I am trying to reclam my life, how do I move forward, if I don't know for sure if my marriage is over?

I don't know if that is the real question...I think the real question is, can you hold for a bit and watch it all evolve...from a strategic position of recovery...all the while maximizing your position as someone who is a worthy partner?

I am in your boat, to some degree...I am a FWWS...my partner and I have been through a contentious litigation (initiated immediately by BS) lasting over 2.5 years now...I recognized my error and tried to make it right over the past couple of years...but we unfortunately couldn't find a place of resolution...What I have learned is that this process is filled with ambivalence...ambiguity....uncertainty.

I have continued to A....with the hope of turning it, even at this late date? Yes. Do I believe it will happen? No...and every day I regret...and live with the consequence of my mistake. I found my accountability...and I am that person today. And I sustain that performance...for my children, for the sake of my relationship (whatever it turns out to be) with my BS...and for myself.

Patience is a friend....watch....behave consistently...Avoid destructivenes....you never know what can happen....

Not sure if that helps...but you have my support...
Hang in there....toughest thing you'll ever do is RIGHT NOW.

BTW: Can you share a little about what is happening for you?

Welcome. And always remember, it isn't always over when its over. My ex and OW ended the affair less than two weeks after our divorce was final. Then it took him 7 months to figure out he wanted to get back together. Sadly, I've moved on and have someone else. But sometimes folks DO get back together, even after the divorce.

Thanks for posting guys...

I will give more info in a little while and post my comments...

I have to litteraly change the way I think about things, in order to acomplish what I want just emotionaly for me, which in turn will effect my other relationships aswell...

When I have some time I will post a real post

blackntwrk,

What can I say about your post! You are now my insparation! That's what I want, and improved relationship with my WS, wether we work things out (which is really a streach even though he says he wants to too), or we don't. I want to improve how I treat him.

I want to continue to improve myself, which I only just started in Jan. Some of it could have been done a couple of years ago, but his affair derailed me. I quite smoking, I'm working on my weight, and I'm trying to get financialy independent.

We've been seperated for 1 1/2 years, and he is living with his girlfriend, which was or is the ow. He says he wants our relationship still. Yet what ever he does for me isn't enough for me, and I have draged this out. This last seperation could have been prevented, as we were really doing well in recovery, but such as life, a few things happen big and small, and here we are.

I'm trying to move forward in my life, and prepare my mind that this might just be it. Even if our relationship didn't end naturaly and we both still really love eachother. Maybe things did get to far gone. Maybe there is no hope?

At the same time I want to improve the quality of the relationship that we do have, as he is iriplacible in my life, regardles of our title. I didn't think I was doing this, but because I was the BS, I have been stuck in the cycle of you did me wrong so prove yourself to me, which doesn't and cant happen in all sercomstances depending on the fragility of the WS.

I just really want to feel loved, you know. It's been sooooo long since I felt that in a real secure way. But I'm shooting myself in the foot, constantly. I have taught him to behave like this, litteraly, I have taught him to run away from me. Even though I'm really loveing, and nice, and patient and really really understanding. I also pull the rug right out from under him when I feel volnerable.

I don't think you should ever do that to a person, especialy someone you love. I've been so conserned with "them" that I neglected our relationship and myself. Before the seperation, and after.

I need some help and ideas with this.

What are some things I can do, to insure I don't keep on behaving in this really anoying, selfish horible way. I'm not that person, but if I do this, and this has been part of me, like our whole reaitonship (I got hurt when we were really young, and my mother had an emotionaly and verbaly abusive marriage), I have allways loved him with all of my being and kept him a arms lengh from me. He has done this with me aswell...

I'm used to working on us, as in understanding, reading etc... But I am not used to working on my reactions/behaviors as in I'm doing something mean and hurtful... I also come off tooo needy, to strong, I'm very anoyed with myself. I always saw my behavoir as a result of something he did, but my behavor is robing my life of joy. Regardless of what happens with us. I want to be happy for me, for him, and not have this resentment or bitterness.

I just need to talk this out, and figure it out...

Can you train yourself to be able to have an "intimit" relationship, emotionaly intimit, volnerable, pure... I think this would be easier if I just started a relationship with someone else. I think it would come naturaly, maybe. But I'd like to learn how to do this, so I can have some peace and contentment in my life.

