I'm nearly two years into recovering from my wife's infidelities. Today I saw a phone number that triggered me. It ended up being nothing but still, it triggered some real pain. When does that end?

My story. My wife had at least six sexual partners during an 8 year period of our marriage. Some of them were with men she just met after online chats. She sent disgusting pictures of herself over the internet. She masturbated constantly. She may have visited a sex club. She even had sex with two different men in one day. She let herself be abused. She doesn't even know some of these mens names.

Now the kickers.

She lied to me for nearly a year after the first discovery. I pulled this information out of her bit by disgusting bit all the while writhing in pain as each detail was reluctantly given to me. I lived this for a year. I was not far from suicide but only the thought of my children kept me alive.

During this period my wife revealed that her father sexually abused her as a child. She was also raped by a neighbor father while babysitting. Several counselors have told us that the abuses are very likely the cause of her behavior. My wife was always very modest for the first 10 years of our marriage. This behavior started when she began recalling the childhood abuse.

Now two years later and I still wonder. Has she finally been honest? Was it really because of the abuse? I know how hard she works now. Counseling for the abuse every week for 2 years now. MC every week for 2 years now.

Things are better but the pain is always present. Sometimes bad sometimes not so bad.

Sorry for the rant I just needed an outlet.

Is your wife a regular poster on MB?

pep

No, she's never been here.

Sounds a little familiar, your wife. I have alwasy been very modest, conservative and some have called me frigid and prudish. I don't even need one hand to count the number of sexual partners I have had...in fact I have the same number of men who sexually abused me.

I've never been one to say that the abuse defined me, it always felt more like what defined me was having a father that came to town to see his siblings but never called to tell me he was in town or a mother that choose to be with her predator husband. I tried hard to break away from that mentality. I tried to excel in ways that most would not given the same situation because I wanted to be an example to other girls...someone that they could aspire to be and see that despite the rocks that were given to them they could be a success and have a happy life. Now I feel that not only have I let myself down, my husband down but also all the girls out there that needed me to be something more.

I cannot speak for your wife but I can tell you that when I was the OM I felt undeserving of my husband. I felt like I was in a daze and that my only use was a warm body for the OM - that was all I was good for. It made me feel even worse and the cycle began, if you feel like crap, you feel like you deserve crap. Thankfully our MC helped me listen to my rationale side. I always had the irrational thoughts, my rational side knew these thoughts were irrational and not true but that didn't stop them from coming around. Sometimes the irrational becomes overwhelming.

My wife tried to describe that 'daze' to me. Our MC called is dissociation. Kind of like when you've been driving several miles and you suddenly realize you don't recall the past 20 miles.

I try to understand my wife's actions but, unfortunately, it doesn't take away the pain I feel.

She has come a long way in her recovery. If you have not spoken to your husband about the abuse I would strongly suggest that you do so. Honesty in marriage is crucial.

Exposing the abuse is the first step to removing the feelings of guilt and low self esteem that are common in victims. Exposure is also the first step in changing from a victim to a survivor.

My prayers are with you.

I would very highly doubt that the reason for your wife acting that way is as closely alligned with the abuse as the therapist has said. Disassociative disorders is the darling of the psych world these days to explain away bad behaviors. Frankly, in most cases, it is a bunch of bull pucky(it's sort of the same as the great number of normal children that get diagnosed with ADHD). Sorry to say, but chances are your wife is using this "diagnosis" as a get out of jail free card.

If you want to know if your wife has and is being honest with you...ask her to submit to a polygraph test. The chances are very, very high that she is still lying to you. Only a polygraph will be able to assure you that you have gotten to the truth...just make sure that is what you really want.

I wasn't describing it to help ease the pain only to let you know how it may have been for her. My husband knows of the past abuse and the MC has been recommending and I'm taking her up on it for me to see an IC to work on the self-hate and irrational thoughts that can take over. She has never mentioned dissociation but then again our MC knows that I think that you can't blame everything on where you are today based on what happened in the past. Yes, it shapes you but it doesn't have to define you. You have to work hard to make sure that you don't keep repeating the same thing.

There is nothing to understand in your wife's actions (or mine). At the end of the day we are adults and we know that our A is wrong.

Wow. It never ceases to amaze me the sheer number of armchair professionals roaming the internet.

well, I guess since I work with abuse victims I would be a bit of a professional. Also, I stated no absolutes(used the words doubt and chances)...offered an opinion based upon a lot of experience.

Sorry pal, but the little girl who gets screwed by daddy usually has more issues with the men in their lives than the little girls who were cherished and loved by their daddies. I work with abuse victims too and I've seen lots of phy/sex abuse correlate with promiscuous behavior in adulthood. Sure, you can use words like "doubt" and "chances" anyway you'd like.

Wow...really? Shocking revelation.


Yes, it certainly can and does. I'm curious...since you work with abuse victims, I am sure that you are aware of the great number of misdiagnosed dissociative disorders that are out there...right? You are also obviously aware that there also exists a certain population that attempts to use past transgressions to explain away current behaviors...right?

