Your head and heart seem to be in the right place now. Just keep it there (which will be harder than it seems today). Make sure that while you are doing all you can for him, you are also looking within yourself and fixing what it is that made you stray in the first place. Hold that mirror up and see who you are now, as hard as that person is to look at...and then make the changes you need to become a better wife and mother. You have to get to the point where you can look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of the person you see. It will take a long time and a lot of hard work. There are no short-cuts.

Hang in there...

I think it's an excellent start calling SH for an appointment. That is great.

If your husband is amenable, redecorating that room is probably a good idea as well.

I was never triggered by things like that but your husband might be.

My wife insisted that we sell some couches she has used with OM - they bever bothered me at all - All BS's are different in what triggers them. So we got rid of those couches for her sake.

Your attitude is the most important - whatever it takes for as long as it takes. And I echo Mrs W - if there is a SINGLE other thing you have not confessed do it NOW. Do not hide anything.

Obviously you are in NC with OM? Good - make sure it stays that way. The next reparation you can make is to build a wonderful loving marriage with your husband by following the rule of time, protection, care and honesty. If you consistently do these things, your marriage can recover.

Your husband is a bleeding mess on the floor right now. It will take your love and patience with him for him to recover. You can expect this process to take a lot of time, maybe at least 2 years.

Are you up for that?

my husband would definitely be triggered by that sort of stuff which is why i want to do something. I can't believe i did what i did and i am sick to the pit of my stomach.
we don't exactly have the money to "redecorate" but i have to change something, even if it's just paint the room and rearrange the furniture. At least it will have that clean smell. And of course the rug is out...

By the way what is the best way to send the letter to OMW? How do I know if she receives it? Both of us has fears about the repercussions of this action, yet both of us feel that is the right thing to do. I am giving the letter to him letting him make the decision on how and when to send the letter.
I have no doubt that he has made it out that i am crazy and i am sure if she actually does read the letter he will tell her it is all lies. I don't actually care about that. I just want to clear my husbands name. He is the only person i am concerned about right now.

Personally I think sending a further letter is OPTIONAL because she KNOWS about the inappropriate relationship if not the detail and it is up to her to get the truth from her husband unless she contacts YOU.

But if you want to send the letter then go ahead.

But she KNOWS he had an affair and that is where your responsibility ends.

I know you are probably terrified right now but by confessing you have actually given your marriage a real chance at genuine recovery.

God Bless.

I'm a BH. I can relate to your H and how he feels.

He will have triggers for some time.

The best way to help him heal is to offer genuine remorse, which it appears that you're doing, and ride out the storm when the triggers hit.

He may lash out. He may say things out of hurt.

There's no excuse for physical abuse but be sensitive that his temper could get to that point and know when to back off.

Apologize non stop. A BH can't hear it enough.

I'm very glad you're sensitive to triggers and think it is commendable that you're wanting to change things up, but the "movie" will play in his head a lot and he will have questions about details that you won't be happy answering. He may not, but odds are he will.

Expect him to ask things like:

Who kissed who first?

What position were you in?

Where did you guys do it?

How long did it last?

How long was he here for?

What were you thinking about when it was happening?

Did you do x?

Did he do x?

Did you ever do it at work? In a car? In a hotel? etc...

The questions will come and will sometimes come randomly.

You need to answer each time and answer honestly.

Be up front right now! Let him know about as much as you can think of and be sure to hide nothing back. Were notes exchanged? Pics taken? Stuff like that.

SF with you may help him as well. Sort of like re-establishing that exclusivity between H and W.

You are a very rare breed. You're a WW feeling remorse and looking to help her BH and getting advice here. You're a diamond in the rough and I hope you learned a monster lesson about "innocent friendships" with members of the opposite sex while you're married.

No one ever dives into an affair by saying, "Hey, you're pretty hot. Let's go X!"

It's insidious. A slow buildup that happens over time and starts off very innocently.

We are ALL vulnerable to them, which is why we must keep watch over them.

He will heal. You'll just have to be patient and know that one of the biggest aides to him healing is your remorse and genuine desire to ride out the storm.

I'm sure you'll emerge from the other side with a marriage to envy.

Best of luck.

Good job on doing it the MB way and telling hubby the truth. I know it must have been extremely hard.

Everything seems dark right now, but you did the best thing for your marriage and your family. A marriage with a hidden lie doesn't stand a chance.

You may STILL end up divorced - your husband is devastated. But by trying the MB plan for marriage, you are doing what you can to make amends.

Prayers going up for you, your husband and family from California.

You around today ILMH? How are you? Have more questions? Let us know...

With prayers,

Mrs. W

For the record, I am going to stay off ILMH's post in general, but wanted you to know that she's working today and does not have access to a computer.

She is eager for advice, opinions and perspectives, so please feel free to share. I'm sure she will be on this evening. I'll be by her side.

She needs some help.

Thanks for letting us know Try!

ILMH...

