This is my perspective on why men have affairs based on my own experiences as both the betrayer (over 10 yr period) and the betrayed....<P>When we first marry generally speaking...we have a picture of what life is going to be like with this friend and lover of ours whom we are crazy about want to spend so much time with...we want to be one with them and we want to learn their idiosyncrasies likes and dislikes...there are things about them that we adore and are so proud of,and for a while cannot find much fault with them at all...<P>Seeing our future in our hearts and mind as being so happy and prosperous...with children, good income, excess dollars in the bank, successful etc...<P>This picture begins to get shattered after time when we discover there are things about her we dont like…and the future that looked so rosy doesnt look so rosy anymore...<BR> <BR>The kids we looked forward to having so much, turn out to be noisy, time consuming, attention grasping and generally occupy all of her time, leaving little time for romance intimate conversation and even general conversation that close friends engage in..<P>The responsibility of being married can start to weigh a little heavy...…financial burdens of house, furniture, car, other goods, the insatiable demand of kids clothes, toys, schooling, care and sporting activities all add to this weight that never seems to end...<BR>She seems so occupied with other things and even if she does not have a career, she does not seem to have time left for me anymore...<BR>I can start thinking...perhaps she does not love me anymore..? she does not seem to care for me as much as she used to...??<BR>I want what we used to have...I deserve better than this...I deserve some happiness... <P>I will test her!! and make critical remarks just to see how she takes it...and when she reacts angrily or in some other negative way... I can say to myself I knew it!!!now I can accuse her of infidelity...or of other nasty things...and the gap between us widens....<P>The romantic ideal of our future has now all but disappeared and the seeds of discomfort and negative thought can pervade ones psyche...this is the time when the weight of responsibility can trigger memories of deep emotional pain, of feeling unloved..unwanted...a nuinsance...youare in the way... long buried but not forgotten by the subconcious come into being for close examination...but is misinterpreted by the man as relating to and representing his present circumstances....something else he blames her and the marriage for....<P>This is where the going gets tough and one has to become a man...lots of men never mature past this point and prefer to stay in their boyhood memory where it feels safe, wishing for Mom to come make things better, and of course she dosent...and he gets angry..<P>He can be driven to go on a fruitless search for the soul mate, safety, affairs, from woman to woman in search of that comfort love and attention he craves and getting angrier and angrier when it does not happen...and at best develop a distrust of women, in the extreme a hatred of women...<P>But whichever it is he is driven to seeking women constantly for comfort and love... <P>He cannot seem to help himself its like a drug and can become hopelessly addicted to closeness disguised as sexual addiction...his thoughts constantly filled with sexual fantasy and female images most of his waking hours...<P>Why he is like this can be his young painful memories of separation or some painful feelings of abandonment, being left out..unloved etc…from his Mom or some feminine icon whom he trusted and loved as a youngster ..... the hurt and pain turn to fear..then he would fear loving any woman too closely... he would fear the intimacy so much everytime they get close enough emotionally to touch the pain and hurt of the long buried memory so he would have to put some distance between them to feel safe...<BR>An affair is an ideal way of doing this...he succeeds in getting the distance that makes him feel safe....he gets what he feels is love and comfort the nurturing he craves.....and has a back up comfort zone and safety in the OW ..port in a storm if his spouse throws him out....( he is not going to be hurt by a woman again!) <P>He makes comparisons between the two relationships and can think that his affair with the ow is the greatest thing because he feels so free with her and can communicate with her like no other (this is easy when there are no responsibilities of family and finances children etc and where there is newness of discovery and exploration) may make him think he married the wrong woman etc....but all this crashes around his ears because the unresolved motivations buried deep within him that started this in the first place go with him into the next relationship and when he takes on the responsibilities that go with a committed relationship, and he has discovered and explored everything about her....the fears return, the mundane and responsibilities of life are all back again and so begins his merry go round...<P>To me this is the main reason for infidelity and can apply equally to women too....<P>There are other reasons for male infidelity of course....here is another...<P>I would call this one life reckoning...some call it mid life crisis...this is where he begins to realise he is closer to his death than to his birth...and realises his mortality...time is running out...wonders about his attractiveness....perceives his lost youth thats gone forever...so can start preening and flirting making himself vibrationally available etc (women do this too).... what he is missing out on... <P>Can start to find fault with his spouse partly to give him the courage and justification for his thoughts and or actions and partly to create a distance from her to feel safe enough to have an affair....<P>He can file a whole lot of these demeaning thoughts about his spouse and build up in his mind a good case for having an affair or leaving her if things get rough...<P>He can behave in other nasty ways towards her and treat her badly in general....or keep silent and not communicate at all... can start the affair in secrecy and maintain that for quite some time...<P>Not all will do it this way of course as we are all individuals..this is just one scenario...some will just go do it without thinking about it at all...and say it just happened spontaneously...if she had not put the make on me I would not have done it blaming their actions on the OW...<P>I believe affairs are never about not loving the wives or husbands or problems relating to the marriage in itself... it is all about deep pain and hurt motivating us to growth understanding and change...and even though the pain and devastation is intense as we have all experienced in here...the strength compassion...care..forgiveness..love, spiritual beauty, and touch of God whatever each percieves that to be...enters ones life because of it....<P>It teaches us to be less needy...to be stronger and stand on our own two feet and not be so hooked into each other so if one dies or leaves we are not so desolate, bereft with nothing left of ourselves...<P>It teaches us to respect each other and realise we are individuals and need our own space so we can grow as individuals and make choices to be together not from desperate need but from love care and acceptance of ourselves as being worthy of our own space and not so reliant on others for our happiness and well being...<P>It teaches us how to communicate with each other...with tolerance, understanding, and value of the others opinions and feelings...<P>It teaches us to value our input into relationships and not take things and each other for granted...<P>It teaches us that if we want a balanced loving relationship we add ourselves to the other by choice and love and not by need and dependency.....<P>It teaches us we are humans that can love, learn, understand, forgive, and become aware of ourselves and our world around us..and be so much more than we thought we could be...<P>If you have read this far I hope it was worth your while.. <P>Many blessings...<P>cossie<P><BR>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P><p>[This message has been edited by cossie (edited October 13, 1999).]

