This really sucks.

(((t2h)))

Let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

My wife carried on her affair in our house too. That bothers her more today than it does me.

It will get better.

after all you have been through with this woman's nonsense i am surprised you didn't toss her out right then and there!

in YOUR marital HOME no less. i wouldn't be able to go in the living room. i can't even imagine. i found out about a hotel my ex and his ho went to and once i did i hard a really hard time driving by it. i couldn't look at it without crying. had i found out it was in our home some where? i would have moved. taken my kids and left.

its all fine and dandy that she NOW is willing to put forth some effort. i would proceed with major caution and protect yourself and your heart from any more hurt from this woman. you deserve much better than this and so does your son.

mlhb

Good morning.

Thank you all for the empathy and kind words of support.

One thing I do know is that I will get through this with FWW or not. There simply is no option. Life goes on and I will always be there for my son.

I am trying to be there for my wife as well. As I mentioned earlier, she needs to become a radically better person than she's ever been for my son and for herself. And know that she used to be a really good person.

She asked me on Sunday (after revealing the PA), if the fact that we had such a great relationship and marriage as a foundation to build on didn't make the prospect of recovering better, or the situation easier in some way. My feeling is that perhaps statistically that may be the case, but it in fact makes the betrayal that much more difficult to fathom. If we had a rocky relationship, abuse, anything like that; it would be much easier to understand seeking comfort elsewhere (though it would still be a reprehensible act). But I have always been supportive, put her on a pedastal and in her own pre-fog words helped to make her a much better person. She knew all along that I am the only one who has ever loved her this way, and have NEVER done anything to intentionally hurt her even in the most minor way. There is no excuse.


LTF - words bring me comfort. I know many folks go through this, but getting a specific perspective so similar to my own is very supportive.

I guess I can't really reply to each of you individually, though I would like to because you all in your way give me hope, comfort, perspective, strength... Res, Mrs&MrW, MLHB, SB, Shine, Pep, Pom, BobP, Tyk et al... I know I'm missing people, (not intentionally) Your words and your concern are nothing short of amazing, and I can not thank you enough for giving of yourselves so that this tired, weak and struggling stranger might make it through another day. You have all picked me up that I may dust myself off and fight on.

I do think that FWW and I have a shot. At this point though, the lions share of the work necessary lies with ILMH. She will make my decision very easy. Ther is no longer any wiggle room in our marriage. Simply put, she will either convincingly prove that I should stay with her or she will prove that I shouldn't. Her margin for error is immeasurably small. I hope she can pull this off. I believe she can make herself better, and I am willing and capable of helping, but it's up to her.

Keep up the posting please. As my emotional waves ebb flow and crash ashore, the inspiration and strength I derive from you all can not be overstated.

Peace & Love,
TTH

Ps - BobP - Our little rugby volley made me think how appropriate the call is... Props up, ENGAGE. There has been a lot of chatter lately around engagement, and you are right. Time to bend over and push. Life itself has become a rolling maul. Thanks for binding.

Later.

One more thing, Many of you are familiar with my story. If you'd like to drop by my wife's thread, she has one going, I believe it was a call out to Resonance and MrsW, and her MB name is ilovemyhubbie.

She's told me she wants to learn more from a BS perspective. That she wants to understand better what I am going through. I know she can use the help.

Thanks,
TTH

TTH,

First let me say I'm SO sorry for the pain you are in. I can only imagine how you feel with the latest revelations in your situation. I suspect that you have known in you heart for some time that there was more to the story and it was why you were struggling so hard. Now it's out in the open and it's time to deal with the fallout. I do believe from ILMH posts that you have a truly remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes FWW. I know it's hard to deal with the emotions, but this is a HUGE step towards recovery. It will be a difficult journey full of highs and lows, but it's one that I believe you two can make together.

I will post more later, but I just wanted to let you know that you have friends here that can help you get through this. For now, hang in there and keep the faith.

Want2Stay

What's the deal here? Are you me, or am I you? Our situations are so alike I can't get over it. I think we may even be married to the same woman. It makes it a lot better to know that there are other people out going through very similar circumstances. I'm just sorry you have to be one of those other people. Take care, man.

Right back at you, Marc.
Let me know if I can help you. I've been dealing with this for quite some time and am certainly willing to share my perspective.

