Folks, I'm struggling here. (ForeverHers, there's a link @the bottom of your sig that says "if you're having a bad day, click here" - and I clicked but it's a dead link! Hopefully will be fixed soon)

Anyway, I seem to be reading a lot about love in the past tense here lately. This scares me and it confuses me. I always have believed, and I think I still do believe, that love - real, true love, NEVER dies. Therefore, I shouldn't worry that I will no longer love my husband or that my love for him will soon "die".

My thread is way too out-dated to go into detail on my own sitch but I'd love some feedback here. I've never questioned my love for him, nor do I now, so I can't quite explain why this scares me...I guess I've seen y'all be right enough times to give it some honest thought.

You really think love goes away??

Yes.

It can't exist without nurture.

Love isn't a feeling...it's an action.

Hmmm...tough question!

I think TRUE love can change, but never completely goes away. Obviously this depends on the person as well. I have known married couples who were completely in love and then started fighting until they ended up divorced- and after a long, drawn-out D/custody battle, they literally HATE each other. But, I also know that there is a fine line between love and hate. Dr. Harley makes the claim that you must have NC for LIFE with a lover (which isn't even "true" love) because of the fact that every person you have ever cared about (notice I didn't say LOVED) has an account in your LoveBank. Even though that account is empty, just seeing or speaking to that person again may begin to fill it up again. And once someone depostis enough units in your LB, you feel you are in love with them again.

Obviously, that is kind of a "clinical" explanation...the romantic in me says "true love never dies." But depending on the person and the situation, true love may wane, may even turn to hate. But, the opposite of romantic love is indifference, not hate. Hate shows a level of emotional connection...enough to spend the energy to hate them, KWIM. So, the bank is still open for the rest of our lives.

I think the real difference is in whether we love someone (as in-I'll always love him/her) or whether we are IN LOVE with someone. Being in love requires continual, mutual deposits in each other's lovebanks. In your sitch, I believe that you DO still love your husband, and that is probably because you went into Plan B soon enough to preserve the love you have for him. Now, had he stayed around and continued to abuse you and your children, I believe you would have grown to hate him. So, the drain on the LB is an important aspect and should be stopped when there is no sign that the person will change their behavior.

But, I'm with you, I think true love never dies. I think even in the example I gave in the above scenario, where the couple went through a bitter D, etc, that eventually down the road, the anger and pain will heal to a point where that same couple can at the very least be friendly and realize that they have children together and were once very "in love" so therefore will always "love" each other. Look at Believer's XWH! And (sorry B, don't mean to "use you as an example" lol) I believe if she were open and receptive (ie-single) to his love now, it would be rekindled rather quickly. Something I'm sure she would not have thought was EVER possible just a couple of years ago after all the pain and suffering he put her through...

That is the power of love...

I think that love never goes away, that is what makes it possible for BS's to still want to recover their marriage. They still love their spouse even though they have hurt them so much.

This is not to say that you will always like the person you love. My husband and I truely did not like each other for many months before we decided to work on our marriage. We were both really angry with each other. But we knew we still loved each other, that is why we decided to stay married and work on liking each other again.

I think the "in love" feeling does die and if real love has not been built the relationship will die. This is why affair relationships don't usually last, they don't have the real love foundation, jut the "in love" or lust feelings which are chemical responses and only last a limited time.

Read this article and see if some of this answers your question.

LINK TO ARTICLE ON ROMANTIC LOVE

You talkin' to me?

No, it doesn't answer my question. I didn't read the 4 concepts of negotiation though...maybe that's more in-depth?

Interesting that so many "professionals" thought it impossible to accomplish/restore in a marriage! But I'd argue that it WAS in MY marriage anyway - delusional love, maybe, with poor communication & more sacrifice than is fair and a lot of manipulation & mistrust & alcohol abuse, but *love* just the same.

<<Slams forehead onto desk>>

I'm in such a weird place right now, there are no answers it seems!

ItsJustJulie - yep, the upgrade to the system broke all the old links. I understand they are working on getting them fixed, but in the meantime if there's something I can help you with, let me know.



There are different types of love. That's one of the handicaps of the English language, it needs further clarification regarding what type of love is being spoken of when the term "love" is used.

