WW informed this weekend that she wanted to finally be truthful, that her affair was indeed physical, and in fact she F'd him multiple times including unprotected sex in my living room while I was at work and my 2yo son was in his crib in the room above them.

I am inconsolable.

I am taking my time to assess whether I want to stay in the marriage or not. I realize that I am once again in shock, and need to go through the post trauma steps before I make my decision.

This latest revelation, though it does mark a turn toward honesty for WW, is nonetheless completely devastating. I assumed that there was more to the story as I can read WW like a book, and knew she was not being truthful with me. However, in my mind I had a glimmer of hope, and was basing the decision to try to recover on "at least she didn't F him."...

That is now decimated along with my hopes and dreams for the future of our family, and even the sanctity of our home which has also been irreversably tainted. I feel like I have nothing anymore with the exception of my son, who at 3yo is not someone I can really lean on for support.

I actually had a fleeting thought which is perhaps the most dreadful one of my life where for an instant I actually felt that his existence was a burden not a blessing because it prevents me from just ending my misery by cutting ties with this stranger I find myself married to.

She has asked me to give her one more chance. She asked me several time to "let" her show me that she intends to make an effort to make things right between us. My response was that she doesn't need my permission to do what's right, and by virtue of my taking time to assess and not make a purely emotional decision, by default she has some time to show me through actions not words that she's sincere.

She's told me plenty of happy sh*t in the last year, and proved unequivocally through her actions that she can not be believed or trusted.

As many of you know, my entire focus on this has been to salvage our marriage to have the best possible home and family for us and our son. I am afraid that this most despicable realization about who she is capable of being is a dealbreaker for me.
It is completely incomprehensible to me how she could choose to do this to herself and to her family.

I have told her that she needs to do whatever she needs to do to make herself the best person she can possibly be for herself anf for our son. That regardless of whether I choose to stay married to her, she will always be the mother of my son and he deserves better than who she's become.

As this is so important to me I have offered to help her in any way that I can. It is her responsibility however to figure out what issues she has, self esteem, whatever and take measures to correct and imprive herself because she deserves to be a better person, I believe she can do it, and again, my sone deserves better.

For her part, she does seem genuinely remorseful for the first time, and appears to actually be concerned about me for the first time in about a year and a half. I can only hope that this time she truly does mean it. She is posting here as ilovemyhubbie (NOT ilovemyhusband), she is talking to MrsW, and she did schedule a phone session with SH us for this thursday morning. I only wish she had listened, or come to this conclusion before she decided she needed to invite RB to our home to F him.

As I said, it is important to me for her to get her sh*t together for herself and our son, and I will do what I can to assist that. I don't however see at this point that I can stay married to her considering the duration and depth of betrayal.

I guess time will tell.

I don't have much time to answer during the day as I am at work, and literally on the cusp of having my business fail and losing the house to foreclosure because I haven't been able to adequately focus on work for the last 9 months. I will be checking in this evening with WW to review our posts and the advice whithin.

I want to thank everyone who has been there for me throughout this atrocity, and to thank in advance whomever chimes in to help ILMH with what she needs.

Thanks.
As I mentioned in my post, she scheduled one for this Thursday...

I know how you feel about this trigger. It's tough.

I had an image in my head as well of my WW being a reluctant participant in her ONS, sort of falling for the moment and strugging with her conscience while it happened.

Well, the reality was different once I got all the facts.

So I can relate to how you feel.

That being said, I never had a remorseful WW and would have liked to have had a chance to preserve my family.

So you're lucky in that sense and this is something you're going to try and get past if you want to save your marriage.

She's on here and talking to FWWs. Mrs. W and resonance are awesome for that.

They will be able to help her see how much pain she's inflicted on you.

You also have an appointment with the pros so they will help guide you.

Best of luck.

Wow. It reeks.

In your home too ?

That's really low. Yes you know the truth, but its sort of difficult to be too enthusiastic isn't it ?