cossie -- Very enlightening and thought provoking. Thank you.<P>God Bless

Cossie,VERY VERY BAD nite for me. Too many glasses of Merlot and a bad attitude. But I agree so much with what you have said. I think this is exactly what happened to my H. But, he can't see the forest for the trees and is NOT coming home. He says he is happy where he is with his many new friends, and the attention he gets from his work environment. He won't take a moment t o see or think about what we could have, after living thru this experience. And I believe it could be so much better, having learned so much. <BR><BR>Hate to admit it, but I have gotten myself into a nasty relationship. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Craving the attention, etc. And I am up and down, all over the place with this new guy who can't give me what I really need. I did so well for many months without H and now I am spiraling down to my darkest place.<BR><BR>I hated the nights, and the days aren't much better. I am becoming my own worst enemy.

Hi Cossie -<P>Thank you so much for this thread!!!<P>If you are familiar with me at all on here you know that I could go nuts and ask you fifty million questions!! LOL!!<P>Would you mind a few, though?<P>I believe that my H has experienced both of the scenarios you pose as to why affairs might occur.....Is that like a double-whammy situation that makes it all the more difficult to realize anything about yourself?<P>What you said about the way the perceptions and way of thinking changes with Life's realities....during the course of this is there any rational thought about what the wife is experiencing and/or what the man is doing/or not doing that might contribute to the problems within the marriage?<P>You speak of "teaches Us"....who is "us"? Both the betrayer and betrayed?<P>If you are referring to the male betrayer....when, how or what would be the catalyst to begin to understand the "teachings"?<P>I could go on and on with the "wonderful Whack-A-Doodle" husband of mine and his current lifestyle and there possible reasons......but I don't want your brain to fry like mine has!!! LOL!!!<P>Again, Thanks,<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

cossie,<P>Thanks a lot. I have been a betrayer and now a betrayed. You described so much of what I have been through. <P>nlp

Hi Cossie,<P>Great insight, I am going to make it a point to look for your threads to read because this one was so good. I figured you must be a writer.