Some other things you can do for Try...Be TRANSPARENT in EVERY way possible...Give him ALL passwords to ALL email accts...If you have a secret email acct. let him know NOW...Give him the password to your cell phone VM...Make him aware of your whereabouts at every opportunity...Offer to take a polygraph test...Offer to put a GPS on your car...Offer, Offer, Offer...NEVER wait for him to ask...Let him know daily how much you appreciate him...that it is now and forever ONLY the two of you...DO NOT CURL UP INTO A DEPRESSIVE BALL-if you think you need them, get a prescription for anti-depressants-Offer to go to the doctor with him if he needs them...You must lead this recovery...Every morning when you wake up ask yourself, "What can I do today to show Try how much he and this marriage mean to me?"...And follow through...

Mrs. W

ILMH,

I know this is going to sound very contradictory,but I would recommend that you be strong, functional, somewhat independent, and loving.

What do I mean? Your H needs your love. He has heard you are sorry, but he needs to see actions. How do you show him? Well, you have been offered many good ideas already so I won't repeat. But one thing he will need is you functioning in your life as a mother, a Wife, and if you are working well in your work. He is going to need a steady place in his life, and you need to be it.

You need to run your home as you really want it run. You need to be the mother you were and can be. You need to listen to him, but also function on your own to get things done. One thing was calling the Harley's which you did. Another is to listen to him when he talks and spills his guts. You need to encourage him to talk about his feelings, his doubts, his fears. You need to express yours as well, but if you goal is to have a good marriage, YOU need to show him what a good marriage is to you. Not just tell him but show him.

Right now he is devastated. He will get through that and then he will question himself mostly, but his marriage as well. You need to have answers for him. You need to show him in actions.

But to do all of this you need to be a focused, functional woman. You need to stand up and be the woman you are capable of being and LEAD from strength. He has to get back on his feet but he will need to see what the future can hold for him and you as well as your child if he stays.

You don't need to be super mom, or super vixen in the bedroom. You need to be honest here as well, honest with yourself. How would you really like this family to run? What level of effort can you really sustain? Then once you have decided, do these things.

Mrs. W strongly encouraged you to be honest and transparent to your H. I am strongly encouraging you to be honest and transparent with yourself. It starts with you. You cannot heal your H, he will have to do that himself. BUT, you can assist, you can encourage, you can show him what his future can be if he stays with you and holds the family together.

While he might like your sympathy, what he really needs is you functioning at your best. He needs your support and that comes in many little things.

I am sure you will receive more advice and as the situation evolves the advice will evolve as well. Right now he is hanging on, but he doesn't have much hope. WHy doesn't he have much hope? I personally think it is because he feels...he failed to be the H you needed and thus became the H you did not want. It is very very deep ILMH.

Oddly I think it is often the case he will not respect a thing you say until you can lead and do lead your life in a way that YOU respect. If you come to respect yourself and your goals, and your actions, THEN he can come to respect the things you say to him. It is why actions are so important.

Just my opinions. I hope some of them help.

God Bless,

JL

Hey all,
Thanks so much for all the advice. I need as much as i can get right now.

ILMH,

I hesitated at responding to your post, got the courage to do so and then lost it. JL responded, and I felt I needed to after his much wizened words. Mrs W counseled that you be honest and transparent with your H. The pain that your H is feeling now, is that he thought you were being transparent already. And in the process you let his pride and masculinity be kicked to the curb at the expense of saving the marriage. You doubled that pain by FINALLY and unilaterally making decisions for him. My guess is that he has previously asked you "Is there anything else I should know about your EA"? You probably justified your response in one of two ways. 1) He can't handle anymore details. 2) He didn't ask the question in quite the right way to justify an answer that would kill him emotionally, and you felt your duty to "protect" him from any more pain.

Having been in his shoes recently, we BS see either way as a cop-out, or an affront to our already eviscerated self worth by you choosing to decide what's best for our manhood. The reality is that you were scared that he would leave you, and you continued to lie to prevent that from happening. That only prolonged a false recovery and set the D-Day clock back to zero hour.

What's next? Here's a glimpse. Every attempt you make in the next few (insert time frame here as I'm not there yet) will be met with an incredulous response. For example, "You told me these things before, why should I believe you now"? Or, "you are telling me more half truths simply to protect yourself. What has changed"? I'll post two responses... the incorrect way, and the "not so incorrect way". I don't own the right to know what is really the "correct" way yet.

BS- "I don't believe what you are saying to me now. Why should I"?. WS Incorrect response- Because I finally realize how much I love you. I realize, finally that I have deceived you and I want to make it right. That I finally get what you've been trying to get me to understand these few months and I deserve another chance. It makes me angry that I'm bearing my soul and you don't believe me. Can't you see my pain?"

