I recently came across a photo of my FWW's OM. It was a newspaper announcement of his engagement and his fiance was in the picture with him. Given the timeline, my FWW was probably seeing him while he was also seeing his fiance. Should I let his fiance know that her future hubby was knowingly (from the very get go) sleeping with a married woman or should I just let it go?

It really made me angry seeing his grinning face in the newspaper. I feel like my wife and I are pretty much stuck in a rut and there he is grinning and moving on with his life, but I also know that if I were to let his fiance know, it would be more out of revenge than anything else.

The right thing to do would be to tell her and provide proof. The OM will most likely deny everything. But she deserves to know what kind of man she is marrying.

Even if they weren't engaged during the affair, it shows something about his true character.

"...it shows something about his true character"

Yea, that is part of my problem. I became a WS so who am I to point a finger? I really only see it as revenge if I were to make contact because my true character could be worse than his.

But you are changing. He is covering up. I know that I would want to know if the man I was planning on marrying had an affair with a married woman. I wouldn't get married, whether he cheated on me or not. In other words, he flunked the test.

Expose him.

A man of character would WARN an innocent person that they were preparing to marry a cheater, that is "who." It would be an act of character to warn her; an act of decency. He has harmed this woman behind her back and she likely does not know who she is marrying. It would be a KINDNESS to tell her.

Most likely he has not told her the truth and is planning on defrauding her into marrying him based on a pack of lies.

Most people would not CHOOSE to marry a cheater and a liar, most especially a man who screws around with married women. His fiance has a RIGHT to make that choice based on the true facts.

Well, I chose to marry one, but I think that's a bit off the point. The point here is to ensure that the OM's fiancee actually KNOWS about the OM's history so she can make an informed decision on whether or not to get M'd to him.

Note - she'll likely choose to get M'd to him anyway, particularly if their "love" is still in the infatuation stage. It's amazing what we'd accept when we're still in the "in-love" fog. My FWW's pre-M cheating did not stop me from M'ing her, though sometimes I can really kick myself silly for that.

Does your wife know if he had this girlfriend when she was in the affair with her? Why not ask your wife?

I don't quite understand why you don't ask your wife for clarity on this issue.


As for exposing to her, I would send a card or letter - but your WIFE should also sign it.

It should be done with respect, not anger. You have no reason to hurt this woman, and if you do this out of revenge and do so angrily, you are hurting the fiance who is innocent. If you do this out of respect for her, that is very different.

Let the words in your communication to her be from love - not fear or anger - and it would then be the RIGHT message.

Find the human connection to her.

Also, if this man is getting married, then wouldn't you want him and his wife to have a fighting chance at an affair-proof marriage? Maybe with the letter, you should send along one of the Harley's books.

As a wedding gift. Because if this is being done for the RIGHT reason, they would still get married, and be aware that they need to work on affair-proofing their marriage. Because YOUR LETTER would let them know what your marriage is working on, what you've learned, what the Harleys suggest, and how to get started on the right foot.

That would be the Christian thing to do, wouldn't it? To support them in the time of need, to give them information, to tell them where more support is, and to offer them the truth.

Out of Christian love. NOT out of revenge or anger.


SB

Go Nuclear!! Show no mercy!! He needs to feels some of the consequences!

I spoke to my FWW about this, and she said that one approach might be to notify the priest. After all, the wedding bands are published just in case anyone knows of any reason why the two shouldn't be M'd, and this might be a pretty good reason.

You know, I was tricked into marrying my current H. If I had any idea he was a cheater, I would not have married him. But that pertinent information was cruelly withheld from me so I did not have the option of making that choice.

I would deeply RESENT anyone who was MEAN enough to sit by and not lift a finger to warn me about who I was marrying.

What is he likely to do? Probably nothing. It's heresay if it comes from you.

All my wife says she knows is there was another woman during her time with him, but she says she didn't know her name. She is a little uneasy about me contacting the fiancee at all(kinda funny considering she met with my OW's husband several times after I admitted my pathetic deed)

I don't really have any proof anymore to forward the fiancee. I threw away all the keylogged stuff and cell phone records I'd collected to show my wife I was completely ready to start over. This could mess up what little "normal" we have in our lives right now and for all I know the fiancee might have known about "the other woman" as well anyway. I guess I'm talking myself out if it but I have to be honest here, I really do want to email her just out of revenge more than anything else. I know that is not right.

What matters is that she knows the truth, your motivation is your own issue to deal with and not relevant to her need to know. If she was, in fact, engaged to him during his affair with your wife, the decent - and right - thing to do would be to tell her. I wish someone would have warned me, before I got married; I wouldn't have given a damn about their motivation. I only wanted the truth.

Listen to Mel...she is one smart cookie. Bring the truth to the fiance.

MEDC