I'm planning on contacting OM via email tomorrow. He lives in another country and "nice guy" ways of dealing with NC have seemed to fail as I found out tonight.

OMW is aware of A and both WW/OM have been in trouble at their jobs for the A. Seems pay-as-you-go phones are big nowadays. She has been somewhat forthright about it and admitted when asked. That was supposed to be our agreement, but again I placed trust in someone I "thought" I knew. I wrongly assumed that by showing a trusting hand, something we've both been missing, I would be the bigger person and "start" the changes in our marriage. She is still uncommitted so I guess that should've been a redlight. WW tries to justify ongoing EA as "noble friendship", only space and laws keep them apart apparently.

I told her I was contacting him. She said she would be angry, I told her I didn't give a flip. Not sure what good it would do, from what she says, he's got a dream of post-divorce hook up or something like that, WW says she thinks nothing of the sort. Says he has nothing to do with our situation, doesn't need him for anything, would be fine without him in the picture(FOG?). I thought maybe I could talk to him, man to man, and ask him to let our marriage have a fighting chance. But if what she says rings true, he may use it as a tool against me. That's why I'm here. I plan to tell him she knows I'm contacting him and why.

Can anyone weigh in on this subject? I know it's had to be dealt with before. I'm going to contact anyway, just would like to get some heads up on possible results.

Don't expect that it will have any big impact. If it does, it is a bonus. None the less, if it will make you feel better (and I am not being condescending, I am serious) then go ahead and do it.

Your WW and the OM are living in a fantasy world like something from a "bodice ripper" romantic novel. The way this plays into their fantasy is, "Two lovers being kept apart by circumstances beyond their control. The husband doesn't understand the depth of their relationship." Total bull sh*t, but then you are dealing with someone lost on Planet X. So, it will give them something more to talk about.

The first thing you have to do is get her out of the fog, so any time you show her that her fantasy world really is "fantasy", it is good. The trick is to make her start examining her beliefs about the affair. If she is intelligent, she will quickly see that the whole thing was as real as Disneyland.

JM

Dino, I am looking hard here for the purpose of contacting an OM who is miles away from you and can just delete the email. I don't get it. He clearly does not give a damn about your thoughts or he wouldn't be screwing with your wife.

UNLESS he does not know she is married and doesn't know the state of your marriage.

What he will care about are things like exposure. To his W, to their employer, his parents, her parents, etc. I would tell his wife about the OM's "dreams" of post divorce hook up, etc. Make as much trouble as possible for him.

What do you think will happen, though, if you email him?

ML
I know exactly what your saying. He very well could delete it, we'll see. His wife most definitely knows, she exposed the whole, that's how I found out. Of course I saw the signs but snopping yielded nada for me. I got the "bomb" dropped on me 3 mos prior to the A being exposed to me.

Want to know something funny WW told me? I asked what kind of guy was he, of course she gushed, "he's really big into family!". Man, I had to laugh when she told me that.

Employers are aware on both sides, their A was like a nuclear device set off by OMs wife. She wasted no time, both of their careers are basically over, legal proceedings and everything. That's one of the reasons I want to contact him because it's kind of unbelievable that they're chancing contact again. They have been given legal direction to cease any contact ???

WW has been pretty upfront about contact. I'd never do anything to hurt her with legal stuff, if the M doesn't work, it doesn't work. I pretty sure he isn't aware that I know he's still in contact. I think an email from me may send a chill down his spine and curiousity to find out my intentions will lead him to read. I could really turn this into an ugly legal thing but it woudl also implicate my WW. My only goal is to give our marriage a fighting chance, that's all. I can't be sure, I'm going to ask him to call me. I obviously don't admire him for what he's done but he's only half of the equation. I guess I'm giving him more credit for being a man than I should but you never know. He may just be using my WW as an outlet to have that "fantasy". Who knows...I'll let you know what happens tomorrow.

JM

thanks for the reply. I've been in Plan A for 2 mos now. We we're supposed to have an aggreement about NC, she just failed to tell me, she waited for me to ask. So, there is definitely still some fog. But she's not looking to another relationship. She's playing the "he's still my friend, I still care for him" card. A PA in their situation is impossible. Countries apart so I'm not really worried about that. But EA can be worse and this phone thing is wearing on my nerves. I quit being mr nice tonight and laid it down for her. Pick the friend or pick the marriage. We've been going around this too long already. We've been married 18 yrs. I haven't demanded anything from her since she was exposed. I've tried to take the high road but she's not committed yet so all my effort has kind of been for nothing. I have seen improvements, but with this other putz talking in her ear, it's slowing down, or halting anything we accomplish. I don't want to give ultimatums but I think it was warranted in this case because of her fog. I can feel her not commitment either way, she's trying to sit the fence but i just gave her a little nudge. We'll see what tomorrow brings. I'm so curious.

Then she should be the FIRST person you call and inform that contact has continued. I would get her agreement to stay in constant contact with you so you can compare notes and kill this affair. Contacting the OM will only give him forewarning that you know so he can pre-empt you and cover his tracks.



Then I would most definitely contact the employers and let them know the affair is still on.

Dino, contacting the OM first will only forewarn him. Why are you worried about possible legal ramifications if the affairees are not? By helping them hide their secret, you are only enabling them. you do so at your own expense.

I totally agree with Mel. Call his wife.

Dino, if you re-expose to the OMW and to their employers, your wife can explain "honestly" that they are "just friends." Surely, they will all understand and endorse her "friendship."

And, if they are "just friends," then you can ALL be friends and there should be open communication between you, him, his wife, and your various families. Perhaps you could invite him and his wife over for a weekend to meet your children?

ML

Wouldn't that be special?

I think I'll step back and take one step at a time. My wife is still reeling from the affects of the legal "findings" on her career. Basically she's done, she's only got a few months left. Have yet to hear what the outcome of OM legal proceedings are. I don't need to tear her down any further. Our family is also reeling from the after-shocks. I guess I'll have to decide how far I'm willing to go to try and save our marriage. I'm not so sure that the possibility of her going to jail justfies me re-exposing to their workplaces again. I figure if it's gone that far, there's not much hope in it anyway. Just another terrible step for the kids to endure. We'll see, i emailed him earlier, no response yet, I think he's an hr ahead of us. I kind of doubt he'll respond. I didn't really ask him to. It was pretty good, I was impressed at my writing prowess. I just hope he reads it, if he tries to contact her after what I wrote, he's more of a dirtbag than I already knew.

You are getting some great advice here. Use it.

JM

You're cracking me up, ML...