My circumstances don't seem to fall into a regular catagory here so I thought I would post and see if some one can help me make sense of my situation.

I was recently contacted by a girl I knew when I was in 9th grade. Looking back on it I realize I had a huge crush on her then. I am now 46. It was interesting to hear from her and I shared the letter she wrote with my wife. That was months ago. Recently I recieved another email from this women saying she had moved back to the area and was interested in getting together sometime. I forwarded that email to work and deleted it off my home computer. We emailed a few times and got together for lunch - discussed things that happened over the last 28 years, said our good byes and said maybe we would get together again.
Last week I got another email from her and started reading the trail. I wondered what my wife would think of them and deleted them off my computer.

I'm doing this in sections because I was almost finished when I lost the whole thing ealier!

That night while my wife was at the gym I logged into her computer and was snooping around. I found some emails with a man that seemed inocuous - OM "i have some coats that might fit your girls - I will bring them to the gym tommorow." My wife "i bought a clock for the gym that you might like - if you don't I can bring it back." the one sentance that floored me was "I will pay for lunch next time." I was hughly upset. I tried to hide my emotions because i was home with the kids. When she got back from exersizing - she knew something was wrong. I said nothing - then "you tell me" and finally "are you haveing lunch with someone?"
She said his name "? yeah I had lunch with him once, what's the big deal?" I said Once? - she said "a couple of times - why?"

We discussed it for quite a while after the kids went to bed - she convinced me it was nothing and we eventually went to bed and "made up"

She lied to cover up. And they're sharing stuff? My guess it's at least an EA, probably more.

Did you disclose the source of your information?

Time to put a keylogger on that PC.

The next day when I got home my curiousity got the best of me and I snooped into her cellphone records while she slept soundly upstairs. She had called him three times and he had called her twice in the last two weeks. I confronted her again - she was incredulouss saying "dont' you trust me" (SHE HAS NEVER GIVEN ME ANY REASON NOT TO TRUST HER and I HAVE GIVEN HER MANY REASONS NOT TO TRUST ME) and don't you go to lunch with your friends - why is it a problem for me to go to lunch with him _ there is nothing going on."
Now some background on my wife - she grew up in a house where her father was the dictator. He ruled the wife and kids with an iron fist. Her mother wasn't allowed to have any kind of friends at all and was forbidden to even think of going anywhere unless he ok'd it. We have been working on this baggage in our marriage. Early on she would emotionally shut me out and it made me feel like she didn't love me. I have come to realize how both our insucurities pull us apart and feel we have done alot to make the marriage better.
I agian came to terms with what apparently had happened and dismissed it as my own "pea brain" making more out of it than it was. Again we made up she said she was sorry she didn't tell me and I understood her fear (due to the past) that she had of me telling her she couldn't do it.

Read up on "gas-lighting".


See suggestion above. Concerning that "lunch with friends" comment - did you let her know who you were going to lunch with? Did she do the same?

The definition of cheating: doing something that you would not do if your spouse was at your side. Your W has shared at least one lunch with the OM without telling you. I'd definitely be very suspicious of her "explanations".



My FWW brought something for the OM during her A. She refused to tell me at first, but after I persisted, she eventually told me what she did and who she did it for, with the explanation that she didn't want to tell me at first because "I might get the wrong idea". I was beautifully gas-lighted, and her A continued for many more months until the OM lost interest. Then I found out about it... from her.

I asked her that night - "I have requested your phone records for the past few months and I will get htem tommorow - is there anything you want to tell me?" she said "if you trusted me you would throw them away."
More background - I am in sales and in the position I currently have I have traveled frequently the last three or four years. Business trips twice a year and overnight travel every few months. I have proven I can drink to excess ( i told my wife I was an alcholic on our first date) I don't call home in the evenings when I travel - usually out to dinner and or drinking with business asociates and she never questions me or accuses me of any wrong doing. She says she chooses to trust me.

Again the next day I got the email and started trying to figure out how many times she called him. I wrote them down and confronted the list
11/20 12:00 3 minutes
12/6 12:15 2 minutes
12/7 11:33 2 minutes
12/12 9:16 2 minutes
12/13 9:45 2 minutes
2/15 12:36 1 minute
2/15 12:37 1 minute
3/13 5:07 1 minute

It looked like there were probably six lunches and I called her and confronted her again. I had looked at this websight and been alerted to emotional needs and emotional affairs terms briefly and said "there is some reason you were going to lunch with this guy and not telling me." She continues to flatly deny any affair - admits that she was wrong not to tell me but says I'm crazy to think she was sleeping with the guy.

As I look at the phone records now there really wasn't a lot of activity. She does have access to seeing this person all day while the kids are at school. He ownes and runs the gym and my wife has been going there multiple times a week for excersize classes. She knew him in High School and reaquainted with him when she went to the other gym he had - that closed down around november of last year and this new one opened in Jan or Feb of this year. She takes a group spin class with him on Wednesdays and Fridays. She even recently had my boss from work (who we are friends with) go to the class with her. I asked him about this OM and if there was any indication - he said absolutely not. He even said "if that was the case why would she even have me go?"
She loves to excerize and really has a passion for this facility. she has made friends with many people there and loves the classes and how they are taught.

At the very least, your W is guilty of behaving inappropriately. I suspect EA, possibly a PA. I suggest snooping a bit more to get the truth. Note: now that you've alerted her to your suspicions, expect her be even more careful about her activities, if she's actually involved in an A.

They might be doing a lot of talking via IM - have you looked into that?

BB - did I miss something or did you explain that you had gone out to lunch with an old girlfriend and chose not to tell your wife? I'd say you better fess up to this at the same time you are snooping on your wife. Seems like a bit of a double standard to me. What do you think? Seems that a policy of convenient dishonesty is the standard in your marriage - your wife is behaving just like you I think.

What Keylogger is best?

I told her the first night - said I was feeling guilty about it because I was hiding it from her. I hadn't seen this woman for 28 years, the idea she contacted me was an ego boost but I love my wife more than anything in the world and don't want a relationship with anyone else.

So friday night because I am feeling this hasn't been a PA and may not even really have got to the EA stage I let her go to the gym and take this class with this guy.

We went to our vacation home over the weekend and although I had trouble sleeping we were very attentive to each other and loving all weekend long - had many long conversations about our relationship and what we need to do to make it better - cried and laughed and made love. She was more sexual the past few days than she has been for a good deal of our marriage. She still isn't admiting to any kind of affair.

In our discussions my wife has frequently bought up women that I either represent at work or sell to who I have business friendships with. Equating those to what she was doing. "you don't tell me when your going to lunch with Sara or Christine. Neither of these women are attractive to me. I like them, i work with them and I consider them friends. I have never had a conversation that was inapropiate to anyone. I realized the reason I felt guilty about having lunch with the high school friend was I wasn't completely closed to the idea of being with her. Not that anything happened but that and the fact I was actively hiding it from my wife made me feel guilty. and That was what originally sent me snooping.

Over the weekend - while lying in bed with her I was repeating to myself "thank you god" because I felt we were both possibly going down a bad path and we were lucky enought to be alerted to the danger. I thougth this woudl be a great new begining to our marraige.

tonight I came to this sight to read some more.
People were talking gaslighting and how sposes deny everything repeatedly.
Well I rechecked the phone logs and didn't see anything.
I was using the google history and started scrolling down. There is alot of history in there and lyrics to songs were listed.
Well I just printed them out and feel like this may be a PA.
Many restuarants looked up. Hotels.
Who knows?