Cossie,<BR>Good insights on why a H or W betrays. My H is 48, OW is my age, 39. He told me she came on to him (???and he couldn't say no???), he does not volunteer any information about his relationship with her (not surprising)...H and I discussed almost all of these issues you bring up. I pointed out to him that the reason she is so appealing is because she is bouncy, has no children, just divorced, no responsibilities and showers him with attention. I, on the other hand, have to work 40 hours per week, take care of a 13 y.o. and a 16 y.o. (not easy, so many issues with them), take care of a 9 room house (I do clean every week, don't like a messy house). <BR>The laundry is endless and I always cook a meal from scratch, I am trying to finish a college degree (which is on hold right now, due to the stress H and OW have put me through). Anyone who decides to enter into marriage should first have a meeting with a bunch of married people like us to really understand that being married, having children, having a mortgage, plus everything else...and that achieving all this is no small feat. It takes a lot of effort on both sides, It is wrong for a wife or husband to turn their back on these responsibilities and go off with another man/woman. Marriage is a beautiful institution, the births of our children is beautiful, the love a H and W<BR>feel for each other is beautiful, the physical intimacy is beautiful, buying a new piece of furniture for the house is beautiful, taking a walk together is beautiful, attending your child's school plays, graduations, cheering them on at sports is beautiful...all this can be thrown <BR>away or seriously damaged by a third person <BR>(an intruder). To all cheaters....is it really worth it to you ? When you trade in your husband/wife for someone else, it won't be long when you realize they have faults too, faults you might not like...something to think about.

I think having children puts a lot of strain on a marriage when is either used to (from his mother) or craves, huge amounts of attention.<P>Just the logistics of maintaining a home when you have children -- cooking, feeding, cleaning, laundry, driving, helping with homework, etc., etc. can really cause the marriage to suffer, unless both parties commit to some "couple time."<P>In my case, not having children was the best thing I ever did. My H needs a lot of attention, and he found that nurturance elsewhere while I was finishing grad school. What would have happen if we had children?<P>

Very,very insightful! You described my H perfectly as he himself expressed those very same feelings. I also agree that affairs are not totaly bad. I have learned alot about myself and we have learned to really communicate for the first time in 16 years. I feel closer to my H now than I ever have. His affair was painful,but in the long run he came back to me and has been nothing but loving and honest.<BR>Thank You for your post!<P>Jill

Hi Cossie,<P> I think you have hit the nail on the head in our case. My H is the youngest child, had a very domineering mother and wants someone to take care of him....he is used to alot of attention from women. He is back and we are in recovery but I wonder if it will get better if he doesn't do some analysis on himself? He is very depressed and seems so unhappy.....I can only meet so many of his needs......first of all he has distanced himself from me and won't seek help for depression. What can the spouse in reality do to save the marriage? It's very frustrating ......Lu

Thanks for your insight. You are very much right on the money in a lot of different areas. It's good to hear what the man's side and thinking is, because I still have trouble believing someone as close to you as a spouse would "cross that line". I mean there are always attractions between people especially when you work for a large conglamorate (which I used to and haven't since my children), but tho I would never cross that line due to my religious beliefs and commitment to my vows, it's very helpful to hear what could drive a man to do that. I will definitely learn a lot from people like you. Thanks for sharing it.