Peace

TTH, you are living one of my nightmares and it really scares me to know that it has become a reality for you. My FWW has admitted (over a time) that it happened in our house one time, but, with the amount of time I spent away from home coaching at nights, I cannot help but think it was more than once and also in our bed. She denies it, but I guess I am still waiting for that shoe to fall. It's sad to see that yours finally did.

But what I know is that, once the whole truth is out and you are convinced of that, real buiding can begin. You now have your chance. Our marriages were a sham, our recoveries were a sham for a time, but now you can have something that is actually real.

And, even though it's as dark as can be, reality is nice for a change. I found out after D-Day that reality, no matter what it is, is much better than a fantasy world.

Take some time to think about what you have to do and what you want to do and don't make any decisions while your emotions are in peaks or valleys. Ride out the coaster and then make the choice that is right for your son and for you. I know in my case that the future lives of my boys are the most important aspects for me to think about. I don't want them growing up in a broken home and I don't want them to one day realize that they don't have a father because daddy was too weak to forgive mom.

I don't have the financial resources to replace everything in my house, but I would if I could. The basement couch HAD to be replaced. It helped.

TTH, it might not seem so now, but eventually the hurt you are now experiencing will subside, whether or not your FWW gets on board with your recovery.

My FWW also held back some details, until we had our "Closure Day" exercise, and I found out that:

1. They had SF for the first time in our bedroom, on our bed, and she invited him up to our home that day. This happened only a few days after I gave her a new wedding ring to replace the one that she'd lost.

2. She invited him to spend the night while I was away on a trip. While I was worrying about her, she was having the time of her life. He might have even been there on the bed with her when I called to check to see if she was all right.

3. They also had SF in our living room, and for at least one occasion, she was not sure what she did with the children.

4. On disclosure, she exhibited no signs that she saw any significance in using our home for the dirty deeds, and when I asked her why she chose our home for the purpose, her response was "well, it was her home too".


I'm three years out from disclosure, and most of the raw emotions that I felt back then have subsided to a minor background buzz now. There are a few brief moments when I'm triggered and experience a few black thoughts about what she chose to do, but those are getting fewer and farther between.

Things WILL get better, with time. And BTW - a word of caution to your FWW - any attempts to "rush" you or to "get over it" will likely make matters worse, not better.



Check the D laws in your location. In my case, I chose to do the same thing as you did - take my time to assess my position, and basically passed up the opportunity to D on the grounds of adultery, when things would have been decided more likely in my favor. And with my FWW's choice to play the part of renter/freeloader over the last three years' of our recovery, I'm still not sure I made the right choice to continue being M'd to her.

A PA taking place in your home?

Lemme tell you about a PA taking place in your home...





Lose the furniture they "used". Bed, couch, whatever. We were lucky to be able to get a new couch, but I was prepared to sit on the floor as long as it took. I literally threw the couch into the front yard during a thunderstorm.

Second, move out of there as soon as you can. I don't mean separating, I mean finding a new residence that OM hasn't been to.

I've been unable to move, and knowing that OM was in my living room makes me....unstable, let's say.

I am having a really hard time right now feeling that there must have been something I could have done differently or better that might have prevented WW's adultery to go physical.

If I had confronted RB earlier.
If I had sent WW away to stay at her mother's across the country.
There must have been something I could have done.

Anything.

This is unbearable to me. I knew where this was headed months before it turned physical and I failed to stop it.
Maybe I wouldn't have succeeded, but I can't get past thinking that I could have done more.

She made her choices, and I made mine.

I could have chosen differently.
Maybe it would have helped...

I can not stand this.

Hey man, we moved to a different town. I hated the house she had the A in. We moved to it, and within two months the A began. She did her thing in the house, but thank the Lord, only once. She was always going and doing things while we lived there. Never would stay at home during the day. I had some crazy health problems during that year. My son had some problems, which I am sure were related to the stress we were all going through over her ridiculous behaviour. The business I had run for years sold out and I lost my job while we lived there. Oh, that was all in less than 18 months. We live in a totally different place now, and it has made life much better. Notice I didn't say good or great, but we're getting there. Oh, and we're also getting rid of the vehicles from that time period. Don't hesitate to get rid of anything that bothers you. We did keep our bed, but only because it was way expensive, and I can live with it now. He only got SF there once, and I get it all the time there, so it actually makes me feel better sometimes, like I'm rubbing it in his face. I didn't sleep on it much at first when she would be gone at night to work, though. Do what you need to do to feel better. Crazy!

