, as I hope to find mine. Hopefully my path ends with my wife.

As they say though, "it's your bed, you lie in it"


FWH/BS (me)42, FBS/WW 39, married 18 yrs, WW A discovered 3/03/2008, my A discovered 06/2003

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