ATW,<P>Sorry to hear you are so down....and becoming your own worst enemy.. <P>Consolation I guess is that only the very strong can handle the pits..!!! so you must be strong enough to take it...question is why are you inviting it into your life...?..what have you to learn from bringing this into your life..?<P>I can give you an idea of what you are doing to invite it in and why....and perhaps suggest how you can change that to get you out..? you may not have had enough yet to want it though, this is important...cos when you get real sick of being in the sh.t only then will you get up out of it..but not until then...!!!<P>The problem right now is not whats happened in your life as much as... HOW LOW YOUR SELF IMAGE IS RIGHT NOW..!!!!!...HOW LOW YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!!...YOUR SELF WORTH IS SO LOW YOU PUT OUT A VIBRATION THAT SAYS TO EVERYONE I AM NOT WORTH ANYTHING SO BRING ME IN SOME CRAP!!!!..and here is the salvation you ask for... send me an angel disguised as a real [censored] that reflects my self image back to me to teach me..and in he comes and obliges you, treats you exactly the way you feel and think about you so that you can see it and change...<P>And you say send me some CRAP into my life cos thats how I feel.... I want to wallow in it... breathe it in... taste its yuk...so that I know what it feels like, looks like, smells like, tastes like so that I know it thoroughly so I can change...and the universe obliges....<BR>This is how it works...this is how you invite crap into your life....but why...?? there is a very good reason....you dont do this for fun...!!! right??..it has to be a good reason otherwise you wouldnt do it..right..?!!!!!you are not silly...!!! nor stupid...!!!!neither are you helpless or hopeless..!!!!!or dumb...!!!!<P>Why you do this is also very simple....it is so you can change and grow into strength and understanding.. self love.. self assurance...and self worth...the very things you dont have right now....<P>The depth of despair motivates change in you..!!!so does pain and hurt!!! why..? because its sheer hell in there..!!! and sooner or later you will get so sick of it you will come out fighting...!!!! and its oohhh boy!!! look out !!! ATW has arisen and is flyin full steam ahead!!!!!!!!!!!look out!!!!! hehehe... this fighting is not in anger! not in self pity! not in resentment! not in revenge!! nooo!! this fighting is for ATWs life...!!! her self esteem...!!! her self worth..!!!! her self love!!!!!her own life!!!! and thats worth everything..!!!!!<P>(Now forget your marriage and any relationships of any kind at this point... this part is only for you not for anyone else, no one, so no thoughts of anyone else, or anything else but you!!)<P>Tell yourself over and over and over a thousand times a day....!!!!!!! for days on end every day...!!! I AM WORTH LOVING..!!!! I AM WORTH LOVING...!!!!! and listen to yourself say it over and over...until you feel change....until you feel your love for you rise from the ashes of insecurity, neediness, and despair....only then start a very soft refrain to yourself...I love myself I am an angel of God (if God means anything to you, if not put something spiritual in that does)....over and over and over...everyday....until your cup runneth over...it will...expect it to and know it will be so....<P>Then be very gentle with yourself....the little girl that resides in you will be allowed to emerge tender loving and unafraid....now you can pamper yourself...spoil yourself a little...with nice things you like...no booze...no drugs...and keep telling yourself you are worth loving and that you love yourself...when you can look in the mirror and into your eyes and into your soul and see love there you know you have made it, and you can...<P>Do this my dear ATW and your world will change...I promise you this...<P>Love and highest regards...<P>cossie...<P><BR>To Empty Shell and nlp,<P>Thanks.. best wishes..<P><BR>Sheba,<P>Lol...ask away...and I will answer what I can...<P>As nurturers (mothers) women always seem to feel guilty in varying degrees if something goes wrong in their vicinity simply because they witnessed it at close range...so answer to your first double whammy question...no..we are all ignorant of what is going on within our marriages because we are so busy with other things and awareness is not high on the priority list when you are busy....and he is responsible for what he did and you are for what you didnt do or did...but its all relative to whose perception it is thats looking at it...yours or his...<P>I can understand that you would want to know what you did to contribute to the breakdown of your marriage and what you could have avoided if you knew.. <P>There are 2 answers to this...one is a practical hands on one, the other a spiritual reason for not being able to avoid any of it....<P><BR>The practical stuff first...<P>I beleive most marriage problems stem thru lack of communication....however that is an over simplication of the problem....not many of us are taught how to communicate....why we should....what to say...and what benefits there are...and what we can avoid by communicating...then we need to learn when we need to apply that in a relationship...and thats an art or a skill that can only be learned by experience, however just being aware that there is a need to communicate is a very good start....<P>You cannot fix what you dont know is broke..! so this then would be the main factor in marriages that could reduce many of its problems for both genders...<P>The spiritual answer..<P>We would not be able to avoid any of the trauma pain and hurt because we chose to have it in our lives to begin with...long before we got here....why..? because we all want learn and grow and help one another to learn and grow and raise our vibrations to help our planet grow and in turn help our universe raise its vibrational rate too...part of the bigger plan if you like....<P>Why choose pain and hurt from infidelity ? no other pain or hurt is as intense and touches our very core more deeply than betrayal does when linked to sex..we consider sexual intimacy sacred and because it is also our most powerful creative force it has an intensity like no other we know....<P>Why do we need to have such intense pain..??...to motivate us to change with depth and insight knowledge and powerful learning, to bring us to love understanding, compassion , forgiveness, self love, and enlightenment which is the deep knowledge of self...the God within...the all that is..the I am.....<P>The teaches us I was referring to was not one or the other but us all in general male and female alike...and referring to the infidelity and its pain...teaching us all those things I mentioned.. <P>Hope that has answered your questions if not, print it on the blackboard of my mind in caps so I can see what it was...lol my brain was baked long time ago...thank God now I have an excuse for my thinking this way...lol<P>Regards...(((Hugs)))<P>cossie<P><P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P>