I'm not "trying" to get my husband back. I want to be a better me and improve our relationship, what ever it may be. I want to learn how to just have a healthy relationship, so I'm not doomed to repeat my part in all of this, even with someone else in the future if it comes to that. I trust in God, and I belive things will turn out how they should, in what ever that may be.

believer,

Thanks for your post! Yeah you never know.. I am so not going to be moving on to a new guy anytime soon though. So that's part of the problem, or what was part of the problem. He's never been worried about loosing me. But I guess that's a good thing, because even if we can't fix our marriage, he's never going to loose me in his life....

Oh and the reason I just can't go up and start dating, is I've been in a relationship for 16 1/2 years! If I'm not with him, I'm with myself, I can not, give someone else part of me any time soon. I'm done having children, and I don't need a man to be happy. I do however need this man in my life the closer the better to be happy.

I know lots of people think it's healthy to move on quickly and maybe it is. But for me I've been an "us" for soooo long, that if we are not an us (which actually we aren't) I need to learn how to be a me.. Gees actually I think I just figured out another part of the problem...

Hey Newlife...

Thanks for your post...let me give you the answer of all answers..."Who the hell knows?" What I have tried to do is be patient, watchful, and govern my own behavior...in a sustained way...It's the only thing I can control...and it is right for me, my BS, and my children...Walk the path that holds you consistent to your values...and those that support healthy relating...

I would focus on being the best you can be...it will help you, those around you, and possibly your WS....You are caught in a tidal wave of (*&^$# at the hands of your WS...as a FWS myself, trust me, his process is evolving too...and my guess is he isn't terribly comfortable either...making mistakes, living inconsistently with what is right, fair, just, appropriate...So...where does that leave you? Well, continue to be the person that supports health....but draw boundaries around dysfunction.

There is a time to walk away...I do believe that. For me, I wish my BS and I could have found the right counselor, at the right time, and that we could have been patient with the process...I don't hold my BS responsible for the end, per se....my BS acted out of pain. I understand...I am just so very sorry....I found my way eventually...and I do believe there are two sides to every story...and my BS has responsibility in the demise of the relationship, but my mistakes stand and I am accountable, sorry, and will always attempt to repair because it is the right thing to do...no matter what. Will it turn the head of my BS, I am sad to think that the answer is no....but I want my BS to see me now as the person who I have been forever, my BS missed for awhile, and now has returned. Can my BS accept, no, however...you just never know....

Do not accept destructiveness...but continue to model appropriate relating...it will only help...

At some time, I do believe it is good to lay down the anger...my BS couldn't...I don't blame, just wish it could have been put down for the sake of our possibilities and our children....but, I have to live with the mistake and it is what it is. I think, in our own way, we both are tortured...Me...regret and sadness...my BS, vengance and aggression....Trouble is, we have four kids who lost....

So...stay true, experiment, watch...there may be openings...and with assistance, guidance...you may turn....But, ultimately, I think you will benefit from healthy relating...whether it is with your BS or not....

As for other people...well, my experience has been that there are problems no matter whom you are with...but the best hope lies with your commitment to making it work....interest in learning how, and your ability to NOT engage power struggles and, instead, engage with and collaborate with a functional partner.

There are times to walk away...if the evidence is overwhelmingly not in favor of functional relating...just watch....

I very much appreciate your openness...good things surely are in store for you...

I dont believe you reclaim your life...simply live it....Living it means living with some uncertainty....I would live it like you want the relationship...until that time when you "know" it's over....From what everyone tells me, you will feel it when it comes. Yet, it is possible to remain open...Sometimes "repairs" come a long time after the regret of the ending of the relationship sets in...Sometimes people change behavior, change their minds....and an opportunity then exists to try it again and to it right....In the interim, focus on the "right now"....Manage your feelings, your behavior...with all the tools you learn about here (e.g. seeking support)...work, enjoy pleasant activities....time with family...whatever...And just remain open to whatever comes...and manage the rest....

Not sure if that helps....having a definite answer may help you feel more in control...but it may not be the right answer long term...Sit with it...Observe the other side for clues about where they are at....that will help tip the scales....but I would like to think that being open to possibility...allows for more possibility...know what i mean?

NewLife2,
You might want to read blackntwrk's thread under General Questions on the Infidelity forum before you put much stock in his/her's advice. His/Her's BS is a wreck now and from what you have written it does not sound like you want that for your ex.