Listen, you need to take this as a horrible learning experience. It truly sucks that you didn't stop it earlier, but you can't tell what would have happened. She may have done it anyway. Just do everything on earth to prevent another, and keep on keeping on. Use this pain for positive by remembering it every time you are tempted to fail at something important!

There was nothing you could've done to avoid being cheated on, except for divorcing her before she had the chance!

If it hadn't been that OM, it would've been some random guy at a bar, some nerd online, the mailman, someone...

Krazy - you're sounding good man. You might even have a sense of humour! LOL.

T2H - it isn't your fault and there was nothing you could have done. There was nothing any of us could done once our then WW's started the affair ball rolling. It wasn't about you. It was all about her.

TTH,

Stop blaming yourself for the horrible choices that your WW made.
They had nothing to do with you and what you coulda, shoulda done!!!!!

The choices were made without your consent or knowledge. This horrible colision with sin was a fate that your wife choose, not you, OK?

I am not condeming her for it, because she now realizes the horror of what she's done.

Sit back and chill for a bit. You are far to close to D Day to make any kind of decision or even have a rational thougtht at this point. Can you accept that for the time being?

Come here to vent, come here for a shoulder to lean on, but stop trying so desperatedly to form a rational thought until you've had more time to heal.

Hang in there tth, at least be aware you are not alone!

all blessings,
Jerry

TTH,

Heck Yeah there were lots of things you could have done, should have done, would have done IF...you knew then what you know now. But, you didn't and you made the best decisions you could with the data you had. You have more data now. What are you going to do with the data is the big issue.

You have every right to leave, but I don't think that is what you want based on your postings here. So given that leaving isn't your first choice, that leaves learning. You need to learn the affair was HER choice. You also need to learn what you could have done to have been a better H, or to become one now.

This is not about blame, this about about making "chicken soup" out of "chicken s***". Learning from ones experiences, improving from ones experiences, growing from ones experiences is part of life, and making bad events into pivotal events in ones life. I think it is safe to say you are at a pivotal event in your life. Will it turn to be a good turn from something bad? That out to be your goal. It ought to be your W's goal as well.

Please know that no matter how much remorse she has, she has alot to learn, some serious growing to do, and you may well end up with a wonderful W once again. She will know more about herself, more about you, and she will value things that she took for granted before. Give it some time TTH, have some patience with her and yourself. You have little to lose by doing this and a great deal to gain no matter what your final decision turns out to be.

Hang in there.

JL

Thank you all.
When I posted around 5pm I was sitting at my desk spontaneously weeping and hyperventilating.

I've been through about a dozen D-days throughout this tragedy, so I recognize where I am and what's happening. The sea of emotions ebb, flow and frequently crash on shore for some time following (each)D-day.

I am taking my time before making any decision as it is impossible to make a sound decision, especially a major one, when in an emotionally volitale state. ILMH can definitely attest to that.

My last post was essentially a vent based on a crashing of the tide on the shore.

I left work early because I didn't think I could hold it together, and didn't need a meltdown in the middle of cubeland.

I am currently at home by ILMH's side. She comforted me through another hour or so of tears, and we've been reviewing our threads together. I don't know what our future holds, but I know at some level I will always be there for her. She is certainly making an effort to be there for me.

TTH, I agree fully with the previous posters. You WW could easily echo what my WW said, "that is what I wanted and I didn't care who I hurt to get it" and "there was nothing more you could have done" (to have prevented it).
My prayers are with you, I know exactly how you feel!
We are slowly recovering but boy does it HURT.

TTH,

Remember one thing. She clearly did not have much respect for herself to have done what she did. The one thing you can do to help her, and be connection help you, is let her earn her respect for herself back.

To be a good partner in life, she needs to learn to respect herself. When she learns this, she will be able to respect you even more than she does. You won't see it now because of the strong emotions flowing through but YOU can be and likely ARE her hero.

Hang in there. You two can make this work, and work well.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks everyone. I'm trying to hang in...