How many times we've seen and heard "We can't ________" (fill in the blank with):

• Live without her paycheque
  
• Move away
  
• Tell anyone about this
  
• Live without a computer
  
• Afford Dr. Harley or other pro-marriage counsellor

I know, my first H and I said the same things. That's part of the reason my first (20 year) marriage didn't survive infidelity.

Infidelity changes everything. Life is no longer the same. Classes with OM? Nights with friends? No longer an option - you can't TRUST HER.

You may not be able to tell her what to do, but you can SET BOUNDARIES for YOURSELF that include: I will not allow myself to idly stand by and wait for you.

This is the time for ACTION.

Mel,

Yeah, they are at the same school. I am wondering, though, if this is the quite large aviation school (my FIL attended one in particular) where they actually would not have to see one another at all. They could do it, if it is this particular school which is pretty big.

But, personally, I don't think it's going to happen. My own thought is that these two need to be exposed, and the couple need to move.

I don't see it working any other way.

HS seems to think his situation is "different", but it really is run-of-the-mill.


Hey, HS,

Your wife COULD work other places. With a degree in aviation, my FIL worked for:

Bell Helicopter
The United Nations
The US Government
Two major US Universities

and several other places.


So that idea that the ONLY PLACE your WW could work is this ONE PLACE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD???

That's BS, man, and I don't mean betrayed spouse.

You are fearful of exposing the affair, because she has said that if you tell anyone she will leave you.

Don't be afraid. Plan to move your family at the end of the semester - and if this OM is married, call his wife today.

SB

I think that would work if the aviation school were in a different city or state from the OM. However, if it is at the same facility in the same town, she risks running into him every single time she goes there. He only has HER "WORD" that they don't see each other.

More than that, she will be triggered and her BS will be triggered every time she goes there. Her love affair will always be top of mind.

If the WW is triggered and fighting withdrawal, all she has to do is look up the OM, he will be right there anyway. If she is in a state of perpetual withdrawal, recovery will be impossible.

Well, to clarify a bit...

She goes to drastic measures to ensure that she arrives/leaves the school when he is either off or already in the air with another student. She goes over the online schedule with me right there beside her, so I can see, yes, HE is in the air then, that's a good time to arrive, etc. In the 2 weeks since I've said no contact, she has seen him twice sort of "in passing" and told me about both times. Sometimes he (or her new instructor) is late/early so it's impossible to 100% avoid it but it's rare and she doesn't make conversation.

She has come completely clean about all aspects of the affair. I have read the emails, etc. It was truly a "crush" sort of thing - maybe friendly maybe more feelings - before the trip. The only physical part of the affair was on the trip (I work from home and I know where she is all the time). After she came clean, she returned his notecards with a little note that said they cannot have any more contact because she is working it out with me.

You can assume I'm making the wrong decision by at least trusting that this is the case - but I see her flight logs, I know how long it takes to drive there and back, and she accounts for her time very well. Forged flight logs would be a federal offense - nobody at her school would do that. She simply does not have the time to do anything other than return his "hi" just to keep up a decent image at the school. It's a very small school.

We've also had some pretty long, deep talks about how she is now pretty mad at him because I think she is starting to realize she was just a plaything to him - that she, and I, and our kids are suffering massive consequences for this, and he is getting off scott-free.

I know my wife VERY well - it's why I pushed her so hard to confess. I didn't have any hard evidence, just little things that added up to a little too much.

I will definitely take this issue up in our next counselling session, however. It does seem unjust that he gets away with this and the rest of us are severely and somewhat permanently damaged.

I considered maybe writing him an email telling him to quit working there or I would out him. Not sure if that is the best thing to do - seems like blackmail. I don't want to harm him, I just want him to face the music and, if not that, get the F out of town in a manner of speaking.

You know, I'm not dismissing any of the advice here, I'm just contemplating. Takes a while to sink in and maybe readjust my perspective. The thing about her going there being a trigger - definitely true. I get anxious every time she goes even though I do indeed trust her not to say 2 words to him on the off chance he would be there.

I will discuss alternatives with her - maybe ONLY go on days when he isn't there, or like I said approach him and let him decide whether he is willing to risk getting fired vs. seeking employment elsewhere.

Those would at least get him out of the picture while being less disruptive to everything else.

Yeah, the more I think about it, the more he has to be 100% gone one way or the other.

I'm wondering if there's any repercussions 2 an instructor taking advantage of a s2dent like that.