You are right to calm yourself before making any decision as to what to do next.

No advice, just empathy, mate.

The truth isn't pleasant is it?

But, its better than KNOWING you don't know the truth. The truth didn't change, the reality of the situation has been ugly, you just didn't know it, and in some ways, you contributed to that because you really didn't WANT it to be true. I understand.

Before, your recovery was a sham, much like she made your marriage a sham. Now you get to find out if recovery is really possible, based on REALITY.

I'm sorry for what you found, but I'm glad you found it. We're here for you, its going to be hard, but you can get through this.

Man, I went for almost 9 months thinking that they just kissed. She finally confessed that they did have SF once. It was in our bed on Valentine's day, and it was her that set it up. She says she knew she was going to regret it when it happened, and it never happened again. Well, it was terrible to hear, but I suspected it all along.

There is nothing more terrible than finding that your wife had SF with another man. The thing is, it often isn't about the F part of SF. They may be thrilled with the SF with you, but they want to get closer or bond or whatever with the OM. It isn't easy to get over, but if you really love the woman and would be happy with her if there was no A, than I think you should give it a shot. I am. Once. If it happens again, you can always Plan D. If she is truly remorseful and will do what it takes to reconcile and recover...and not relapse, give her a chance. Do fun things with her, meet the EN's and avoid the LB's, and the pain will begin to fade. I wish you all the best.

I haven't followed your thread, but it rings true for me. My FWH admitted an EA to me two years ago and ended the contact. He then continued to have a PA with OW for two more years. Then he came clean with me that it had been a PA all along and that it continued long after the first ending.

For me, somehow having the time to digest the EA first and then later learning of the PA was easier to handle. It gave me a sense of vindication that I wasn't a complete lunatic that whole time, thinking that something was going on. Of course, it hurts and I have HUGE triggers with relation to SF with H right now, but after the initial shock passed, I was able to start seeing the commitment he had.

My H didn't HAVE to tell me about the PA. He didn't get caught. He just decided that he needed to be honest with me to make our M work. (I know, duh!) The fact that your WW has come clean AGAIN, may be a good thing (even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment). She may have been in such a fog when the EA was exposed that she couldn't imagine adding fuel to the fire, maybe even had a hard time admitting to herself what she did. For some reason, she decided that she needed to tell you about the PA to move forward. She is showing you that she wants to be honest, even though it's not easy.

I'm not a push-over and I DO EXPECT my H to show me through his actions that he is committed to this M. He knows in no uncertain terms that this is it. There are no more chances after this. And he works hard to follow the Four Rules from MB and to meet the ENs of our relationship. It's new ground for him. He's spent four years distanced from our R because he was with OW. But every day that he shows me through his actions (not through his words because those are hard to trust), we grow a little stronger.

It is possible. Hold on...don't quit yet. Let her SHOW you her commitment. Follow the advice here. These people are VERY knowledgeable. Take some time. You are right. You are in shock and you need to come out of that before you make any BIG decisions.

Good luck.

I hear you, Marc. The fact that she was so romantically involved emotionally with him was a killer, and frankly the EA if it weren't for our son was enough for me to throw her out like garbage. The F-ing, the closeness of unprotected sex with him for G*D SAKES is inconceivably hurtful. And as in your case, each time she invited him to our home to do it...

I now have no sanctuary.

First of all, just calm down and let this sink in for a little while before taking any action. You'll be in shock for the next few weeks, so don't make any decisions now based on your current state. I think you and your FWW will be able to get through this.

Also, does OMW know about this latest revelation? If not, she should be told.

jmwc-
The issue about finally being honest with RBW is on ilovemyhubbie's thread.
WW initially lied to RBW about the nature of their "friendship". She has decided to send RBW a letter detailing the adultery. Feel free to check out ILMH's thread if you like...

BobP, thanks for the support.

PROPS UP!!!

Time to bend over and push kiddo.