Cossie, while it is very insightful I think at times it doesn't help to deal with the amount of pain the betrayed partner gets. While dealing with the children and wanting the romance I also wanted to run, just as he did, but I didn't because I believed in him. I know that you think that everyone wants to understand the why of it, and some do, I want to understand the "How" of it. "How could he have done that to me?" I was sacraficing my schooling to work in his office, sacraficing alot to put him through school, and believed in him totally. I was shattered by what he did. I have learnt to forgive him this pain, he said he didn't think he realized what he was doing when he did it. I just have the worst time forgetting it. The pain isn't something that can be blotted up and wiped clean, it clings, even when you do your best to let go of the hurt. I don't hold it against him, but I do have a day here and there when I feel it oozing out of the deepest part of me. On these days I go home, hug him and try to just think about how we are together and happier now. We communicate better. We do things together. We honor each other and respect each other more than we ever did before. Thank you for your explaination, I am sure it helped some, but can you give some kind of secret advice on how to go past it? God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

To Bonny, Sadforever, D & C, Crazy or What, Lu & Hurtbad,<P>Wow!! I was writing the last post and it bein so long when I posted there you all were..lol..I hope my last post answers your questions too...if not just ask and if I can answer them I will.. <P>I thank you all so much for your positive comments and encouragement....it is really nice to hear them and makes me feel good to know that in some way it helped you all with understanding ...thanks...((((Hugs))))<P>cossie.....

Hi Chicks,<P>Does the last post (book) I just wrote answer your questions..? <BR>I will just mention that the betrayed do have some trouble with their self image when this happens and its understandable....eg; if he did this then I must not be worth much...if he did this then he cant love me very much...so I am not lovable...if he did this then I am no good....if he did this then it must be my fault I must be a hopeless wife....and you can add a heap of others like I am not desirable...not beautiful..not attractive etc etc etc ...and all of these are nowhere near the truth....and they will keep you stuck in your pain....and how you deal with it...I wrote in my reply to ATW and Sheba...<P>Please ask again if I got it mixed up.. <P>Thanks..<P>cossie<P><BR>and to get past the thoughts and pain...one does have to raise their self image and worth...

Hello Cossie<P> Thanks for that great insight. I have read your story & believe that a lot of this is true for my wife & me. Three weeks ago I broke down & told my wife that I knew something was dreadfully wrong. She slowly started to tell me that she just did not love me the same way any more & after about an hour she finally confessed that she had been seeing someone at work. He did all the things that I did not. Made her feel special beautiful, Adorable & loved. He would tell her dreams of what the could do together & that he would never abandon her. She fell for this hook line & sinker. She has told me that she did not want to leave but did not want to let him go. I asked her to leave for the weekend so I could think. That was the longest weekend of my life I only ate once & slept for maybe five hours. <BR>She returned Sunday night & we talked for several hours. She offered to try. So on Monday morning we called a marriage councilor & had an appointment on Wednesday. We have been four times now. I do see that she is trying and I am grateful for that. <BR>I am trying to deal with my own problems right now. The first of which you addressed to ATW is the feeling of low self worth. That I don't know right now that I am worth being loved & can I fix those feelings in my life. I seem to hinge on every little thing she says. If it is good I feel great all day but if she just doesn't tell me she loves me in the morning that I feel low and not worthy of being loved. I am going to try you suggestion & tell myself that I am worthy of being loved over & over every day. Maybe some day I will believe it. It is hard to deal with the pain & I often want to find an escape rout for it. I know that it would be wrong both to God & to me. But I still think about it too often. <BR>Things look better to day then they did yesterday. My wife told the counselor that she had asked the OM to not send her any more notes. That made me feel that just maybe she is truly trying. As often though as she increases my hope she ads a thorn. Telling the counselor that she wants to keep the note because he is some one special to her & it is hard to let someone go that you love. I don't understand loving two people at one time but the counselor did. He asked her again do you think you can break this bond you feel for the OM she answered yes. <BR>Last night was a little tough once again. She went to her sisters to get her nails done &returned a couple of hours later. Her car broke down and she says a great ending to a tough day. I asked if there was any thing I could do she said nothing I tried to joke with her to lift her spirits up but she just did not want to talk to me at all. Her girlfriend called and lifted her spirits they sat on the phone for about an hour. She went to the bedroom to talk she just needed her privacy I guess. After she got of the phone she told me she was tired & just wanted to go to sleep. So I gave her kiss goodnight told her I loved her & to have sweet dreams. In the morning I was leaving told her I loved her, never an I Love You Back in the morning but the rest of the day I here I love You. Have a great day & you look great. I wonder am I doing too much or expecting too much to soon. Is she just in withdraw right now. Along with all that low self worth I am always second-guessing my self. But I am worthy of being loved! Thanks For your story & some of your insight. <P><BR>Thanks again <P><BR> LotsofHope<BR>