If you "out" him, do it because it's the right thing 2 do and because it's the truth.

Never threaten.

-ol' 2long

headshock, is he married?

I would not suggest making that threat to the OM. It will backfire on you. He will simply pre-empt you by telling his employer that you are a jealous lunatic and go further underground. Then when you do pull the trigger, you will have been neutralized. Making this threat is the equivalent of forewarning your opponent of your battle plans. You might as well DISARM on the field of battle because you will be forfeiting the only leverage you posess.

Please listen to us and consider what we are saying. We have long experience with infidelity. If there was a way to cut this corner, we would GLADLY TELL YOU.

Classic WS blameshifting IMO. The person she should be really mad at is herself for choosing to break her M vows.



Imagine what else might have happened that might need similar hard pushing on your part to get to the truth from her...



Yep, that is blackmail.

Seriously, we would.

That is like the alcoholic who swears off drinking because his last drunk was so bad. Soon enough, though, he forgets the sting of his last drunk and is back off again.

Your W will get over being "mad" at him soon enough, I promise you.

That is, if the story was not concocted in the first place to lull you into a false sense of security about her continued contact.

He also landed the aircraft at a location that is not approved by the school. Would revealing that just be plain vengeance? I think he has it and more coming. I SO want to out him - but I am going to play nice and discuss this with the counsellor first.

She will probably ask if it's really that important to me - and if she does - honestly I don't know. I know it may sound naive that I trust she believes she made a mistake and has no desire to do it again. She isn't an affair addict or anything - and doesn't display addictive behaviors anywhere else in life. I don't really see her going for him again just because they might happen to pass by each other in the hallway a couple times a month.

Thanks for the feedback everyone, it's good to hear different perspectives. I've read a lot of the material on this site, and 2 books, and have more books on order - but I'm more interested in other people's personal experiences.

It's not a mistake - it's a choice.

Until she can take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for that CHOICE, there will be no healing.

As far as you being naive, yes, you probably are, as most of us who have been BS's were...

My ex-H cheated on me several times in the 1980's... and you know what? He was ALWAYS sorry - ALWAYS would never do it again...

Years later, he told me that I knew hardly anything about the TRUTH... his flirting, his inappropriate chats, the sex that wasn't intercourse so it wasn't really sex...

Nip this thing in the bud, my friend...

... and you know you aren't trying to be vindictive - you're trying to SAVE AND HEAL YOUR MARRIAGE!

I fear you are in for a long, hard road, my friend, because you have no idea what you are dealing with. You do not understand the dynamics of an affair.

headshock, is the OM married?

OK This is hilarious and worth repeating. It's the absolute truth.

No, he is a bachelor / player - professional flight instructor - tall, dark and handsome, great body, drives a bmw. Of course, I never met him before the affair - otherwise I would have said no way from the beginning. I had no idea he was a "stud" - with obviously zero scruples.

People who make unethical choices have affairs - good looking, ugly, doesn't matter.

And what attracts WS's (especially women) is usually about 'how he makes me feel' not the sexual prowess...

Lord... sigh... I was both BS and (at the end became) a WS in my first marriage... and the OM was... uh... well, my first H was drop-dead gorgeous (on the outside, not so much on the inside)... and the OM was completely the opposite... no threat to my (then)H at all in the looks department... but he listened to me, made me feel beautiful, blah, blah, blah...

I'm telling you...

Reality check...

You're HERE at MB and you're getting GREAT ADVICE...

Don't wait until it's too late.

I do happen to have his mother's email address. Her house was one of the stops on the way on the trip. Would it be wrong to send her an email outing him? It would sure make me feel like at least *some* justice has been served.

So, I know a lot of you are banging the "out him" drum, but if you had to choose, which would you say is more important - that she has absolutely zero chance of seeing him, or that he is outed to his employer?

I would choose BOTH. Outing him will help prevent him from doing this to some other fellas wife.

But the most critical to your marital recovery is absolute no contact for life.

You don't have to choose ONE, hs, you can and should choose BOTH. It is in NO ONE's best interest [except the affair] to keep this a secret from the OM's employer. By helping him hide his secret, you are protecting him from the consequences of his bad behavior and enabling him to do this to someone else's wife. THAT IS NOT IN HIS BEST INTEREST. And most especially, it is not in his employers best interest because it leaves them LEGALLY VULNERABLE to have an instructor who sexually exploits his students.

YOU HELP NO ONE BY HELPING THEM HIDE THEIR SECRET.