This is as sh1tty as reality gets for you right now.

I tell you now I'm not over the physical betrayal even yet, BUT life can still be worth living and marriage still be viable. Don't chuck it just yet.

Grim though matey.

TTH...I will not try to console you, because I realize it isn't possible. There's nothing worse than what you are feeling right now. Give yourself as much time as you need to cope with this devastation.

We are here for you...and I will continue to work with ILMH. W2S if off to work soon, but I'm sure he will be in later...

Hold on, buddy!

Mine told him she loved him a couple of times. How's that for fun to hear??? I had a terrible time dealing with it on and off, and had a few setbacks, but it really is better. Well, I have had almost two months to process things, and it is a lot better. We have two children, and they were a big part of my decision to stay, too. I have definitely thought about throwing her out with the trash, but the problem is that we have the most wonderful, beautiful, and intelligent kids, and I can't bear to see them scarred by divorce. If another A were to happen, I would leave and do anything and everything in my power to be certain the kids went with me to protect them from her. Also, I love her, and so long as she loves me by remaining faithful and being a good wife, I will continue to devote myself to her. Please, man, just give it a while and do your best to get things right between you all, because you might regret doing something rash. She was stupid, but just try to get through this step in the disaster and see if things don't get better. If you are a religious person, you might want to spend more time in prayer than you have. It won't hurt.

Try...

Know what I see as a positive in this? That what pushed ILMH to be honest with you was reading SAA, specifically the part about radical honesty...Know what that tells me Try? That you now have a WILLING FWS on your hands...One who is reading Harley material and is learning and applying it-she's posting and has made an appt. with Steve Harley-these are VERY POSITIVE things...Your marriage is very recoverable if you want it...Like Mr. W told you the other night on the phone, and others here have said, make no decisions just yet, okay?

I'm very glad to see you here posting...(((((Try)))))

Mrs. W

To those that may be interested in posting to ilovemyhubbie, please do so. She is working 'til 5 and does not have access to a computer so she can't reply til later, but she can use all the help she can get.
She got onboard late, and has a mad scramble to get caught up if this marriage is going to work.

Thank you all for your kind words and support...

If living in the house will cause to many triggers you may be better served by moving.

TTH,

My FWH and his OW had their affair in my home.

I have that one last hurdle to cross. We are about 2 and a half years post d-day. We are in the process of remodeling.


I got rid of the bed, although they both say "it" never happened there. I got rid of furniture I thought was tainted. I got rid of carpets. I painted rooms.

It wasn't enough, so we are remodeling the whole place. I get all new furniture.

It's the least he can do, and I think it will do the trick.

Besides, he's an architect, and he needs to remodel this old place. Gives him something constructive to do (pun intended).


If your WW is really remorseful, and you two both work, you can make it through this.

SB

TTH, I'm sorry Man, and I can relate.

I remember this feeling well. I remember being physically ill picturing OM in places in my home where I had previously felt so safe and secure...it was a pain I was not prepared for...a pain that could not be treated, ignored or medicated. However, it DID pass. Not quickly, not easily, and not until much time had passed and much growth had occured.

My WW had had OM in our bedroom in one end of the house while kids were in the other. She'd installed door locks (yeah, no kidding!) to preserve her "privacy" so no wandering kids would find out. This all happened while I was away doing my thing for our country...while she was the wife of a commanding officer...

It's gonna hurt, but as some have already told you, the reality of the situation has not changed...only your awareness of it.

Several things I'd suggest:

- No matter what ILMH does now, it is up to YOU to decide how you want to handle this.

- You will have (as we've already seen) a tidal wave of emotions that come from this discovery...but then again...nothing has changed.

- Do NOT make any life-altering decisions under the influence of these emotions.

- Focus on you...eat right, go to gym, do things for yourself.

- Come here to read, think and listen.

- Continue to love your wife...ignore WW.

TTH, you are not alone, and none of this is new...know that you will get through this.

L2F