Is there something about the use of a polygraph that you find particularly offensive??? Certainly you would agree that this BH has already expressed his own doubts about the sincerity of her claims...that SHOULD carry some weight here. Certainly the mental health of the BH is of value here as well...right? He deserves the truth and an honest accounting of why she did what she did.

"Wow...really? Shocking revelation."

So...all sarcasm aside, then why do you presume to suggest "chances are" she is using it as excuse for her behavior??

Forget it.

You're right.

Is that easier for you?

because of her H's doubts and because I have seen a lot of people "use" or make-up past events to explain away bad behaviors.

Her husband expressing doubt is of great value to me as I believe that a husband or wife knows their partner better than anyone.

I think you need to decide how important it is for you to know all of the details of these affairs she had in the past.
You say she is in counseling for the last 2 years: IC and MC once per week. You say she is working really really hard. Do you really feel you need to know EVERYTHING now that things seem to be on the right path for your marriage?

See, I did not want to know ANY details of my exes affairs. I knew they happened but I did not want details. I knew I could NOT handle details. It was enough for me to know they happened. Some people have to know all the details, I was not one of those people. Then again, my marriage wasn't surviving and I knew it wasn't going to so why bother knowing the details?

As far as her abuse goes... I am in this type of work myself as well. Her sudden promiscuity I am sure is partly due to her past abuse. I am guessing she had blocked out a lot of it until the point the affairs started? I do not believe it is the ONLY reason however, and you can only use abuse as an excuse for so long. There comes a point in time when, as an adult, you say you are not going to allow what happened to you to define you. My ex had a very messed up abusive in my opinion, child hood as well. HE has decided to let it define who he is. He has adopted the "screw everyone else it is all about ME and MY happiness attitude" and will claim that NO ONE has ever cared about his feelings and what he wanted anyway so why should he care about anyone else. That is a bunch of trash talk.

Your pain matters too. It does not just go away because she was abused. It does not make her infidelities ok or excuse them. It doesn't mean you say "well, she was abused as a child so I can't blame her for what she did. I guess I am just suffering the collateral damage of her past" NO! your pain is real and valid and needs to be addressed as well.

mlhb

"because I have seen a lot of people "use" or make-up past events to explain away bad behaviors."

Ok, I'll toss your statement back at ya: "Wow...really? Shocking revelation."



Let's not make this thread about us. Maybe we started off on the wrong foot. The BH is what counts, I know that. I apologise. Peace thru superior fighting power, something like that

I don't know if I can properly describe this over the Internet let alone in conversation.

My doubts are really because I don't absolutely "know". I will never "know" for certain. I can only use what I can see.

If my wife was some slut who decided to have sex with strangers, why did she change into that person virtually overnight? For 10 years she was a faithful wife. Very modest. Did she, at age 34 just decide to become a whore? And, if she was that type of person how could she radically change into someone else that has gone to a counselor weekly for 2 years? As a professional yourself, could someone fool you in counseling for 2 years?

I am an introvert and have always felt an odd desire to 'know' things for certain. Even things that one cannot 'know'.

I hope I was able to express the feeling of my doubt?

I agree AC. Nice to meet you...let's start over. Sorry for the sarcasm.

are you sure of this??? Many a BS here has been shocked to find out about affairs they NEVER knew a thing about. I am of the belief that when you see one roach, there are others hiding behind the walls.

A polygraph will let you get to the bottom of this to put your mind at ease. There are posters here that have used them and every single one revealed new truths..yet to be told!

Good luck.

MEDC

well, sometimes that way of thinking can drive you crazy because you may not ever fully know. do you over analyze things as well? because that will make you crazy too.

i am not a counselor so i cannot say whether or not someone could fool me for 2 straight years. it is possible for me that they could but i have the feeling they could not fool MEDC for 2 straight years, he seems to have a pretty good BS radar system!

it would depend on the counselor.

maybe she worked really hard to be the good wife and mother and faithful for all of those years and finally just snapped one day and literally overnight started doing things that she felt were the real her. what i mean is, maybe all these years she has felt horribly about herself because of the abuse and one day she just snapped because she felt she did not deserve the good faithful husband and life she had had because in reality she felt like a dirty whore since childhood due to the sexual abuse. so, she went out and starting doing what she felt she "deserved" because she was no better than those people in her mind. she was "damaged goods" and the life she had up to that point with you she did not deserve in her mind. see what i am trying to say?

BUT, that does not excuse or lessen your pain.

are you in IC too for this?

mlhb

I don't need details. The only thing I really need is to come to trust her that she is not lying to me any more. The lying went on for a year after discovery. That is why I can feel unsafe at times.



She has accepted the responsibility for the infidelities. I can't call these things affairs. As I said, these were men whom she had sex with inside of an hour of meeting in person.

I know I matter. She has never used the abuse to excuse her actions to me. Even after 2 years she has always put my pain first.