Hi Cossie,<P>Thank you very much for your insight. It definitely rings true in my situation. My H was emotionally neglected as a child. He needed that attention so terribly, and I ignorantly thought since he didn't ask for it and survived a childhood without it, that he didn't need it. Boy, was I wrong! <P>I do have a serious question for you, and for anyone else who has lived this way. My H and I are both equally responsible for the upbringing of our son. I am a stay at home mother, which affords me a lot of time with my son, but when it comes to the responsibilities, my H shares equally in them. My question is, how does a parent not do this? You mentioned in your post about your W spending too much time with/on the children. I see so often people complaining about this, and I honestly don't get it. Once my H is home from work, anything and everything that needs to be done with my son, involves all of us as a family. Even when things in the marriage weren't good, the story was the same. To me, doing recreational things with your children that don't include your spouse, is just asking for disaster. <P>What were the reasons in your situation for not doing these things with her and the children? I guess I'd just like to know why a H doesn't feel the necessity to involve himself more in the children's lives. I see this so much, and I'd really like some insight. Maybe I'm naive, but I hope somebody can help me see another side to this. Thanks<P>------------------<BR>The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.<BR>Helen Keller<BR>

WOW! This post was so clear.It was if you were describing my marriage and soon 2bx....both reasons are clearly what drove my H. It is a pity that he never felt it was important enough to evaluate as he was having such a good time and treating me like s@@@@ which is also explained by the third reason for infedility which is as follows.<BR>My husband has always worked hard and we lived very well thanx to my background. He achieved professional success in the business world and felt that since he earned a "s@@@load" of money he now deserved it all and became a judgmental, pompous jack@@@ and took up with OW/OWmen and is now considered "a very eligible bachelor" even though we are still married!!!!!.... But I won the prize because the children with all the responsibilities of teenagers, live with me. So in fact he does not really have it all!!!<BR>A fourth reason can also be considered, which is that if many of one's contemporaries (who are perhaps less successful) are having affairs (as is the President of the USA) then it must be a good thing so why does one not partake of the enjoyment ...why deprive oneself of one more of life's pleasures....<P>Understanding the why's did not make the heartsore any less for me BUT it stopped me from beating up on myself that I was not good enough for him very quickly. I am now (10 months after discovery and 7 months apart) much stronger and more sure of who I am than I ever was being married to him (22 years)<p>[This message has been edited by willbok99 (edited October 15, 1999).]

Thank you Cossie! <BR>Nice to have you home again.

LotsOfHope - Yes, I KNOW it's entirely possible to deeply love two people at once. It's what you choose to do about it that makes it an affair.<BR>I love my wife with all my heart and soul. I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. But we are such complete opposites that there are things about me that she wants to understand but has admitted she can't.<P>I have a very special friend who helped me through a tough time. I love her deeply, and she loves me. But that's it - no sex, no sneaking around. In fact, we encourage one another when we're having marriage or kid problems. She is not my lover, but understands me like no one else.<P>Cossie - So in which scenario do I fit? Yes, I had my MLC. But I desperately tried to include my wife in on every part of it. Apparently, I was spiritually going places she couldn't go with me. I didn't resent her for it - she was doing all she could. But to meet someone who had been there and done that was a Godsend.<P>My wife and her husband both know we are very good friends. My wife knows I care deeply about this person, but I've never used the "L" word because I don't know if I can explain it in a way where she knows she has nothing to worry about.<P>As far as comparing my wife with my friend, yes, there have been times when I was tempted to do it. But I knew it wasn't fair to my wife.<P>I thought about what life would be like with both of them (i.e. choosing one or the other). And you know what? My friend and I would end up driving each other NUTS! We know this - we don't entertain fantasies of life with each other.<P>I'm sure I'm going to catch a lot of crap about this. But I guess my point is that we can love a number of people throughout our lives - even after we're married. But we don't have to screw them all or hurt other people because of it. It's all about choices.<P>She and I have chosen our spouses and families. But I will always love her.<BR>