Hello everyone,

I have visited this site off an on since D-Day 7/15/03. My FWH and I are fully recovered.

That being said, this past weekend my husband and I discussed our past briefly. He said that he thinks our mentors (who helped us work through the A) have little contact with us, and my husband's best friend (their son-who knew we were having problems but not why) has basically abandoned the friendship because of something our mentors leaked to the family, etc.

I simply stated that, knowing what I know now, because of MB, that I would have exposed to his best friend, his parents, my mom, his boss, and the pastor.

He was soooo upset! He basically said everything MB states a WS would say after exposure...that it is spiteful and a betrayal. He can't believe I would do such a thing! There are people who know about our A because I physically could not do it alone. 3-4 of my friends know because I was so distraught, I just couldn't hold it in. Our mentors knew, and my mother. That's it. I never exposed to his family, or our pastor (he was on staff!!!). I wish that I had because somewhere deep down I feel if everyone knew, he wouldn't have those doubts in his mind wondering what people would think if they "really" knew him.

I told him that exposure is not out of spite but out of needing an alliance of people to help fight for the marriage. He wouldn't buy it! He got so angry. I said, "Is this because you feel that you could have an A again, and now you know that I would expose?" He said no. He said that all exposure does is bring on possibly lifelong consequences of family discord and lost friendships. I encouraged him that the people in our lives would still love him even if they knew (they know SOMETHING terrible happened between us...it doesn't take a rocket scientist to make a few guesses). He stated that I could never know for sure how they would react. This is true, but it wasn't MY problem. I didn't have the A.

So...bottom line. We are fully recovered. He is accountable for his time, loving, fully invested in the relationship. He will never have another A.

But it hurt him that knowing what I know now (that we fully recovered), that I would still go back and expose. He finds that vindictive. Am I way off base here?

I wanted to send him a link on this site about exposure, but Dr. Harley doesn't speak on it specifically (not that I can find.)

Can anyone shed some light? I haven't felt so devastated in a long time...

Oh and one more thing...

Because I did not expose at his work, he continued having an affair with 2 other women for 4 more agonizing months. I didn't get him to quit his job until November!!! Talk about pain.

He then said that if I had exposed, then we would have been up a creek financially (which is the #1 cause of divorce). I just simply told him that my priority was to save the marriage from the A, THEN we could work on the $$.

It scared me that he felt so strongly about it. And it scared me that it brought back such terrible memories and feelings. Maybe we have so much more to work through.

Yes, there are consequences for adultery. No one is obliged to protect an adulterer from those consequences. He is not entitled to keep his "friendships" based on a lie. He may lose friends over his adultery, but that is his fault and no one elses.

But, It is not EXPOSURE that brings on lifelong consequences, but ADULTEROUS AFFAIRS. He has this backwards and is blaming the messenger instead of the one at fault. If a person ends his relationship with an adulterer, it is because they are an ADULTERER. That is a consequence of having an affair. Some people want nothing to do with an adulterer and that is their right and choice.

I exposed to my family and my H has a great relationship with them today. That is because he went to them HAT IN HAND and apologized for mistreating me and promised never to do it again. They forgave him. But it was his responsibility entirely to make amends for his bad behavior. No one elses.

Your H is clearly blaming the wrong party.

Thank you so much! I will send this to him.

Anyone have thoughts on why this would be an issue NOW?

I agree, and thank you for the response. What do you think about him being so upset NOW? He is faithful to me. We are doing wonderfully. This just came out of nowhere.

I have no reason to believe he is contemplating or in another A.

Why would he be so angry when he has done everything necessary to recover our marriage?

Is it shame? And shame only?

I wish so much that I had exposed now because we are not called to live in condemnation. He is NOT that man. He is MY man...the man I love and married! I desperately pray that he is able to truly forgive himself.

A, you would have to tell us why he feels this way after this time, I have no idea. He is demonstrating blameshifting and dishonesty. Are those normal traits for him?

No, he is honest. I would say that he does tend to blameshift. But he has taken FULL blame for the A. I'm so confused. Maybe this is more about the people he loves knowing the truth rather than whether or not exposure is useful.

This is a huge red flag to me that he needs counseling to recover himself. I've gone in recently to learn how to forgive myself of my past mistakes, and I'm thinking it would be highly beneficial to him.

More blameshifting. If he lost his job it would have been because of the ADULTERY, not the affair. His choices, not yours. An employer has a right to know if their employees are placing in legal jeopardy by conducting workplace affairs.

Your H has a WAYWARD MENTALITY, Annointed. Why do you think that is?

Wow. He has typically wanted things his way his whole life. He has learned to compromise; thank goodness for him he married a strong willed woman! Who I am as a person has shown him that I will not accept anything less than respect, and I have learned to reciprocate. (I have been a hypocrite in the past and only wanted things MY way as well. What a pair!)

Here is an email I just received from him:

"I just wanted to say that my love for you is overwhelming to me when I sit and think about it just for a second. I'm sorry I do not always get it out that way. I love you and I'm so glad that you are mine and I am yours."

I was told by the afore mentioned mentors that when we did fully recover, he would be sooo grateful and amazed at my love and committment to him. This is true.

I think you are right. He's concerned about how the people he knows would think of him. He's concerned about his "reputation". However, IMO someone's good reputation is more dependent on the good things they do and how they try to correct their mistakes, rather than the bad things that they try to keep hidden.

Also, I think your H may also find out that those people already know about the A - such "news" has a way of reaching all parties concerned by whatever channel is available. If he's worried about his "reputation", it might have already been compromised.

I agree wholeheartedly!! In fact, that is what started this whole conversation...wondering if his best friend found out, and that is why he doesn't call anymore. If the exposure had happened, it would have been hard but such a positive things for me AND him.

I have a different take on this.


People who have skeletons in their closets live in fear.

Plain and simple.


Fear makes us act and react in strange ways.


He is afraid of many, many things.

Sure, the reputation issue is one of these things in the mix. But there is much, much more. He would have to face rumors, judgement, having to explain himself to those who had the guts to ask him questions, maybe fallout at his job.

But the biggest thing I think that is at work is the thought process in his own mind.

Guilt.

When we have committed such an offense against others, and have not had open repentence and atonement, there is a process that happens where the recovery in our own minds is - for lack of a better word - incomplete.

Because this was buried, he now lives with the fear that at any time or place someone will "find out", and he will have to face it. Or that someone who is angry with him will expose it out of spite. And in the end, he lacks any control over when, where, and/or how this comes out - if it ever does.

It makes a person very nervous.


That's my take.


SB

Thank you so much for your reply, Schoolbus. I sent him a copy of what Dr. Harley says about exposure in an email. We had a great day yesterday, and he never mentioned it. I don't know if that is just him choosing to get along or if he's considering what I'm saying. Either way, it doesn't change the past.

All of you betrayed spouses, PLEASE expose! It does more than stop the affair. It brings healing!! Satan cannot whisper accusations about things that are out in the light for everyone to see.