BS- "I don't believe what you are saying to me now. Why should I"? WS Not so incorrect response - You can't believe what I am saying. I shouldn't expect you to after what I've done, and continued to do until today. I haven't earned that right. But what I have earned is the right for you to allow me the chance. It will take my actions, and not my words to convince you, but here today, and at this moment, all I have is my words. In time they will be replaced by my actions. Until then I'm asking you to the be the better half, until I've shown you I can be your equal. I need you to be the man I know you are, and the one I stole from you, and let me SHOW you instead of tell you why you should believe me".

Got to get to bed now as I have an appointment with Steve Harley in the morning to help us get over a similar situation. I wish I had a gem to offer you, but JL and others are the only reason I'm still here and posting. Please listen to them and be brutally honest with your H. We're stronger than you think and we need to know that you trust us with our own emotions.

God Bless,

Zonie65

ILMH - Zonie did good.

The worst thing you can do is make excuses or justify yourself. For the next considerable period you will have to "suck it up princess" It's going to get rough but you own T2H that much.

You two can make it and build a great marriage out of these ashes but much depends on you.

Thanks again for laying it on me. I have a question that maybe FWW's can answer. My husband understandably wants to know details of our conversations and I can remember certain things, but am having trouble remembering the specifics. I remember general topics. I mostly bitched about the way i thought my husband was treating me (what a joke) and he bitched about work. There are a few things that stand out to me in these conversations, but not a lot. I am adding to my letter to him every day (nothing big, just little things) what if I can't remember everything we said? I am afraid he'll think I am just lying and he has every right to think that.I am trying to rack my brain for other details and not much is coming to me.

ILMH, my advice here is only what I've told MrsZ, but first I'm going to caution you. You said Let him decide what's "Big" and what isn't. Not You. You decided enough for him already.

What I told MrsZ was that I expect there will be some things she can't remember. I told her as soon as she does remember to calmly say "I just remembered that we.... X, Y, and Z'd. I was just reminded that because of..." What the difference is, is that you lied when he thought he had all the details. That's a big difference from not remembering. I told MrsZ that one more lie after 4/28 and it's the last straw. That's different from telling me something new that I didn't know. And do not use the excuse that "He didn't exactly ask me the right question about X, so I don't have to answer it now even though I'm remembering".

He's going to want you to continue to tell him things that you remember and he'll be afraid that you won't because of exactly what you just said. SHOW him that you're not lying and deceiving him anymore. It goes a long way.

You'll get through this. He's opening up the door just big enough for you to get in. Don't bash him in the face with it in an attempt to muscle your way through.

God Bless,

Zonie

ILMH,

Read my post again. The battery of questions will be there for a while.

If you don't remember, simply say so but let him know you'll tell him if it comes back to you.

Don't hide it once it does come back to you and simply let him know, "I remembered some details of what you were asking me about. Do you want to hear them?"

Leave it at that and see what he says.

I love my husband so much and I don't want to lie to him any longer. I expect that small details may come to me over time and I am having trouble accepting that. I want it all out now, I don't want to poke him with another detail week after week. I just want it all out. I'm sure he does too.

I just stopped by from your Hs thread. You and he both mentioned your desire to understand what he is going through. My circumstances are a bit different, but still the same. We have three boys (4,5,and 7). My H had a two year A that ended with me catching him in a lie. He admitted an EA and ended contact with OW. Then six months later, he resumed the A with her for another two years. He finally came to a point where he felt the need to end it and admit it all to me. It turns out that he was having a PA the entire time with OW. So, I understand the shock of thinking that you know the worst and then having the world shook again by learning the rest of the worst.

I thought I might just write down some sections of what I wrote in my personal journal a few days after the second d-day:

"Now I find myself sitting in the car in front of the house, afraid to go in and face my "normal" life. It's Sunday night and the beginning of another week of just surviving when I still feel that void in my stomach. I want to run away from it all but I have nowhere to go, no money to leave with. And when I walk in the front door, I have to be ok again. But I'm not ok. I'm sad. I'm so sad."

"Part of me feels like I need to make love with H; to reclaim our intimacy; to reclaim all that they shared. One woman said she went back to the places she knew they'd been together at and created their own NEW memories, kind of like "overwriting" the old ones. Part of me has no desire to ever be touched again. Only because I'm afraid that I'll imagine them together.

That's where the details seem like they'd help. If I could define the sex they had then I can claim all other aspects as my own. Positions, places, clothing. The things they did might be lost but I could keep the things they didn't do. And eventually, I could retake those things they shared. But at least I could feel safe being intimate with him knowing that whatever we were doing was not something that they did together."

I STRONGLY SUGGEST THAT YOU THINK LONG AND HARD BEFORE YOU ASK/TELL DETAILS ABOUT SEX WITH BS BECAUSE YOU CAN NEVER UN-KNOW THE DETAILS.

The other thing that I suggest is you go to the "Just Found Out" section and listen to the BSs as they post for the first time. I don't recommend that you (WW) respond as it's hard to even talk with a WS in the beginning. Feel free to read my thread too...I use it as a journal and share a lot of my emotions here.