Love for another person, as a "created in the image of God" sort of thing, never should die. But "romantic love," the "leave and cleave" for a spouse sort of love CAN die. The primary reason is because "feelings" follow "actions." If someone acts in ways that we interpret as "loving," we tend to respond in kind. If they act in ways that say, in effect, "I DON'T love you," we don't get "positive feelings," we get "negative feelings." That's really the essence of the "Love Bank" concept. "Overdraw" the bank account too much, and penalites and interest can result in a "bankrupt" situation where it's not possible to deposit enough to overcome the "deep hole" one got himself/herself into.

We could go into all the "what if's," but that's essentially how it works. For a relationship, it takes two. For a marriage, it takes two. One person CAN love someone but not be in a relationship with them, which is essentially what God is in with all of us sinners. Only those who are His, through Christ, are in a reestablished relationship with God. The rest are "in denial of reality." God DOES love them, but they refuse His love because they want to "do it THEIR way." Infidelity and recovery from infidelity works much the same way.

Love is a choice.

I believe that love does not go away in some cases. I think of the couple who has been married 60+ years. The wife has a stroke and is left bedridden and comatose. She stays in that condition for a very long time. Her husband is right by her side. Does his love die or go away because she can't reciprocate? No. He loves her as much as he always has.

There is the soldier's wife who loses her husband to the war. Does her love die? Not completely. Even if she remarries.

I DO believe however, that this type of solid love takes a very long time to solidify. It takes years, a lot of history, and a lot of life, and a lot of nourishment.

Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic at heart.

You & me both!

Well, maybe.

I've been pretty adamant in my belief that love never dies, hence my confidence that everything eventually will be OK.

But indifference is setting in, hence my fear.

But I'm fighting it, and even have some desperate moments, hence my utter confusion.

Julie, lets be honest here. Your love has died considerably for your husband because of his incessant lovebusters. You are not in Plan B because he was singing too loud in church. He was tearing you down with his lovebusters.

That being said, your love CAN grow again under the right conditions. It took about 2 years for me to feel love for my H again after his affair. But I love him passionately today! You can have the same some day if your H decides to participate in your marriage again.

That is exactly how it should be as long as he persists in destructive behaviors. Your indifference is therapeutic for you, because it means you have emotionally DETACHED from a destructive situation. This is what Plan B is intended to achieve!

DETACHING is your best protection, Julie. It doesn't mean you can't fall BACK IN LOVE in the future, though.

Don't fight it, EMBRACE IT!

Always!


NO! No, no, no. I surely "fell out of love" just as he did, but NO - the love ain't dead. It's live & well, almost to a fault, perhaps. And that's the fight I'm fighting (with myself, with you :eek:)


MMMMmmmmmmmmmm...not so much. It should be, but it's not therapeutic at all - at least not when I stop, turn around, look, and say "Hey this is indifference" - THAT scares the crap outta me. Remember?


YES, I agree whole-heartedly.


I'm trying, sometimes with success. But I'm afraid. He might find out! And as you know, this is a battle of the wills, so I could lose. It all just scares me.

Sorry - I hijacked my own thread. I really am interested to hear everyone's take on love & whether or not it actually dies.

Julie,

I can only speak for myself. The love I have left for my husband will probably remain for some time, due to my Plan B. HOWEVER, I've been around and around on this merry go round, and find it unhealthy to be this dizzy all the time. My husband is gone, dead in essence. He's a fairytale now. Sometimes, it's more like a Grimms'tale. In essence, I don't feel that the love I have is for anything REAL, or tangible right now. It doesn't feel healthy, probably because it is not and has not been returned for some time now.

Detaching from him is one of the best things I've ever done for myself, even though it pains me to let go. If you are loving 'almost to a fault', then detaching in Plan B is probably what's best for you. You can end up in a whole mess o trouble by leading with your heart, especially if he comes crawling back still VERY much a wayward. Acceptance of anything less than a REAL return/investment on your love is the kiss of death to recovery.

To further answer your question, I think the type of love makes a difference, too. Romantic loves does wane. Familial love is different, and usually lasts forever, as the expectation on returns is different. Real love, I believe, also has it's limits and doesn't necessarily die, but wanes to the point that that person no longer reigns supreme in your heart, and you move on.